A dream. It had only been a dream. Her hair was matted and wet against her cheek.
“You were having a nightmare.”
And now she was awake, but not really. The nightmare continued, but it was real. Paula wiped her face dry with the sheet.
“Are you all right?” Linn asked.
Was she all right? Would she ever be?
Paula glanced at the alarm clock and saw by the red digital numbers it was the middle of the night. She must’ve been calling out to have awakened Linn at this hour. What did she say? It was the worst nightmare she’d ever had. There was just enough truth to make it haunting. She remembered the tiny gray-blue body. Was her baby the color of death when she was born?
“Are you all right?” Linn asked again.
Paula shook her head, her hair tangling on the pillow. She wasn’t all right. She’d tried to murder her baby, then buried the secret from her husband and everyone else. She lied about it a hundred times. Pretended to grieve her child . . . all the while denying it had been a child to begin with.
She turned her face into the pillow, letting the material soak up her tears. She felt Linn’s hand brushing her damp hair off her face, tucking it behind her ear.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Linn asked.
It wasn’t a matter of wanting to. It was a matter of having to. The feelings were so volatile that they had to come out.
“I had an abortion.” The word sounded harsh and cold. She was suddenly so ashamed. She wanted to go back to sleep, but there was no escape there, either.
“Oh, Paula, I’m so sorry.”
The sympathy in Linn’s voice was enough to make Paula want to wail. But she turned over on her back and wiped her face dry.
“I didn’t realize you were pregnant. Did you have it yesterday?”
Paula shook her head, trying to understand. “No. Not yesterday. A long time ago. Three years ago.”
“Oh.” The city lights seeped through the curtains, providing only murky details of Linn’s face, but Paula could hear from her tone that she was confused. Of course Linn thought the abortion must be recent to evoke this kind of emotion. But that was because she didn’t know the full story. So Paula told the story, starting with the news of her pregnancy and ending with her meeting with Louise.
By the time she finished, a weight had lifted from her.
‘Oh, man,” Linn said. “So that baby, that other family’s baby, is yours?”
Paula couldn’t believe she’d told a nineteen-year-old kid her biggest secret. And yet, strangely, she wasn’t worried.
“So you can see, my world is a little turned upside down right now,” Paula said.
“No kidding.” Linn shifted on the bed, her knee hitching up beside Paula. “You’re in a real difficult spot.”
“It’s just so much; I don’t know how to begin processing it. There’s the fact that I had an abortion to begin with. The fact that I hid it from David. The reality that our child is alive. And the thought of what I did . . . I mean, I didn’t see it as a child at the time, you know? I only saw it as a medical procedure. Or at least that’s what I told myself.”
“I know. I know.”
The tone of Linn’s voice made Paula pause. Then she remembered that Linn nearly had an abortion before she asked Natalie to adopt her baby. “That’s right. I’d forgotten.”
“I was really scared when I found out I was pregnant. When I went into the Hope Center, I was dead set on having an abortion if I was pregnant. Your sister changed all that.”
Paula had never wanted to be more like Natalie than in that moment. Why hadn’t someone pointed her in the right direction? Then Paula remembered how she hid her feelings about the pregnancy and how adamantly she felt about her promotion at the time. She wouldn’t have listened. She had chosen long ago to put her career before anything else.
“I went through guilt and regret after Grace was born just because I’d planned to abort the pregnancy. I can only imagine what you must be feeling.”
“I’m not even sure I felt guilt about it before now. I felt guilt about lying to David, but I’m not sure I did about the abortion. I’d convinced myself I hadn’t done anything wrong. But yesterday was like having blinders removed.” Paula closed her eyes. “I wish I could put them back on again.”
“No, you don’t. That might be easier, but it wouldn’t be healthy.”
Paula opened her eyes and stared at Linn. “You’re pretty smart for a nineteen-year-old.”
“Unfortunately, I’ve had to learn things the hard way.”
Silence settled around them. The kind that settles slowly down on you like snow on the ground. Paula was wide awake now, as if it were the afternoon and she’d just awakened from a nap. The monumental size of her discovery hit her freshly.
What would she tell the Morgans? She’d found their child’s birth parent, and it was her?
Oh, God, are You there? I know I’ve ignored You for a long time, but I need help. I need to know what to do.
Linn broke the silence. “How are you going to tell David?”
Paula stared at the girl through the darkness. “Tell David? I can’t do that, Linn.” David would never forgive her for this. It would be the end of their marriage if he found out she tried to abort the child he wanted and lied about it. Lied about it for three years. No, he’d never forgive her.
“Paula, you have to tell him. He has a child who’s living, and he doesn’t even know it.”
Paula gave a dry laugh. “You don’t understand. David and I just came through a rough time in our marriage. I know him. This would ruin us forever.”
“You can’t keep something like this from your husband. It’s not fair.” The words were spoken gently, but they grated on Paula.
“Well, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, life isn’t fair.”
“Maybe not, but I know one thing. Honesty may be harder in the short run, but secrets always come out. And when they do, they cause more pain than ever.”
* * *
Linn rushed through the door of Java Joe and made her way behind the counter. She’d been running late all morning, from the time she got up for church after only half a night’s sleep to nearly missing the bus after church. Now she was ten minutes late for work.
Adam had a line of customers he was trying to serve on his own.
“Sorry I’m late.”
Adam looked stressed, and his smile was nowhere in sight.
She felt awful.
“Americano, three shots.” He handed her a cup.
Great, he was mad at her too. Between Adam and Paula, maybe she could just alienate everyone in her life so she could be friendless and homeless.
She started the espresso and peeked at Adam from the corner of her eyes. He was definitely mad. He wasn’t smiling and making small talk with the customers like he usually did. Of course, the day before he hadn’t quite been himself either. Their kiss two nights ago had left him distant and on guard. He clearly regretted it and that hurt.
You dope, you regret it too. Yes, she regretted it, but only because it had been wrong. That’s the same reason he regrets it, stupid.
She poured the three shots into the cup and added the steaming water. After topping it with a lid, she pushed it across the counter. “Americano.” She offered a smile to the middle-aged guy.
He smiled back. “Thanks.”
Adam continued to slide cups toward her on the counter until there was only one customer remaining. As he rung up the woman’s smoothie, Linn went to the back to make it. She poured a cupful of milk and ice into the blender, then added strawberries. She put on the lid and punched the button. The machine noisily ground up the ice. Joe’s office door was shut, which meant he was probably on the phone. When the mixture was smooth, she turned off the blender.
Only when the machine whirred to a stop did she hear a scuffling beside her. She turned. Adam stood several feet away, feet planted shoulder distance apart, arms crossed. The stance looke
d odd on him.
She turned back to the blender, took off the lid, and poured the smoothie into the clear cup. Her hands shook.
“When were you going to tell me?” Adam asked.
“What?” Her heart caught a chill from his tone.
“You don’t have to quit.”
Oh. Joe had told him. “I didn’t quit; I just told him I would be looking for another job.” Her fingers fumbled to get the plastic lid on. In her rush, it ripped. She took it off and grabbed another one from the stack.
“You didn’t have to do that.”
His voice . . . was it anger or something else? She wasn’t sure she wanted to know.
She picked up the smoothie and walked toward the front. She stopped when she reached him because he blocked her path. “Excuse me,” she said, careful to keep her eyes down.
He stepped to the side and she passed. The woman took her smoothie, and Linn saw that another customer had arrived. She rang up the teenager’s latte, and Adam returned from the back in time to make it. Linn found herself wishing another customer would come in before he finished the latte. But by the time Adam had slid the drink across the counter, the store was empty except for two customers sitting at tables on the far side of the room.
She picked up a rag and wiped the counter, taking care to stay far away from the spot where Adam was leaning. Leaning and staring. At her.
How would she get through the day like this? This was even worse than yesterday had been. Yes, it had been hurtful to be avoided and virtually ignored by the guy who’d kissed you the night before. But even that was better than feeling as though she’d done something wrong. What was he so mad about anyway?
“Why are you quitting?” His voice sounded less angry now, but she wouldn’t look at him.
“You know why.” She scrubbed at a spot by the register. Did she have to spell it out for him? She liked him. Way too much. And—newsflash—he was engaged to someone else.
“I don’t want you to quit.”
He sounded sad, and she definitely wasn’t looking at him now. She turned and cleaned the counter by the syrups. How was she supposed to come to work and be with him, be so close to him, when it was painfully clear she couldn’t have him? She’d made up her mind on the bus yesterday that she would remove herself from temptation. Who was he, a future pastor, no less, to discourage her from that? Did he want her to make all the same painful mistakes she had made in the past? Didn’t he know she already had a lifetime of regrets, and she wasn’t even twenty? But no, he didn’t know that because she’d never told him.
“You’re mad at me.”
It was only then that Linn realized she was scrubbing a little zealously. She eased up. “No, I’m not.”
It was the truth. She wasn’t mad at him. She was mad at herself. Mad at the circumstances. Mad that every stinking time she really fell for a guy, he was already taken.
She tossed the rag into the sink and went to the back to rinse out the blender. She had to get away from him. Didn’t he understand it was too hard to be around him? How could she continue to resist him if she was working side by side with him nearly every day?
She took the blender container off and held it under the faucet.
“We need to talk, Linn. We can’t just keep acting like that kiss never happened.”
Just the thought of the kiss made her melt. As if time had rewound, all the emotions she felt when he kissed her sprang up all over again. The way she felt treasured and precious by the way he touched her. Then, just as real, the pain she felt when he pulled away and apologized.
“Sure we can.” Her flippant tone belied the ache behind her eyes.
Don’t start blubbering, Linn. Don’t.
“This isn’t right. You need this job, and you know it.”
Yeah, I also need my sanity, and you’re robbing me of it.
She’d only just arrived for work, and she already wished she was done for the day. Where were those customers when she needed them?
“I can find something else.” She dumped the water from the blender and rinsed it again.
“Just stay. We’ll work it out.”
“There’s nothing to work out, Adam.”
He leaned against the counter beside her. “There is, too, and you know it.”
His eyes drew hers until they met. Big mistake. He had the same look on his face that time when he took her home. When he told her he was confused about what he wanted. And she figured out he meant Elizabeth. She’d lain in bed for hours wondering how he could doubt his relationship with her. Elizabeth was perfect for him in every way. Perfect for the job of minister’s wife. That he was even having feelings for Linn had at first pleased her, then shocked her. Could there be anyone less suited or less deserving of a pastor? Linn should have started looking for another job right then.
She tore her eyes away. “It was just a kiss.”
“Was it? It was a lot more than that to me.”
Say it. Say it didn’t mean that much to you. Say it, Linn. Her dry lips clung to her teeth.
His eyes narrowed. “I think it was more than that to you too. I know it was wrong of me to kiss you, but I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching since Thursday night.”
Hope kindled inside her. He was engaged, but he did care about her. She could see it in his eyes. Had felt it in his kiss.
Stupid. That’s exactly the way you thought about Keith. “He’s married, but he cares about me.” And then you broke up a marriage, ripped a daddy away from two little boys, and got pregnant in the process. Smooth, Linn. Are you going to work your charm on Adam too?
“I know I was a jerk for kissing you. But just the fact that I did, or even the fact that I wanted to, sends up red flags all over the place, you know?”
Red flags. What was he talking about?
“What I’m trying to say is I’ve decided to break it off with Elizabeth.”
A crazy mixture of joy and anguish flooded Linn. As much as she cared about Adam, she was all wrong for him. Couldn’t he see that? He didn’t even know the horrible things she’d done. He probably thought she was as naive as Elizabeth. She was too ashamed to tell him otherwise.
She forced herself to say the words. “You shouldn’t do that.”
“Why not?” His eyes searched hers.
She looked down at the blender she still held before he read the truth. “Elizabeth is perfect for you.”
“If she’s so perfect, why do I want you?” He reached out and touched her elbow.
Even through the sweater, her skin responded to his touch. She crossed her arms, making his hand fall away. This was so unfair. He wasn’t making this easy.
“You don’t want me,” she said. “You’re just confused. You said so before.”
“An engaged man shouldn’t be confused. He shouldn’t be having the kinds of feelings—the kinds of feelings I’m having for you.”
Her heart felt heavy, as if pressed down by the weight of the world, and there didn’t seem to be room for the oxygen trying to enter her lungs. He was saying all the things she wanted to hear, but it was wrong. So wrong. She was all wrong for Adam. He just didn’t know it.
“I know we don’t know each other very well.” He shrugged. “Shoot, I probably shouldn’t even be saying these things to you yet.” His gaze focused on hers with an intensity she felt all the way to the soles of her feet. “But I’d like the opportunity to get to know you.”
Oh, God, help me. I need to do the right thing, but I don’t want to.
She turned away and began picturing all the things she’d done that disqualified her from Adam’s future. Like a stopwatch, they ticked off, one after another:
I had an affair with a married man.
I broke up his marriage.
I got pregnant out of wedlock.
I almost had an abortion.
I tried to trick my lover’s ex-wife into adopting the baby—
“Did you hear me, Linn? I want to know you better. I want to know wha
t you do when you’re scared. I want to know what makes you laugh. I want to know everything about your past—what makes you who you are and what you hope to become.”
No, he would never know about her past. She could only imagine the horror this pastor-in-the-making would feel if he knew everything she’d done. She steeled herself to say the words forming on her tongue. Steeled herself against the pain they would bring, both hers and his.
She tossed her head. “Like I’d have anything to do with a guy who’d betray his fiancée.”
She knew the words had hit their mark by the deafening silence.
She couldn’t look at him. If she saw the pain she’d caused, she would want to erase everything she just said. And she couldn’t do that.
Think of what’s best for Adam. Think of what’s best for Adam.
Her words might hurt him for a moment, but in the long run they were what he needed to hear. Maybe if he knew there was no chance with Linn, he would rethink his plan to break up with Elizabeth.
He cleared his throat. “I guess that’s fair.” His words were basted in disappointment.
No, it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair at all. Not for Adam. If she hadn’t made a royal mess of her life, she might have been good enough for him.
“I’m sorry, Linn, if I hurt you.” His tone beckoned her, but she ignored the call. “And, regardless of what happens, I have to tell Elizabeth what I did.”
Linn’s eyes flew to his. The past was reliving itself. Now Elizabeth would think she was a tramp just like Natalie must have when she found out about the affair.
“I won’t tell her who it was. But I can’t keep this from her.” His eyes were slick as ice but a whole lot warmer. “I hope you understand.”
In the distance the bell over the door sounded. A customer. She set the blender in the base and dried her hands on a paper towel. When she turned, Adam was gone.
CHAPTER
TWENTY-SIX
The next morning Paula was in a fog. She wasn’t sure she could fake her way through the week when she was torn to shreds on the inside.
When she arrived at her desk, following an interview for an evening story, she found a white envelope. It was a regular, business-size envelope, devoid of writing and sealed. She unsealed the corner of the flap, took out the white piece of paper, and unfolded it.
Finding Faith Page 19
