by Sarah Morgan
“But you’re good with children.”
“I’m a nanny. My job is to look after other peoples’ children. I hope I’m good with them.”
“But don’t you want more for yourself?”
“More, how?”
“A lover, a partner. Someone to share your life with.”
She felt herself blush and she shook her head, amazed at how quickly he could fluster her. “No. I’m content.” She ignored the twinge inside of her, the twinge of conscience that said she was not being entirely truthful. Truly there were times she needed more, times when she felt alone, but everyone felt lonely and alone at times. Everyone had needs. She wasn’t unique that way. “My life’s good.”
“You’ve been married. How can you not miss the physical comforts? Sex? Intimacy?”
He didn’t realize she didn’t know anything about sex, or intimacy, and maybe that’s what kept her from ever becoming more intimate with anyone. People didn’t know that while on one hand she had this colorful, crazy life, on the other she was still hopelessly sheltered. Her emotions had been through hell while her body remained untouched.
Sam found it deeply embarrassing that at her age, approaching thirty, she knew as little about men and sex as she did at eighteen. Somehow a decade had come and gone and left her like one of those Dresden shepherdesses on a shelf. But she was all shattered inside.
Her mouth was so dry, her lips felt as if they were cracking. “I’m content,” she repeated huskily.
“You say that, but you’re not. I see it in your eyes, Samantha. I see it in the way you talk and smile. Forgive me, but you’re a martyr looking for a cause.”
Sam didn’t realize she’d been holding her breath until her head started spinning. She forced herself to exhale and then inhale, trying to clear her head. “I’m no martyr. Some people have more heartache in their lives, some people have less.”
He rose from his chair and went to the fire where he took a poker and pushed the fire around a bit before adding more fuel. “There are things I need to tell you. And I’m not sure how to tell you.”
“It’s bad?”
He made a rough sound. “It’s not good.”
Sam stiffened, not wanting more bad news. Bad news in her life had been very bad. There was no in-between news, no disappointing news, just bad as in tragic, bad as in shattering, bad as in nothing will ever be the same.
But Cristiano remained standing in front of the fire and Sam felt his gaze travel slowly over her face, his thick black lashes lowered, and yet even without seeing his expression, she felt his inspection in every muscle and every bone. “What do you have to tell me?” she begged, terrified with suspense, just wanting whatever he had to say, said, so this could be over.
“It’s about Johann. I’ve learned things that will hurt, maybe even embarrass you. But you have to know the truth.”
“Embarrass me, more than he already has?” Sam laughed mockingly. “How could he possibly embarrass me more?” She laughed again, slightly breathlessly, thinking she’d made a silly joke, and anticipating his laugh.
But Cristiano didn’t smile and she suddenly felt out of breath.
“He has another wife.”
Sam just stared at him. She didn’t know what to do, how to react. “He has another wife?”
“Yes.” There was no hesitation. “He still lives with her, part-time in Vienna. They were married ten years ago. He’s never divorced her.”
“That means…”
“Your marriage isn’t valid. You’re not legally van Bergen’s wife.”
Sam shook her head slowly. “I’ve never been his wife?”
“No.”
“I’m not Baroness van Bergen. The wife in Vienna is.”
“Yes.”
She felt as though he’d taken a sledgehammer to her head and she looked up at him where he stood silhouetted by the fire, dazed. “So what am I?”
Cristiano didn’t answer. He didn’t have to.
Sam was nothing. Just the nanny, always just the nanny. Forever the hired help.
Sam lifted a hand, touched her forehead. “Does he have children with her?”
“No.”
Thank God. “But he still sees her?”
“Yes.”
“Does she know about me?”
Cristiano shook his head slightly. “I don’t think so. She doesn’t leave Vienna. She doesn’t go out much with him.”
“Neither did I.” Sam laughed unsteadily. “I guess we made it convenient for him. It must be easy having two wives if you don’t take out either.”
“I know it’s a shock, Samantha. But you’re better off without him—”
“Of course I am!” She interrupted fiercely, surprised by the depth of her rage. “I didn’t love him. How could I love him? He was petty and selfish, vain and self-absorbed. He was horrible to Gabriela, horrible to me, but—” And then her voice broke, and the past four years hit her and she felt devastated, betrayed. “He didn’t even pay me!”
She looked up at Cristiano, alternately icy and feverish. “For three years I cooked and cleaned and sewed and gardened and received nothing. No allowance, no salary, no money, no income. Not even kindness.”
She wasn’t going to cry, she wouldn’t cry, it was so silly. So she laughed instead and turned away, looking toward the window, hiding the fact that her eyes were burning and her heart ached. Johann had treated her abominably. And she’d let him.
Let him.
In some ways it was a relief to discover she wasn’t Johann’s wife, but in other ways it was mortifying. Hurtful. Shameful.
All these years she’d worked so hard. She’d scraped, scrimped, selling everything she owned to help support Johann in his decadent lifestyle. My God. He must have been laughing all the way to the bank.
“That’s why he could gamble me away,” she choked. “I was nothing.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is. At least to Johann.” She shook her head, not wanting sympathy, never wanting sympathy, and yet she didn’t know what to do with the wretched feelings inside. “You must think me silly, but all I can think about is how he took my wedding ring back—said we needed it to pay bills. And how he insisted I cut Gabriela’s hair myself since we didn’t have money. And yet, he was the baron van Bergen and everyone loved him. Everyone fawned all over him while Gabby and I struggled just to get by.”
“Gabby’s lucky she had you, Samantha.”
Her lungs burned, her eyes stung but she didn’t let the tears fall. She sat up taller, straighter. “How long have you known?”
“Awhile.”
“And how long is that?”
“Longer than you’d like.”
She nodded jerkily. “So Johann never married Mercedes.”
“They had an affair, and were still living together in Monte Carlo when Mercedes died. Johann kept Mercedes’s baby.”
“But why? Why did Johann want to adopt Gabby?”
“If I’m being generous I’ll say sentimental reasons, but I’m not generous and I think his motives were purely financial. He was greedy. He thought if he adopted Gabby, he’d have access to her trust fund.”
“But he wouldn’t?”
“No. I’m not her guardian but I’m the trustee. Gabby doesn’t even have access until she’s twenty-five.”
“You were right,” Sam said after a moment, teeth chattering from shock not cold. “Gabby’s not even five yet and already men want her for her money. It’s so wrong, too. Gabby’s beautiful, and smart, and funny. But even better, she has a gorgeous heart. She should be loved, and loved for herself.”
“But isn’t that what everyone wants?” Cristiano countered softly.
He was right. It was what she wanted, it’s what she’d always wanted. She blinked back tears but Cristiano saw them. He swept the tip of his finger beneath each of her eyes to catch her tears, and she grabbed his hand, wrapped her fingers around his, and held on.
He tugged her to her feet
and brought her toward him. Sam stared up into his face wide-eyed. With one hand he tilted her face to his, and the other he slid down her back, his hand so hot against her skin, his hand settling low in her back, pressing against her, melting something inside her, heating a part of her that had never been warmed.
She could feel his thighs nudge hers, feel his deep chest expand as he took a breath and then his head dropped as he cupped her face in his hand and covered her mouth with his.
As if he could feel her stiffen and resist, Cristiano gentled the kiss, stroked her cheek, her resistance melted.
Slowly he deepened the kiss, opening her mouth persuasively beneath his and Sam sighed as Cristiano’s tongue slid across her tingling lower lip.
Her brain was telling her no but her body was melting into his.
And then even her brain was melting as his tongue touched hers, and his hand briefly covered her breast, his palm firm against her nipple, and she trembled, and helplessly she moved closer, wanting more, wanting him.
His kiss, and the caress, electrified her. She’d never felt anything like it. And when he eventually lifted his head, she couldn’t move, couldn’t think. All she could do was look at him with wide, bemused eyes.
Seeing her confusion, he smiled grimly and dropped his head, pressed another kiss to her jawbone near her ear, and whispered, “I’ve no morals. Don’t trust me. Don’t think I’m a good guy. I’m not. I will never be.”
He walked out of the room, out the front door in nothing but shirt and slacks. And it wasn’t him walking out that shook her, but her response to him, her response to the kiss.
She’d never felt anything like that before and it dazzled her, made her realize he was even more dangerous than she’d thought.
But it was only a kiss, she reminded herself. Cristiano had kissed many, many women in his life and Sam was sure they didn’t all fall head over heels in love with him. And she wasn’t head over heels in love, either.
But he had rocked her.
She’d liked the kiss, wouldn’t have stopped the kiss, wouldn’t have stopped him.
Her skin still tingled and tightened across her cheekbone. Her mouth felt soft, her lower lip quivering. Even her body felt warm, pliant.
She wanted him, more of him, more of whatever he could give her.
Cristiano left the cottage, stepping out into the still white landscape.
The moon was high, the snow had briefly stopped and the light shone on a distant oak tree, turning the ancient gnarled limbs into a glittering ice sculpture.
They needed to get back to Monte Carlo, he thought.
He didn’t want to be here anymore. He felt increasingly trapped here. It was time to get home, get back to work, get on with his life.
Sam wasn’t part of his life. He’d take care of her financially, especially since she had no money, no family, nowhere to go. He’d set her up in a little house, help her find work…
Christ, who was he kidding?
He didn’t want to set her up in a little house somewhere and find her work.
He wanted to drag her into his bed and take his sweet time making love to her.
But if he took her, made love to her, kept her in his life it would ruin everything, at least complicate everything for Gabby. Because relationships ended. Love affairs didn’t last forever. And then how would he explain the fallout to Gabriela?
He couldn’t. She wouldn’t understand. Gabby was just a child and she doted on Sam, depended on Sam, and Sam was just as devoted to Gabby.
No. Desire—attraction—stopped here. Sam was right. Gabby had to be put first. Gabby couldn’t be hurt, not by the adults she trusted, not by those who’d sworn to love her, protect her.
And he did love Gabby. He loved her dearly. And he’d been fighting for her for years, since the night of the accident when the two formula one cars slammed together in balls of red fire.
He could see it all again. It never left his mind, playing and replaying in exquisite slow motion.
And slow, slow the car came up on his right to overtake him and there, ahead of him, was his teammate’s car, and Cristiano did what any aggressive ruthless driver would do. He blocked for his teammate, for his teammate’s win.
But the driver on his right was even more aggressive and cut left, and then right, and somehow lost control, careening out of control.
And that was how it always began, the slow motion movie rolling in Cristiano’s head, the car from the other team slamming into Cristiano’s teammate and then sliding back toward Cristiano’s car.
When you race, you travel at speeds beyond belief. Speed that’s like flying.
There’s no time to do anything. You can’t prepare. Not even react.
It just happens before your eyes.
Slow, slow, a movie one never forgets.
Cristiano’s teammate slams into the wall after being hit by the careening car and Cristiano, trapped by flying debris, can only go forward into his teammate’s car. Into the car he’d been trying to protect, a car already in pieces.
It was his teammate—his father—one and the same.
And that’s where it all ends and all begins.
The fire everywhere. Cristiano couldn’t see—guided only by the smell of burning petrol and exploding flames. The only reason he survived was because God, or an angel somewhere, plucked him from the fiery inferno and willed him to live.
The first thing Cristiano knew on awakening at the hospital forty-eight hours later was that his father was dead.
The second was that his legs had been crushed and burned so badly he’d never walk again.
The third was Mercedes at the hospital weeping and screaming, How in God’s name can I have this baby now?
Cristiano learned to walk again because a baby waited, needing a father.
He even learned to drive again because somewhere there was a baby Bartolo who’d need a strong man in his or her life, a man who wouldn’t quit and wouldn’t complain and would always believe that good prevailed.
Cristiano breathed deep, held the air in his chest and silently mocked himself. Don’t cry, you bastard. You’re a man, you can’t cry.
But God, the pain. The memories. The regrets.
And to think that Gabby, who was the good, should suffer again was the worst injustice of it all. For God’s sake, she’d already lost her mother, had an ass of a stepfather. How could he not do everything in his power to make Gabriela happy?
To make her life complete?
Santo Cielo, he’d do anything, absolutely anything for her.
The cottage door opened and Sam stepped out. She’d bundled up in one of the wool coats from the cottage closet. “Hey.”
He nodded, features hardening, hiding all that he felt. He was so good at disguising what he felt.
“Do you mind company?” she asked, clapping her hands together and blowing on her fingers.
“You’ll freeze.”
“You haven’t.” Her blue eyes flashed up at him. “And you’re not even wearing a coat.”
“I’m a man.”
She laughed, bless her, and he almost smiled. “That’s funny?” he asked.
“Just when you say it.” She glanced up, looked at the icicles above their heads, and reached up to try to break one off but couldn’t. “So when are you going to tell her?” Sam asked, and her wide blue eyes, cornflower-blue, stunning blue, pierced him. “About Johann, and you and school…”
Something in her gaze set fire to his heart. And he knew about fire. He knew what it was to be burned. “That’s a lot to tell a little girl,” he said.
She nodded, no longer smiling, and her sober expression reminded him of the night just days ago when she’d arrived at the casino to try to convince Johann to go home.
A woman on a mission. A golden haired Joan of Arc.
“Soon,” he said, shifting his weight, easing the pressure off his left leg, which had been the more severely damaged of the two. The cold weather was making all the scar
tissue tight and itchy and he couldn’t seem to get comfortable. “As soon as the time seems right.”
“Tell me before you talk to her. Just let me know, okay?”
But he didn’t say yes, and he didn’t say no, he just looked at her. And as he stared into her blue eyes, his lashes drifted lower, and his gaze settled on her mouth, on the softness and fullness he’d finally kissed after waiting so long to touch, and taste. And the wait had been worth it. Her mouth was perfect. She tasted and felt divine.
Reaching out, he pushed back one of her long blond curls. “You don’t hate me as much as you used to.”
Even in the moonlight he could see her blush. “I never hated you,” she answered, but her cheeks were crimson and she wouldn’t look him in the eye.
“You didn’t like me.”
Fresh color swept her cheeks, and she laughed softly, and it was a surprisingly deep husky laugh for someone so slight. “I questioned your morals and values.”
“That’s a nice way of putting it.”
“You did encourage Johann to gamble.”
“Of course I did.” He couldn’t resist touching her flushed face, couldn’t help touching what he’d craved for so long. “If it meant I could get what I wanted…”
“That’s what made me uncomfortable. You have to have ethics, Cristiano. You can’t just do whatever you want because you want something.”
Now it was his turn to laugh. “Oh, yes, you can,” he said, pushing the door open and steering her back in.
CHAPTER EIGHT
AFTER the kiss, Sam was sure that something would happen, but after returning to the fire, Cristiano lost himself in some reading he’d brought with him and Sam sat in her chair, feeling nervous and excited, rather like a girl going to her first dance.
But nothing else happened. It was as if the kiss had never occurred.
Cristiano focused on his reading and Sam sat feeling like a wallflower.
He must regret kissing me, she thought, chewing on her thumb. Or he kisses so many women it’s really nothing.
She had a sneaking suspicion it was the latter.
Finally it was time for bed, and Cristiano slept in one of the bedrooms while Sam carried blankets to the couch in the sitting room.
