‘But I thought she liked me,’ Oscar said with a furrow forming between his little brows. ‘I thought she liked you.’
‘She does like you, Oscar. She likes you very much.’
His actions had apparently made everyone sad, but Heath doubted it was a call that he could reverse now. Not even if he told her the truth. That he loved her.
‘I guess... But it makes me sad for you, Daddy, ’cos you smiled so much with Phoebe. She made you happy and now you’ll be sad again. I don’t like it when you’re sad.’
Heath felt his heart breaking. He had been so blind to what he’d had.
‘Oscar, if you want we can go and buy a Christmas tree. Maybe it would be nice to put one up with Grandpa and—’
‘No, I don’t want one any more, Daddy. Santa isn’t real and Christmas is stupid,’ Oscar cut in, his voice cracking a little as he swallowed his tears.
‘Why do you say that?’
‘’Cos I asked him to make Phoebe my mummy. And she left. A mummy would never leave me.’
* * *
Heath knew he had been a fool not to let Phoebe make changes to his life. They were much needed changes that everyone else had been too scared to tell him he needed to make.
He had no idea if she would ever forgive him, but he knew he had to try.
CHAPTER TWELVE
PHOEBE SAT STARING at her suitcases and at Oscar’s cheerily wrapped Christmas present, standing by the door. Her landlord had kindly agreed to arrange a courier to deliver the dinosaur-patterned bike helmet to the little boy on Christmas Eve. She adored Oscar, and did not want him to stop believing in Santa Claus. His father could dress it up any way he wanted, but Phoebe still believed in Christmas.
Her tears had dried slowly as she’d packed her belongings over the three days since Heath had told her to leave. Regret filled her heart that she had so stupidly seen more in Heath and their relationship than there obviously had been from his standpoint. His one-night rule clearly still applied. She had broken the others, but that one still stood.
There was no regret that she had come to Adelaide. She had fallen in love with Heath and his son, and she believed in her heart that Oscar’s innocent feelings for her were as real as her feelings for him. And then there was Ken. He was equally as lovable as his grandson, and she would never regret the time she’d spent with them both.
But allowing herself to fall for Heath would be a lifelong regret. And one she felt sure would haunt her waking moments for ever. She had completely fallen for the man who’d crushed her heart so easily.
Her airline ticket was booked. The destination wasn’t Melbourne, to take up the offer from the sports practice, although professionally it would have been advantageous to take on the role. Phoebe knew it wasn’t what she wanted. She never had.
Nor was she heading home to Washington.
Instead Phoebe was heading to London.
* * *
‘I don’t know what to do!’ Phoebe had cried into the telephone to Susy two days earlier. ‘I thought Heath was the one. I feel so stupid for falling so hard, so quickly, but I’ve never felt that way about any man before in my life. How could I get it so wrong?’
‘Because, like I said before, men are from another planet. They don’t communicate in the same language. It may sound the same, it may even look the same on paper, but the emphasis is very different. It’s like a completely different way of thinking.’
‘You’re right. He’s just another playboy and he definitely played me. I should never have doubted my belief that all men are the same.’
‘Why don’t you come to London and spend some time with me? We can cry into a warm beer at the local pub and then, after a while, you can start planning the rest of your life.’
Phoebe had sat in silence for the longest moment. She had stupidly thought the rest of her life would involve Heath.
‘Phoebs, don’t go silent on me,’ Susy had continued. ‘It’s a brilliant idea. I’m wrapping up a case now, and I’m due to have at least a week off, so the timing is perfect for you to get your sweet self over here. I miss you, and I’d love to spend time with you. I feel terrible that I couldn’t get to Washington...’
Susy had paused as she’d realised that the last time they’d supposed to catch up had been at the wedding that Phoebe cancelled.
‘To witness my vows that never happened?’ Phoebe finished drily.
‘Sorry, Phoebs... I’m so insensitive.’
‘Hardly,’ Phoebe returned. ‘It’s just that your best friend’s life is a series of unfortunate love stories. Only this one will be the last. I gave my heart completely to Heath—now there’s nothing left for me to give another man even if I wanted to. I’m done.’
‘London would be good for you, then. There are a million pubs and a nice fluffy bed in my spare room that can serve as shelter till you’ve healed.’
Phoebe was hurting more than she had thought possible and doubted she would ever heal, but she knew she had to listen to her father’s advice and smile through the heartbreak until it didn’t hurt any more.
‘Okay, Susy—looks like you have a house guest. A miserable one, but you know that upfront. I’ll book my ticket today.’
* * *
Phoebe was sitting on the sofa waiting for her cab and looking wistfully around the apartment that had held so many wonderful memories.
The night that Heath had stayed over was still only days before, and she could still feel his presence there. It was as if he might walk back into the kitchen with his towel hung low and tell her that the man who had cheated on her was a fool.
Now she knew the only fool was her, for believing him. For waking in his arms, making breakfast together, opening her heart and having him make love to her as if they were the only lovers in the world. For planning in her head the life and the love they would share together, wherever in the world that might be.
She had not dreamed for a moment that it was just a fling for him. A night like all the others he’d shared with different women.
She had never thought for a moment, as he’d held her naked body against his, that he knew it would end as quickly as it had started.
Her stay in Adelaide had been short and heartbreaking.
Her stomach was churning with nerves and hunger. She hadn’t been able to eat for the two days since Heath had ended their relationship—forced her to leave and broken any chance of a future for them. There was plenty of food in the refrigerator, but as she stared at it her mind raced back to that morning when he’d walked out in his towel and she’d been cooking omelettes. Breakfast had been delayed as they’d been hungry only for each other.
Now she had no appetite. She had been too upset to think about food. There was no point cooking because she knew she wouldn’t be able to eat. She hoped that on the plane she might feel differently. Or at least when she landed and had Susy’s shoulder to cry on for a little while.
She felt more alone now, as she sat waiting for her cab, than she had when she’d arrived at the empty house all those weeks ago. Then it had been almost an adventure—an escape and a fresh start. Now she saw nothing that would ever fill the void in her heart...the hole he had made in her soul that she’d mistakenly thought he would fill with love.
Suddenly she heard a car pull up at the front of her home. Looking at the kitchen clock, she noticed that the cab was a little early. It didn’t matter. There was nothing else for her to do in the house anyway so she might as well be at the airport.
She stood and crossed to the door. Her steps were shaky and her emotions like a tiny boat riding huge waves. An unexpected tear slid down her cheek and she wiped it away with the back of her hand as she opened the door without even looking up.
‘My bags are there by the door,’ she told the cab driver as she turned away. ‘I’ll
get my handbag and coat and we can be gone.’
The driver didn’t answer her, and suddenly his scent seemed familiar. She spun around. It wasn’t a cab driver at all... Heath was standing in the doorway.
She froze for a second. Then the anger and pain that had been her only companions for two long days and nights found a voice.
‘What do you want? Haven’t you said everything there is to say? You couldn’t make the message clearer or hurt me any more if you tried.’
‘I’m so sorry, Phoebe. I’ve been the biggest idiot.’
‘Don’t do this, Heath,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘I don’t want to play games. You made it clear how you felt. And I’m not about to waste a minute longer with you and your stupid rules.’
‘I never paid attention to those rules once I met you. I just agreed with you so that you would walk away.’
Phoebe met his gaze. She wanted to look at the man who had shattered her dreams one more time. She wanted the image to burn into her heart so she could walk away and never be hurt again.
Her eyes were empty. She had cried the last tear on her way to the door.
‘But why? What did I really ever do except try to make you and Oscar happy?’
‘That’s exactly what you did—and you did even more than that. You challenged me and stood up to me and told me what I needed to hear. When even my father was too scared to tell me what I was doing was wrong, you did.’
Heath moved closer, but he did not attempt to touch her. He knew she was hurting and he knew he had caused the pain.
‘I refuse to let it be too late. I’m here because I don’t want you to leave. Not now—not ever.’
Suddenly there was the harsh blaring of a cab’s horn on the street outside. The cab had arrived on time. Phoebe jolted back to reality. She was about to leave for the other side of the world.
‘That’s my transport to the airport.’
Heath swallowed hard as he looked over to see Phoebe’s suitcases by the door. ‘I’m so sorry I asked you to leave Adelaide.’
‘Told me to, actually.’
‘I was a fool.’
‘I was too—to think that you actually cared about me.’
Her voice was flat. The bottom had fallen out of her world and she had no intention of letting him back in to hurt her again. He could not just arrive on her doorstep and expect to waltz back into her life.
‘I can undo it if you’ll let me. I’ll fly to Melbourne and sort it through with your new employer. I’ll find them a podiatric graduate. Please don’t leave, Phoebe. Don’t go to Melbourne. I want you here with me. I don’t deserve you, but I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you.’
Phoebe drew a deep breath, suddenly feeling light-headed as her heart started racing. ‘I’m not leaving for Melbourne, Heath...I’m leaving for London.’
She crossed the room in silence and, feeling a little unsteady, she picked up her handbag from the sofa.
Heath paused, momentarily stunned by the news. ‘London? Why London? I thought you wanted to take up the position in Melbourne.’
‘You assumed incorrectly. I threw that letter away because I didn’t want the job. I told you—I applied for it before I left Washington, but the moment I met you and your family I wanted to stay in Adelaide.’
Heath shook his head in disbelief at his own actions. ‘I wish I could take back everything I said that night.’
Phoebe stepped towards the door. ‘Well, you can’t.’
Her heart was still racing, her head was spinning, and she needed to get away from him. Just seeing him again, being so close to him made it hard for her to breathe. It was hard to think clearly. She didn’t want to hear the concern in his voice. She didn’t want to question her resolve to leave and never look back. To walk away from the man who had owned her heart but thrown it away. She felt overwhelmed. Heath was pleading his case but she felt so confused.
She was confused by him, by his sudden appearance and by the feelings that she felt welling inside.
She needed air. Her chest was at risk of exploding, and she felt dizzy. The heat was stifling, her head was spinning and she realised the lack of food had taken its toll. It was a recipe for disaster.
Without warning the floor lurched towards her.
And she fainted into Heath’s arms.
* * *
Phoebe’s eyes flickered as they opened. She looked up to see Heath looking down at her, and felt the warmth and strength of his arms wrapped tightly around her as he held her against his chest. They were both on the sofa.
‘What happened?’ she asked as she tried to pull away from the man she still unfortunately loved with all of her heart but who she knew didn’t love her. He had told her to leave and she was still clueless as to why he was in her house.
And why she was in his arms.
‘You fainted...and I caught you,’ he told her as he put a glass of water near her lips.
She pushed it away. ‘I don’t need anything from you.’
‘You need water—or you’ll take two steps and faint again.’
Begrudgingly she sipped the water.
‘Phoebe, I was a fool to treat you the way I did,’ he said as he put the glass on the table beside them and gently brushed the stray wisps of hair from her forehead. ‘I pushed you away because I was scared. You were like a change agent in my life, and I needed it and so did Oscar but I couldn’t accept it. I didn’t want to accept it. But I should have. I should have welcomed it, and thanked you for what you were trying to do. And I want to now.’
Phoebe inched away from Heath. She didn’t know whether to believe him. She didn’t want or need another ride on the same emotional rollercoaster.
‘I just wanted to bring happiness into your lives—and Christmas. But you hate Christmas, and I understand why, but I wanted you to understand that you have to let go and let your son enjoy the day. One day you can explain what happened. But not now. He’s too young to understand. He just needs to be a child.’
Heath nodded his agreement. ‘I thought no one felt pain the same way and that I had to carry the burden alone.’
‘I think that you are not giving anyone credit. Your father lost his daughter-in-law that day, and Tilly lost her sister-in-law. They would have felt it too. Not the same level of pain, but they would still have been hurting.’
Phoebe’s words hit a chord with Heath. Simple words that made sense. He had been so tied up in his own grief that he had not considered theirs. In five years he had not looked through any filter other than his own despair. And now he knew that Phoebe knew him better than he knew himself.
‘I just saw them all rallying around to help out with Oscar and they seemed to be fine. Their emotions were in check and...’
Phoebe shook her head. ‘Of course they seemed to be in control. There was a baby to consider. If your family had fallen into a heap they couldn’t have supported you through losing your wife or helped tend to your son. They were being strong for you, when they knew you couldn’t be.’
‘I never thought about it that way. I thought they were fine. I fell in a heap, and I had to get back up for Oscar.’ His hands were raking through his hair as he relived the darkest moments of his life. ‘That meant pushing away memories, but I didn’t want to forget. I felt so torn about that day.’
‘It’s normal not to be thinking rationally.’
‘The last thing I remember when I left the hospital the night Natasha died was the Christmas tree in the foyer. I wanted to pull it down—throw it to the ground and break it. It was so cheery, and my dreams had just died in my arms, and I couldn’t understand what there was left to celebrate. It seemed so pointless and I resented everything about it.’
Heath drew a deep breath and stared straight ahead.
‘My father drove me
to Tilly’s house and she had a Christmas tree up as well. It made me feel ill to see it, so I left and went home—and the first thing I saw was the one that Natasha had insisted on putting up a few days before she was admitted to hospital. Oscar was only five months old but she wanted us all to celebrate his first Christmas. She knew it would be her last. I swore that night, when I went home alone, that I never wanted to see another Christmas tree or celebrate the day again. There was nothing in my mind to celebrate about the day. But now I know that Christmas is about so much more than tinsel and trees—it’s about family. It’s about appreciation of those you have in your life.’
‘Yes, and Oscar needs to know in his heart, as he grows up and discovers the day his mother passed, that you don’t believe he was the cause of his mother’s death and that Christmas was a day of joy for Natasha. A day she wanted to celebrate with him.’
Heath nodded.
‘As he grows older he may feel that he robbed you of celebrating that day by being born. He may decide to take on your grief and resentment over the day. That’s a heavy burden for a little boy to carry and a tragedy if he takes it on into his life as a man.’
Heath looked at Phoebe and understood why he had fallen in love with her. She was undeniably beautiful, but she was so much more. She had an enormous heart and a level of empathy and understanding that he had never witnessed before. And she saw life for what a blessing it was and made him want to be grateful for it.
‘I thought if I ran away and pretended the day wasn’t happening I could block out the pain.’
‘I think you magnified your distress by trying so hard to ignore Christmas. It’s everywhere. And every time you saw a sign it must have ripped your heart in two and made you hate it even more.’
‘I do hate it,’ he admitted. ‘I can’t understand how everyone can go on smiling and singing carols as if nothing has happened. It’s the anniversary of Natasha’s death, and every year I feel like I am drowning in memories.’
‘Then stop fighting it, Heath. Embrace what the day meant to Natasha and how she would want you and Oscar to think of her—and the love that she wrapped around you both.’
A Mommy to Make Christmas Page 16
