HOW TO BE A MASTER OF DISGUISE
Most people think that a master of disguise needs a vast collection of wigs, masks, false teeth, and makeup. If you have the time, money, and talent to acquire such a collection, I won’t counsel you against it. However, the essential tools of a master of disguise are already in most people’s closets. Just follow these simple guidelines, and you may find there’s no need to waste your money on fake noses or prosthetic chins.
Look as Bland as You Can
The most common mistake when donning a disguise is to make yourself appear too conspicuous. Bright red lipstick, platinum wigs, and tacky sunglasses are all no-no’s unless you’re trying to blend in at a Las Vegas casino. The last thing a true master of disguise wants to do is turn people’s heads.
Camouflage Your Most Distinctive Features
We all have certain features that make us unique. Perhaps you have gorgeous brown eyes, curly hair, rosy cheeks, and a huge nose. If you’re going incognito, you’ll want to start by disguising these traits. A clunky, unattractive pair of nonprescription glasses can divert attention from both your eyes and nose, and some drab foundation makeup can hide your beautiful complexion. Take a few minutes to straighten your hair, and you may not recognize yourself!
Change the Shape of Your Body
Although your face is what people will remember most clearly, they can also identify you by the shape of your body. If you’re curvy, choose clothing that doesn’t emphasize the fact. If you’re skinny, a little extra padding here and there can transform you into a whole new person. (Although avoid giving yourself an ample bosom, or you run the risk of breaking rule #1.) You can also use shoes to change your height. Opt for platforms if you’re short, flats if you’re tall.
Don’t Wear Your Own Clothing
People will recognize that pretty blue sweater you wear all the time before they even have a chance to see your face. Leave it at home and spend a few dollars at your local Goodwill store. Choose clothing that you wouldn’t ordinarily wear. Stay away from clothes that are brightly colored or clearly belong to your grandmother.
Take Advantage of a Uniform
Your friendly neighborhood thrift store should be packed to the rafters with discarded uniforms of all varieties. Choose wisely, and you may have the perfect disguise. Uniforms by nature are meant to hide one’s individuality. (Think about it. A man in a brown uniform comes to your door. Do you say, “There’s a guy with blond hair, green eyes, and a pug nose outside” or “Hey, it’s the UPS man”?)
Choose a uniform that’s appropriate to your age and setting. If you’re young, a nurse’s uniform may look a bit strange, but a school uniform could work nicely.
A Few More Tricks and Suggestions
Now that you know the basic rules, here are a few simple suggestions:
• Avoid letting people look you in the eyes. If they do, you’re more likely to be remembered.
• Try wearing multiple layers of clothing. Shed a layer every now and then so your disguise will remain fresh. Carry a large handbag, and use it to carry the clothing you’ve removed.
• Don’t dye your hair—you’ll just destroy it. Instead, experiment with different hairstyles or wigs.
• Place a couple of cotton balls in either cheek. You’ll look puffy and your face will have a different shape. A piece of cardboard hidden under your tongue can change the sound of your voice.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Curiouser and Curiouser
The sun had only just set by the time Kiki Strike turned the key to the gates of the Marble Cemetery, but once we were inside, it might as well have been midnight. The moon was missing from the sky, and our only light came from the buildings beyond the cemetery walls. We could see the faint outlines of trees and the glow of the marble slabs set into the grass, but we could barely see one another. In our black uniforms, we blended into the shadows, all but invisible to human eyes.
“Here.” Kiki’s voice cut through the silence. She had located the right slab. Guided by her white hair, which shone like a beacon in the darkness, we gathered around her. Silently, six crowbars dug beneath the edge of the slab. “Now,” ordered Kiki. We each pulled back on our crowbars, and the slab rose above the ground. A foul, musty odor issued from the hole, and I heard one of the girls gagging.
“I didn’t know it was going to smell like that,” someone whispered.
“What do you expect? It’s a grave. The people who live here don’t care what it smells like,” someone else quipped.
“Shh,” said Kiki. “It’s time. I’ll go first.”
She turned on a flashlight and illuminated a narrow stairway that led into the ground. The Irregulars followed single file behind her down the stairs. I had been assigned the job of making the map of the Shadow City, so I kept an eye on my glow-in-the-dark compass, and used a pedometer to measure the distance we traveled. At the bottom of the stairs, we found ourselves in a cramped marble corridor. Once we were safely out of view, we flipped the switches on our miner’s hats. The vault was suddenly as bright as day, and the unflattering light hollowed our eyes and washed out our skin, making us appear pale and cadaverlike. Only Kiki’s naturally bloodless complexion remained unchanged.
“The entrance to the Shadow City should be at the end of the hall,” Kiki announced, leading the way. The spikes on the bottoms of our fly-fishing boots clicked softly against the marble floor. As we walked, we passed a dozen small rooms, each furnished with a sarcophagus and decorated with piles of long-dead flowers. The graves hadn’t been visited for more than a century, and it seemed to me that the dead preferred their own company. We were trespassing on sacred territory—going where we weren’t wanted and didn’t belong. I couldn’t help but find it thrilling …at first.
Then, as I paused in front of one of the rooms to check my compass and make a quick sketch, I thought I sensed movement. I aimed my light into the darkness and saw two sets of wild and beady eyes peeking through a cemetery wreath. They appraised us for a moment before they vanished from sight. But as the Irregulars marched toward the empty tomb of Augustus Quacken-bush, I knew we were still being watched. Something was hiding amongst the graves.
At the end of the hall, we reached a chamber identical to all the others, save for the absence of flowers and wreaths. The Irregulars crowded inside.
“Well, hello, Augustus,” said Oona, slapping the side of the coffin and speaking a bit too loudly. Her voice echoed throughout the vault. Kiki put a finger to her lips.
“Where’s the tunnel?” Betty whispered.
“In there, I think.” Kiki pointed at the marble coffin, which was covered with delicately carved images. When I bent to examine the carvings, I saw that they told the story of Theseus and the Minotaur. A fearsome monster—half human, half bull—lay in wait for a young man who was making his way through a labyrinth. I felt goose bumps sprouting up and down my arms.
DeeDee regarded the coffin nervously. “Are you absolutely sure there’s no one in there?”
“I guess we’ll find out, won’t we?” said Kiki. “Maybe we should make you have the first look.” It was then that I began to wonder if our leader had a bit of a mean streak.
Together, we pried the heavy lid off Augustus Quack-enbush’s sarcophagus. Peering over the side, we saw that the coffin was not only empty, it had no bottom. A ladder descended into the darkness.
“Wow,” whispered Betty.
“Don’t be so easily impressed,” Kiki scolded her. “You haven’t seen anything.”
“How far down are we going?” asked Oona.
“At least fifty more feet,” I told her.
One by one, each of the girls climbed down the ladder, the lights on their miner’s hats flickering and fading as they neared the bottom. At last we arrived in a crude tunnel dug out of the earth. Two bolts of cloth, remnants of Augustus Quackenbush’s misadventures, leaned against one wall. As we waited for Luz to reach the bottom, Betty brushed the dirt from one, revealing a swatch of
bright red silk.
“This is nice stuff,” she said, taking off her glove to caress the fabric. “Did you know this red dye is made from crushed beetles?”
None of the other girls paid her any attention. They were all gazing in wonder at the tunnel before them.
“Amazing, isn’t it?” said Kiki. “And this isn’t even the Shadow City.”
“It’s not?” asked Luz as she jumped off the ladder. Kiki and I laughed.
“Just wait,” Kiki told her. “You’re in for quite a treat.”
We followed Augustus Quackenbush’s tunnel downhill, deeper and deeper into the earth. Tree roots poked their withered tentacles through the ceiling, and sections of the walls had crumbled away.
“This doesn’t seem very safe,” said DeeDee after a tree root knocked her hat to the ground.
“Maybe not, but if you’re that clumsy, I’m surprised your parents let you cross the street by yourself,” said Kiki.
“Good point,” admitted DeeDee as she stooped to retrieve her hat.
We traveled for several minutes through the treacherous tunnel until we reached a wooden door.
“This is it,” said Kiki. My hands were shaking with excitement, and I found myself reaching out to turn the knob. The door wouldn’t budge, and it was only then that I noticed four different locks lined up along its side.
“Allow me, ladies,” said Oona, reaching into her pocket and fishing out a lock-picking packet.
“What about your precious nails?” Luz teased.
“I’d say this is worth the price of a manicure,” Oona replied, kneeling in front of the locks. As she worked, we heard a peculiar whooshing. It was as if a powerful wind were converging on us from every direction, though the atmosphere remained still and stale. We looked about in bewilderment. The noise abruptly stopped the moment Oona sprang the last lock.
“Since I opened the door, I get to be the first inside,” insisted Oona, standing and twisting the doorknob. She stepped through the door and disappeared into the Shadow City.
Not a second later, a scream of pure terror bounced off the walls. It wasn’t the reaction any of us had expected. We hurried to Oona’s aid only to see both sides of the tunnel rushing toward us. Suddenly everything was quiet. Thousands upon thousands of enormous rats stood before us, all perched on their hind legs like a miniature army. They had known we were coming, and I could have sworn I saw one licking its lips.
We shared one loud scream before the rats charged, clambering up our legs and chewing on our uniforms. If it hadn’t been for Betty’s wise choice of fabrics, I’m sure we would have been consumed in seconds.
“Stay still,” ordered Kiki, ignoring the large rat that had climbed on top of her head. She withdrew her Reverse Pied Piper and held it to her lips. As she blew into it, the army of rats froze and issued an ear-shattering shriek. The fat one nibbling at Kiki’s hat tumbled to the ground and raced to join his comrades, who were stampeding away from the noise like a herd of monstrous lemmings.
Within seconds, the tunnel was practically rat-free. Only a handful of scruffy beasts remained. Somehow, the Reverse Pied Piper hadn’t bothered them at all. A dozen beady eyes glared up at us, as if the last six survivors were willing to fight to the death. But when Kiki kicked a small rock in their direction, their courage deserted them. The last of the rodents fled the tunnel.
Once they were gone, we straightened our hair and checked ourselves for bites. None of us had been seriously harmed, though Luz’s cheek bore a nasty scratch.
“That worked rather well,” said a pleased and perfectly composed Kiki. She stretched her arms wide, like a tour guide at the Grand Canyon. “Welcome to the Shadow City.”
For the first time, we were able to take a good look at our surroundings. Unlike the tunnel I had found, this section of the Shadow City was stone-lined and arched, resembling illustrations I had seen of ancient Roman sewers. From where I stood, I spied three closed doors, along with the rat-picked skeleton of a small dog. Water dripped from between the stones and bled down the sides of the walls. The air was cool and damp.
“Where should we start?” I wondered out loud. Both ends of the tunnel stretched as far as I could see. Suddenly struck by the size of the Shadow City, I realized that mapping it would be no simple task.
“How about at the beginning?” Kiki marched over to the nearest door. She twisted the handle and found it unlocked. We followed as she hopped up a short set of stairs and into a room the size of a school auditorium. The floor was lined with rough wooden planks that would have been at home in any barn, but the walls were painted a beautiful blue. The ceiling, where it hadn’t collapsed and fallen to the ground, was decorated with scenes of women dancing, and a dusty chandelier dangled above our heads. In one corner of the room sat a bar, and wooden tables circled a dance floor. A woman’s satin shoe lay in the center of the floor as if waiting for its owner to return to retrieve it.
“Where are we?” asked DeeDee.
“I think it’s a dance hall.” I consulted my compass and the map I had been sketching since we first entered the vault in the Marble Cemetery. “We’re under Broadway.”
“A dance hall?” Luz asked.
“They were places where people could go to drink and party.”
“But why would anyone build a dance hall seventy feet underground?” Oona wondered.
“Why not?” Kiki answered. “At least there weren’t any neighbors around to complain about the noise.”
Like delinquents set loose in a deserted amusement park, the Irregulars fanned out in every direction to explore the ballroom. Luz and Oona performed a mad jig around the forgotten shoe, the beams of light from their hats casting crazy spotlights about the room. DeeDee was opening bottles behind the bar, smelling their contents and taking samples for later study, while Betty examined the costumes of the women on the ceiling. Only Kiki seemed unimpressed.
“This is a dead end,” she noted with disappointment as we stood watching the others.
“No exits to above,” I agreed. “But it’s still pretty amazing.”
“It’s not what we came here to find,” she said. “Let’s go,” she called out to the others.
The Irregulars began to slowly regroup, but DeeDee was hesitant to leave.
“Just a few more minutes?” she pleaded, holding up a miniature test tube that she had filled with a fuchsia liquid. “There’s some interesting stuff in these bottles.”
“We’re not down here on a field trip, DeeDee,” Kiki said hotly. “If you want to play scientist once we’ve finished making our map, go right ahead. But in case you’ve forgotten, we’re here to find all the entrances and take control of the Shadow City. Now, what do you say we go do it?”
Without further discussion, Kiki stomped out of the room. The rest of us followed silently as she headed down a tunnel that my compass informed me snaked to the south.
• • •
Though I tried not to show it, I dreaded leaving the cheerful dance hall. Even with the rats vanquished, I hadn’t been able to shake the sensation that we were not alone. The feeling slithered over my skin and bored itself into my brain. Every time I paused to plot our path on the map, I could feel the darkness trailing close behind me. Somehow I knew that if I spun around, I would catch a glimpse of the people who had spent their lives in the gloom. In my imagination, I could see the spotlight of my miner’s hat capturing a set of hardened eyes, a featureless face, or the twirl of a ghostly dress. I tried not to make too much of the images that flashed through my mind, but there was one thing I knew for certain. At least some of the people who had called the Shadow City home had never left. They were still down there, waiting for someone to stop by for a visit.
My excitement at exploring the Shadow City had turned to fear. Whenever Kiki rounded a corner or stepped through a door, I held my breath. And every time we opened a door to find nothing but a brick wall or packed earth, I sighed with relief. But while we found many dead ends, there were far
more doors that swung open and beckoned us into the darkness they had long guarded. As I nervously stepped out of the tunnel and into one of the Shadow City’s gloomy chambers, I saw Kiki watching me out of the corner of her eye. Her nose twitched, and I wondered if she could smell my terror.
Within four hours, we had discovered three saloons, a gambling parlor, a room crammed with barrels of gunpowder, and an elegant boudoir furnished with a wardrobe packed with delicately ruffled dresses tailored to fit a monstrously large woman. In the back of the wardrobe, hidden behind all the lace and tulle, was an escape tunnel that circled back to another part of the city. What function that particular chamber had served was anyone’s guess, but there seemed to be at least one room devoted to every kind of mischief. With the exception of sunlight, everything a hard-living villain might have needed or desired could be found in the Shadow City. It was a carnival for criminals.
Hidden in the darkness seventy feet below the surface, the people of the Shadow City must have believed that their fun would never end. But before the night was over, the Irregulars would discover the terrible price they had paid for their pleasure.
• • •
In the early-morning hours, Betty called our attention to a door that was padlocked from the outside and marked with a hastily painted red cross. Above the cross, the word MERCY had been scrawled in an unsteady hand. As usual, Oona insisted on being the first inside. She picked the lock and aimed her light into the room.
“I think I know what happened to the people who used to hang out down here,” she said, her voice lacking any of its usual sarcasm.
The room was crammed with so many teetering bunk beds that it resembled a giant set of monkey bars. To our horror, none of the beds were empty. Each held at least one skeleton, some of them three or more. Leg bones dangled between wooden slats. A long blond braid, miraculously preserved, clung to the skull of a woman dressed in the bright red costume of a dance hall girl. Her fleshless arm reached out to us.
Inside the Shadow City Page 10
