by Mike Resnick
Thaddeus had finished almost half the bottle by the time I returned to him, and I cautioned him to slow down a little.
“Why?” he said. “The sooner I get good and drunk, the sooner I'll forget about those goddamned freaks.”
“They're aliens, Thaddeus.”
“Aliens, freaks, what the hell's the difference?” He stared moodily at a photograph of the O.K. Corral. “I'm losing control,” he muttered at last.
“I don't understand what you mean.”
“Haven't you got eyes? Don't you see what's going on?” He looked over at me with an odd expression on his face. I wrote it off to the liquor.
“You're not making any sense, Thaddeus.”
“Goddamnit, Tojo! Ahasuerus acts more like my father than my prisoner.
And that blasted Horned Demon knows that no one can leave the tent, and even so he thought he could get away with it.”
“He did get away with it,” I pointed out.
“That's what I mean! Why should I give a flying fuck about whether the rainbow man is happy or not?” He pounded a fist down on the arm of his chair.
“Look at me! I'm sitting here staring at pictures of Wyatt Earp and Jesse James. And why? Because my own trailer has been turned into a nursing home for sick aliens!”
“It was your idea,” I said.
“I know!” he yelled. “But why the hell did I think of it, Tojo? I don't do things like that!”
I didn't know what to say, so I simply kept quiet and stared at him as he took another drink.
“I'm losing control of things!” he repeated. “And that goddamned blue man knows it. He just sits there, taking everything I can dish out and thanking me for it. Why doesn't he fight back?”
“I don't know, Thaddeus.” I reached out for the Scotch. “You'd better take it a little easy with this stuff.”
“Get your hands off it!” he said hotly, grabbing the bottle back and taking another long swallow. “You're on their side, aren't you?”
“I'm on my side,” I said noncommittally.
“Don't lie to me, you little dwarf! Everyone's on their side—you, Alma, Queenie, Monk, even the Dancer if he's spent two seconds thinking about it. The only one who doesn't give a damn about them is Romany.”
“And you,” I said.
“Right,” he said without conviction. “And me.”
He looked at the bottle for a minute, then hurled it against the wall, where it exploded into a thousand tiny fragments.
Then he stood up and walked groggily into the bedroom. I heard the springs squeak as he flopped down on the bed, I heard his shoes hit the floor as he kicked them off, and then I heard him mutter, in an unhappy and bewildered voice:
“What is happening to me?”
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* * *
Chapter 14
I woke up to the sound of Thaddeus’ voice.
At first I thought I had fallen asleep in the Dancer's trailer, but as my mind became clearer I remembered trudging back to my own bed.
Wondering if one of the aliens had become sicker, I threw on a robe and walked out to the living room.
Scratch was still there, and Rainbow—now a much richer shade of blue, with ripples of red running up and down his torso—was sitting on a chair, obviously much improved. Thaddeus was leaning back on the couch, his feet propped up on the beat-up coffee table.
The sun, beating in through the windows, made my eyes water, and I realized that it was midmorning.
“Where's Dapper Dan?” I asked.
Thaddeus smiled. “Even potential suicides have to use the facilities every now and then.”
“Aren't you afraid he might climb out the window?”
Thaddeus shook his head. “Not with eight inches of snow on the ground.
He may be mixed up, but he's not crazy. It takes a long time to freeze to death, and it's been my observation that people who try to overdose usually have an aversion to painful and extended death scenes.” He looked up as the Missing Link entered the room. “What did I tell you?”
“May I pass?” said Dapper Dan patiently.
“Be my guest,” said Thaddeus, swinging his feet off the table to provide the Missing Link with a path to the one empty chair in the room.
“What are you doing here?” I asked Thaddeus.
“I live here,” he said. “Also, I woke up with a hangover you wouldn't believe, and our Billybuck's long and strong suit isn't hangover remedies, so I figured I might as well bite the bullet and sober up the hard way. I thought I'd die before I got halfway here, but by the time I reached the door I was feeling mildly human again. Which, considering our present company, isn't all that bad a thing to be.”
“You're looking better, Rainbow,” I said.
“I am recovering,” he answered. Then he turned to Thaddeus. “If you need me, I can probably be put back on display this afternoon.”
“Forget it,” said Thaddeus. “You'd turn into an icicle before I got you over to the tent. You'll stay here for another day or two. You, too,” he added to Dapper Dan. “That is, if you want to.”
“It makes no difference,” said the Missing Link.
“Jesus, you'd depress a hyena,” said Thaddeus. “Relax. I'm going to be talking deal to Romany again today.”
“Nothing will come of it,” said Dapper Dan morosely.
“Nothing like a little optimism to start the day,” said Thaddeus. “I don't suppose you've ever considered becoming a comedian?”
“We don't have any on my world.”
“Somehow I'm not surprised,” said Thaddeus dryly. He stood up and walked to the door. “I'm going to check on the others. Come on over after you get dressed, Tojo.”
“What about me?” asked Scratch.
“Don't drink all my beer,” said Thaddeus, going out the door.
“Thank you!” Scratch shouted after him, but the door was already closed and I don't think he heard it.
I spent the next few minutes shaving and getting dressed. Then I made my bed, and since Rainbow looked as if he was up for the day, I made his as well. Finally I put my coat and gloves on and walked out into the cold, closing the door as quickly as possible so as not to subject Rainbow to a draft.
The snow had stopped falling sometime during the night, snowplows were clearing the roads, the sun was finally shining, and those few birds that hadn't yet flown south were scouring the grounds in search of food.
Thaddeus had left a trail of deep footprints in the snow, leading directly to the dormitory tent. As I followed them I saw Gloria heading over to the girlie show to start her morning exercises, and we waved to each other. The only other person up and around was the Rigger, who looked for all the world like a poker game in search of a place to happen. He hollered over to me that he was going to the Hothouse in a few minutes and that if any marks showed up early I should send them over, as he would be only too happy to entertain them.
Thaddeus and Mr. Ahasuerus were sitting together at a table when I got to the dormitory tent. The blue man looked up and gave me his somewhat frightening equivalent of a smile of greeting, and Thaddeus gestured me to pull up a chair and join them, which I did after first getting a cup of coffee from Queenie.
“So they really don't have any?” Thaddeus was saying with a look of total disbelief on his face.
Mr. Ahasuerus shook his head. “It seems to be an art form—if that is the proper word for it—that is confined solely to your planet.”
“That's hard to believe.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“Mr. Ahasuerus has just informed me that we have the only strippers in the whole damned galaxy,” said Thaddeus. “Considering how many races seem to be running around your community of worlds, it just seems kind of farfetched to me that they could all be so uninterested in sex.”
“You are confusing sex with titillation,” replied the blue man. “Many of the races don't even wear clothing.”
“That'
s funny,” remarked Thaddeus. “I would have thought all civilized races wore clothes.”
“Most sentient races can control their environments. Those who retain the desire for clothing do so from reasons totally extraneous to protection from the elements: shame, morality, fashion.”
“How about lion tamers?” asked Thaddeus.
“Most of our circuses and carnivals have animal trainers,” replied Mr. Ahasuerus. “Some of them work with animals that are of a magnitude that would make your friend Monk think twice about entering a cage with them.”
“And trick-shot artists?”
“A few,” said the blue man. “But, to be honest, none of them with the skill of Billybuck Dancer. I have often wondered how and where he acquired it.”
“You and me both,” said Thaddeus.
Alvin walked in just then, carrying all our CLOSED signs.
“What do you think you're doing?” demanded Thaddeus.
“The roads are open,” replied Big Alvin.
“I didn't tell you to take those down.”
“But—”
“Put ‘em back up. We're moving out.”
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“I don't know yet. But the weather's too lousy to stay up here any longer.”
Alvin shrugged and went back out to post the signs again.
“Mr. Flint,” said Mr. Ahasuerus. “I feel I must interject a word at this point.”
“Save your breath,” said Thaddeus. “I know what you're going to say.”
“Do you?”
“You're going to tell me that if you don't report to your mother ship in the next seventy-two hours all hell is going to break loose.”
“How did you know that?” asked Mr. Ahasuerus, genuinely surprised.
“Your friend Romany's got a big mouth.”
“Indeed he does,” agreed Mr. Ahasuerus. “That does not, however, negate the truth of what he said.”
“I know,” said Thaddeus.
“What do you propose to do about it?”
“I've been giving the matter a lot of thought. I'll let you know.” He fumbled through his pockets for a cigarette, pulled it out, and lit it. “By the way, Rainbow's up and around.”
“I'm gratified to hear it.”
“And I don't think you have to worry about Dapper Dan killing himself. He's just spent a couple of days thinking about what almost happened to his immortal if somewhat displaced soul.”
“Good.”
“It occurs to me,” remarked Thaddeus, “that you must have one hell of a time nurse-maiding your tourists around the galaxy.”
“Most of them are not hardened travelers,” agreed Mr. Ahasuerus wryly. “Still, it has been a fulfilling job in many ways.”
“How did you come by it?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Your job,” said Thaddeus. “What made you choose it?”
“I was selected.”
“Yeah? What were your qualifications—languages and things like that?”
“That, too,” said Mr. Ahasuerus. “When is Mr. Romany due to return?”
Thaddeus shrugged. “Who knows? Sometime today.”
“What has he offered you already?” asked the blue man.
“Nothing that interests me,” replied Thaddeus. He turned to me. “Tojo, as long as you're just sitting there like a rock, why don't you pass the word that we're breaking down the show and packing it onto the trucks?”
I put my coat back on and went around the grounds, telling Diggs and Monk and anyone else I could find to start taking the carnival apart. Most of them wanted to know where we where going, but even though I couldn't tell them they were all pretty happy with the decision. In their eyes, anywhere was better than Vermont in the snow. (Monk did tell me, though, that if Thaddeus went back up to Maine, he was taking his animals and going to Florida with them.) Thaddeus and Mr. Ahasuerus were still sitting at the table when I got back.
“You didn't see our friend Romany out there, did you?” asked Thaddeus.
“No,” I replied.
“Poor bastard is probably reading the Help Wanted ads,” said Thaddeus with a chuckle.
“Have you decided what you're going to say to him?” asked Mr. Ahasuerus.
“Pretty much,” he said. “Of course, he's got to show up first. Right about now he's probably sitting in his room wondering how he can bribe or blackmail me.”
“Do you really think so?” asked the blue man curiously.
“I can read that son of a bitch like a book,” smiled Thaddeus. “You're the only one I have problems with.”
“Me?” asked Mr. Ahasuerus.
“Don't look so damned innocent. The others all make sense. You don't.”
“In what way?”
“Romany's just a guy who's fighting tooth and nail to hang onto his job.
Dapper Dan's a very confused religious freak. The Lizard would stick a knife in my ribs if I ever turned my back on him. The same with the Sphinx. The rest of them are just chattel, a bunch of tourists out for a holiday. But you—you ought to be ready to kill me, or be so damned scared of me you don't know which way is up.”
“And you find that unusual?” asked Mr. Ahasuerus.
“It's been my experience that the whole damned universe can be divided into meat and meat-eaters. You fall somewhere in between.”
“And this disturbs you?”
“It did,” admitted Thaddeus. “Now it just puzzles me.”
“You asked me a few minutes ago why I was chosen for this position,” said the blue man. He placed a finger on his face. “This is the reason.”
“I'm not sure that I understand you,” said Thaddeus.
“To borrow from your religious teachings, I have two cheeks. The assumption is that if I turn the other one often enough, sooner or later a sentient being will get tired of hitting it and will find some more constructive means of communication.”
Thaddeus stared at him for a very long time. “You're a very unusual man, Mr. Ahasuerus,” he said at last.
“Thank you.”
“Put the two of us together and you might come up with a normal human being.”
“You might indeed,” said the blue man.
“Or at least an interesting one.” Thaddeus stared at him again, seemingly lost in thought. Finally he turned to me. “Tojo, tell the Dancer I need his trailer again.”
“When?” I asked.
“Right now.”
I walked to the door.
“And bring a coat back for Mr. Ahasuerus,” he called after me.
I found the Dancer in the Hothouse. He offered no objection to letting Thaddeus use his trailer, and even loaned me his fur-lined jacket to take back to Mr. Ahasuerus. When I returned to the tent, Thaddeus was on his feet. He took the coat from me and handed it to the blue man.
“We're going over there to talk a little business,” he said. “I don't want to be disturbed.”
“What if Mr. Romany shows up?” I asked.
“I almost forgot about him. All right—when he gets here have him wait in the Hothouse. Then come over and let me know he's on the grounds.”
Then Thaddeus and Mr. Ahasuerus walked out the door and went over to the Dancer's trailer.
“What the hell is going on?” asked Queenie, staring after them.
“I'm not sure,” I told her.
I tried to keep busy around the tent, sweeping the floors and checking on Snoopy and Pumpkin every few minutes. I asked Alvin for the time twice, and when an hour had passed I got so curious that I couldn't keep my mind on my work any longer, so I sat down and thumbed through Thaddeus’ astronomy book and wondered what was happening inside the Dancer's trailer.
Mr. Romany arrived half an hour later, looking very nervous and fidgety.
I ushered him over to the Hothouse, then went to the trailer and knocked on the door.
Thaddeus stuck his head out a minute later. “Yeah?”
“Mr. Romany is here.”
“Tell him to wait.”
The door slammed shut, and I returned to the Hothouse to tell Mr. Romany that Thaddeus wasn't ready to see him yet. The Rigger walked up and offered to take his mind off the waiting with a friendly little game of gin rummy, but Mr. Romany just shook his head and kept drumming his fingers against a support post.
Finally, after another hour had passed, Thaddeus opened the door again and called for me.
“Yes?” I said, walking about halfway to the trailer.
“Send him over now. Then I want you to go to my van and bring me the map I keep in my glove compartment.”
“You keep a lot of maps there,” I said. “Which one do you want?”
He laughed. “Bring ‘em all, you nosy little bastard.”
I escorted Mr. Romany to the trailer, hunted up the maps and returned with them, and then walked over to the dormitory tent. Every now and then I would step outside to see if the meeting had broken up yet, but as night fell over the snow-covered Vermont countryside none of the three had emerged from the Dancer's trailer.
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* * *
Chapter 15
The meeting lasted until almost ten o'clock. Then the three of them—Thaddeus, Mr. Ahasuerus, and Mr. Romany—got into Thaddeus’ van and drove off without a word to anyone.
I went to bed around midnight, and slept very restlessly, which was unusual for me. I woke up at seven, checked the clock by my bed, and went back to sleep for another two hours. Dapper Dan, Rainbow, and Scratch were up and moving around by the time I got my clothes on, and Scratch offered me a cup of hot tea, apologizing for the lack of coffee but explaining that while he could speak the language fluently he still had some difficulties reading it, and that the instructions on the electric coffee maker had been a little beyond him.
I thanked him, took the tea, and walked over to the couch, where I sat down and stared out the window. The van still wasn't back, and I began wondering if it had skidded off some ice-covered Vermont road.
I wasted an hour sitting around the trailer and loafing, and had just decided to go over to the dormitory tent when the big blue-and-white Dodge maxivan pulled up and Thaddeus emerged from it. For a moment I thought he was alone, but then Mr. Ahasuerus and Mr. Romany got out, and all three climbed the four stairs to the trailer door.
