by Jim Sano
Tom explained the situation to Sister Helen, and she put her arm around Gabby and took her down the hall to show her a spare room. When she came back, she said, “Luke, what happened that this girl doesn’t have a place to stay on a night like this?”
Luke shifted left, then right. “She had a falling out with her roommates and just needed somewhere to go.”
Sister Helen tilted her head. “Roommates?”
“I meant roommate.”
“And would this ex-roommate be a she or a he?”
Luke didn’t respond, and Sister Helen didn’t ask again.
On the way back home, Luke broke the uncomfortable silence. “I know what you’re thinking, but Gabby isn’t one of those girls. She doesn’t sleep around. She thought she loved this guy. She just couldn’t see that she was in love with a total idiot.”
“So, what is Gabby like? What’s her family situation?”
Luke’s hands sank deeper into his pockets. “Gabby’s dad left when she was ten or eleven. I’m not sure, but there may have been abuse of some sort going on. When her mom started dating different guys, Gabby felt as if she was very much in the way. I think living at school was a good way to get out of the situation. She’s really a great girl, but I’m not sure she believes it, and she still thinks she loves this guy she moved in with over the summer.”
“It sounds like there’s a lot going on there. You’re trying to be a good friend—or is she more than that to you?”
Luke stared ahead.
“Obviously, I don’t know her whole story, but when kids don’t feel loved or affirmed growing up, their sense of self-worth can get seriously undermined.”
“When we talk, I always try to build up her self-esteem, but she always pushes back and rejects any compliment I give her and any notion she should be treated better.”
“Luke, no intent to get into semantics, but there may be an important distinction between self-esteem and self-worth to consider.”
“Is there a difference? Aren’t they both about feeling good about yourself instead of beating yourself up?”
“You are right that self-esteem is feeling good about yourself, but that sometimes leads us to build a false self that we can get other people to like, admire, and be accepted for. People can become narcissistic out of fear of being rejected for their true self and start to need others to build their self-esteem. They can still be empty inside and all the time frantically working to hide their true selves. We all do it to some extent but the more we know and accept who we really are, the healthier and more at peace we can be.”
“So then how is self-worth different?”
“Self-worth is something deeper at our core, it’s recognizing our intrinsic value as a person. This’s why affirmation from parents is so important to help a child feel truly loved, to feel valued and essential. That gleam in a mother’s or father’s eye mirrors back to the child his inner goodness, beauty, and value as a person—not just in words but with a felt experience. When a person deep down knows his worth, he has a sense of emotional security that so many of us lack and a willingness to bear the trials of life for growth. We’re not perfect by a long shot, but I think we were fortunate to have parents that gave us that gift every day.”
Luke nodded. “I really do miss them. Sometimes you don’t know how much impact a parent can have on a kid, do you?”
“One reason I was talking about the importance of sex in a truly committed relationship is because—”
“Because those kids deserve and need to be treated as more than a mistake, or something like that?”
Tom smiled. “Something like that.”
Luke stopped and turned to Tom. “Can you tell me something? When I try to tell Gabby how wonderful a person she is, why does she push back and fight it so hard? It is almost as if any compliment I give her is a bad thing and she instantly rejects it. Why doesn’t she trust me even a little?”
Tom’s lips pressed together as he thought about this common experience in his counseling sessions with people young and old. “There’s a theory on what you are experiencing with Gabby called ‘self-verification.’”
Luke turned. “Self-verification? What’s that?”
“It’s an interesting dynamic I think has a lot of merits, from my experience. People need to be able to process the world coming at them or else they can feel very overwhelmed and stressed. When life experiences lead them to a negative view of themselves, this self-view, even though it’s negative and false, still provides them with a sense of self-coherence and a means for understanding and responding to the world.”
Luke stood with his hands in his pockets. “Huh. So, a person, even when she has an unhealthy negative image of herself, will want to maintain that perception in order to process and cope with the world coming at her?”
“You got it. They will seek out or create confirming negative feedback to maintain the distorted perception of themselves or else they’ll feel lost, disoriented, and not have a secure basis for knowing the world. Their core sense of self, their very existence is threatened, and they can actually feel a high level of anxiety and fear when there are moments of hope. We tend to infer who we are by observing how others react to us, so we will create or seek a social environment that confirms and reinforces our own self-view.”
“So, when I tell Gabby that she’s beautiful, worthwhile or a good person inside, it might be creating a moment of anxiety or panic for her. I get that. But it can’t make sense for her to stay with such a negative perception of herself. What’s the best thing to do as a friend?”
They started walking again. “It’s a great question and not an easy one to answer. We all have to be able to tolerate some level of discomfort in order to grow, but it needs to be only what we can handle. Take a woman who has been beaten or abused by her dad, and she continually dates or marries abusive men. She obviously believes in her negative self-view and that this is all she deserves. She may even believe it’s her fault. She has sought out the environment that confirms her perceptions of herself and will make excuses to anyone who tries to tell her she deserves better. It’s clearly not better for her to stay in that situation, even if it’s uncomfortable to leave it and believe something better about herself. The best thing is to get her into an environment that’s healthy and safe and to work slowly with her over time to unwind those ‘truths’ and replace them with the real truths of her true self and self-worth. It takes patience, love, understanding and, many times, professional therapy.”
“You do a lot of counseling, Tom. Do you think you could talk to her and help her?”
“I would be more than happy to talk with her if she’s ready to do that. As I said, I know very little about her personal situation, so much will depend on how open and ready she is to dig into areas that most of her will want to avoid or keep secret. Let’s see if she is open to talking.”
“Thanks for talking and for offering to help out. I know you’re a busy guy.”
Tom put his hand on Luke’s shoulder as they walked the last few yards back to the rectory. “This is the kind of stuff that I’m here to be busy with.”
Chapter 26
For the past thirty-one years, Columbus Day weekend has always been a long weekend during which David deliberately busied himself. He had a standing golf outing planned each year down the Cape, and he was looking forward to having the guys from the office down this year to drink, play golf, eat, and have fun. The conversation this year seemed more superficial and less interesting to him than he had remembered. There was laughing, joking, and drinking but he wondered if anyone was really having any fun. The golf was good, and the dinners were great, but he felt almost alone in the middle of constant interaction with his longtime acquaintances.
When he got home on Sunday night, he sat back in his favorite chair with Trooper next to him. David was just letting thoughts come to him, a change from so many years of making a conscious or maybe unconscious decision about what thoughts he’d allow into
his mind.
Jimmy’s diary was still sitting on the cabinet in front of him. He stared at it, trying hard to resist opening it.
Finally, he reached over and held the leather diary in his hand again and then opened it up to the marker he left in the book for the month of April 1971.
April 1: Mo asked me to come over to Styx tomorrow. No clue what he wants. Just two months left of school! Freedom!
April 2: Mo met with me and Tommy C in his office. He said that there was a really good opportunity and thought he could use us if we were interested. He said that working at Dunbar was great but would never pay what they could make, and this opportunity could open up some real possibilities for us. Not sure what it is, but trust that Mo usually has a good nose for these things. Nice thing was that he gave me three tickets to the Sox opening day game against the Yanks.
April 6: Gave Dad tickets to the Sox game so that he can take David. Glad that he could see a win against the Yanks to start the season.
David still had vivid memories of his first game at Fenway. He got a note to get out of school early that Tuesday and Gianni took a half day. His mom wasn’t as excited about him getting out of school to see a game but didn’t argue about it. They took the Green Line subway line to Kenmore Square and then walked to the park with over 34,000 other fans. Outside the park were the peanut and pretzel vendors singing out in their distinctive voices, “Peanuts here! Get your fresh-roasted peanuts! Peanuts here!” Gianni bought two brown bags of the warm, roasted peanuts, and they strolled into the park. The tickets were for better seats than Gianni had ever gotten himself, grandstand seats on the first base side where lots of foul balls were hit. They moved through the crowds and up the ramp for David’s first glimpse of the immaculate stadium with the colorful crowds, all that beautifully cut green grass, the large green scoreboard that was taller than he had imagined, and the baseball diamond itself with players tossing balls to warm up. David couldn’t believe how incredibly awesome this was, and Gianni enjoyed watching the expressions on his face as they made their way to their seats.
He hadn’t thought about that day in many years, but it remained one of his most cherished memories of his youth.
He scanned the page, over other menial entries, then turned the page and stopped.
April 15: Met with Tommy C and Mo in the Common. He said he has the go-ahead to start planning something, but he wants to know if he can count on us and that we will keep working at Dunbar during the year. He said it was big but if well planned, it would be safe. I’m feeling a little nervous about this, but I think we can trust Mo.
Watch B’s lose 6th game 8-3. They need to take the final game in Boston.
April 18: B’s lose final game and out of playoffs. This sucks!
May 12: Went to Music Hall with Tommy C and Brian Murphy to see J. Geils Band. Wolf had the place rocking. Whammer Jammer, Looking for A Love. Fun time.
The pieces were beginning to fit together. David could see from an adult perspective what he hadn’t understood as a child.
Jimmy had started hanging out more in Savin Hill after work and bothering less with schoolwork now that he was in the homestretch. Tommy C was able to secure a quality fake Mass ID for Jimmy, so James J. Fidele was now “21 years old” when he needed to be. Jimmy was happy to be spending more time back in his old neighborhood, and a couple of those hangout spots included Connors Tavern and the Bulldog Lounge across the street. Both bars were owned by Eddie Connors, an ex-Marine and ex-hard-hitting professional boxer who won twenty-two fights, eighteen by knockout. Eddie did get a shot at the New England middleweight title but lost to Willie Green. Eddie had no issues with his bars being hangouts for mob criminals, bookmakers, and loan sharks and was known to be tight with Howie Winter, the boss of the Winter Hill Gang headquartered in Somerville, Massachusetts. There was a large, fat man standing in the door frame who gave a quick glance at Jimmy’s ID before he finally entered the tavern for the first time. The interior was black and smelled of stale beer as Jimmy noticed the cheap color TV over the bar and Eddie, who looked a lot like Rocky Marciano, standing behind the bar talking with some tough looking patrons.
Jimmy wanted to talk with Tommy C about Mo’s offer to get in on his plan. Mo hadn’t given out any details to either Jimmy or Tommy C but wanted to make sure they stayed working at Dunbar Security, jobs he had secured for both of them. Jimmy thought it must have something to do with the armored trucks or the lockboxes that were handled at the office. He wasn’t feeling comfortable with the whole idea, but Tommy C wanted to see what the plan was before backing out on their commitment to stay at Dunbar. The more they hung around at the Tavern and got familiar with guys they knew were involved with less than legal activities, the less the idea of finding out what Mo had up his sleeve seemed like a bad idea.
On one occasion, Tommy subtly pointed out one of the patrons who came and talked with Eddie—Donald Killeen, the head of the dominant Irish mob in Southie at that time. Tommy C kept his voice down and told Jimmy about the mob war between Killeen’s gang and the rival Mullen gang run by Paulie McGonagle. Donald owned a bar called the Transit Café just off Broadway Street in Southie. Tommy C said the rumor was that Donald’s younger brother Kenneth had a fight outside the bar with Mickey Dwyer, a member of the Mullen gang. This led to Kenneth trying to empty his gun into Mickey but only hitting him once in the arm. Tommy C said, “Get this. When he was out of bullets, he jumped Mickey and ended up biting off his nose and sent him running to the hospital, while Kenneth stood there and spit his nose out. Supposedly, Donald retrieved the nose, washed it off, wrapped it and put it on ice to send to the hospital, but the war was on. I wonder what he’s talking about to Connors?” Jimmy didn’t know, but it wasn’t making him feel comfortable about being there, as he finished up his beer while trying not to stare at Donald Killeen.
Living in the neighborhood, Tommy C became more and more acquainted with the regulars at the Tavern and was feeling as if he belonged to something bigger than himself. Jimmy was uncomfortable with the idea of not knowing what and whom he was dealing with. He went to talk with Mo about the plans he was working on that would involve Tommy C and himself. Mo told him to be patient because he was still working on getting “the okay” and that it would take a great deal of planning to pull it off smoothly.
Mo took Jimmy and Tommy C to one of the meetings at Twin Donuts donut shop in Union Square in Allston. Inside was a fifties-style diner, Mo told Tommy C and Jimmy to sit at a table near the front window while he met with two guys who were already sitting in a booth in the back. Tommy C sat with his coffee and a few chocolate-coconut donuts until Mo waved them to come to the back.
Mo introduced the two guys who both looked to be hard-nosed lads in their late twenties. “This is Jimmy and Tommy, both from Savin Hill. Guys this is Gino and Mac from Eastie and Southie. I think we have the makings of a solid team, but I need to know that each of you is all in. I’m still working on the nod and financing before we get into detailed plans, so let’s keep this tight. I promise you a smooth and professional operation that can set you all up for time to come, but I need your commitment to every aspect.” Everyone nodded and shook hands.
Jimmy felt like things were moving fast. He spent more and more time with Mo or at Connors Tavern and sometimes at The Transit in Southie, so the players didn’t seem as intimidating unless someone got out of line. He’d seen the New England mafia boss, Gennaro “Jerry” Angiulo in the Styx lounge with a few of his soldiers and lots of the Killeen and Winter Hill gang members at the Transit. Tommy C loved the sense of action and the respect these players seemed to get, oblivious to the fact that he and Jimmy were now being safely protected as two of Mo’s boys. Most of the gang activities seemed harmless since it involved bookmaking, loan sharking, and hijacking activities. They saw little of the extortion for protection or robberies and were unaware of the murders outside of the gang war-related confrontations. Off and on, they ran into Kenneth and Edward Killeen, Jack Cur
ran, and Billy O’Sullivan and sometimes made a few bucks by running deliveries for the bookmaking business.
One night Jimmy went to the movies with Tommy C at the old Orient Theater on Blue Hill Avenue in Mattapan Square. Afterward, they drove over to the Transit Café for a beer before heading back home. Donald and Kenneth Killeen were there as was Billy O’Sullivan who was talking at the end of the bar with a guy who Jimmy didn’t recognize. Tommy C told Jimmy not to look over at the bar. He whispered to Jimmy, “I think he grew up in the Old Harbor Village public housing project in Southie and spent a bunch of years in prison, including a stint in Alcatraz. I heard he volunteered for LSD experiments, and I’m not sure if that made him a little unpredictable or if he was always that way. He has a brother in politics and, growing up, his nickname was ‘Whitey,’ but they said to never call him that because he likes to be called Jimmy, so you two should get along well.”
Tommy C laughed while Jimmy tried to catch a glimpse of the man with the tinted glasses and receding hairline. To Jimmy, the man seemed a little more under control and self-aware than the other members of the gang, but in other ways, he seemed more dangerous. Outside of the Tavern, Jimmy and Tommy C stood with their hands in their pockets making plans for the week. Jimmy made his way home thinking about what he was getting himself into, first slowly and now more quickly. When he got home, Gianni was sitting up at the kitchen table folding a piece of paper and then unfolding it and repeating the process to pass time. It was late as usual, and Gianni wanted to talk with Jimmy, but Jimmy wasn’t in the mood for a lengthy lecture and Gianni didn’t want to push it since everyone else was asleep.
