by Kyra Davis
“Now don’t go getting all Gloria Steinem on me. There’s safety in numbers and you know it.”
“Well, then why don’t you move in?” Mr. Katz entered the room and blinked in Marcus’s direction, indicating his approval of the invitation.
“Can’t, darling, I’m going to be taking care of another basket case.”
“Who?”
“Zach, my closeted troubled gothic teen, is at odds with his daddy dearest. Tomorrow I’m going to pick him up from school and let him stay a few days with me. Better that than have him run away again.”
“Ah.” I leaned back into the cushions of my couch. Marcus had been playing the part of the loving big brother to Zach for almost two years now. Although Zach’s father had never bothered to thank Marcus for his participation in his son’s life it was obvious to everyone that Marcus was the only thing that was keeping Zach from catching the next Greyhound to the nearest meth lab. I wanted Marcus here but Zach undoubtedly needed him more.
Marcus shifted in his seat so that his whole body was turned to me. “You really think someone tried to shoot you yesterday?”
“Yes, although I’m pretty sure they were aiming at Mary Ann.”
“And the police don’t believe you, as usual,” Marcus mused.
“No,” I said bitterly. “Not even after I told them about the squirrel.”
“Yes, well, it’s hard to imagine how your story about a falling squirrel didn’t prompt a large-scale search.”
“Oh, my God, why does everyone dismiss the falling of a squirrel as a small thing? When has anyone ever seen a squirrel fall out of a tree? Besides, I saw the squirrel fall less than a second after I heard the pinging sound.”
“Are you even sure that it’s possible to hear a bullet coming out of a silencer from that distance? It’s one thing to hear it inside a quiet apartment but out in a woody public park? I don’t know.”
I took a long sip of my coffee. I didn’t know either.
“Still, you can’t ignore the possibility that someone was shooting at you. If they were then we’re having a desperate-times-desperate-measures kind of moment.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning that we can’t just sit on our hands, can we? Particularly now that evil Chrissie isn’t such a sure bet.” He popped the last bite of scone in his mouth and chewed it thoughtfully.
I put my coffee cup down and hugged my knees up to my chest. “I promised Anatoly I wouldn’t knowingly put myself in any more dangerous situations while snooping.”
“And he believed you? How simply adorable!”
I shot him a quick glare but my phone beeped before I could throw back an insulting response of my own. There was a text from Mary Ann.
Get over 2 Monty’s rt now! I need u!
“Oh, shit,” I breathed.
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know exactly, but I think Mary Ann’s in trouble.”
Marcus got to his feet. “Where is she and who’s driving?”
We ended up taking my car just in case we had to throw Mary Ann in the backseat and make a run for it. It seemed like a better alternative than throwing Mary Ann into the trunk of Marcus’s Miata.
And when we got to Monty’s I instantly realized the severity of the situation. Parked right out front was a car that was unsettlingly familiar. A dark blue 2001 Mercedes with an old Ron Paul bumper sticker on the back.
I swallowed and turned to Marcus. “That’s Rick Wilkes’s car.”
Marcus sucked in a sharp breath. “Let’s go.”
We both jumped out of the car and booked it across the street. I found myself rattling the handle of the locked door before it even occurred to me to knock. When it didn’t open Marcus jammed his finger against the doorbell over and over again. In less than a minute Mary Ann was at the door.
“They just showed up!” she said in a harsh whispered voice as she stepped just over the threshold. “I was in the bathroom and when I came out Monty was leading them into the dining room!”
Marcus and I looked at one another. “Who’s they?” I asked. “Did Rick…okay, I can’t believe I’m even asking this but did Rick bring Fawn here?”
“Yes! And they brought doughnuts! Rick wants Monty and me to eat doughnuts with him and the woman he cheated on me with!”
Again Marcus and I looked at each other. “All right,” Marcus said slowly. “I’m now transitioning from being panicked to just being grossed out.” He turned back to Mary Ann. “I don’t suppose either of them have tried to kill you since they’ve arrived.”
“No, not yet.”
“And are you sure the doughnuts aren’t poisoned?” Marcus asked. “I mean aside from all the trans fat. That will kill you of course but it takes a while.”
“I don’t think they’re poisonous doughnuts,” Mary Ann said slowly as she considered the idea. “Both Rick and Fawn are eating them. Monty hasn’t had any. He’s not a big doughnut guy and I haven’t eaten one because…because they’re evil!”
“We’re talking about Fawn and Rick now, right?” I asked. “Or are we still talking about the doughnuts?”
“Fawn and Rick! Sophie, one of them might have tried to kill me yesterday! A doughnut can’t make up for that!”
Marcus coughed as he stifled a laugh.
“Mary Ann, is everything okay?”
I recognized Monty’s voice but only barely. I had never heard him sound so anxious.
“Fine, sweetie,” Mary Ann answered. “We have more visitors!” She gestured frantically for Marcus and me to follow her into the dining room. I wasn’t at all sure that was a good idea. Monty let Fawn and Rick in, let him deal with them. The rest of us could retreat to the safety of the nearest Starbucks.
But Mary Ann clearly had other plans. She led us into the dining room where we found Monty sitting opposite Rick and Fawn. Rick looked a tad uncomfortable; Fawn had her eyes glued to the half-eaten old-fashioned on the cream-colored plate before her. Monty looked stressed and all of them were sipping coffee out of smiling Cheshire cat mugs which was oddly appropriate since the scene had a magic-mushroom-hallucination kind of quality to it.
Monty quickly got to his feet. “What do you know? It’s like an open house! Isn’t that great?” It was pretty clear that he was using “great” as a euphemism for “torture.” He held Mary Ann’s chair out for her and Mary Ann slowly lowered herself into it. It’s funny because yesterday I had doubted that Mary Ann was capable of embracing her anger, but judging from the way she was looking at Fawn it was clear that I had been wrong.
“Sophie, Marcus,” Rick said warmly. He got up and pulled me into a hug. I carefully kept my hands at my sides. “It’s good to see you,” he said as he tried to offer his hand to Marcus. Marcus wrinkled his nose as if reacting to a horrible smell.
“So what exactly are we seeing here?” Marcus asked carefully. “Is this some kind of new reality show? Put two couples who hate each other in one room and watch them play survival of the bitchiest?”
Rick forced a laugh. “No one hates each other here, right?”
Everyone quickly looked away.
“Rick felt we needed to clear the air,” Fawn said quietly. “With everything that happened with Dena…he…we just thought it was time to try to find a way to put the past behind us and be…be friends.” She looked over at Mary Ann for confirmation of this but when Mary Ann didn’t say anything Fawn quickly returned her gaze to her plate.
Rick let out another nervous laugh and patted me on the back. “That’s probably a little more information than you wanted.”
I looked at Rick blankly. I had no idea how much or what kind of information I wanted to hear. I had no idea what was going on at all. Was I talking to a potential murderer or just an idiot?
“Sit!” Monty said in an overly cheery tone that made me think he was on the verge of screaming. “We have more doughnuts, would you like one?”
I shook my head. “No, thank you.”
Marcus waved the offer away with a fl
ick of his wrist.
We sat down next to Mary Ann and now the three of us faced Rick and Fawn. Monty was just standing over the table looking bewildered and apprehensive.
“I know this is awkward,” Fawn said quietly.
I snorted. I didn’t even know I was a snorter but apparently when confronted with a humorously gross understatement I snort.
“But it shouldn’t be,” Fawn pressed on. “What Rick and I did…I mean when we first got together…I know it was ill timed.”
“Funny,” Mary Ann said with more acidity than I have ever heard her use, “that’s not how I would put it.”
“Mary Ann,” Rick said softly.
“I would have said that what you did with my boyfriend was dishonest and…and yucky!” She turned her hard glare on Rick. “You cheated on me with someone who shoves stuffing up the butts of dead animals and then she mounts them! She mounts them, Rick! I mean I try not to judge but ew!”
“The stuffing does not go up their butts,” Fawn said, somewhat testily this time. “I simply freeze-dry the animal, skin it and then glue the skin on highly realistic mannequins. It’s not gross at all. It’s scientific and it’s art. One day you’ll see my work in some of the most renowned museums of the world! I’m confident of that.”
Mary Ann narrowed her eyes and leaned forward over the table. “Ew!” she hissed. “I think what you do is ewwy!”
“Well,” Fawn said sweetly, “we can’t all be makeup artists.”
I winced as Mary Ann’s chair screeched across the floor. She jumped to her feet and pointed accusingly at her visitors. “Did you come here to shoot me?”
Fawn and Rick both seemed a bit confused by this and looked at each other as if hoping for some kind of clarification.
“Mary Ann,” Monty said slowly, “what are you talking about?”
“Don’t you think it’s weird that they just showed up here like we’re old friends or something?” She gestured angrily at the food on the table. “Maybe these really are poison doughnuts! We don’t know!”
Fawn cocked her head to the side. “I’m sorry, but are you having a breakdown?”
“Princess, I think you’re feeling a little overwhelmed with everything that’s been going on.” Monty placed his hand on the curvature of her waist. “It is surprising to get an unannounced visit from Fawn and Rick but I think we have to assume they’re honestly here to offer an olive branch. Furthermore I think we should take it.” He smiled at Rick and for the first time his smile didn’t seem anxious. It was smug. “We should try to forgive,” he went on. “After all, you and Rick were never a good match and if he hadn’t met Fawn I might never have met you! If you think about it we should be thanking them for bringing us together!”
Rick flushed and his chin jutted out so far I thought he might actually dislocate his jaw.
“The hell with doughnuts, this scene is worthy of popcorn and a soundtrack,” Marcus whispered under his breath.
Mary Ann exhaled loudly and leaned into Monty. “I love the way you see the bright side of everything. You are the most amazing guy I know.” She used the back of her hand to gently stroke his cheek. “But I don’t want to forgive them, Monty. I don’t want to thank them. I really just want to throw them out.”
The room got very quiet. Fawn looked petulant and Rick looked pissed as hell. Monty stepped away from Mary Ann and took a step toward Rick.
“You don’t need to throw us out,” Rick said coldly. He got to his feet. “You’re right, Mary Ann. What I did was unforgivable but…if you ever decide that you miss our…friendship and you want to talk…about Dena or anything else I’m here.”
“Nice of you to offer, Rick,” Monty said with another one of his strained smiles. “Mary Ann and I are always open to renewing old friendships when they’re worth renewing. Unfortunately that doesn’t seem to be the case here.”
Rick took a small step forward, his entire focus on Mary Ann. “I really am upset about Dena,” he said. “When I heard the news I nearly threw up but then I thought maybe…maybe I could be of some comfort to you. I thought we could be friends.”
“No,” she said simply. “I really don’t think we can be.”
“Wait,” I said as I tried to catch Rick’s eye. “When exactly did you hear the news about Dena?”
“It was on the news the night she was shot.”
“Yeah but—”
Marcus kicked me under the table hard enough to leave a bruise. I bit down on my lip to prevent myself from yelping in pain. Rick didn’t notice. His focus was back on Mary Ann.
“Come on, Rick.” Fawn took Rick’s arm and gently pulled him toward the door. “We should go.”
No one said anything as the couple walked out of the room. I heard the door open and then slam shut behind them. Mary Ann walked over to the window and stared out at the street. “They came in different cars,” she said softly. “I wonder why? I wonder why they came at all?”
“I thought they were going to make that clear,” Monty mused. “That’s the only reason I let them in. Their just showing up here, it was too bizarre. I had to at least give them a chance to clue me in.” He looked uncertainly at Mary Ann. “Princess, you’re not mad at me for not slamming the door in their face, are you?”
“No, not anymore.”
“I am painfully aware that no one is asking my opinion on this,” Marcus said as he laced his fingers together and stretched his arms in front of him, “but I think inviting them in was a good call. You got a peek at the inner workings of their spectacularly dysfunctional relationship and, Monty, you got to hurl all those fabulously snide remarks at Rick. Bravo, honey.”
“But when they first arrived you weren’t very insulting, Monty,” Mary Ann said, her eyes still on the street. “It was like you wanted me to forgive them.”
Monty hooked his thumbs through his belt loops and stared down at the floor. “I did change my tune when I realized how angry you still were but…” He paused for a moment and then slowly shook his head with a heavy sigh.
“But what?” Mary Ann prodded, finally turning from the window.
Monty met her eyes. “We don’t have anything to be angry about anymore, do we?”
Mary Ann quickly glanced over at me and then back at Monty. “What do you mean?”
“I mean you’re over him and you love me.”
“Oh, yes, I see. Good point.”
“So we can all be friends just like in the movie Enchanted,” Monty continued. “Remember when Patrick Dempsey left his girlfriend of five years for Amy Adams? But it was okay because the girlfriend fell in love with the prince! See, I’m your prince!”
Marcus pulled a pen from the inside pocket of his jacket and reached for a paper napkin to write on but before he had a chance I grabbed both things from him and wrote, Yes, I know but he really is straight. Marcus smiled at my ability to predict his question but he didn’t seem convinced.
Monty glanced at his watch. “Should I cancel my meetings today?” he asked uncertainly. “Do we need to Talk?”
There was a certain amount of fear in his voice and you could actually hear the capital letter in Talk. But Mary Ann just shook her head and crossed over to him. “Go to your meetings,” she said as she wrapped her arms around his neck. “There’s nothing we need to talk about.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yes. I don’t think Rick or Fawn would be good friends, that’s all.” She kissed him on the cheek and then lightly on the mouth. “But you are my best friend and the best boyfriend I could ever hope for and you’re going to be the best husband. I can’t wait to be your princess bride!”
Monty beamed down at her and pulled her into to an extra-tight hug before exchanging quick goodbyes with Marcus and me and then heading out.
“My goodness.” Marcus clucked his tongue. “It’s like The Twilight Zone meets Desperate Housewives.”
“Why did you kick me?” I snapped.
“Because he doesn’t know he slipped up, sweetie.
If he has to talk to the police we want him to make the same mistake.”
“Oh, right. That makes sense.” I looked at Mary Ann. “Are you okay?”
“I still don’t want to believe Rick would do this.” She sank back down into her chair. “I’ll never be able to forgive myself, Sophie. Never!”
Marcus cocked his head to the side. “What are you talking about?”
“Mary Ann thinks that if Rick turns out to be the shooter then the responsibility of Dena’s situation will be on her.”
“How exactly did you work that one out?”
“If he did shoot Dena it’s because I used to be his girlfriend,” Mary Ann explained. “I brought him into our lives!”
“Honey, your memory is failing you. You would never have even met Rick if Sophie hadn’t dragged you to some morbid little funeral for some man she barely knew. If you’re going to blame someone, blame her.”
“Thanks,” I said dryly.
“But,” Marcus went on, completely ignoring me, “I do know exactly how you feel.”
“You don’t!” Mary Ann sputtered. “No one can! I know I’m not as smart as you guys but how could I be this stupid?”
“Honey, when it comes to men we’re all stupid,” he said emphatically. “As you may recall one of my former boy-toys is now serving a life sentence. That’s not even ghetto fabulous, it’s just straight-up ghetto.”
“I married a con artist,” I added quickly, not wanting to be left out. “Scott nearly took me for everything I have.”
“Honey, be real,” Marcus said with an exaggerated eye roll. “Scott’s only transgressions during your little starter marriage involved infidelity and an irresponsible gambling habit. It’s all so tediously cliché.” He leaned over and gave Mary Ann’s knee a reassuring pat. “At least you and I picked more interesting villains. We’ve had the opportunity to battle evil in our very own bedrooms.”
“That’s not funny,” Mary Ann said as the corner of her mouth twitched.
“Of course it’s not. It’s deadly serious. But, Mary Ann, if you’re going to try to find a way to make any of this your fault…well, that is laughable. You dated the wrong guy. That’s all.”
