She pulled out her Jackson cell phone and punched in Natalie’s number. Kyle picked up and transferred it to her sister. In the background she heard Grace wailing.
“Hi, Paula.” Her sister sounded frazzled, and Paula realized she probably didn’t have time to chat.
“What’s going on over there? It sounds like a zoo.”
“It’s family night,” Natalie said. “We’re playing Uno, and Alex is skunking everyone, which means Taylor has a handful of cards and wants to quit.”
“Ah. And what’s Grace’s problem?”
“She’s just hungry.” The phone sounded like it was getting jostled around. “There we go. She’s happy now. Sounds pretty noisy wherever you are too.”
“I’m at the airport, getting ready to fly home. At least I hope so. There’s a winter storm in full swing.”
“I didn’t know you were coming home this weekend. Is David ready to talk?”
Paula hefted her suitcase to an empty chair and sat down. “No, but I am. This isn’t going to go away if we just ignore it.”
“Do you think that’s wise, hon? Some people just need more time to process things.”
Her hand gripped the cell phone. “I can’t stand it anymore. I miss him, and I want him back. I know what I did was unthinkable, but I don’t care what it takes. I’m not giving up on our marriage.” An announcement started over the intercom. “Hang on a sec, Natalie.”
“. . . give you an update shortly. Repeating, flight number 257 to Jackson Hole, Wyoming has been delayed. We will give you an update shortly. Thank you.”
“Oh, great,” Paula said. “We’ve got a delay now.”
“Well, you might not get here until late, but at least you know you’ll be seeing David soon. You should probably call him if you’re going to be too late so he doesn’t think you’re a burglar when you come in.”
A ruckus started in the background. She heard Alex cheering. “OK. I’ll let you go.”
After she disconnected, she carried her bag back to the window, unable to sit still. The snowflakes were thinning out and being replaced by rain or sleet. She didn’t know whether it would hurt or help her cause. She turned and leaned against the cold windowpane. People rushed up and down the terminal, pulling suitcases behind them. Most seats at the gate were occupied, and Paula wondered if other flights were delayed too. She checked her Movado. They would be boarding now if the plane were running on schedule.
To pass time, she walked down to the nearest Starbucks and ordered an Americano. By the time she got back to the gate, she was wishing she’d brought her larger rolling suitcase. Her feet ached from the heels she’d been in all day, and carrying a fifty-pound bag didn’t help matters any.
She sipped her drink and thought about David. What would she say to him when she saw him? Would he be angry she had come home after he asked her not to? Would he refuse to talk? How could she make him understand how deeply she regretted the things she’d done?
She was ready to tell him she’d move back home. Surely he’d see then how much he meant to her.
Unless he’d already decided it was over. He may have met with an attorney and started the divorce process for all she knew. The thought was a kick in the stomach. She set her drink under the chair, her hands shaking at the thought. Had she waited too long? Given him too much time alone?
What a fool she was. She should have gone home weeks ago, even if he didn’t want her there. If he made up his mind it was over, it would be like uprooting an oak tree to change it now. Why hadn’t she realized that before?
“Attention all passengers. We’re sorry to inform you that due to the inclement weather, the airport is temporarily closing. All flights for this evening have been cancelled. Please see the attendant at your gate for further information regarding your flight. Thank you.”
Paula quickly moved to the gate booth behind the one man who was already there. This couldn’t be happening. She needed to get home to David this weekend. The urgency she felt could not be denied.
Another attendant stepped up to help, and Paula met her at the counter. “Do you have any idea when the airport will open again?”
“I’m sorry; I don’t. Would you like to book the next flight to Jackson Hole?”
Paula smiled, trying to hide her frustration. “When is it?”
The woman punched keys on the computer and paused. “We have a flight tomorrow afternoon that goes through Salt Lake . . .”
Tomorrow wouldn’t be so bad. It would give them all of Sunday together.
“However, it’s full.”
Disappointment and frustration twisted Paula’s nerves.
“Oh, here we go,” the attendant said. “We have a flight out Sunday evening. Would you like me to book it for you?” She smiled as though she was the one-woman neighborhood welcoming committee holding out a hot apple pie to the newcomer.
Sunday night. She would get home just in time for David to be going to work. Not to mention she had her own job to worry about.
“Is there any way I can get on standby for the Saturday flight?”
“Well, you can give it a try, but it looks like it’s already overbooked.”
The woman’s carefree smile was tugging on Paula’s last nerve.
“I’d like to try anyway,” she said.
After Paula stepped away from the counter, she went back to her seat and picked up her coffee. She might as well go back to the apartment, but suddenly it seemed as if every drop of energy had drained out of her. She sank into the now-empty row of chairs. Everyone who’d been at the gate was now in line to reschedule flights.
God, this isn’t the way it was supposed to work. Not only would she not see David tonight, she highly doubted she was going home this weekend, and that meant she wasn’t going to see him for a week. She couldn’t wait a whole week to talk to him. There was no telling what plans he was already making or what he was planning to do this very week. Every minute now seemed like precious seconds ticking away, like a countdown to the end of their marriage.
She wasn’t going to wait. She had to talk to him now. She took out her cell phone and punched in their home number. Her limbs weakened as she tried to think of what she’d say. It didn’t matter because the phone rang until the voice mail kicked in.
She disconnected and dialed his cell number. The phone began ringing. He normally left it off in the evenings, so it would probably kick over to—
“Hello?” She hadn’t heard his voice in weeks, and it was like balm on her soul.
“David.” It was all she could think to say. Her mind went blank.
He paused so long, Paula realized he didn’t know it was her before he picked up. He must not have checked the screen to see who the incoming call was from. “Don’t hang up, David. Please.” She took an unsteady breath. “I was going to fly home so we could talk, but the airport just closed, and the flight for tomorrow is booked and another one doesn’t go out until Sunday.”
“Where are you?”
“O’Hare. David, we have to talk. I know you’re angry, and you have every right to be, but this silence isn’t fixing anything.”
The cacophony of announcements and voices drove her to stand and move away to the window. She peered out into the darkening sky, wishing he would say something. Maybe he’d hung up, and she hadn’t heard the click for all the noise.
“Are you still there?” Please, God, don’t let him hang up on me. Not now, when she’d finally gotten on the phone with him.
“I’m here.”
“Will you give me a few minutes, David? You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want, but would you just hear me out? Please?” She laid her forehead against the cold windowpane.
“I’m listening.”
The relief was followed quickly by anxiety. What would she say, and how would she word it? When she reported a story, she wrote it out and edited it before presenting it. Now, when it was most important that she be clear and persuasive, she had nothing. No written s
peech, no audio track, no video. Just her, humbled and vulnerable, speaking straight from her broken heart.
“When I was a teenager, I remember having this emptiness inside me. This hole that I kept trying to fill with activities and friends. But somewhere on the way, I began filling that hole with my own ambition. By the time I was seventeen, I knew I wanted to be the next Diane Sawyer. I wanted to get out of Jackson Hole and climb the ladder until I stood at the very top. On my way up the ladder, it didn’t seem to matter who I trampled. I only saw one thing: the goal, the prize.”
Now that she’d started, the words tumbled out. “Even after we fell in love and married, the career was still my number one priority. I didn’t see it then, but it’s true.” The hard part was coming, and she didn’t know if she could find the words. But she had to try. “When I got pregnant, it was unexpected for both of us. I guess I saw it—and I’m really ashamed to say this—I saw it as an obstacle to my goals. The child I carried was one more thing to trample on my journey toward success.” Her eyes stung, and she closed them.
“When I got the temporary job here in Chicago, once again I put my career first. I didn’t care what you had to say or what you wanted. All I could see was the goal.”
She wished he’d say something. She wondered if he was even on the line. “David, are you still there?”
“I’m here.” The words were so soft she could barely hear him. But at least he was still listening.
She took a deep breath. “When I found out about Faith—my life just turned on end. I can’t even begin to tell you all the emotions I’ve felt. I was shocked that she was alive, joyful that she’d survived, and—ashamed. Oh, David, I was so ashamed. When I turned to God, I began to see what had happened, what I had done to bring myself to this place. I had rejected God and set up another idol in His place. My career had come before everything. Before God, before you, and before the child we’d conceived.
“That one grave error led me to a string of tragic choices that have hurt a lot of people, especially you. And the worst part is . . . I can’t go back and undo them. I can’t change the consequences for any of us. All I can do is say I’m sorry, and as you said before, sorry isn’t enough for this. I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”
She drew a shaky breath. “But I do love you, David. With all my heart. I’ll do anything to earn your trust back. I’ll quit my job and move back home. The anchor chair would be an empty place to be if you weren’t in my life anymore.” Tears blurred the darkening sky outside the window.
She let silence fall across the lines. It was up to him now. What would he do with it? Would he throw it all back in her face? She couldn’t blame him if he did.
“You’re beautiful,” he whispered.
The words caught her off guard. A compliment like that was the last thing she expected, especially from three hundred miles away.
“Turn around,” he said.
What? Why was he acting so strangely? She straightened and turned away from the window, though for what she didn’t know.
Then her eyes fell on him. Across the sea of empty chairs, he stood holding his phone against his ear. Their eyes locked. The moment swirled around her like a surreal painting, everything in her periphery dancing in a hazy mosaic of colors. But there he was. He was here.
He walked toward her, pulling the phone from his ear and flipping it closed in one motion.
She let her own hand fall, her feet rooted to the floor as he neared. Her vision went blurry and she blinked, not wanting to lose sight of him for even a second.
He stopped an arm’s length away.
“You’re here,” she whispered. She wanted to reach out and run her fingers down his jaw just to make sure. But she didn’t know if he’d welcome her touch. Maybe he’d come to tell her it was over. Maybe he had divorce papers in his case.
“Why did you come?” Her muscles tightened as if they could block the blow his answer could inflict.
“Because I love you.” His words were so quiet she nearly had to read his lips.
Her heart caught midbeat, then continued at a frantic pace. She didn’t deserve his love after what she’d done. She deserved to be left alone with the career she’d chased so diligently. Tears flowed down her face in earnest now.
“Don’t cry.” He smoothed away her tears with the back of his hand. “It’ll be OK.” He drew her tenderly to him, and she buried her face in the softness of his sweater.
She thought of how David had lost the chance to be Faith’s father. She thought of the lies she told and the pain she inflicted. “How can it ever be OK?”
His arms tightened around her. “I’m not going to lie to you, Paula. It’s going to take a while. But I’m willing to try. We’re going to make it work, and with God’s help, it’s going to be better than it ever was before.”
She turned her face, hearing his heartbeat in her ear. “How can you know that?”
He leaned away and took her face in his hands.
She looked into his eyes, knowing she probably had black streaks of mascara running down her face, but she didn’t care. All she cared about was David and the love that still shone in his eyes.
“I have it on good authority that when love forgives, it grows,” he said, his own eyes filling with tears.
“How do you know you can forgive me?” Her lip quivered as she awaited his answer.
“Because I’m willing. And God is able.”
He kissed her, and she tasted the salt of her tears. His lips were warm and soft, and she never wanted to part.
When he pulled away, his eyes held her captive. “Let’s go home.” They were sweet words, tugging at her in all the right places.
She withdrew her gaze from him and scanned the knots of frustrated travelers. “We can’t. The airport’s closed, remember?”
He grabbed the handle of his carry-on and picked up her suitcase. “I meant the apartment.” He started walking and tossed her a look over his shoulder. “Maybe I’ll have a chance to scope out the real-estate market over the weekend.”
She followed him, speeding her steps until she was beside him. “Why would you do that?”
“You don’t think I’m going to let my famous wife support me, do you?”
She stopped in her tracks and stared hard at him, not sure she was hearing what she thought she was.
He walked three steps before he seemed to realize he’d lost her. He turned. “What?”
She couldn’t believe how blessed she was. After all her mistakes, all her bad choices, here was a man who was sticking by her regardless. “You want to move here?”
He set down her bag. “You belong here, Paula. And I want to be wherever you are. Always.”
A lady jostled Paula as she rushed past. She hardly even noticed. She couldn’t take her eyes off her husband. Even when she’d done nothing but drive him away with her secrets and lies and walls, he was there to pick her up again and give her another chance. She moved closer to him, drawn to him like never before, and stood face to face with him, so close that their breath mingled.
She thought of Faith and wondered how it would be for them, living in the same city as their daughter and having no right to her. And David—“You haven’t even met Faith yet.” His daughter was three years old, and he’d never met her.
“Actually, I met her last weekend.”
“You did?”
He nodded. “I flew here, and the Morgans had me over.” He gave a sad little smile. “She’s a doll, just like you said with those green eyes and cute little curls.”
Paula couldn’t believe he had met her. The Morgans hadn’t said a word.
“She reminds me of someone,” he said.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” He brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. “She reminds me of the little girl we’re going to have someday.”
A sweet fullness swelled up inside her as she framed his face in her hands. “Oh, David, I’d like that more than anything.”
An
d then he kissed her again—a slow, sweet kiss that made her ache at its beauty.
Outside, snowflakes swirled around, but inside the warmth of their love rekindled a fire she knew would be burning for a long time to come.
THE END
Dear Reader,
The main idea of Finding Faith came to me during a brainstorming session with my author friends Colleen Coble and Diann Hunt. The actual seed of the story came from Diann, and when she blurted out the idea, I gasped. It was a stunning twist, but did I want to explore the painful issue of abortion? And how would I get my characters—who were on various sides of the issue and thus experiencing vastly different emotions—to push past the pain enough to forgive? Mostly I wondered if I could do justice to such a difficult topic.
For some, the issues in this book were difficult to read about. My prayer is that the message of forgiveness and love for a special little girl will offer hope. Hope to those who are in that frantic place of deciding between aborting “a fetus” or letting a baby live. Hope to those who are in the long nine months of carrying a baby they will never see grow up. Hope to those who’ve been harmed through the lies that “everything will be fine” and will “return to normal” after an abortion.
The strength to forgive can always be found through Jesus Christ. It will not necessarily come quickly, and sometimes it’s a long journey. But you, too, can “find faith”—that place of safety in the midst of a stormy world. God is always there, waiting for you.
Denise Hunter
As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
—Psalm 103:12
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
1. If you discovered that you (like Faith) were the “product” of a botched abortion, how would you feel? How would that news affect the way you see yourself and your role in this world? the way you feel about others (especially the woman who tried to abort you)? the way you think about God?
2. Paula found herself in a painful position—torn between her family and her career. Have you ever felt that kind of tug? If so, when? How did you handle the pressure? What decisions did you make as a result? Looking back, is there anything you would change about those decisions? Why or why not?
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