“What do you want from me?”
“To help you, that’s all. Come with me, there’s something you must see.”
Norman felt there was something magical about the woman, just as he had in the bar when he met her. What he failed to understand was whether it was something good or not. Her ambiguity made her seem translucent, and it was impossible to read those eyes whose curious glassiness was so marvelous that he only wanted to stare, without asking more, without needing to understand why. He stood motionless for a moment, but he was defenseless against her powers of persuasion. He followed her, guided by his brain, but not his will. He suddenly realized he was no longer angry. All he wanted to do was to go with her, as if she were his guardian angel, capable of freeing him from all evils. And the strange thing was that he no longer sensed evil. It was as if he were hypnotized, drugged by her beauty and the irresistible desire to ravish her. His reason tried to stop him, replaying the images that had caused him to flee from the unlit basement of a bar, and thrust him into a dimension created from a darkness far more terrible than the simple lack of light. But his fantasies were leading him to the same point he had reached before madness had seized the woman’s mind. As he walked beside her, he imagined her naked. He wanted her, he desired her. More than anything he had ever desired in his life. More than the money he was dragging around, which he would gladly have given in exchange for her love.
“Where are you taking me?”
“Where your dreams have been asking you to go for a long time.”
They came to a halt beside a black limousine. Daisy opened the door and asked him to get in.
“Why should I trust you? You’ve already tried to take me for a ride once today. Give me one good reason why I should get into this car.”
“I’ll give you two, Mr. Lae.”
The voice from inside the car answered before the woman had time to open her mouth. Norman was caught off guard once more. He bent down to see whether he was hallucinating or whether a real person had spoken. A man wearing dark glasses and a smart suit greeted him politely.
“The first is that you have no option if you want to succeed. The second is to do with understanding what happened to you this morning. But you can always back out. You have the right to choose. Whatever your fate will be depends entirely on you, Mr. Lae.”
The voice was familiar. Although Norman couldn’t remember ever seeing the man, his instinct told him they had met before; a strange tingling coursed through his body. He didn’t know why, but he had the feeling he should trust the man. He clambered into the back and sank into the seat. He had never traveled in a car like that, but his first impression was one of total control. Daisy slammed the door and slid behind the wheel, and they set off. The atmosphere was so cordial and familiar that Norman forgot his initial skepticism. He focused on the man and remembered the shades.
“You were in the bar this morning! You asked me to follow you and then you disappeared. Now I recall. So it was you who sent that woman. Will you tell me who’s hiding behind those dark glasses?”
“Forgive the rudeness. I’m the only thing that counts.”
“Ah. So you’ve read my book too, but I don’t think love wears clothes and shades.”
“What you think of me is irrelevant. I’m here to help you.”
“Seems you’re all really keen to be good Samaritans today. Help me do what?”
“Find your way for a start.”
“I didn’t know I was lost.”
“If you knew, you probably wouldn’t be in this pickle. You’d be enjoying life instead of chasing after it.”
“I don’t even know why I’m here. Tell me who you are and what you want from me, or stop the car and let me go on my way.”
The man let out a peal of laughter that riddled the car with sarcasm.
“What’s so funny?”
“I was laughing because you’re itching to find out what I have to offer, but you act as if you don’t want to know. I have to admit the paradox is rather comical. In any case, you’ve already made your choice. You’re holding a cartload of money to make a new life for yourself, but you decided to go looking for something you can’t understand. You’re aware of that at least, aren’t you?”
“How do you ...? Just a minute. Are you the one who sent me this money? Why?”
“You’re completely off track. I don’t measure a man’s greatness by his money.”
“Don’t you? What do you measure it by then?”
“Do you believe in fate, Mr. Lae?”
“Fate is a lonely man who seeks comfort in the lives of others and enjoys changing the goalposts. He’s a prick!”
The burst of laughter was so raucous this time that the man opposite him almost choked.
“You’re a very amusing man, did you know? I should introduce you to an old friend of mine. They call her sadness. You might be able to get her to change her job.”
“Look! Patience is not one of my virtues. I’ve had a very trying day today.”
“Ah. Patience. If you knew her, you’d show more respect.”
The man threw him a piercing look. He could cut to the quick even through his glasses and inspire a certain awe, though his countenance was pleasing. It occurred to Norman that in different circumstances, he might be worth getting to know.
“You need to meet someone.”
“Who is it?”
“You’ll see. You’ll like him. Only a little while longer. Or has time got such a hold on you that you can’t even take a little for yourself?”
“Does Daisy work for you? What does she do? Kill for fun and then drive you around?”
“She’s lovely, isn’t she? I can read it in your eyes. Ah! If you only knew what a man’s eyes reveal. Did you know that fate looks individuals in the eye to worm out their secrets before it amuses itself by changing their lives?”
The phone rang. The man pulled it from his pocket and murmured a simple “yes” to a question that warranted only a one-syllable answer.
“We’re here. Get out of the car and walk towards the trees over there. On the other side of the fence, in the park, is the person you’re looking for.”
Norman was a little bemused by the instructions, but had no strength left to argue.
“Will he help me?” he managed to ask.
“More than you think.”
Before he climbed out, Norman asked him a final question.
“Shall I see you again?”
“Let’s leave that up to fate. Maybe it’s not such a prick as you think.”
Chapter 18
The car sped away and Norman was left alone with autumn leaves floating down around him, almost as a sign of welcome. He glanced around but saw no one. The surreal quiet was disturbed only by thoughts that showed him the doubts they had created and added to the number accumulated that morning. Fatigue overwhelmed him. He should have been in his office, lounging comfortably in his chair in a boring meeting that would have lasted until lunch-time; the day’s menu would have tempted him with pasta in a salmon sauce, one of his favorite dishes. Instead, he was in a strange place looking for something he found impossible to understand, heading for an appointment with someone he had never met.
The weight of the case dragged on his arm. The longing to flee and leave everything up in the air closed in on him again; he had all he needed in his hand. No more stress, no more responsibility, no nothing. His mind could be freed and re-set, ready to start over, like a computer infected by a virus. But reason stopped him. He would ponder that moment for his whole life. He was intelligent, perhaps too intelligent not to acknowledge that fact. ‘Get a move on, Norman. Find your peace and you’ll be able to leave. Tomorrow you’ll be a free man.’
So, he steeled himself. He was fond of telling anecdotes that masked the real reason behind his choices. But deep down, he knew that what he was looking for went beyond freedom. No man can survive without curiosity and the urge to satisfy it. No one can give that up. It is like a d
rug, and without it, life is just a blank page that fate can write nothing on. He sucked in the day’s fresh air and tried to relax, but circumstances stymied him. He noticed a figure standing beside a tree at the end of the park, watching him. As he approached, his uncertainty melted away and his mind filled with other, more compelling questions. A few short steps away, Norman recognized the elderly person smiling at him, and he rushed to embrace him.
“Dad? What on earth are you doing here?”
“Hello son, how are you doing?”
“How did you know I’d be coming here?”
“I was waiting for you.”
“How come? Do you know the man who brought me here? Do you work for him?”
“I wouldn’t call it a job as such. I spend my time trying to make the world I live in a better place.”
“It’s a hobby with no future, you know that?”
“The future depends on the choices we make now, so it’s up to us. Your comment is only half right.”
“Dad? Will you tell me what I’m doing here?”
“I want you to meet someone. Come with me, he’s expecting you. I’ve told him a lot about you and I think the time has come for him to meet you.”
They had not strolled very far when the old man pointed to a small boy about a hundred yards away, who was playing with a few dry twigs and chasing the sound of the birds that seemed to be speaking to him.
“Norman, that’s your son... his name’s Will.”
Norman started. Disbelief overwhelmed his racing heart, sending waves of adrenalin to his brain to deny the truth of the statement. A shiver ran down his back; the echo of those words thundered in his head and he could hear nothing else. A moment later, he made his way back from the abstract trip he had just made. His father’s voice showed him the way.
“Son! Norman! Are you all right?”
Norman focused on the man he knew so well, who seemed a perfect stranger in that instant. His eyes were filled with anguish and joy. The news was too outlandish to penetrate his son’s eyes and heart.
“Norman, look at me. Norman!”
“Can you say that again, please?”
“Your son, Norman. My grandson. And he’s dying to meet you. I think the time’s right.”
“But how can he be my son? Julia didn’t say anything to me. I’ve lived with her for years, but I never noticed anything strange. Dad, what’s going on? Please, help me to understand!”
Jonathan hugged him tightly, recalling the times it had cheered him as a child, consoling him when he was distraught.
“It’s all right, son. Julia was always afraid. She came to me for protection and comfort. You haven’t been there for her lately. You were so self-absorbed that you wouldn’t have noticed if another person had taken her place.”
“What are you talking about? Julia’s a prostitute!”
“She felt lost. You can’t blame her for the choices she was forced to make and live with. Whatever she did and is still doing is for the good of a child who needs all the love he can get.”
“But why didn’t she tell me? What have I done to deserve all this indifference?”
“If you could only look inside yourself for once in your life, you’d see what you’ve become. You’ve spent your whole life chasing dreams that have deprived you of everything you loved.”
“What do you mean? Which dreams?”
“Not even a blind man could answer that question, because his senses would stop him from making the choices you’ve made. But I’m not here to criticize you. Everyone must answer for his or her actions one day. I can’t take you back to the path you’ve left; I can only show it to you. It’s there, right in front of you. All you have to do is go and talk to him and everything will work out fine.”
Tears rolled down Norman’s cheeks, but he was frozen to the spot and unable to respond to his father’s incomprehensible words. It felt as if he were living a nightmare, incapable of understanding the fears that held him in thrall, trapped by the desire to know what was happening around him. Jonathan gazed at him, his expression full of pride as he spoke. It sounded as if he wanted to help, but without explaining which sickness and wrongs Norman was guilty of. His past and all that had happened to him that morning flashed through his mind. He recalled leaving Julia asleep in bed and hurrying out to go to work as usual. He remembered not speaking to her the evening before. They had gone to the cinema and then to a restaurant, but his attention had been riveted on her friend whose ice-blue eyes had stared at him knowingly. On the way home, they had listened to the voice of a perfect stranger on the car radio, exhorting listeners to forget the sorrows in their lives and enjoy the music, although it was too deafening to listen to. When they got home, she had gone into the bathroom and he had dropped off to sleep in front of the television as it broadcast pictures of a distant place, where life was one long rave-up. He remembered nothing else. The previous night, Julia had come home after he had gone to bed. And the night before that.
Suddenly, Norman’s mind was flooded with all the misery that awareness brings. In truth, he had not spoken to Julia for a long time, perhaps too long. They had touched on nothing but the weather and work for months; he had avoided even looking at her for months. His sole means of communication with her had been through the poems he stole from time and wrote every morning, leaving a piece of his life on the kitchen table without giving it to her in person. And now he realized how much he missed her. More than the earth misses the sun; more than life misses water. He missed her embraces, how they eased the doubts and uncertainties that illusions fuel. He missed the look in her eyes, where he took refuge to make time stop, begging it to come and lose itself too in her amazing beauty. He missed the times he gave himself up to her gentleness and let himself be pampered in a sea of love deep enough to drown in, heedless of whether or not he would ever come up for air again, content with life, asking nothing more.
“How old is he?”
“Ten. He’s a lovely lad, intelligent and inquisitive. Just like his father at that age. Go over to him, go on.”
Norman hesitated. He found it difficult enough to converse with a stranger of his own age, let alone a ten-year-old child. And it was the son he had never met to boot. He looked at his father for help, like a drowning man clutches a straw.
“Go on, son. He won’t bite you. I’ve told him all about you. He can’t wait to meet you.”
He nudged Norman forward, hoping to inspire a little serenity and trust. Norman’s legs trembled as if he were again the boy at school being tested in front of the whole class. His fear of looking a fool had lasted until university. He thought he had overcome it, but fear never dies unless it is tackled head on; his solution had always been to turn tail. And now it had found him, it was demanding revenge. It took him endless minutes to approach Will. When he was close enough to touch him, he came to a halt and searched his vocabulary for a suitable greeting.
“Hello, my name’s Norman.”
The circumstances mocked him, and so did the child.
“I’m Will. Are you my Daddy?”
Shame erupted like a soldier eager to put an end to war. He felt so awkward he wanted the ground to swallow him. Then he understood that Will was ill at ease too, and acted the way any normal person his age would with children, trying to instill peace of mind in one who needed it.
“Yes. I’m your Daddy. What are you doing?”
“I’m listening to nature. It’s got so many things to tell you. Do you listen to it?”
“Sometimes.”
“And what does it tell you?”
“That it would like to meet children like you. What does it tell you?”
“That there are loads of sad people that need its help, but they deny it.”
“Do you know many?”
“I feel them. I don’t have to know a person to see whether he’s sad or happy. It’s enough to look at someone.”
“Really? And what do you think of me?”
“I think
you’re spending your time looking for something. As if you’re afraid to live.”
“What? What do you mean “afraid to live”?”
“You run away from everything around you, chasing your dreams.”
“And how do you know all these things? Did your Grandpa tell you?”
“No. Grandpa didn’t tell me much about you. He always says a person can’t be told like a story, you have to get to know him.”
“Right. Grandpa always was the wise one in the family.”
“He told me you’re good at writing poems that go to people’s hearts. I write poems as well, you know.”
“Do you now.”
“Yes. Do you want to hear one?”
“Sure.”
Norman sat on a bench, his son standing beside him, rummaging in his pockets for the verses he had painstakingly written for the occasion. Norman felt emotion permeating the air from a small but wonderful heart. He had his mother’s eyes, gentle and intense like the sea under the glow of the moon; it was enough to make him believe it was his son. He was surprised to realize he wasn’t interested in looking into his true paternity; there was something about the child that created a stronger bond between them than he could ever have imagined possible, even though his reason inclined him to doubt something before assimilating it. That morning had been too bizaare to be able to digest everything at once and, like everyone else, he needed time to overcome even the smallest hesitation.
Will unfolded the sheet of paper in his hand and began to read with a tremor in his voice.
“Dawn woke me this morning and told me I’d be happy. In exchange, it asked me only to repay its gift, mixing a little love with the wish to meet you...”
Silence fell in all its glory. Norman was deeply moved. He could hardly have written it better himself. He remembered how his ten-year-old self had only wanted to play with his friends and how he had spent his time watching them chase a ball as he sat on a bench waiting for an angel to tell him he could join them. Will’s face turned red with embarrassment.
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