by Jim Sano
“I’m very sorry if that question seemed out of line. I’m only poking at some possible, and common, feelings that can come up when someone has gone through what you have. I’m asking because our emotions can be masked over when we don’t recognize the reality of what we felt, even if it makes us feel ugly or ashamed in the process.”
David looked straight at Tom. “I believe you are trying to help, but I need to take a break for today. Don’t worry, I’m not running away. I just need some fresh air and a break to think.”
“Whatever you need is what you should do. We may run into things that are highly uncomfortable at times, and I may be unintentionally out of line at times.”
David put on his coat and shook Tom’s hand, heading out the door as Tom sat down and closed his eyes as to calm himself. While the session had been difficult for David, it had also been difficult for Tom as his friend.
*****
After a while, Tom went into the church to pray. Through the dim light, he could make out a person in the front pew—David
Without turning around, David said, “It’s okay to talk to me.” Tom walked up to the pew where David was sitting and took a seat next to him where they sat in silence for over ten minutes. Looking straight ahead, David whispered, “Did you know you actually cannot lie to God? We perfect our ability to lie to ourselves and others, but you can’t lie to God. It just hit me that he already knows the truth. He knows us better than we do, so we can’t tell him anything he doesn’t already know.”
“I think you hit on a very simple but a deep truth.”
David continued to sit, looking up at the empty altar and a large crucifix high above it. “You asked if I ever felt hate for either of my parents. I know that I hated what he did and that he left us alone. I know that I hated that my mother turned off any sense of emotion for us. I think that may have been when I started hating God. He didn’t take care of us. He let it happen and ignored my prayers when I needed him. I thought if they were all dead, I could be stronger and move along with my own life, chiseled carefully out of a granite exterior and that no one could disappoint me again. I trusted them to be there, and they both abandoned us for no reason I could understand.”
“A lot of times we bury intense feelings we think we aren’t supposed to have.”
*****
David stared at the floor. “I’ve been trying to sit here and drop all my armor, all my defenses and know what I actually feel.” Tears welled in David’s eyes as the feelings rushed in through the walled levy that had separated him from that hurt.
Tom said, “Did you feel angry?”
A lump grew sharply in his throat as he struggled to speak. “Yes. I felt angry. Angry at the world. I felt a rage at times that was aimed at my parents and especially at God. I felt as if I couldn’t and didn’t want to survive the dark pit I’d been plunged into with no one to help me understand it. Do you want to know how I felt then? I felt damn angry. Do you want to know what I feel now? Angry and pissed. Yes, I’m glad my father is alive, but I’m angry that I need to prove myself to him when he was the one who lied and left me. Now, just when he gets me to open that door just a little, he’ll abandon me again. I know not all of that is true, but that’s how I feel!”
David’s emotions were like toxic sensations running through every vein and every nerve in his body. He felt himself miles down the pit yelling into the void for help that would never arrive. His chest and limbs were literally shaking as he tried vainly to calm himself down. If Tom weren’t sitting on the end of the pew they were in, he would’ve rushed out the door back to the safety of his old, heavily managed routine and busyness, but he was trapped.
“I know you’re experiencing what probably feels overwhelming, but I’m going to ask you if you know why you felt so angry?”
David turned sharply toward Tom. “Why? Why did I feel angry? How can you ask that?”
Tom peered into David’s eyes with a tone of empathetic friendship. “David, it’s okay to be angry. It’s not wrong to be angry even at God; he can take it. I want to know what it means to you to be angry. Some of our feelings are like a two-sided coin and certain feelings always go together. Anger is a strong emotion that many people, especially nice people, think they should never feel, which can cause a lot of anxiety. The flip side of that same coin is fear. Where there is anger, there is always something we’re intensely afraid of. I want to know what you felt most afraid of when you were the angriest then and angry now.”
David’s emotions continued to run high, and he was feeling more uncomfortable than he could remember ever feeling as an adult. He fought against the emotions flooding him as he tried to think about what he was afraid of, not only as a child but still today. He never thought of himself as afraid of anything, other than being too close to another person. Tom was the only person who was allowed this far into these secret rooms of his inner self.
Tom repeated the question. “David, what did you feel most afraid of?” immersing David in the uncomfortable feelings he had worked so tirelessly to avoid and stopping him from thinking with his subconscious defense mechanisms.
“I was afraid that they would leave me, and I’d be all alone!”
“Okay, what if they left you, and you were alone; what would that mean?”
David was again taken aback by the question. “Wasn’t being abandoned and alone enough?”
“What would that mean if you were abandoned? What are you afraid that it would mean?”
David couldn’t think as he moved uncomfortably in his seat, looking up at the spiral ceilings of the church to find an escape. He could feel a wall come tumbling down as he blurted, “It would mean that they didn’t care enough about me to stay!”
Tom pushed one more time. “And what if they didn’t care about you enough to stay?”
David’s entire body was shaking more than ever, and his heart felt as though it were burning and pounding through his ribcage as he yelled out, “It would mean that I was worthless! That I was nothing!”
Tom put his arm around David as he was breathing in and out with quick but deep breaths to calm his entire being.
David had gone to a place he vowed to never go, to a place he was sure would confirm his worst fear and be the fatal blow to his very existence.
Tears poured uncontrollably from David, tears and emotions that had been built up for over thirty years were now free to escape the prison they had been held in for just as long as David’s father had endured his own prison sentence.
Tom cried silently as he held his arm around David’s shaking body. David had experienced his descent into his personal hell, all the way to the bottom of the black pit. He had experienced constant nightmares about this, and now he survived the journey. As emotionally exhausted and drained as he felt, David started to realize that he’d survived and felt not only a great relief but a sense that his underlying fear had disappeared. He hadn’t addressed his feelings of worthlessness or being nothing, but he no longer felt as vulnerable. Under any other circumstances, David would’ve felt embarrassed by his exposed feelings, but, instead, he felt relief and freedom.
Tom squeezed his shoulder. “I’m sorry we had to push so hard. You really showed a ton of courage and strength to break through some serious emotional walls.” His voice quavered as it caught in his throat. “I’m truly proud to have you as such a close friend.”
His sincere show of emotion touched David deeply. This was the first conscious challenge to his fear of being worthless, the fear that had stoked so much incentive and drive to always succeed and excel, to present a perceived sense of value to the outside world, while he carefully hid his real self deep inside.
Tom joked, “This probably wasn’t the Saturday morning you had planned.”
David stood up and shook his head, placed his hand on Tom’s shoulder, and together they walked toward the doors as the sun streamed in through the rose window overhead.
Outside in the crisp, cool January air, David took
a deep cleansing breath “What now?”
Tom smiled. “We still have work to do. Now that you know what that hidden emotion and belief have been, you need to challenge it and crush it with the truth. Self-rejection is the robber of life and the reason why we try so desperately to fill that sense of emptiness with all the things that never satisfy.”
“Because our sense of self-worth can only come from one place?”
Tom chuckled. “Maybe there’s hope for you yet. I’ll see you Wednesday, but call me anytime you need to talk.”
David reached out to shake Tom’s hand and then decided to embrace him instead as Tom returned the embrace until they separated quickly, humorously acting as if it didn’t happen.
David arrived home feeling exhausted, but lighter, starting a new journey without the weight of his imagined world on his shoulders.
Chapter 51
For six weeks, David met with Tom on Wednesday nights to learn about the faith and the Church. They discussed faith and reason, the meaning of the commandments, morality, sin and forgiveness, the dignity of life, who Jesus was, His teachings, and His loving sacrifice. They studied scripture and how the New Testament fulfills the Old Testament in the salvation story, the early Church, the role of its members, and the final things in life. With Tom’s encouragement, David became comfortable enough to ask lots of questions and to challenge things, such as the reliability of the Bible, or the authority of the Church. The conversations were lively, deep, and eye-opening for David as he came to find meaning and purpose behind so much that he once thought to be quite the opposite. Faith wasn’t another thing you did on the side, but something that ran deep into the fabric of a person, creating rhythm and purpose to everyday life, transforming even ordinary things into instruments of grace. David had started this process for the sole purpose of making his father happy and proud of him, but now learning about the actual history and meaning of the faith had given him a desire to learn more.
During that time, David continued to meet with Tom on Friday nights to undo David’s strong but distorted truths that had built up, his fears of a lack of intrinsic self-worth, and false beliefs that the source of self-worth came from the validation or approval of others, or from his achievements and perceptions of success. It was a difficult task to crush “truths” that David had believed at his core for so many years.
By using several techniques of cognitive behavior therapy, Tom worked with him to challenge those beliefs over and over. Developing a deep sense of his own intrinsic value as a person also involved looking hard at the false-self David had built over time to protect his authentic-self. It had created a vicious cycle of becoming more anxious as the disparity between his actual-self and false-self grew. The phrase Tom used that caught David’s attention was, “I am what I am not,” which made it clear how denying your real self can do nothing but create ever-increasing subconscious unrest. In the end, the source of a person’s self-worth and value can only be satisfied by God Himself, our creator. We are made in God’s image and are made with unconditional love for the purpose of being part of God’s plan and part of God Himself as His adopted son or daughter.
At the end of one of the Friday night sessions, David paused while putting on his coat. “Tom, can I ask you a question?”
“Sure. What’s up?”
“We’ve been meeting on Wednesday nights for one thing and Friday nights for another. It finally hit me that, in the end, they’re not really different discussions, are they?”
Tom grinned. “Nope. In the end, they are very much the same.”
David smiled as he nodded back.
*****
David’s weeks started taking on a rhythm with basketball and RCIA on Wednesdays; working as a regular now at My Brother’s Table on Thursdays for lunch; basketball and therapy with Tom on Fridays; and spending Sundays with Amy, James, and Kathleen. When David was finally given the clearance to fly down to Richmond to see his father, something felt different—as if he were going freely, without looking to prove his worth through his father’s approval and without the anger and mistrust he once carried.
David approached him with a broad smile that made his eyes squint. Gianni walked a little more gingerly to his seat but looked much better than David had anticipated. As Gianni picked up his receiver, David said, “Pop, it’s so good to see you. You look really good. How are you feeling?”
Smiling, Gianni answered, “How could I be doing any better than when I’m seeing my son? You seem good.”
David laughed. “You could be doing better if you were home with me. I should’ve asked you first, but I hired a law firm to see if you can be released due to extenuating circumstances.”
Gianni gave a little smile as if he were sure it couldn’t come true. “That would be really nice, son.”
David was honest with his father this trip, talking openly about his life and about his feelings.
Gianni nodded, and tears came to his eyes several times as David talked about his emotional breakthroughs, his lessons on his faith, and the work he was doing to be the father his children needed.
Gianni and David both smiled as they shared the line from The Godfather. “A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man.”
As usual, the time allotted never seemed like enough, but it was also unlike David’s first visits.
On the last Friday of February, David met with Tom, as usual. After their session, Tom asked, “David, I have a favor to ask of you. I would like you to join the rest of the RCIA team on Monday nights if you are available.”
David was surprised by the request. He preferred the one-on-one format. “Tom, I don’t know. Monday nights are tough.” Tom continued to smile at David without saying a word until David responded. “Why don’t we just keep going the way we have?”
“Two reasons: one, we agreed to have your own classes until you were caught up, and two, our faith isn’t really meant to be a solitary act. Our personal relationship with God is the main thing but doing this in community is what the Church is all about. Plus, I think you’ll like the four elderly women who will be joining the Church at the same time as you.”
“I know I have to trust God and my father, but we never said I had to trust you.”
Tom laughed. “I think that’s a very wise strategy.”
When David arrived at the church on Monday night, he was surprised to see the RCIA team already standing at the back of the church with Tom and more surprised to see that they were not four little old ladies with whom he might feel out of place.
Tom greeted him with a wave as he approached the group. “I would like to introduce David Kelly. This is Pooja, Marge, Mike, and Ben.”
David leaned over to whisper in Tom’s ear, “Four elderly women, huh? I owe you one.” David shook each of their hands and stopped in front of Ben, a Patriots football player, six foot three inches and almost 300 pounds, with a shaved head. “It’s Ben Harris, correct? We actually met briefly at an event at the stadium last year. I’ve enjoyed watching you play.”
The others had their own stories: Mike seemed like a normal guy who had grown up with no faith and was probably in his mid-forties. Pooja, raised Hindu, was an attractive woman in her twenties who was dating a Catholic man. Marge was the old lady in the group, a lifetime Presbyterian who was converting and was full of energy and character. David was feeling more comfortable joining the group after spending time with them.
Tom asked the group, “Does anyone know what’s special about this week?”
David didn’t have a clue.
Ben raised his large arm. “Ash Wednesday is this week, then Lent begins.”
Tom nodded. “Great. Who can tell me what day of the week Ash Wednesday falls on?”
David's hand shot up. “The day after Fat Tuesday?”
Everyone laughed.
“And we’ll call this smart-aleck Monday. As you may know, this is the beginning of Lent, and for me, this is a great time to focus on things in m
y life and my relationship with Christ. Before Jesus started his ministry, he went into the desert for how many days?”
Ben said, “Forty days. He fasted, prayed, and was tested by Satan.”
Tom said, “Excellent, and it’s a great time for us to fast, to repent for our sins, and for spiritual renewal through prayer, fasting, and good works. What happens on Ash Wednesday?”
Mike answered, “People have ashes on their foreheads to show their faith?”
Tom nodded. “It indicates the beginning of a time of reflection and sacrifice and the priest will mark your forehead with ashes in the Sign of the Cross saying, ‘Turn away from sin and be faithful to the Gospel.’”
David asked, “Why do people give up stuff? Sometimes it seems as if they just want to look holier than someone else.”
Tom sat straight in his chair. “The intent is not to let on that you’re fasting or making a sacrifice. It’s good for the soul and brings solidarity with other Christians all over the world. For me, giving something up or doing something different provides a nice daily reminder that this period is different, a great time for spiritual growth.”
Tom stood in the middle of the five candidates and said, “We will talk more about Lent and how important Easter is to us as we go along. Does anyone know when the period of Lent ends?”
Marge said, “Easy one—Easter.”
Tom replied, “Close. It actually ends when Holy Thursday Mass begins. Part of what is called the Triduum: Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and Easter is what I wanted to talk about today. Can anyone guess what that is?”
David kidded, “I’m guessing that it’s not chocolate Easter bunnies?”
Tom pointed to David. “You are correct, it’s not chocolate Easter bunnies. It’s the center of our worship and the source and summit of our faith. This was as true for the early Church as it is today.” The group was silent, and Tom continued, “I want to talk about the celebration of the Mass. Sounds like a party, huh? Let me know if these descriptions of going to Mass sound familiar - boring, confusing, meaningless ritualistic, routine, et cetera.”
