by Jyoti Singh
She had to make an official trip in the coming week and was really excited about acquainting herself with people and parts of the country which were not in her normal orbit. As she prepared herself, she couldn’t help thinking about her past two trips. They had been the pinnacle of hedonism – all about gratification of the senses. How had she lost control and perspective so easily? It worried her that she had let Sid affect her so profoundly. It was as if suddenly everything had been coloured by the status of her relationship with him. She regretted that she had let him take over her life so completely.
In the following weeks, she travelled around the country armed with a new sensibility. It was heart-wrenching to see the issues people dealt with on an ongoing basis. Their reality was so different from hers that it gave her perspective on her own problems. Who was she to quibble about heartbreak when there were people fighting for their very survival? It made her feel small. She made a conscious decision to close the Sid chapter in her mind. There were bigger and more concrete difficulties in the world and she felt more than ready to do her bit to alleviate some of them.
‘You’re looking sick,’ Tanya observed on her return from one of her trips.
‘Must be the stomach bug I caught last time. It’s just not going away,’ Niki replied.
‘You must have it checked out—you never know these days.’ Tanya was concerned that Niki was neglecting her health.
‘I will, I promise—after I come back on Friday. I’m sure it’s nothing because I feel fine otherwise,’ she reassured her sister.
‘I’m booking an appointment for you first thing Saturday morning. You can’t ignore these things and expect them to go away, Niki.’ Tanya’s maternal instinct always kicked in where she was concerned.
‘Noted, T.’ She smiled with affection.
Tanya got irritated. ‘How can you be so cavalier?’
‘It’s not like that, T… It’s just that this work has given me a better perspective on my life. I feel really blessed to have the ability to get the medical attention I need, when I need it—you should see how people struggle.’
‘I am really glad you feel this way… but you are not people. You are my sister and the only real family I have. You have to take care of yourself. Just remember, if you’re not well, you won’t be able to do this work, all this travel to the boondocks in God knows what unsanitary conditions…’ Niki could see her past self in Tanya’s words and chuckled.
‘Stop! I promised I would go and I will… and you, my dear, need to really work on your world view—it is horribly skewed and smacks of elitism.’ Tanya did not find it funny and they ended up squabbling like they had as children.
On Saturday, she found herself in the doctor’s surgery with Tanya. The stomach bug had not settled. Even she was beginning to get a little worried that it might be a bigger problem than she had envisaged. She was glad Tanya was with her. Over the past two months she’d felt closer to her than she ever had.
The doctor ordered some tests. Niki patiently sat through the phlebotomy and answered all the doctor’s questions truthfully. It became a little uncomfortable when he asked about her sexual activity in the past six months but she decided that she had no reason to feel any shame and gave him the facts. Luckily for her, Tanya waited outside during this exchange. It would have been really awkward if she were in the room.
‘Now we wait,’ she said as they walked out of the clinic.
‘This is the hardest part…’ Tanya said as she put her arm around her waist in a gesture of reassurance.
‘He said we’d get the results this evening and need to meet him afterwards. Don’t worry; it’s probably just some silly little thing,’ Niki said, trying to assuage her own fears as much as Tanya’s. She didn’t want to admit she was afraid.
Tanya was with her when the doctor broke the news.
‘I love this part of my job… when I can actually tell a patient something positive.’ The doctor smiled before he continued, ‘You are in very good health, Niki; there’s nothing wrong with you.’
Niki was holding her breath. ‘Then why?’
‘Oh, that! It’s not a stomach bug—you’re pregnant!’ The doctor actually laughed that she hadn’t realised it herself.
Niki was so shocked she let out a guffaw before she processed what he had just said. Then her mind went into overdrive. She looked at Tanya, who looked befuddled. There was complete silence in the room as neither knew what to say.
Taking a cue from their surprised expressions, the doctor asked, ‘Not good news, eh?’
‘I think I need a little time before I can answer that,’ Niki replied, gathering her wits. The news had knocked the wind out of her sails. How had she missed the signs? How stupid could she be? It was so obvious in retrospect.
‘Take your time, Niki. I am recommending the name of a gynaecologist. Schedule an appointment and let her take you through what you will need to do from here on.’ The doctor politely encouraged them to take their time outside his clinic. He had a waiting room full of patients he had to see.
They thanked the doctor and left. The car ride to Tanya’s was quiet. Niki was only just beginning to understand the full import of what she had found out. She was pregnant… with Sid’s child. It had been conceived in love. In Goa. Some birthday celebration it had turned out to be—it was like a gift that kept giving. Joy, heartbreak and now a child.
She looked at Tanya. She seemed lost in her own world. Niki couldn’t even begin to fathom how she felt. She was aware that Tanya and Tushar had been trying to have a child of their own for the longest time. Tanya had even undergone fertility treatment and got pregnant once. It was not to be. They had not tried again because it was too painful. Tanya had redirected all her maternal energy into Niki. Tushar had suggested adoption but had left the final decision to Tanya. He was a patient and kind man who loved Tanya dearly and he would not push her. The universe was not fair. If it had been Tanya who’d received the news they would have been jumping with joy. She reached out and took Tanya’s hand in hers. She turned to look at Niki. There was a glimmer of tears in her eyes… Niki’s heart broke again.
Niki retired to bed on their return. She needed to make sense of what she had just learnt and she couldn’t burden Tanya while she came to terms with it.
After the shock had worn off the next morning, Niki’s brain kick-started. She began to think of her options. She had just started a new job, she had no relationship with Sid and had no idea if he would even want to be involved. The easiest thing would be to terminate the pregnancy. It would solve all her problems in one fell swoop. But Niki had always wanted to be a mother. She had been given this unexpected gift without asking—one that Tanya would sacrifice anything for. For her, the baby represented the unconditional love she had felt for Sid. Despite the odds, there was no question in her mind about her course of action.
She approached Tanya tentatively, not sure whether it was the right time to discuss this with her. All she knew was that she needed her sister’s counsel and support.
‘I am keeping the baby,’ she said without ceremony.
‘I am so glad.’ There was no rancour in Tanya’s words.
‘I don’t know how I’ll do it…’ Niki was conflicted.
‘We need to tell Sid.’ Tanya had sublimated what she felt and returned to being Niki’s surrogate parent.
‘No! No!’ Niki was vehement.
‘He needs to know, Niki. It’s the right thing to do… He can choose how he wants to deal with it. You don’t have to worry about anything. I am right here, no matter what.’ Tanya’s oft repeated words were like balm.
‘I don’t want him to know… at least not yet… Can’t we just wait until after…?’ Niki didn’t want to face Sid, especially since he had done his disappearing act. What sort of man made no attempt to mend bridges after what they had been through? It had been more than eight weeks—enough time for him to have worked through whatever issues he had. She didn’t even know if he cared for her
. Maybe she had been a notch in his bedpost after all. Then there was Gauri—what if she was the love of his life? What would that make Niki? A second choice… a runner-up? She deserved better than that. All her thoughts about Sid were uncharitable at this time.
‘You have to give him the benefit of the doubt, Niki. I understand if you want to wait but we have to tell him.’ Tanya laid down the law. ‘If you won’t, I will. Do you know if he is back?’
Niki had no clue. ‘Can you at least give it some time? Why don’t we make a call after the visit to the gynaecologist?’ She was hoping against hope that Sid would surface and make this quandary moot. There had been a brief window of time during which she’d known that she could trust and rely on Sid but now she had no idea. It was a very strange turn of events. On one level, Niki did not want to give him any quarter but the compassionate side of her agreed with Tanya about giving him the benefit of the doubt. He was the father of her child, after all.
‘Okay.’ Tanya gave in and asked, ‘Would you be all right with my telling Tushar?’
‘You haven’t already?’ Niki had just presumed that Tanya would have done so. It had worried her that Tushar might not be as non-judgemental as Tanya and she didn’t want him to think less of her.
Tanya was affronted. ‘How could I without checking with you first?’
Her sister still had the capacity to surprise her. She felt guilty that she hadn’t trusted her more. She was only just realising how important she was to Tanya. She had always assumed it was because she had taken on the role of a parent after her parents had died but it was more than that. She was overcome by the generosity of her spirit and heart. Tanya was amazing.
‘I love you, T.’ Niki’s eyes brimmed with tears.
‘Don’t you dare get me started…’ Tanya hugged her and they both sobbed together. Neither knew if they were tears of joy, relief or sadness. It just felt good to cry. They were overwhelmed on so many levels…
‘So where is your husband?’ the gynaecologist asked. She was a small elderly lady with a gentle yet professional demeanour. Old school with conventional values, Niki gathered. Her doctor held her in very high esteem so Niki had come to her clinic unhesitatingly. But her question made Niki feel judged.
‘I’m not married,’ she replied uncomfortably.
‘Oh! So this is a case of termination?’ the gynaecologist said unequivocally.
‘No!’ It was Tanya who responded this time, aghast.
‘Good! I don’t encourage it. Is it your first?’ she asked.
Niki was beginning to dislike her intensely and she replied bitingly, ‘Yes.’ Tanya kicked her foot under the table. She yelped in pain and looked at her. Tanya widened her eyes to tell her to get a grip. Niki got the message.
‘Okay, let’s check you out…’ The gynaecologist snapped the band of her glove on her wrist.
Niki felt humiliated by the examination but bit her tongue. Next was the ultrasound and all her irritation vanished when she saw the heartbeat on the monitor. Tanya squeezed her hand so hard she thought her bones would break. Tears streamed down their faces. But Niki’s happiness was tinged with sadness. Sid should have been here—he needed to see for himself what they had created together. Niki was surprised she felt this way and finally understood why Tanya said he had to know.
‘You are in very good health and your baby is doing well. Nothing to worry about. I will see you in four weeks unless you have any problems before then,’ the gynaecologist signed off.
‘What about travel?’ Tanya asked.
‘No problems. Like I said, she’s in good shape. The morning sickness is likely to continue for a few more weeks or so but it is not bad enough to need medication.’ All this was par for the course where the gynaecologist was concerned.
They left the clinic feeling strangely elated.
‘I don’t like her one bit,’ Niki said as soon as they got into Tanya’s car.
‘Come on, give her a break… she’s just been around a long time. Must have seen everything there is to see where pregnancies are concerned.’ Tanya was feeling magnanimous.
‘You know what, we forgot to ask her about my motorcycle…’ Niki smacked her forehead.
‘That’s an easy one. Even I can tell you – absolutely not! I will arrange a driver for my other car.’ Tanya was firm.
Niki leant back, relieved she had nothing to worry about. Tanya was there. But there was nothing Tanya could do about the sudden longing Niki felt for Sid. She was afraid to mention it for fear Tanya would get in touch with him. Despite the pangs, Niki was still not ready.
Niki hadn’t bargained for the feelings getting stronger with each passing day. Tanya had made it clear that she would wait for Niki’s go-ahead, but not beyond the next visit to the gynaecologist.
Somewhere deep inside, Niki wished that Sid would realise that she was the one for him and reach out himself. The thought of going to him, telling him that she was pregnant, smacked of the oldest game in the book of love. She didn’t want to force his hand. Sid had to choose her of his own accord. If she knew anything about Sid, he would feel obliged… and she didn’t want their child to be an obligation. They had created a beautiful new life together and she wanted him to appreciate it with the same wonder she felt. This was not how she’d imagined her life to be
– she had broken every rule in her book as an unmarried mother-to-be…
Her last words to Sid haunted her – let me be your regret
– what if he had taken her seriously? What if he was a man who had no problems living with regret?
Chapter Eleven
Had it really been eight weeks since Goa? Sid had no idea where the time had gone. He had been in a haze—of confusion, of realisation and then wrapped in a strange pall of gloom.
When Niki had pulled her hand away from his on the flight back from Goa, something had just snapped within him. Women! First Gauri and then Niki—he couldn’t take it any more.
When Gauri had reached out to him, he had taken it in good faith. It had been a mistake not to let Niki know, but he couldn’t undo what he had done. Niki should have understood that, especially since he was with her and not Gauri. He blamed himself for letting Gauri back in when he already knew she never did things above board. It had become a royal mess and although it was easy to be angry with Niki for being unreasonable, he knew deep within that the fault was his.
He had been in a purple haze in Goa. His time with Niki had stirred his primitive instincts— he was not his rational self. When Gauri had called, he thought he was just being a good friend. Then the situation had changed dramatically. He had misread Gauri’s intentions…
It was the call at Anjuna beach that had raised flags for Sid.
‘I still love you, Sid,’ she had said.
He hadn’t spoken to her again. It was his misfortune that Niki had seen the call on his phone after he had already made up his mind that whatever he had with Gauri was over. He had finally laid her ghost to rest. It was just masculine pride that would not allow him to admit it to Niki at the time. He hadn’t realised that things would deteriorate so quickly from there.
He didn’t recognise himself in all this. Sid rarely, if ever, felt the need to second guess anything. Ever since Niki had come into his life, he’d felt as if things were always off kilter… and it made him feel alive. Sid had spent most of his adult life shying away from human contact and emotion. After Gauri, he had returned to his homeostasis. He had become reclusive… a lone wolf against the world.
But Niki had changed all that. She had somehow become embedded in his thoughts and life in a way that made finding equilibrium impossible. He had only just realised it over the preceding weeks, when he had removed himself from all contact and gone into his cave to code. The virtual realm had been his saving grace in the past and he had hoped it would restore balance in his world again, but he’d found himself still pining for Niki. He couldn’t even count the number of times he had reached for his phone to call and hear h
er voice, but he had held back. He had come away to the US so that the geographical distance would prevent him from giving in to the temptation of trying to meet her because he knew that if he did he would be lost forever. Sid blamed his strong drive for self-preservation but it was much more than that. Niki had bought real estate in his heart and Sid didn’t know how to deal with it.
For a man of logic, it had taken him time to work out the reality of his situation. He couldn’t imagine a life without Niki in it. He had to get her back. He just hoped he had not left it too late.
Niki resisted the urge to pick up Sid’s call. He was persistent, she’d give him that. He had called on the hour every hour throughout the day.
It had been a rough week. Another trip to what Niki called the heartland and Tanya the boondocks had left her exhausted. The morning sickness had not abated and Niki was beginning to wonder if it ever would. Her belly felt swollen but she knew it was too early for her to show. She was a hormonal wreck.
Tanya had looked questioningly at her when she didn’t pick up the phone. It was a Sunday.
‘Pick it up, Niki, or put it on silent—it’s getting annoying,’ she said.
‘It’s Sid,’ Niki blurted out.
Tanya’s eyebrows rose. ‘Why aren’t you picking up?’
‘I don’t know what to say to him…’ Niki said.
‘Don’t talk, just listen, Niki… At least give him a chance to explain himself. You know you will have to talk to him at some point or other.’ Tanya knew best.
‘This is not a conversation to have over the phone…’ she averred.
‘Then give him the opportunity to fix up to meet you,’ Tanya advised.
The phone rang again and Niki looked at it as if it were diseased.
