by Reece Butler
He scowled and kept looking around the room.
“When Mrs. Johnston saw Walt dressed fancy and using his city manners instead of talking like a mountain man, she couldn’t believe he was the same man.” Lily directed her attention right at Walt. “But she hasn’t lost interest in you, no matter that you try to act like a grumpy old billy goat.”
“Ain’t no whiskey in here.” Walt shuffled over to the door. “I jest got one thing to say, missy.” He gave Sarah a pointed look. “I said this to Beth afore she met Trace, and I’ll say it to you. If you need a paper husband, jest ask. I won’t touch you none, but you’d be married.”
“What about Mrs. Johnston?” asked Lily.
The color on Walt’s cheeks deepened. “A divorce costs ten dollars in Helena. And Judge Thatcher might do it for free.” He jerked his head in a nod and carefully took the two steps to the ground. “Oscar Cutler! Where’d you put that dang bottle of whiskey you promised me?”
“I could solve my marriage problem by becoming Mrs. Walt Chamberlain,” said Sarah. “Walt’s a kind man, and I’d have my bakery.”
“Yes, you would,” said Lily. “But then you’d have to live at least some of the time in an eight-by-ten-foot shack with Walt and his very handsome hired man, Zach McInnes. I understand two more brothers or cousins are on the way from Texas with Walt’s cattle.” Lily raised both manicured eyebrows. “I don’t think Gabe, Oz, or Luke would let that happen.”
“Thank you so much,” said Sarah when Lily prepared to go. “I’ll think on what you said.”
Sarah thought hard as she hung up the wash. She continued as she peeled potatoes and then prepared stuffing for the plump chicken Lily brought as a gift. When Oz headed off to do something in the barn, she brought his shirts into the sun to mend tears and attach buttons. Keeping her hands busy allowed her to think and still be useful.
Would the famous Pinkerton Detective Agency find the men that abused her? If they came to town, would she have to speak with them? Lily had far more life experience, and would push her to tell them everything. She set her mending down before she poked herself with the needle because of her trembling hands.
“You look like you need some loving.”
She jumped to her feet, knocking her mending to the dirt. “I’m fine,” she said to Oz. “You just startled me.”
“You’re not fine.”
Though she struggled, Oz swept her into his arms. He sat, holding her tight. He said nothing, though she felt his tension, equal to her own. She also felt his warmth, and his caring. She let the sun, and his strength, relax her.
“I bet I could make you relax pretty fast if you took off your clothes.”
He looked so eager that she slapped his chest and pulled herself to her feet.
“Hot sex doesn’t cure everything,” she said.
His eyes widened, and he gaped at her. “It doesn’t? Are you sure? We should try it just in case—”
“Walt said he’d marry me.”
Oz’s frisky smile faded. “And?”
“He’s a kind man.”
“Yes, he is. He’s also a lot smarter, richer, and has more schooling than he lets on. If you married him, you could be a very rich widow in a few years.”
“I don’t want to be a widow from that!”
“Gabe said you told the new sheriff you liked the idea of marrying and having your husband drop dead right after. Being a cook and all, you could slip something into a man’s food that would shorten the time you had to put up with him.”
“I would never hurt a kind man like Walt Chamberlain!”
“Not if it would give you your dream? Your own business, and freedom from us interfering men? All alone with your stove and your cat?”
“That’s not my dream.”
As soon as she said it, she realized it was true. She’d listened to everything Sophie and Lily told her, and some of it stuck. The last few days gave her a different kind of freedom. Instead of working inside all day over a hot stove, she was in and out of the house. She did all sorts of different things, and did them when she wanted.
Yes, meals were required at set times and there was lots to do. Since the three men hadn’t had a woman to do all those seemingly nonessential things, like mending shirts, there was a backlog of chores that would take months to complete.
But she had company to share the load.
Dishing up stew to strangers, no matter how much they appreciated it, wasn’t enough for her anymore. She wanted to see Gabe’s eyes light up when he came home. She wanted Oz to hug her when she needed it, even if she thought she could do without.
Her dream, the one which had kept her sane for months, had changed. The problem was, she wasn’t sure what it had changed to. She wanted the life she’d experienced since coming to the Circle C. But, like everything else, she knew it wouldn’t last. Something would happen to force a change.
Luke could insist she marry him or leave the ranch. Gabe and Oz could fight over her, or with Luke. One of them could be injured, or killed.
And if she kept loving Gabe and Oz as often, her belly would swell. She’d been lucky not to get with child in Bannack City, but if she was healthy, sooner or later she’d become a mother. She both yearned for, and dreaded, what would then happen.
“That’s not your dream? You coulda fooled me.” He looked up at the mountains. “What changed your mind? Getting away from town for a few days? Having time to think?” His blue-green eyes met hers. “Or was it being here, with us?”
“All of it, I expect.”
She saw pain in his eyes, and longing. She recognized both, being familiar with it herself. She slid her arms around his chest. His heart thudded against her ear, as loud as a mining engine, but he kept himself stiff, refusing her touch.
“I don’t know what I want, but it includes you. If you’ll have me.”
“Oh, God, Sarah!”
He grabbed her, holding her so tight she could barely breathe. But she was doing the same.
“I need you,” she whispered. “Not just as a talented lover, but as a loving friend.” She pulled back a bit, resting her forehead on his chest to give herself breathing room. “I never knew that I’d find someone who can make me laugh, who gives me a shoulder to cry on, and knows when I need a hug.”
“I can be a friend, as long as you want the lover part of me as well.”
She knew him well enough to sense the change when his touch went from loving friend to amorous lover. Instead of holding her snug, his hands caressed her gently. Her heart sped up as her body reacted.
“Mmm, I like the lover part of you,” she said. “A lot. You and Gabe make me feel wonderful.”
“Just two of us? What about Luke?”
Her amorous thoughts faded like mist on a hot morning. She pulled back. He allowed her a few inches but didn’t release her.
“It’s hard to care for someone who scowls at me, grunts a thank-you after meals, and avoids me the rest of the time.”
“If Luke smartens up, could your dream change enough to allow for a husband?”
“I won’t be like my mother, and Luke’s. They were conveniences to their husbands. They did what was expected of them, such as providing children. I expect their husbands rarely thought about them when they weren’t in the same room.”
“I think about you all the time, Sarah. You’re not a convenience, but almost a part of me.” Oz pulled her close. “I don’t know what I’d do if you went away.”
She let his words sink into her heart. It wasn’t a declaration of love, but she hadn’t offered him one, either. How could she, when she wasn’t sure what love was?
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Luke was chopping kindling when Gabe approached. He slammed the hatchet into the wood block and wiped sweat off his forehead. From Gabe’s expressions, he meant business. Lately, that meant a certain woman.
“What now?”
“Sarah won’t marry you just to be a wife and mother. She wants more.” Gabe
leaned against a tree and crossed his arms.
Luke sighed. So much for enjoying the silence. “More what?”
“Do you like her?”
“Of course I like her. I want to marry her.”
Gabe shook his head. “Think of your father and mother. Did they like each other?”
“They respected each other as husband and wife. That’s all that mattered.”
“So your answer is no, they didn’t really like each other very much, but they hid it behind respectability.”
Luke looked down the valley. “Maybe.” He pulled off his hat. “I’ve been thinking. Your parents fought, yelled, hugged, and even kissed. Mine were always utterly polite, like wax dolls. They did what was expected of them, never looking below the surface.”
“Sarah doesn’t want that kind of marriage. Do you?”
After a moment, Luke shook his head.
“So, what are you going to do about it?”
“What do you suggest? After all, you’re not going to leave me alone until you tell me.”
“Ask her what you can do to change her mind.”
“She’s not going to change her mind.” Gabe looked at him as if he was too dense to understand the question. “Is she?”
“You and Sarah both want to be in control so that nothing bad will happen to you,” said Gabe.
“What’s the matter with keeping control?”
“It’s impossible, Luke. You can’t control the wind, weather, disease, snakes, or all those other things. If we never went to war, your mother and sisters might not have been murdered.”
A familiar shot of pain stabbed Luke’s heart. He closed his eyes, remembering his little sisters’ sweet faces and bright laughter.
“I hate what happened to them,” said Gabe quietly. “Hate it with every part of my soul and body. But I can’t change the past, and neither can you. Even if they’d survived, and not killed themselves out of shame, they might already be dead from disease, fire, a runaway carriage or, if they lived long enough and could face marriage, childbirth. Yes, they’re dead. But we are not responsible for their deaths.”
Luke shook his head, refusing the words, but they still slipped into his mind.
“Face it, my friend. You cannot control what happens to you, to me, or anyone else you care about. You’re born, you live, and you die. If you’re lucky, really lucky, you might find someone with a smile that heals all the pain and fears that attack in the night. Someone who will hold you in that dark night and ease your heart as you ease hers. Someone like Sarah. But if you’re too afraid of losing her, you’ll never have her.”
Luke’s entire body trembled. He could barely see through the haze of rage in his eyes. Gabe, the youngest child of servants, looked at him with pity. Pity!
“Killing me won’t kill the demons in your soul, my friend,” said Gabe. “Bad things happen to people we love, but that’s no reason to stop loving.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I don’t know why,” continued Gabe, “but Sarah loves us. She loves me, and Oz, and if you give her a chance, she might even love your sorry hide.”
Luke’s brain buzzed so hard he couldn’t think.
“You’re not going to have your family back no matter how much you suffer, my friend. I will never forget my parents, or the bastards that killed them and your family. But I can love again. I hope Sarah can love you as well, but something about marriage scares her. Find out what it is, fix it, and then maybe you’ll have a chance of being a father.”
That would mean talking with Sarah. Sitting down and having a conversation as if she was a man, instead of giving her light laughter or orders. He’d have to listen to what she said, what her hopes and dreams were, instead of deciding what was best for him, and therefore her. It shouldn’t be that different from talking with Sophie, or Beth.
But he didn’t feel the same way about Sophie and Beth. He didn’t want to haul them into his arms, kiss them senseless, make them scream, and then bury himself deep in their heat.
He wanted to do that, and a whole lot more, with Sarah. Gabe had done all of it, as had Oz. But they’d listened to Sarah first, something he hadn’t bothered to do. Something, maybe, he was afraid to do.
His father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had a much easier life. They issued orders to staff, employees, wives and children, and the orders were followed. But they never had what he saw shining from Gabe’s eyes when he talked of Sarah.
“Find out what Sarah wants? How do I do that?”
Gabe’s laugh rumbled down the hill. He slapped Luke on the back, hard.
“If loving Sarah was easy, you wouldn’t want her.”
Luke stood by the wood pile for a long time after Gabe left. Sarah would never have been accepted by his family because of her past. Even if she was of the first water, they would say she’d been soiled by her ordeal. But he knew different. The fact that Sarah had survived, and could look forward to a better future, made her the type of wife he needed. The Circle C needed a woman who was strong, inside and out. But how could he get her to understand that he wanted her just as she was? He saddled his horse and rode out for some heavy thinking. Two hours later, his head throbbing, he returned. Eager to talk with Sarah before he forgot what he wanted to say, he left his horse tied by the shed.
He heard thumping noises coming from the kitchen. Luckily, he’d caught her in the midst of baking. She couldn’t stomp away from him because her bread and pies would burn. She looked up, grimaced, and went back to work.
She pounded the dough, made a quarter turn, and pounded it again.
“What can I say to convince you to marry me, Sarah?”
“There’s absolutely nothing you can say to convince me of anything.” She continued to pound.
“You wishing it was my head you’re thumping, instead of bread dough?”
She didn’t reply, but a hint of pink appeared on her cheeks and ear tips. He thought over her words as she continued ignoring him.
“If there’s nothing I can say, could I do something to change your mind?”
She slowed, but still didn’t look up. He took the advice Gabe had been giving him all his life and, for once, shut up and paid attention. He saw she’d set dishes to soak, so he walked past her and started washing them. It put their backs to each other.
“You’re not the reason I won’t marry,” she said. “I mean, not you in particular.”
Luke’s shoulders lowered from around his ears at her capitulation. It wasn’t a “yes,” but at least she was talking “maybe.” His chest expanded as he took a deep breath for the first time in hours. He pressed his teeth together to keep his big mouth from flapping, as Oz would say.
“I was betrayed by every man who believed they owned me. My father put his mistress above his wife and children. My uncle promised I could always live in my home. Then he gave in to his wife and sent me away so his ugly daughters could find better husbands. I found a handsome man who I thought would be a perfect husband. He sold me as if I was a cow. Another branded me. Why would I ever put myself in the hands of a man who could hurt me?”
Luke scrubbed at the porridge pot until he heard her rough breathing ease.
“How can I prove I care enough to treasure you, instead of hurting you?”
“You just want my children.”
“Sarah, I want our children. Yours, mine, Gabe’s, and even Oz’s.” He groaned. “God help me, but I’d be happy if we had a cute little red-haired daughter with curls.”
“I thought you only wanted sons, to carry on your so-important name and build up the Frost dynasty.”
Her snippy tone came over loud and clear. He deserved that, too.
Luke turned sideways to speak to Sarah. “Gabe’s family was honest. His mama would light into his pa like the dickens. They’d argue and, next thing you know, they’d kiss and make up. In my family, emotion was shameful. No one spoke honestly. It took me a long time to understand what happene
d in the Downey family home.”
“They treated each other as equals.”
Luke turned back to work. “I suppose so. At first I thought they didn’t respect each other because they showed emotion. But, how can you respect someone when you won’t even tell yourself the truth about what’s in your heart?”
They were quiet for a few minutes, a comfortable silence for once.
“Did your parents ever speak of what mattered to them?”
“To each other? Of course not,” said Luke. “Only after my father died did I find out my mother wanted a lapdog all her life. He forbade all pets. She got a puppy the day after his funeral. I think that was the happiest day of her life.” He frowned. “I wonder if my mother spent most of her life being angry, but hiding it.”
“The same with my mother. I can certainly understand why.”
She pounded hard again. Luke was determined not to be the first to speak. He was about to give in when Sarah stopped her hands. She cleared her throat.
“You want honesty, so here’s a truth. I’m afraid of being controlled by a husband. He could beat me, brand me, even sell me, and the law would do nothing about it.”
Her words felt like an arrow piercing Luke’s heart. No, a whole quiver of them.
“Do you think I would do any of that to you?”
Her voice dropped to a whisper. “Men already have done those things to me. Never again.”
He set the pot to drain and turned around. He wanted to hold her, to comfort her and say no one would ever hurt her again. But even if she’d tolerate his touch, she wouldn’t believe his words. Why should she, after what had happened to her? He needed to show her that he was different.
“What can I do to prove I’d never hurt you?”
She set her palms on the table and bent over, her head down. He waited until she stood up and turned.
“I will face my fear and marry you, if you will face yours.”
“What fear?”
She placed her hands on her lower back and stretched upright. She rolled her neck. Only then did she look at him.
“I’m afraid of giving a man control over me through marriage. I’ve had lots of experience to prove that my fear is justified. You fear something to do with climbing. So before I agree to marry you, I want you to climb a tree and rescue Oliver.”
