by Jim Sano
David had to admit to himself that he hadn’t thought a lot about his mom since the funeral, not even where she might be, but he could tell his father had prayed a lot about it with a love that never died.
When they got back to the cottage, Gianni took a nap while David put away some supplies they picked up. By late afternoon, they were both hungry, and David started boiling the water for the lobsters and shucking the corn. Over dinner, they reminisced about eating lobsters together at David’s grandparents’ house, and how he was taught to pick a lobster. Although Gianni’s appetite had diminished, he took his time enjoying the taste of each bite, smiling as he watched David’s own healthy appetite at work.
As the early evening light took over the colors of the sky, Gianni asked David if they could walk down the hill to the shore. David grabbed a couple of high beach chairs and held his other arm out for Gianni to hold as they slowly descended the road to the shore while noticing the scampering chipmunks and unpicked raspberries along the way. At the foot of the hill was a flat spot in front of large, jagged rocks that used to hold a pier when the cove was once filled with fishing boats. They met a neighbor who was watching her dog run freely on the beach chasing the small pieces of driftwood she tossed for him to fetch, and David put the chairs out to sit.
They sat and took in the sights and sounds of the quiet cove. Two fishermen, still moored in the cove, were attending to their gear as David and Gianni watched. Gianni said, “There are few things as beautiful as this place. Growing up in the city or being in prison for that matter, your eye only sees what man has made, and it never comes close to the beauty of God’s natural creation.”
“You’re right, Pop. It does bring a different sense of peace and satisfaction than a high-rise building ever seems to invoke.”
“It’s interesting to watch these fishermen taking care of things at the end of a long day. It reminds me of a reading from Luke that I was just reflecting on.”
David wasn’t a Bible guy but knew this meant something to his father. “I know you want to tell me, Pop, so I’m open to anything tonight.”
“Okay, so Jesus saw some fishermen washing out their nets, having no luck after a long day of fishing. Jesus walked onto Simon’s boat. ‘Put out into the deep water and let down your nets for a catch.’ Simon shook his head telling Jesus that there were no fish to be had but agreed to go out and let down the nets one more time. When they pulled them up there were so many fish that the nets were bursting, and they needed help from another boat. Both boats were filled to the brim and were almost sinking. Simon felt ashamed that he hadn’t trusted Jesus. Jesus said to Simon, James, and John, ‘Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching men,’ and they left everything and followed him.”
“So, what’s the main point of the story?”
“Most people, including myself for so many years, hang safely around the shallow part of the water, kind of committing ourselves but not really trusting enough to let go of everything that holds us back. We’re afraid that we are giving up something or afraid to jump into the deep water with both feet because we don’t think we can do it alone. But that’s the point, we’ll never do it alone, and when we fully trust in God, the return is abundant and overwhelming. We think God asks too much of us to commit everything, but what we can do and what we can give will be so much more than we thought because it doesn’t come from us but from God. ‘I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.’”
Shortly before sunset, there were streaks of orange, red, and purple starting to color the underside of thousands of cotton ball clouds in the evening sky. Gianni looked up and said quietly, “It took me a long time to get it, but I finally jumped in and everything finally made sense.” David knew he had been cautious about doing any more than dipping his toe in up until now but taking this leave from work to be with his dad felt like a leap out of his once-normal comfort zone.
Chapter 58
The next day, they played cards and talked about things David did when he was a boy and how difficult it had been growing up. Outside of getting tired easily, Gianni seemed good despite the obvious episodes of pain that would seem to freeze the moment as he endured them with deep breaths and pushing his hand against his thigh, the mattress, or the arm of the chair he was sitting in. When he took naps, David had time to think about life, which was something he couldn’t recall ever having done before. He was appreciating this time with his dad. They sat out on the porch in the evening listening to Red Sox games on the radio as the crickets made their sounds heard and the fireflies flashed in the dark of the night. David stepped off the porch to stare in wonder at the sheer number of stars shining brightly, vastly more than he could see from his Boston rooftop because of the glow of the city lights. At night, Gianni retired early to bed and David sat with no one but himself. Surprisingly, he didn’t feel alone or lonely. There was no television, and cell phone reception was non-existent on this side of the island. It was peaceful.
Maggie returned with washcloths, basins, medical-care items and equipment to administer morphine through an IV. She also brought some fruit and a CD player with some spiritual music for Gianni. “How are we doing today, Mr. Fidele?” Maggie asked. “Has your son been taking good care of you or do we have to exchange him for someone new?”
Gianni smiled as Maggie ran the palm of her hand slowly up and down his back. “Couldn’t ask for better company.” Gianni glanced up at David and then back at Maggie. “But it came anyway.”
David laughed and was glad his father remained in good humor, and that it was Maggie who was their hospice nurse that arrived at the door. Maggie listened to Gianni’s breathing and took his vitals as she asked him to describe how he was feeling and if he needed more pain relief. She massaged his back as he lay down, and it seemed to be helpful. She worked with him on breathing exercises and other strategies to help him get through the tougher moments of pain. She also reviewed his pain medications, the doses, and intervals for taking them. Maggie explained how morphine would bind to the opioid receptors in the nerve cells along the spine and the brain to calm down the nerves that carried pain signals. It wouldn’t do anything to the underlying medical issue nor speed up the process of dying.
Maggie said, “It can cause constipation, stomach pain, anxiety, and drowsiness. I need to know if you ever feel your heart beating slower or faster, if your breathing becomes shallow or if you feel extremely drowsy or light-headed, so we can watch the dosage. Anything out of the ordinary, just let me know. Everybody okay with that fun stuff?”
Maggie showed David how to massage and apply the heat packs, how to bathe him, and eventually how to clean his father when he could no longer do so. David hadn’t thought about the level of intimacy that was going to be involved in Gianni’s care. What Maggie couldn’t show David by instruction, but only by example, was the level of compassion and dignity she showed for his father. Most people would run from this type of work and dealing with the reality of the dying process, but Maggie found a purpose in her work with each individual she came to know in their last weeks or days. Old people are supposed to be ugly and death nothing short of repulsive in this world that valued youth and the superficialities of life, but Maggie seemed to see the beauty in each wrinkle that marked a lived life, in the process of letting go, and being ready to meet God Who has loved them from before their first moment. David watched Maggie hold Gianni’s hand as he squeezed it during his reoccurring sensations of pain, gently massaged his back and shoulders, or caressed his face with a look of love and a recognition of his value.
As the days passed, it started to sink in for David that his father’s fate was a reality. They would sit and talk, or David would sit in the chair next to Gianni’s bed as he rested and listened to music that would lift his soul and bring a sense of peace. David could tell that the sunlight brightening the room and the gentle shore breeze that made the lace curtains float in the air was a thousand times better than lying in a hospital. David read passages fr
om the Bible each morning and chapters from Homer’s Odyssey or Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings that he had checked out of the tiny library in town. Gianni smiled as he listened and drifted off in a moment of peace.
Gianni was able to make it once to Mass at St. Mary’s and meet the priest who would soon co-celebrate his funeral Mass. Father Robert Mullen had come to Stonington as a boy and shared stories with Gianni as they were close to the same age. Father Bob had a gift for a good sermon that made even the most lukewarm Mass-goers never look at their watch. He came to visit Gianni several times a week to bring him Communion, and also to administer the Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick, with prayers and a blessing with holy oil intended to bring comfort, peace, and courage to the individual. There was a group of women from the church who had met Gianni and David at Mass, and they dropped by several times with food, fresh flowers, and offers to clean or to stay with Gianni if David needed to do an errand or take a break. The neighbor they had met down the road would also drop by with her dog to see how Gianni was doing.
Late on the Saturday morning of August 9, there was an unexpected knock on the screen door. David came out of Gianni’s room and noticed more than one person on the porch outside the door. When David opened the door, his heart felt a burst of joy to see Tom, Angelo, and Kathleen standing there smiling just on the other side of the screen. David stepped onto the porch to greet the most cherished people in his life. He hugged Kathleen and reached out to shake Tom’s hand and then gave him and Angelo a hug as well. “I can’t believe you are here. How did you even find this place? And you came all this way! I can’t tell you how happy I am to see all of you.”
Kathleen smiled. “We weren’t sure how things were going or if this would even be a good time, but we just had to see you and Dad.”
Angelo asked, “Could I ask how he is?”
“He’s doing well for what he is going through. Each day, I can tell he loses a little bit, and gets more tired and unfortunately has had more frequent pain throughout his back. The good news is we’ve been blessed with a great hospice nurse who has been wonderful to him and has shown me how to care for him.”
David opened the door to let everyone in. “Let’s see if we can say hello. I just gave him his medication.”
As David peeked in the door, they heard Gianni say, “I’m always up for company. Who’s come to visit?”
Angelo poked his head in Gianni’s room and tears of joy came to Gianni’s face. He was smiling broadly, and his emotions overwhelmed him as he reached out his hand. “Angelo, Angelo, it’s so good to see you. I’m so glad you’re here. I was afraid I might not see you again before…well, it’s just good to see you.” Angelo leaned over and hugged Gianni gently. “I won’t break, Angelo.” Then Gianni’s eyes widened as he saw Kathleen and Tom at the doorway. “I should’ve put on my party clothes. Did you all make the long drive up today?”
Kathleen was unsuccessfully fighting back her own tears as she came over, kissed Gianni, touching his cheek with her hand. “Dad, I hope this is a good time. I hear you’re being well taken care of. It’s such a delight to see your smile. Amy and James send their love.”
Tom came over and shook Gianni’s hand and squeezed his shoulder with the other saying, “You’re looking good, Gianni. We’ve been praying for you and David every day and decided we wanted to do it in person.”
Gianni was smiling but then everyone could tell that a rush of pain overcame him as he closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. David quickly held his hand as he put his forehead against his father’s and waited for the wave to pass. Gianni finally released his grip and his eyes opened with a noticeable tear on his eyelid. Tears welled in Kathleen’s eyes as she watched David’s loving compassion as he straightened his father’s pillow, whispering something in his ear to which Gianni nodded. When Gianni was more comfortable, he glanced up at everyone and said, “I hope you don’t mind visiting with David while I just close my eyes for a bit.”
Angelo and Tom stepped onto the porch, but Kathleen stopped in the living room and turned to David, looking up into his eyes with tears still in hers. “David, you are treating your dad with such love and compassion. This can’t be easy on him or you, but I can only imagine that it means the world to Dad to have you here with him. It means a lot to me, too.”
“I’ve been blessed to be here and to have this time with him. I really want him to have everything he needs.”
Kathleen moved closer to David and hugged him. “How are you doing emotionally? I’ve been thinking of you every day.”
David gently moved closer. “Thank you. I can use all the prayers I can get, but please save some for Pop. He’s been incredibly strong. I thought I’d feel cheated, but instead, it’s been such a gift to have this time alone with him, to talk with him, and care for him.”
David and Kathleen joined Tom and Angelo on the porch with iced tea, cheese, and crackers. They sat and talked about Gianni, the beauty of this small slice of heaven they were looking at, and about all the people on the island who were being so supportive. About an hour later, an old Subaru wagon pulled up, and Maggie got out of the car with her medical bag and opened her hatchback. David helped her carry in several bags of groceries, pausing on the porch to introduce Maggie to everyone.
Maggie said, “I have been doing hospice work for many years and these two make it so easy. I don’t feel like they even need me.”
David quickly said, “Maggie has been nothing less than heaven-sent. She is so wonderful with Pop and has been trying her best to bring me along.”
Maggie chuckled and visited for several minutes before she went in to put things away and to check in on Gianni. Kathleen went in to help and talk with Maggie. David saw himself through another lens as he overheard bits and pieces of Maggie saying, “Mr. Fidele is an incredible man and such a sweetheart and Mr. Kelly has been so good with him. He really loves his dad in a way I don’t often see. Most people don’t want to be this close to the dying process. It’s difficult, messy, and emotional. I’ve watched Mr. Kelly sit with him, read to him, wash him, massage him, share the pain with him, and even clean him without pulling back. It’s been quite an honor to witness such a testament of a son’s love for his father.”
After Gianni’s nap, Maggie went in to check on him and take his vitals. He was able to get up and sit at the table with everyone through a talkative dinner as they all enjoyed the evening’s sunset that was nothing less than spectacular. As Gianni was ready to head back to bed, David looked at Tom. “Where did you guys find a place for tonight?”
Tom turned to Kathleen and Angelo. “Ah hum, well, we didn’t exactly think our plans through. This island is smaller than we thought and the few places to stay are full.”
David shook his head and laughed. “Ohhh, okay. Let’s see. There are two cots in the room I’m in and the couch here.
“I can sleep in the car or on the floor here,” Angelo said.
Maggie waved toward the door. “I’m heading home, and I always keep a blow-up air mattress in my car with sheets, so you’re covered. Bring one of the cots out here, put the mattress over there, and let Kathleen have the bedroom. Problem solved, see you sometime tomorrow.”
Everybody laughed and decided it was the best solution at this time of night and thanked Maggie.
The next day, Angelo stayed with Gianni while Tom, Kathleen, and David went to Mass at St. Mary’s in Stonington. Tom and Kathleen met Father Bob after Mass, and then they went to breakfast at the Harbor Cafe. The waitress asked David how his father was doing. David thanked her for asking. Kathleen said, “David, you must’ve loved coming up here as a young boy. It is really something special. I can see why Dad would want to be here.” Tom agreed as the three of them enjoyed socializing during breakfast. David enjoyed the break, not from his father but from the process itself, a break he knew Gianni could not have himself.
They drove around the island to see the striking views and then back to the cottage in Sunset where they tha
nked Angelo for the time. Angelo said, “The thanks are for you. It was really nice to spend the time with my dear friend.” They stayed and visited with Gianni for a while before they had to leave for the drive home. Gianni blessed all of them and thanked them for coming the long way to see him, but no one had a single thought that the ride was a burden.
As they stood outside saying goodbye, Kathleen gave David a long embrace and told him she loved him. Tom smiled at David and his eyes misted as he said, “He’s proud of you, and so am I. Stay strong; you’re not alone.” David stood at the end of the driveway and watched their car climb the hill and then disappear from sight as he wished them safely home.
Over the next several days, Gianni’s pain and fatigue intensified. He told Maggie that he would need more relief but still wanted to be present and awake. Maggie told David that it was time to set his father up with an intravenous morphine drip, which would deliver the appropriate doses at prescribed intervals. Gianni would be able to pump an additional dose to help him tolerate the periods of breakthrough pain. Maggie closely monitored Gianni’s alertness and any symptoms that might indicate a need to adjust the doses he was receiving. Gianni was able to walk for short intervals around the cottage or to sit on the porch for a bit with David, but he was increasingly confined to his bed. Having the adjustable bed made it easier to change positions, and to visit or to sleep when he needed throughout the day. Gianni had generally lost the taste for food, but Maggie found ways to give him small doses of concoctions she had made up that provided nutrients and hydration.
