REBUILDING FOREVER

by Natalie J. Damschroder

  A few minutes later, dried off and back in bed, Cassie cuddled against his chest and wished things could always be this easy.

  That wasn't like her. Nothing in her life had ever really been easy, and she knew better than to expect it. Even when she got what she wanted, it usually made things harder.

  But then, she had never been this happy, either.

  She sighed and watched her fingers drifting in a pattern around Seth's belly button. Below that his penis started to lengthen, but she wanted to hash this out before they made love.

  "They weren't dreams," Seth said, apparently thinking along the same lines. His hand covered hers, holding it still.

  "What do you mean?"

  "Memories."

  She jerked back to look at him. "Wha-at?"

  He nodded but looked amazingly sanguine about it. "That night I was dreaming about--the night you left me. I got pretty messed up."

  "You were pretty messed up before I told you I was leaving." It had been part of the reason she'd done it. Her need to escape had been building for a long time, with the band falling apart and hostility from everyone being aimed in her direction, and Seth's focus being entirely on saving Blue Silver or hiding from his fear that he couldn't. He'd been so high that night while he was performing, she couldn't believe he hadn't collapsed on stage.

  "It got worse. Julian was there, and I was...just desperate, I guess, for something to get rid of the pain."

  "So he gave you a blow job?"

  He grimaced and nodded.

  "Did it help?"

  "Dunno. I didn't remember it afterward, so I suppose you could say it did."

  Cassie noticed his erection had reversed itself. He'd been waking up after these memory-dreams ragingly horny, so she assumed his current state meant he was dealing with whatever had caused them to emerge in the first place. But what did "dealing with" entail? Was he...did he want Julian?

  "Where's your head?" she asked quietly.

  "No fucking idea," he responded with cheer.

  She sat up. "What happened today?"

  "I freaked out, Julian did what Julian always does and made everything right, and you came home drunk and ready to boff my best mate if it would make me happy."

  "God, that sounds like a Telemundo soap opera." She pulled her legs under her and leaned her head on her hands, her elbows on her knees. "I thought we were all straightened out. Two months ago, everything was flying along like--"

  "Like an acid trip."

  She glowered at him. "Don't make a joke out of this." He looked more relaxed than she'd seen him in a while, maybe since she agreed to marry him. Nothing made sense. She dropped her hands. "Last time I saw you, you commented that I'd changed."

  "You have." He shifted so he could reach her hair and started fiddling with it.

  "And when you came in today and saw me, you looked terrified."

  He shrugged. "You were wearing a dress. With flowers. And you cut your hair."

  "And that scared you?" She felt a flutter in her chest and wondered if she was about to have an anxiety attack. This is bullshit. She drew in a very slow, very deep breath, then let it out just as slowly. "Are you having second thoughts about marrying me? Like maybe I'm not who you thought I was?"

  "Fuck, no!"

  But he said it too quickly for her taste.

  "Cass, come on." He propped himself up on one elbow. "Yes, you're different. But you were different last year than you were fifteen years ago. I have loved every...single"--he punctuated each word with a kiss on her shoulder--"incarnation...of Cassie Bryant." His arm snaked around her back, and he pulled her down on top of him.

  Half an hour later, Cassie wasn't worried any more.

  * * * *

  Cassie rolled onto her side to capture the warm breeze coming through the open sliding doors. The moon reflected off the water and made everything glow silver. Her blinks became slower and slower, her mind drifting, until a dark figure appeared in the doorway.

  "Jules?" She squinted but couldn't see him any better.

  "Shh." He came into the room, his feet bare and silent on the tile floor. The breeze fluttered his open shirt. He'd changed clothes into something more befitting the islands, she thought, and twisted to watch him go around the bottom of the bed.

  "Where's Georgie?" she murmured. Her brain didn't seem to want to engage, or her body to move from the soft mattress.

  "She's sleeping. She'll be here." He knelt on Seth's side of the bed.

  Something wasn't right about that, but Cassie stopped trying to figure it out when Julian reached out and touched Seth's shoulder.

  "What are you doing?" She started to sit up.

  "Shhh, Cassie, everything's okay. This is what will make him happy."

  The spark of anxiety blinked out. She wanted Seth to be happy. She put her hand on his other shoulder.

  "Seth, mate." Julian didn't shake his friend, but caressed his bare skin. "I'm here."

  "Jules." Seth's voice was something Cassie had never heard before. It was sleepy and satisfied, but had an underlying growl of need. "You came."

  "Not yet, mate, but I will. We all will." He tilted his head up and his eyes glinted at Cassie. She caught her breath and nodded. Her hand roamed over Seth's chest and down his abdomen until the head of his cock nudged her. But Julian's hand beat her there. He circled it, and his hand was massive, covering more than she ever could. She settled for wrapping her thumb and forefinger around the base and cupping the rest of her hand around his balls.

  Seth gave a strangled moan and lifted his hips off the bed. Blood pumped through Cassie, pooling between her legs and making her ache. Above her hand Julian stroked quick and hard, all his attention on Seth's face.

  This was annoyingly unfair. Cassie shifted her body around until she was lying with her torso across Seth's knees and her legs across the bed. Seth immediately reached to touch her, his fingers dipping into her slickness before stroking lightly. That was more like it.

  But now Julian wasn't getting anything. Cassie switched hands on Seth's cock and reached her right hand down to undo Julian's shorts.

  "That's it, love," he breathed. His eyes closed when her hand wrapped around him. It was the strangest sexual experience she'd ever had. Seth's cock in one hand, the shape and texture of him as familiar as her own body. Julian's in the other, different, yet exactly the same in all the important properties.

  Pants and moans filled the room now. Seth slid a finger inside her, then another, and pressed his knuckle to her clit. While Cassie stroked the lower part of Seth's cock, Julian bent and put his mouth over the top, his lips hot and wet whenever they met her hand.

  God, that was a turn-on. Cassie didn't know why, didn't want to analyze it, just wanted to enjoy it. She ground against Seth's hand and quickened her strokes on Julian, who wrapped his fingers around hers and helped her pump himself harder. Seth bowed and tensed, and a moment later shouted as he came. Julian grunted and stroked faster, rising up as Seth finished and dropping his head back.

  Cassie was close, so close, but couldn't quite get there. She pulled her hand out from under Julian's as he moaned his own orgasm and rolled onto her back. Before she could touch herself, Seth lifted up and put his mouth on her.

  And she flew. Raced up to the peak under his tongue, his fingers still moving hard inside her. As she burst apart, Julian's mouth came down on hers, his tongue parting her lips.

  It was the best orgasm she'd ever had.

  It was still beating through her in slow throbs when she woke up.

  * * * *

  "What's the matter?"

  Cassie blinked at Seth, who loomed over her in the darkness. "What?"

  "You cried out. You okay?"

  Holy fuck. It had been a dream. An insane, erotic, amazing, horrifying dream. She inhaled deeply, smelling the water outside and hearing the reassuring suss of tiny waves on the sand.

  Now she had some idea of the shock Seth had felt when this first happened to him.

/>   "Cass?" He laid his hand on her abdomen. "What's wrong, babe?"

  "Nothing," she said automatically, then wondered why. He'd told her about his dreams. It wasn't like she really wanted Julian to come into their bed.

  A gust of wind blew the curtains into her peripheral vision and she started, thinking Jules was standing there. He wasn't, of course, but as soon as she turned away from "his" side of the bed she could hear him, making noises in his throat.

  It was her imagination, she knew it, but that knowledge didn't banish the specter. There was only one way she could think of to eliminate him from her head, if not from Seth's.

  Seth cradled her jaw in his hand now, propped so he could see her face. She slid her arms around his back and tugged until he lowered himself to her. His kiss was soothing, as if he thought she needed gentleness, but gentleness wouldn't cut it. Despite the strength of her orgasm, need began to claw in her. She grabbed Seth's hair in both hands and pulled, kissing him harder, rising up under him in an undulating rhythm, but after a few minutes he was still stuck on tenderness.

  Frustrated, Cassie reached down and stroked his semi-hard dick. Seth chuckled and caught her hand.

  "Don't be greedy, love, we've already done it twice today. I'm getting old, you know."

  "Doesn't matter." She wriggled down the bed and took him into her mouth, using her teeth and tongue and hands and desperate, desperate desire. Seth's arms shook.

  "Jesus, Cass, where did--fuck." He slowly hardened under her hands. "Your mouth can raise the dead."

  "Damned right it can." She pushed until he flipped onto his back, then climbed up his body and impaled herself on his cock.

  Cassie started rocking. Seth caressed her body, his hands making their way up to her chest, where he cupped her gently.

  "Goddamnit, Seth, can't you tell I want it harder than that?" She put her hands over his and squeezed.

  Finally, he got it. His fingers flexed, then pinched. His grip shifted to her hips and he lifted her, then pulled her down hard, raising his pelvis to drive himself deeper.

  It wasn't enough, and they both knew it. Seth moved her off him and got behind her, moving her forward so she could grip the bar at the top of the headboard. He pushed into her again, then wrapped his own hands around the bar next to hers. He surrounded her, despite not being a very big man, and she finally felt her desperation ease. His arms stretched out along hers, his chest pressed against her back, and when he thrust his hips the movements were short and subtle but hit her exactly where she needed.

  Cassie dropped her head back, turning so she could reach his mouth. It restricted their movements more, but she didn't care. She just needed this contact, this grounding, to forget the dream and what she knew, deep down, it represented.

  When she came it was slow and small, but she could feel Seth so deep inside her, smell only him, and for a few minutes, she could believe it would be okay.

  * * * *

  "Tell me I'm not fucking insane."

  "You're not fucking insane." Julian didn't look away from the full-length mirror. He eyed the hem of his linen trousers draped over his bare feet, then rolled the cuff of one loose sleeve, posed, and unrolled it. When he unfastened, then refastened the button in the center of his chest, Seth yanked him away from the mirror.

  "I'm the one getting married, asshole. It doesn't matter how you look."

  Julian cocked an eyebrow at him. "If you're going to look like that, I need to draw everyone's attention by being fabulous."

  Seth glared at him. He didn't need to check the mirror to know he looked like he'd been on a bender last night. He'd had his hands in his hair so much it likely looked like a shrubbery. He hadn't bothered doing up the buttons on his shirt yet, and his pacing had caused fine sand to dust the bottoms of his cuffs.

  Julian stopped Seth's pacing and started working on his shirt. "What's eating you? It's not the sex thing still. We straightened that out."

  Seth started to drive his hand through his hair again, but Julian yanked his arm down and buttoned the last two buttons.

  "We did, yeah, but I don't think that was the problem. Not really. I mean, something caused me to have those dreams. If it's not you, it's got to be something else. Like my subconscious telling me I shouldn't be marrying her again."

  Julian rolled his eyes. "For fuck's sake, Seth, you're doing the right thing. You know you are. You're half the man apart from her than you are with her. You're just terrified you're going to lose her again. You're not."

  The flap of the tent that had been set up on the beach was pulled aside, and Brad and Robert pushed their way in, followed by Troy.

  "Yoko's finally doin' you in for good, I see."

  "Troy!" Seth clapped him on the back and Julian hugged him. Seth eyed Blue Silver's original drummer, who looked fit and tanned. "Spending a lot of time on the water?"

  "As much as I can. Congratulations, mate." He squeezed the back of Seth's neck. "It's great to see you finally happy."

  Julian snorted, and Troy looked at him. "He's not happy?"

  "Only if you call being in total meltdown happy. He's--" For a second Seth thought he was going to tell them about the dream. But he only said, "He's pissing his pants in fear."

  The others laughed, except Robert. "I just saw Cassie. She's glowing, and she told me to come in here and do anything I had to do to calm you down and make you understand it will be fine."

  Seth knew what she meant by "anything," and shuddered. "Not the green goo."

  "Especially the green goo." Robert was notorious for his health regimen. Hey, it worked for him, but... Seth figured it was working for him, too, just by making him want to avoid it.

  "Am I going to fuck this up?"

  "No," chorused his four friends, and Seth didn't know why, but he finally believed them.

  * * * *

  "Thank God you're not doing the ugly dress thing."

  Cassie whirled at the acerbic tone, and grinned. "Arliss. You made it."

  Her old friend and former Silverette came into the bride's tent. "Wouldn't miss it. Gave me an excuse to get away from that bastard Thompson for a few days. Plus, you know--Caribbean!"

  Cassie laughed. Arliss hadn't changed, not much, anyway. She looked calmer, less likely to jump into a rage, and Cassie knew that was Robert's ongoing influence. But she had retained the snark that defined her. "I'm glad you're here," she said.

  Arliss smiled a little. "Thanks for inviting me." She glanced around the tent. "Where are the others?"

  "Georgie went to get me a bottle of water because my throat is empathizing with the sand out there. I haven't seen Faith and Marci, yet." Because they wanted small and intimate without all the fuss of a typical ceremony, only Georgie and Julian were standing up for them. If she had to guess, Cassie figured the others were at the bar, waiting.

  "Well, I guess I'd better get out there. It's close to time." Arliss paused at the tent flap and eyed Cassie's sarong. "Nice choice. Suits you, somehow." She herself wore a shortish, flirty skirt and lace-trimmed camisole. Cassie decided not to comment on the look, so very much not the Arliss she knew. But she seemed more comfortable in her own skin, and hence her clothes.

  "Thanks," she said. "I'm glad you're here."

  "Me, too." With a grin, she left.

  And Cassie was once again abandoned to her freakin' thoughts.

  She hadn't told Seth about the dream. Hadn't wanted to drag out their mutual anxiety--especially his--on their wedding day. But she was having a hard time thinking about anything else. Every time Georgie mentioned Julian's name, she flashed back to her hand on his dick, his mouth around Seth, and wondered if there truly was a triangle here that she should get out of.

  "Okay, I've got passionfruit-flavored carbonated," Georgie started reciting before she was even inside the tent, "mango uncarbonated, pineapple protein--"

  "Just give me a fucking bottle of plain water." Cassie snatched one out of Georgie's arms and twisted the cap off ferociously.

 
; "Geez, help a friend." She saw Cassie's expression and stopped griping. "What's wrong?"

  "Nothing." Cassie shook her hand with the cap loosely trapped inside her fingers, trying to release her nervous energy. She took another swig of water, but this one was hard to swallow. "I just--I think this is probably a mistake."

  "Fuck that." Georgie plopped her sarong-wrapped behind on the table in the center of the tent, narrowly missing Cassie's small bouquet. "What the hell?"

  "We're having problems and it seems like our subconsciouses are trying to stop us from doing this."

  Georgie frowned. "This isn't like you."

  "I've changed, as Seth keeps pointing out to me."

  "We all change. But you're being downright neurotic." She spread her hands. "What relationship doesn't have problems? You can't drop out of every one that does."

  "So says the woman who won't have one at all," Cassie accused.

  Georgie waved that off. "That's over. Julian's moving to Harrisburg."

  Cassie's mouth fell open. "What?"

  "Well, temporarily. We need to decide where to make home base. I think he'd like to be closer to Amie. But that's irrelevant. What's going on with you and Seth?"

  Seth was going to kill her if he found out she'd told Georgie about his dreams, but she did anyway. And her own, making sure to be out of her friend's reach when she did. But when she was done, Georgie burst out laughing.

  "Really? All three of you?" She laughed harder. "I can't believe you didn't bring me into it."

  "It wasn't about you."

  "I don't mean in the dream. I mean in real life. Oh, God, Julian with his mouth!" She clutched her sides and bent forward. "I would so have loved to see that!"

  "Knock it off." Cassie turned away from her "friend" and checked her hair in the mirror. Since she'd gone with a careless updo, it looked fine and would continue to look fine even if winds hit mach three. Her minimal makeup and tightly wrapped sarong were similarly fine. A glance at the watch on her wrist told her she had five minutes to make a decision.

  Georgie calmed herself and slid off the table. "Cass, come on. You can't seriously be concerned about this."