by Jim Sano
Tom asked an uncomfortable-looking David, “David. What do you think?”
David looked up, and all eyes were on him as he broke his silence, “The science seems to point logically to one answer. That seems clear and denying the facts to be contended with seems like a ‘magical bed’ exercise to dismiss what doesn’t fit and too quickly accept what does fit the answer you want. I do have one issue believing in God though.”
Tom listened intently as David spoke, “If God is supposed to be all-good, all-knowing, and all-powerful, then why is there so much senseless suffering and evil in the world? If he were all-loving and all-good, he would want to stop the suffering and if he were all-knowing and all-powerful, he would stop it. So, which is it? Is he all-powerful but doesn’t care enough to stop it or is he not all-powerful and can’t stop it?”
Harris exclaimed, “See! Another proof that God does not exist! By definition, God must be all-good, all-knowing, and all-powerful. A god that is all these things would want to and be capable of stopping evil and suffering. Evil and suffering exist, so God does not exist. Seems simpler than the Cosmological Argument and harder to dispute rationally.”
A number of people in the pub were nodding and talking to each other as Tom responded, “I will admit that the problem of suffering and evil are the two things that trouble people the most. It is probably the number one reason why people stop believing in God and leave their faith consciously or unconsciously. Who here hasn’t struggled with this one throughout your life?”
No one raised his hand or said a word. Tom continued, “9-11, a young child suffering in a cancer ward, sexual molestation by an adult or especially a priest, war, senseless torture, or a natural disaster. The list seems endless and downright cruel, so why wouldn’t you ask yourself, ‘What kind of God would allow this?’ To be honest, I don’t know if I can answer the question in a way that would make everyone feel good about it, but one thing I do know is that he is the kind of God that would love us enough to humble himself in Jesus who entered right into that suffering with us.”
Sam murmured, “I never thought of it that way before. But why meaningless suffering?”
Tom scanned the attentive audience. Everyone was engaged in a conversation they probably never had an opportunity to have. “I know that some of you don’t believe that God even exists, some of you may not think a lot about it, and some of you have a deep sense of God in your lives. I can only share what I’ve come to know in my life, which has ranged from having a strong conviction that there is no God, to being very angry at God, to having a life-changing relationship with the God I now know loves each one of us unconditionally and passionately.
“I thought freedom came from focusing on myself and what I wanted, but I found real freedom in God’s plan and His love that never fails, never betrays, and never dies. I thought he was a god that didn’t care about me, but He is constantly desiring a true relationship with each one of us, to pour out His love for us. It took a while for me to recognize that He wanted me where I was and gave me the gift of free will to return that love. If God were controlling all of our actions and decisions, we wouldn’t have free will and that wouldn’t be a loving relationship any more than it would be if we controlled everything in our relationships. However, the downside of free will is sin and evil acts that people do that hurt other people. I have had to learn to trust that God will take care of those injustices with an eternity of joy and love with him in heaven.”
Tom paused for a few seconds. “Suffering from illness, injury or natural disasters were and still are a much tougher reality to understand. It can shake your faith to witness what seems like senseless and useless suffering, but that assumes that no good can come from suffering or evil, that God cannot turn those things into something with a purpose and a good. In the midst of suffering, I’ve seen great acts of personal compassion, courage and self-sacrificing love. People have received and passed on the gifts of patience, trust, empathy, and love when it comes to enduring suffering themselves or being there for those who suffer. I think there are times when our role on earth is to be an example to others.
“When it comes down to it, life isn’t about us. When we slide into a self-focused and self-serving life and believe we have no need for God or His plans for us, we are missing the point and joy of life. My own mother was bedridden for almost twenty years with multiple sclerosis. Each day she had a smile on her face and set an incredible example for everyone who came to visit her. She trusted in God’s plan for her. As I said, I don’t think any one answer would fully address the struggle we have with this, but Jesus knew suffering. He lost His earthly father, His trusted friends betrayed Him, He was tortured and beaten to a point where He was almost unrecognizable, and then experienced a gruesome death, all so we could take our place in heaven. When we suffer, we can unite with Him in that act of self-giving love.”
Sam said, “Thanks for sharing that, Tom. I have to ponder that one a bit more.”
Tom responded, “Thank you for letting me share. This is a deep subject. People have written lots of great books on this that can help if you or anyone were interested.”
While Tom had been talking, Diogenes and Alex had quietly slipped back to the bar, while Harris and the others had remained.
David found himself slipping into the discomfort of his own painful experience as a young boy but continued to pull himself out of the darkness of that pit.
Someone broke in with, “So, can we talk about the Pats?” and the response of laughter broke the thoughtful silence about a heavy topic. The Patriots had only beaten the Miami Dolphins twice out of the previous eight games, and there was plenty of anticipation going into Sunday’s game in Miami.
People started to break into smaller groups and left Tom and David at their booth where the evening started. Tom gripped his mug. “Sorry about letting that turn into another debate. You had good questions, and I’m not sure you got the answers you were hoping for.”
“Well, I don’t know who the heck is leaving these messages, what they are trying to tell me, or why any god would let a young child—” He awkwardly stopped himself mid-sentence.
“I can’t answer the first question about who, but it looks like someone is trying to get you to think about your life.”
David’s brow furrowed. “My life? Are they worried it’s going too well?”
Tom smiled. “I could be wrong, so I apologize if I’m out of line, but something seems to be weighing on you pretty heavily. I’m guessing that it may be tied to trust somehow. The two clues so far—”
David cut Tom off. “So far? You mean there are more of these?”
“I don’t know about that, but the two messages have been about believing in truth and believing in God. The answers to those two questions, for any man who has the courage, to be honest, can have a profound impact on his life. My guess is that it’s probably someone looking out for you, not someone out to hurt you.”
On the way out, Tom stopped at the bar, put his hand on Harris’s shoulder and shook his hand with the other. “Harris, thanks for the lively debate. I appreciated the respectful conversation and back and forth. I hope you felt the same way.”
Harris gave Tom a firm shake back and with a broad smile and a laugh. “Same here. Even if you got some wacky conclusions, you’re all right in my book.”
Tom looked directly at Harris. “Don’t lose your curiosity just when things get interesting. That is what the fun of science and life is all about.”
Harris smirked and nodded.
Outside the pub, David hunched his shoulders up to counter the cool evening air. “I have been a little restless lately, but I’m okay. Nothing to worry about.”
“Well, that’s great. Maybe next time you can come actually ready to play. I’d rather have you knocking me down than sleepwalking through the games like you did today!”
“Just setting you up for next week. Hey, you really believe all that stuff you said in there tonight? I guess you would,
since it’s your job.”
“I might flip that around and say it’s my job because I believe it. David, I think it’s good to spend time thinking through things, but sometimes we can let thoughts and feelings roll-around in our own heads too much. We can be our own worst enemy by avoiding the real issues or answers. Let me know if you ever want to talk sometime without the pub mates.”
“I think I’m good, but thanks for the offer. I was sorry to hear about your mom. How is she doing now?”
“Thanks for asking. I do miss her a great deal. She passed away two years ago this month. I used to visit her every Wednesday afternoon, and we’d have great conversations, so you can see that I’m depending on you now.”
“That is a lot of pressure since we hardly know each other.”
As they started heading in their respective directions, Tom said loudly, “Let’s do something about that!”
Chapter 18
When David got home, Trooper was there to greet him at the door. He crouched down to pet him. “If I didn’t provide you with a comfortable bed, food, water, and some attention, would you still want to be my best friend? I guess I’ll never know for sure.”
He found himself having similar thoughts about his relationships at work: Are we truly friends? Once the utility was gone from the relationship, would they stay? Would I stay? Tom was the first person he had known who seemed to truly want a friendship and expected nothing in exchange. He had the feeling that Tom would still want to know him even if he stopped playing basketball on Wednesdays. His relationship with Tom was new territory for him, and he wasn’t sure how to manage it. What did Tom really mean when he had said, “Let’s do something about that!” What did that “something” look like? How was it going to feel if Tom noticed areas of discomfort going on inside of him?
As he showered and readied for bed, he thought about Jillian. He knew she was hurting, and he felt frozen about the right thing to do. If he saw her without having his issues resolved, he’d be unfairly putting her on an emotional roller coaster. He needed to deal with an issue that he was desperately trying to avoid.
Next to the den cabinet sat a file box from his mom’s apartment he had taken home after the funeral. Much of the contents of the box were things belonging to Jimmy or his father that his mom had packed up and put away for thirty years. One of the items was a diary that Jimmy started after high school. David took a breath and opened it for the first time.
January 1, 1971
A new year and ready to start my life now. Started a new job in the afternoons at Dunbar Security in Dot. When I’m eighteen next month, I can work loading and unloading armored cars–a lot better than cleaning and working the office with boss Bill. Once school is out in May, I can work full time and make my own decisions.
Dad still pushing for Community College in fall but done with school. If I can save up enough, hoping to move back to Savin Hill, but at least I can spend time now with my old friends and enjoy life.
Goals for New Year:
-Save to move out on my own and back to Dot
-Get into Bruins Stanley Cup game
-Don’t get drafted (please don’t get drafted)
-Have a year to remember!
And take DJ to a game this summer
David had built his own conception of his older brother, Jimmy. He idolized him and wanted to be just like him. As a young boy, he watched the way Jimmy dressed, the sports and music he liked, and the confidence he had, but he now realized that he really didn’t know Jimmy, only the image he had created as a child. The diary gave an insight into Jimmy that he had never had before with entries from January 1, 1971, through the night before his tragic death on October 15 of that same year.
The family had moved to the North End in the summer of 1970. Jimmy was more than upset to be forced into a new neighborhood and a new school in his senior year of high school. This had created tension between Jimmy and his dad that raised tempers on a daily basis, often at dinner with all six of them crowded around the Formica kitchen table. Mom was trying to get used to the new surroundings, the neighborhood gossip, the smaller apartment, and the tighter budget. Above the hutch sat a picture of Giovanni or “Gianni” Fidele and Ann Elizabeth Kelly coming out of St. William’s Church on a sun-filled September day in 1952, as husband and wife. What always struck David was the look of love and admiration his mother had as she was looking at her beaming bridegroom, with her arm around his and his other hand up in the air to shield the rice falling on their heads.
David’s dad had served in the army from ‘48 to ‘51 and spent a year overseas in the Korean War. Ann met Gianni at a dance in town, and they dated and fell head over heels for each other before Gianni was shipped overseas. Ann had grown up living in a three-decker house on Sidney Street in the Savin Hill section of Dorchester, a primarily Irish Catholic neighborhood, although there were Polish, Italian, Swedish and Lithuanian families scattered throughout this neighborhood of Boston. Gianni had agreed to live upstairs in the house that Annie’s parents, John and Carol Kelly, purchased when they moved down from Stonington, Maine after Marie’s painful death. While they were Irish, they were staunchly Protestant and weren’t thrilled with their daughter dating and then marrying a Catholic, never mind an Italian boy. In time, they did come to like and respect Gianni because he had served his country and more importantly, treated their daughter with loving devotion and respect. Setting foot inside a Catholic Church for the first time was one of the hardest things that they had done, but Annie had pleaded with them to celebrate the wedding and respect Gianni’s only request. They agreed, as long as their own Presbyterian minister would co-officiate the wedding vows.
Gianni had grown up in a tight Sicilian neighborhood section of the North End of Boston. Moving to Savin Hill was a cultural shock, to say the least. Dorchester was divided into several sections and each into a parish defined by the local Catholic church. Just around the corner from Sidney Street was St. William’s Church and Elementary School, where all four of their children attended.
Gianni got to know the neighbors well and was active in the local church activities, including coaching basketball for the younger boys at the school and the older boys in CYO. He learned to enjoy the Irish culture and the tight-knit community. After work at the construction warehouse, it was easy to stop by the North End, which he’d do at least twice a week to get some of his mom’s cooking, especially her pasta with meatballs and perfectly simmered sauce seasoned with basil, oregano, onions, garlic, and lamb.
When Gianni would come home from visiting his family, Annie could always tell where he’d been even when he’d sit down for another full dinner with her and the kids. Gianni and Annie’s family grew, beginning with Jimmy in ‘53, and then Bobby in ’55, Abbie in ‘60 and finally David John in ’63. Annie had lost two children before David was born, which had taken an emotional toll on her for some time. Gianni loved spending time with the entire family but also made a point to have one-on-one time with each of the kids. He also made sure that he and Annie went on a date once a week, even if only for a walk around the neighborhood. Gianni would always say that one of the best gifts you could give your children was the example of a strong and loving marriage.
As much as David had idolized his brother Jimmy, he admired his dad and the man he thought he was. His dad was up early six mornings a week to work hard at a manual labor job, but he was generally home early and was completely present with his family. He was a man of deep faith and loved his Church. He made sure that he and the kids went to Mass every Sunday and on holy days. David remembered his dad always tried to teach something new to the kids every day through his sayings on virtues like honesty, courage, patience, and love or reading sections from his favorite books. Despite Gianni ending his formal education at high school and joining the army, he never lost his love for learning and reading Homer’s Iliad and Odyssey, Dante’s Divine Comedy, or the Bible.
Annie tolerated Gianni’s desire to raise the kids in his
faith because it seemed to mean more to him than her faith personally meant to her. She was also okay with each of the kids attending St. William’s Elementary because it was so close and offered a better education than the public school, and most of the kids in the neighborhood attended the local catholic school. Life for Gianni and Annie’s family was good, and living upstairs above her parents helped them with raising four children on a tight budget.
Times were changing for the Boston neighborhoods of Roxbury, Dorchester, and parts of Mattapan, however, and for the heavy concentration of Catholic and Jewish families in these ethnic communities. To escape the continued oppression and racism still occurring in the South from the early 1900s through 1970, there was a great migration of African American blacks to cities like New York, Chicago, and Boston. With the Civil Rights movement of the sixties, there was a push to provide housing for poorer black families. Shortly after the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr. in 1968, Mayor Kevin White announced the Boston Banks Renewal Group to help low-income, first-time African American buyers purchase homes with federally insured FHA mortgage loans. Twenty-two Boston area banks and local real estate agents got together to formulate a plan that ended up drawing a red line on the Boston map, only allowing these loans to be granted if the African American families applied within this marked area that included Roxbury, North Dorchester, and Mattapan, and denying loans outside of these areas. The belief was that the Jewish and Catholic families, who were heavily concentrated in these areas, wouldn’t complain.
At the same time, unethical real estate agents were practicing a tactic called “blockbusting” by warning residents in these areas to sell their homes before their values declined anymore and that the neighborhoods and their daughters would be unsafe as black families moved in. These harmful tactics caused a great flight out of the area for the 90,000 Jewish families living there and many other families as well. Annie’s parents couldn’t afford the risk to the value of their home and broke the bad news to Annie and Gianni that they were going to sell and move back to Maine during that summer of 1970.
