by Jim Sano
The service began in total darkness, just as before the creation of the universe. The new paschal candle was lit and dipped into the baptismal font. From that candle, each person lit the candle he was holding and shared the light with the person next to them until the church was filled with the candlelight. There was something intimate and unifying as the readings and songs moved the service from the Creation to the Fall, through the covenant relationship between God and Israel, until the life, death, and resurrection of Christ in fulfillment of the early scriptures. Gianni stood with David next to him, his hand on David’s shoulder as Tom confirmed David into the faith, marking his forehead with the Sign of the Cross in the holy oil of Chrism. “David John Giovanni Kelly Fidele, be sealed with the gift of the Holy Spirit.”
David responded, “Amen,” as he was now a confirmed member of the Church that Jesus built and graced with the gifts of the Holy Spirit to help build it up.
After the Mass and the final song to celebrate that Christ was risen and had conquered death for all, the parishioners met in the basement for a social gathering and food to break the fast. James came running up to hug his father, as David was congratulating Ben and the others, which was soon followed by hugs from Amy and Kathleen. David introduced Izzie and her family to everyone. The boys from the basketball team, sporting their new black jackets with red writing on the back that said, “St. Anthony’s Basketball, Conference Champs,” all said hello to Coach Kelly as they had moved their way through the noisy, festive and packed hall. As David was talking with his father and Angelo, he noticed Kevin Walsh standing about ten feet away with some coffee in one hand and a cheese Danish in the other. David wiggled his way through the crowd and reached Kevin just as he was taking a bite out of the Danish. David patted Kevin on the back. “Of all the people I wouldn’t expect to be here tonight!”
Kevin said, “I think I would’ve said the same thing to you not too long ago. Izzie told me what was happening, and I thought, ‘I have to see this.’ It’s been a long time since I’ve been to Easter Mass, and I’ll have to say that I like what you have.”
David looked Kevin in the eyes. “It’s what has been missing in my life. I really appreciate your coming.”
Kevin said, “Don’t let me take you away from your family, but let’s go out to dinner sometime soon, and you can tell me what has really been going on with you.”
David put his arm around Kevin’s shoulder and replied, “It’s a promise.” David made his way back to his family and friends and remembered feeling much like he did on Christmas Eve with his family and neighbors those many years ago.
As people left, and the hall thinned out, David stayed and helped put away chairs and clean up in the kitchen, as did Kathleen, Amy, and others, while James sat and talked with his grandfather. David and Tom hadn’t had a chance to talk all day and as they folded some tables together, David said, “You must be exhausted, but these were three incredible days. I want to thank you for everything, and I mean everything you’ve done as both a friend and a good priest.”
Tom lifted the table with David. “I appreciate the kind words, but none of this has been a one-way street. Our friendship means a great deal to me. It also means a lot to me to see you with your family and in a good place with yourself. When I finally joined the Church, it felt as though I had come home. I hope it feels that way for you. A lot of people are running around these days chasing happiness, but I think joy is a deeper feeling that comes from putting Christ at the center. It’s a great gift I’m glad we can share.”
David gave Tom a hug. “I think it’s time to get Pop home and let the family get back to Hingham.”
Kathleen kissed Gianni goodnight as she put her coat on. “We’re looking forward to seeing you tomorrow for Easter dinner, and I’ll have that lamb simmering in the oven when you arrive.”
The next day was one of the best Easter dinners anyone in the family could remember.
Chapter 56
While life felt completely different to David now, things seemed to get back into a simpler routine. There were no more Monday or Friday night meetings at St. Anthony’s and no basketball coaching. David now had more time to spend with Amy and James and with his father. His brother, Bobby, hadn’t responded to any calls or letters from Gianni and David, but Abbie had finally agreed to have them come out to Minnesota to visit Memorial Day weekend. She told David she was anxious about seeing their father, given the anger she harbored for so long, but David convinced her that she’d be very glad she saw him.
Although Gianni didn’t say anything, David suspected he was feeling more pain in his back, especially when he walked for any length of time. He was also experiencing weakness and numbness in his chest and down his legs. Four days before their flight to see Abbie, the pain became more severe, and after another night of no sleep, Gianni told David he needed to go to the hospital.
David flushed with panic, but he forced himself to remain calm. “Okay, Pop. I know a doctor at Dana-Farber who is really good. I can take you over this morning.”
“I’d appreciate that, son. I’m sorry about this.”
“Why are you sorry, Pop?”
“I’m sorry to put you through what may be coming, and I was so looking forward to seeing Abbie this weekend.”
David had called ahead to Dr. Richard Heigel, someone he’d met through social functions and fundraisers, and felt he could trust with his father’s care. When they reached the hospital, there was a wheelchair ready at the door that David gently assisted Gianni into. Gianni looked up at David. “I won’t break. I’m just feeling a bit of discomfort.”
David put a hand on his father’s shoulder as he registered him and took him up to Dr. Heigel’s office where the doctor examined Gianni and asked him to describe what he was experiencing and his history. He then ordered a PET scan for Gianni while David stayed in the office to talk about his observations and where they could get Gianni’s medical records. After a few hours of waiting, Dr. Heigel called David and Gianni back into his office to discuss the scans. “Without having your records or the results of the bone scans or needle biopsy, I can’t give you a definitive diagnosis yet.”
Gianni calmly said, “We all know I have cancer that includes spinal tumors. I’m assuming from the symptoms that there’s at least one new tumor beginning to grow and pressing on the spine. Is that fair to say, Dr. Heigel?”
Dr. Heigel glanced at David and then back to Gianni. “Mr. Fidele, I’m sorry to say that is most likely the case. I’m seeing several growths that look like tumors in areas that would be difficult if not impossible to operate. I do want to wait for your full records and the remaining lab results before we make a plan of treatment.”
“I completely understand. I’ve been dealing with this for some time now, and I’m past the point of chemotherapy and radiation. The expectation was that the tumors would return and spread into the spine itself. What I’m hoping for is that you can help with the pain management and if you have other recommendations after you’ve seen the other test results. I’d appreciate that. Thank you for seeing me on such short notice, Dr. Heigel. I suspect it’s not easy to get onto your busy schedule.”
“You’re welcome, Mr. Fidele. It helps me to know your awareness of your situation and I will absolutely let you know as soon as I have more information.” Dr. Heigel wrote on a small pad of paper. “In the meantime, I would fill this prescription to relieve some of your current pain. After the results, we can discuss the possibility of a spinal pump for more effective pain management or the use of nerve blockers. It is hard to know yet what the best options are, but we will do everything we can to give you the best care.”
“Rich,” David said, “I truly appreciate this, and spare no cost to do whatever you can. I just want my father to have whatever he needs.”
Back home, David called Abbie to tell her that the trip looked like it needed to be canceled, but Abbie wasn’t sure if she could arrange a trip to Boston.
David also ca
lled Angelo to let him know, and Angelo came over that afternoon to visit, allowing David to visit Tom. “I had to take Pop to the hospital,” he explained to Tom with a choked voice, “and it looks like the tumors are back already and may not be operable.”
Tom reached his hand out to grasp David’s arm. “I’m so so sorry. Is he in the hospital now or home?”
David’s eyes were red and puffy. “He’s home and Angelo is with him. He never complains, but he told me that the pain was strong. I feel so cheated. Things were going great. We were building a really nice relationship together and with Kathleen and the kids. Why does this have to happen so soon? Why can’t God show his mercy now?”
“I understand. I can’t give you a magic answer. I don’t know the plan for your dad or for you, but I do know there is one. I also know he will be more than okay in God’s hands, but today he’s in yours and glad of it. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at you. There will be plenty of time to be angry at God, but let’s give him a chance to show us more.”
A feeling of abandonment and fear came over David again, but he felt comforted by the empathetic look of his best friend.
Tom suggested David walk over to the church with him. The statue of Mary gazed down with a look of love and peace. In front of her were several rows of prayer candles, and Tom picked out two long wicks, giving one to David. “Let’s each light a candle for your father and say a prayer for him.”
David hadn’t lit any of the candles before. Now in the quiet of the night in the house of God, it seemed natural to light the candles and say a prayer for Gianni.
Tom said, “Holy Mary, please hear our prayer. Dear Lord, we pray this evening for Your most faithful and gentle servant, Giovanni Fidele. He has continued to put his trust in You and do Your will as he suffers from this insidious disease. May he be strengthened in joining his suffering with Christ, and may he be healed in His name. Whatever Your plans are for Gianni and David, may they know of Your never-failing love and Your boundless mercy as they never lose trust in You and Your will. We pray for strength, guidance, and healing, in Your name. Amen.”
“Amen. Thank you, Tom. That meant a lot.”
They sat together for another fifteen minutes in silence, praying and letting God fill their hearts with peace.
When David returned home, Gianni was already in bed, and Angelo was sitting at the kitchen table waiting for David. They talked about making sure Gianni had someone available while David was at work, and Angelo offered to remain available, which made David feel much better.
After a week and no news on the PET scans, David was getting impatient and drove to Dana-Farber to see Dr. Heigel. “David, it’s good to see you. I actually talked to your dad yesterday when he called me.”
David was surprised. “You already talked to him?”
Dr. Heigel said, “I planned on having you both in later this week, but I had a call from him. I have to tell you he’s very much on top of what’s going on with his condition and options. He sounds like someone who does his research and asks the right questions.”
“I’m not surprised, but can you tell me what you’ve found out?”
Dr. Heigel was somber. “I can tell you that the tumors are malignant in nature and there are several. It may be just a matter of time before it metastasizes in the spine itself. I’m very sorry to give you this news, David. Your father seems to be a very strong individual and at peace with his situation, but I think he’s worried about you.”
“Worried about me? How can someone with spinal cancer be worried about me?”
Dr. Heigel took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. “David, your father is most likely entering the final stages of battling his cancer. It may be only a matter of a few months, and he is very aware of this terrible reality. I don’t think he’s worried about himself but those he cares about deeply whom he leaves behind.”
David stood up and paced a bit before turning. “There must be something we can try. I cannot believe there’s nothing that can be done. All this money for research and innovations and you are saying that there’s nothing we can do for my father?”
Dr. Heigel stood and walked around to the front of his desk. “David, there have been some great advances in treating cancer. I hope we’ll look back on treatments such as radiation, chemotherapy, and surgery as crude and barbaric, but right now they remain the only options available in many cases. Your father has been through several rounds of chemo and radiation treatment, and while there may be some palliative benefit to additional treatment, we are at a point where they will not eradicate his cancer. I believe your father’s preference is not to spend his last days in hospitals but spend that time with family at home. I know that’s very difficult to hear, and it may feel like giving up, but I don’t believe that this is the case for your father. From a professional standpoint, I respect your father’s wishes and agree with his decision. As a friend of yours, I can completely understand the pain and how hard this news must be for you. I am so sorry to be telling you all of this, David.”
David shook his head in disbelief and sat back down without saying a word as he stared down at the floor trying to process what he was hearing.
“David, we don’t know yet what will happen. As I said, he is very strong for his age, but he also has been through a lot, and it does take something out of you. The important thing is that we are there for him and monitor him closely. There are options to help with the pain that can be quite strong when it comes to spinal cancers. We will make sure he has everything he needs, and that you and your family are included as well. It can be very hard for sons and daughters to do this when their parents are sick, but the best advice I can give you is to put yourself in your father’s place and think about what you would want. It’s your best guide to doing the right thing for your dad.”
“I appreciate your being straightforward with me. This isn’t easy for me to hear, but I can imagine that it’s not the easiest part of your job either. I just want to make sure he’s as comfortable as he can be and has the best care available. I also want to be trained to be there for him through this as well. If you can help with that at all, I would appreciate it.”
Dr. Heigel said, “Absolutely. Family involvement is really important, and I think that will be especially true for your dad.”
David got up and shook Dr. Heigel’s hand and thanked him as he left his office feeling dazed and unsure of the road ahead.
Over the next few months, David made sure Gianni had company and the care he needed. It was always hard to tell because Gianni wasn’t one to complain, but he was generally doing well with the pain medication he was taking and was able to spend time with David and Angelo and to see Kathleen, Amy and James at least once or twice a week. It meant a lot to Gianni to be able to develop relationships with his remaining family even though he knew it would be a more painful goodbye in the end. He had always thought he’d rather suffer the pain of loss and know he really had something to miss than to avoid relationships just to avoid the pain of loss later on. He hoped that his family would feel the same way in the end.
Many days, Gianni took advantage of getting outside whenever he could, sometimes walking and other times in his wheelchair with someone he cared about pushing from behind. Gianni told David how grateful he was to have this chance to be home with his family, to experience the sights, sounds, and smells of early summer. He talked openly about dying but drew people to him with his sense of humor and his joy of life itself. When he felt able, he went to daily Mass. It was something that brought him great peace and strength. When he wasn’t able to attend, Father Tom would drop by to bring him Communion and visit with the family.
They celebrated James’s birthday with a fishing trip on a boat David rented, and on the Fourth of July, they had a picnic on the Common during the earlier family fireworks. Gianni was fully present for each moment he could be, but by mid-July, the pain became severe and constant. David took his father back to the Dana-Farber unit t
o do another round of scans that revealed the growth of the tumors and cancer metastasizing to his spine. Dr. Heigel wanted to introduce a low dose of morphine taken orally to ease the pain and have a nurse spend several hours each day with Gianni to provide therapeutic massage and monitor his status. David cut back his hours at work and worked from home to be with his father and learn everything the nurse was doing to help Gianni. Time had passed far too quickly for David. He was feeling the anticipated loss of his father and he was not ready to lose him again.
On the third Saturday of July, Gianni was sitting up in the adjustable bed David had brought in and they were watching the Red Sox game together on the television. The Sox were playing the Yankees that afternoon at Fenway and were only a few games behind. David was happy Gianni was feeling well enough to enjoy the game with him.
Gianni said, “I don’t know if this four-to-nothing lead is safe, but I think they’ll win today.”
David said, “After losing by one run in the ninth last night, I hope you’re right. Maybe they’ll finally win the whole thing for you this year.”
Gianni smiled fondly at David’s still youthful enthusiasm for this rivalry. “That would be nice for you and James.”
In that comment, David didn’t miss his father’s awareness he wouldn’t be here to watch the games at the end of this season.
“David, I have a large favor to ask of you. It’s something I’ve been thinking about and would like to do.”
David put his hand on his father’s. “What is it, Pop? Anything you want.”
“I feel a bit selfish, but I would like to be in Maine for my last days and then be with your mom.”
David stared down at the back of his hand holding his father’s as he tried to process the reality of what his father was saying. “Pop, if that is where you want to be, I’ll make sure that’s where we are.”
“It would mean a lot to me, son. Could we have Kathleen and the kids over tomorrow because I want to see them before we go.”
