by Rue Volley
“I wonder if I can touch you. I can see you.” His smile widens. “Let’s give it a try.”
Closing my eyes and waiting for his hand to make contact with my flesh is thrilling and torturous, even though his touch is not the one I crave. I still want to feel the contact of another while everything is so much more intense. The moment stretches out for long beats of time, and still I feel nothing. Disappointment settles inside of me. I guess it is too much to ask for. I open my eyes to see Levi’s hand wrapping around Jake’s wrist, preventing him from closing the distance.
“Keep your hands off of the angel,” Levi growls. It startles me, and I mist back through the wall. Both men swiftly follow me out.
* * *
“You can both see me? Oh my!” I am panicking and about to go back to my cloud. This is too much for me to handle. Marcus was right. If the Council finds out about this, my grace will be taken. I am not supposed to be seen. Sensing I was about to leave, Levi quickly closes the distance wrapping his hand around my wrist. Everything comes to a halt for me. A terrible tightness in my chest from holding my breath and a shiver rakes my body all the way to the tips of my wings. I guess I can feel touch in this state and it is electric. I watch Levi’s face go slack. Calmness is suddenly radiating from him. Jake tilts his head to the side curiously.
“The doors are locked if you would like to go human for a little while,” Jake says while walking to the door to double check the locks. I look at where Levi’s strong masculine hand still wraps around my wrist. He notices how my gaze lingers there and let’s go of me. I might as well just be corporal. They can already see me. I let myself come fully in, no longer misting between the worlds as a ghost would. I look down at myself and see the vibrant white of my sheer peplo gown. My skin is pale perfection. I am suddenly self-conscious as to what he might think of my appearance. I nervously run a hand over my hair with one hand.
Jake is all smiles except for the small pain in his eyes I’m sure this comes from missing home. Levi studies me abstractly, as if I am more of a puzzle and not a female. I find it disappointing and begin to wonder if it is my small breasts or my unshapely hips. The self-conscious feelings make me turn waspish toward him.
“Why have you been following me these past weeks?” Levi hisses at me. I am caught off guard by his crude behavior.
“I do not have to answer to you.” The nerve of him, speaking to me like I am beneath him.
“If you’re going to constantly be on my ass, I want to know what the fuck for.”
“How dare you talk to me in this manner?” I snap back at him. Both of our voices are competing for dominance over the other in snarling tones.
“I will speak any damn way I want. I’ve done nothing to warrant a visitation from you winged fucks.”
“Well I…” I cannot take any more of this. Upset, I mist out of the building completely. Anger, this is anger. I have never felt it this intensely. It is like fire in the veins and a gnawing in my gut to strike out and inflict harm.
I begin pacing the alley-way in frustration, my white-blonde hair flying around me in total disarray. The smell of rotting food and urine is an ugly back drop, matching the way I feel. How can he be so...mean. Here I am, trying to make sure the Enforcers do not get called in to smite him, and he wants to be…an asshole. I stop my movements in shock of my own choice of language even if it is only in my thoughts. Oh Deity, forgive me for using such language. There is no other word fitting enough to encompass his behavior. “Ugh!” I mutter loudly and strike my fist into the wall. I watch as pieces of brick and mortar crumble under the impact and fall to the ground. It feels good finding a physical release for my frustration.
I press my forehead against the wall. Its rough texture is not pleasant, but it grounds me. My hair falls forward, glowing in the dark of the night and acting as a curtain to block the world out. The uncomfortable pain of the wall makes me feel something other than the anger simmering inside at Levi’s reaction. I think it is silly that I entertained fantasies of showing myself to him when he feels this way toward me.
I would picture myself going fully corporal and he would see me appear and be in awe of my angelic presence. Levi would walk slowly up to me, laying his hand upon my cheek as he leans in and presses his lips to mine. Ha! It is a very laughable concept now. Thinking of it makes me wistful. Right now I much rather leave him to the fate of another Watcher so I can get past these imaginings and back to my peaceful existence. Mind made up, I close my eyes and think of home.
Leaving becomes impossible when suddenly I am being pressed forcefully against the wall, my small wings are held down against my body. The arms wrapping in a vice around me belong to Levi. Our wings give us our added strength and having them immobilized right now leaves me helpless. I take a deep breath, readying myself to combat him; show him I am no docile being. His scent filters in through the grime of the alley, and it angers me that I enjoy the light musky smell of it.
“You will answer me. I want to know why you have been following me.” He leans harder into my body, the wall now scraping the skin of my cheek. “Is what Jake was saying the truth? Have you been sent to pass judgment on me?” He pushes harder, making me grunt from the pressure. “Tell me,” he growls.
Finished with his line of questioning, I use every ounce of power at my disposal and snap my head back into his face. I feel a crunch and turn around as he lets me go.
“Mother Fuck!” He says in a muffled voice while he holds his nose, blood trickling out steadily. “Whoever said angels are gentle, were liars.” He feels around his nose, ensuring it is not broken. Even if his nose had broken, he will heal quickly as if it never happened, which is a plus side to being a half-breed. He lifts the hem of his shirt and wipes his face, smearing the blood on his chiseled cheek bones. I look down and find myself staring at the tan muscled plains of his chest, wondering what it would feel like to sink my nails into his flesh and hold on while he moves above me. He clears his throat, and I look away, embarrassed to be caught ogling him.
I speak low but with superiority, knowing it will hit a nerve with him. “You have no right to man-handle me and expect me to answer your questions.”
“But you can follow me around? Run and tell some fairy-ass-angel that it’s time to kill me for what, existing?” His voice is rising and so is my ire.
“That is not my job at all!”
“Well then, what is it?” Levi’s voice is deep and seductive even in his fury. It acts as fuel to the fire with my anger, so that it excites me.
“I watch! That is all. I just watch.”
“How long have you been ‘watching’ me for?” His question is one I am sure will upset him further.
“What does it matter?” I snap back at him, growing more and more impatient with this conversation and not wanting to see anymore anger in his gilded eyes.
“How long?” Levi asks again. Deity! The man is unrelenting.
I sigh deeply, and close my eyes not wanting to get lost any deeper in his golden gaze. “For twenty human years.” He was quiet for a long moment, so I open my eyes to find him staring at me fiercely and standing mere inches away. Even in anger, being this close to Levi makes me want to throw myself at him, just so I can feel his touch once more but in much more personal places.
“Why come here now?” His voice softens and becomes more melodic and entrancing. I almost want to give in and answer when he places his hands on either side of my head against the wall. How will he take it if I tell him I came here to be close to him? That he is my temptation and I am testing myself. He will probably laugh at me. Defiant to his request, I turn my head refusing to answer.
“Have you been able to see me this whole time?” I whisper. I try to be strong and look back into his lion-like eyes. Levi slightly leans in and the need to crush my lips to his is so much more poignant the closer he comes to me, even with the blood smear still on his face.
“Yes. Are you going to answer me?” he asks. Levi’s voice bec
omes more coaxing in tone. He rubs his cheek against mine. The stubble on his face is causing goose-bumps to break out on my skin. He slides closer to my ear and asks another question, “Why have you come to watch me this closely?” He pulls his face back just inches away now, and I can feel his breath against my lips. My body is strung so tautly in nervousness. My nipples bead, practically begging for attention and my peplo gown is unable to hide the evidence of it. I don’t know whether to run away or close the gap between us. I choose the much easier path as he focuses on my lips. I mist away thinking of only one place, home.
I feel the cool fluffiness of my cloud under my feet and sigh. I feel an awkward mix of emotions. Part of me is desperate for his touch. My heart is still racing from what contact I had. How dare he treat me like a plague and then look at me with heat in his golden eyes. What am I going to do? He is probably cursing me and my brethren. I want to look down on him to see his reaction at my disappearance. An unsettling weight in the pit of my stomach has my sight zoning in on him now. I just have to know.
“Shit!” he shouts and it echoes through the alley, scaring some stray cat into giving a yelp the moment I have him in my sight. He tugs at his jeans trying to re-arrange himself. I blush furiously as I notice he is hard and the crown of his sex peeks over the waist-band of his jeans, making me want to reach out and slide my finger over the head of his member.
“I should’ve grabbed her,” he mumbles under his breath, while walking to the door of his bar. The neon lights from the sign saying Hell’s Gates, cast an eerie light against the harsh lines of his face, making the smears of blood look black. I feel bad for a moment, but then I remember that he had me pressed against a wall and vulnerable, well, at least that is how I am going to justify it to myself.
“Where is Celine?” Jake asks and worry for me leaks from his voice. I wonder if I knew him once. It is painful that he has memory of me and I none of him. It makes me wonder all the more why he has become a Fallen.
“How’s it you know her name, and she knows nothing about you? And how in the hell did I not know you are a fallen angel? Is your name even Jake?” Levi’s ire is evidenced in his escalating smart-mouth tone.
“My name is Jacob, and it is none of your damn business why I am a Fallen. Now where the fuck did Celine go?” He says the last part mostly to himself, but Levi decides to put his own opinion in.
“I don’t know. She just disappeared, probably to tell some higher up that I need to die now rather than later.” He shrugs his shoulders trying to play it off, but I know it worries him or he would not have assaulted me in the alley. Maybe assault is too harsh a word since he was the one to leave the encounter bleeding and not I. Ha! Teaches him not to under-estimate me.
“Figures her name would be Celine, Latin for Heaven.” He licks his lips, and my breath catches as he pulls his bottom lip between his teeth.
“She probably went back home.” Jake took a deep breath and looks at Levi. “You were too hard on her. Why wouldn’t you let me touch her?” He asks throwing a wet cloth at Levi who uses it to wipe the blood off his hands and face.
“I was too hard on her? We are talking about my soul. I work too damn hard to stay out of hell for her to pass judgment on me. To tell some heavenly bureaucrat I’m not fit for heaven. Where the hell is the justice in that?” Levi sounds like a petulant child; one that is in need of a spanking. The vision of him bent over to receive a spanking is quite laughable considering his predilection for being the dominant male. Tantrum-like tone aside, the man has it all wrong. I am not going to correct him either. To correct him will be to tell him the truth. Why did he disregard Jake’s question about touching me?
“Did she say she was going to do that?” Jakes growing impatience makes him twist the towel that was over his shoulder in his hands.
“No, but she didn’t say she wasn’t going to do it either,” he scoffs, not believing Jake.
I wish I could remember Jake. I wonder if he was a Watcher or a Joy Bringer. Enforcers rarely fall and are extremely easy to spot with their stature being as large as it is.
“Look man, Celine is…well she is…”
“She is what?” Levi asks throwing the cloth back at Jake. Jake dodges the towel and it makes impact with the colorful liquor-filled bottles lining the mirror behind the bar. Levi cringes as the bottles clatter against one another and hoping they do not break.
“She is naive. Celine doesn’t understand the politics of The Council and isn’t high enough in Watcher ranks to see the serious shit. I wonder why she was assigned to your ass.” How dare he! Naïve, he calls me. Well, I’m not the fallen one. I am assigned to Levi because I’m good at my job. Why is everyone so set against me being his Watcher? Okay, maybe I did slip, in going to the earthly plane but I had no idea that a fallen and a half-breed could see me. It is not like they have a hand book.
“I just want it to stop. She has been watching me for twenty fucking years.” He sounds so disgusted. The hurt blooms rapidly inside me. I clutch a hand to my chest to try and combat the sharp ache.
Jake grunts at Levi. “Twenty? She hasn’t been assigned for too long so stop whining about it.”
“That’s almost two-thirds of my life, man! It’s an invasion.” The longer I listen to Levi, the more foolish I feel for being so enamored with him. He despises my kind.
“Time works the same in Heaven and Hell, Levi.”
“So…she has only been watching me for two years?”
“Yes, not like you can stop the nosey bastards,” Jake scoffs. I now wish I would have head-butted him as well.
“Well it’s two years too long.” Levi whines.
“It’s what she was created for. To watch is her calling.” Jake shrugs, but he is right. I am a Watcher. It is what I do.
“Listening to you and her talk about smiting me and shit was like a fucking punch to the gut.” Levi shakes his head, struggling to finish his thought. “It’s another damn reminder that heaven isn’t going to want me. I’m just biding my time here until I punch out of life. Then, I’ll be saying, ‘Welcome to my joint in hell! Don’t mind the blood, it brings a little color to the place,’ in no time at all.” He throws out his arm mimicking showing his place off. He is such a brat!
“I think she is here for another purpose, and if it’s for what I think it might be… it’s even worse than you being thrown into hell by the Enforcers.” He looks thoughtful, rubbing the attractive stubble on his chin.
“This is so fucked up… I actually didn’t mind her being around. It gave me some kind of hope. I know now it was a false hope but it was… comforting.” He pushes his hair back from his face. The look of defeat in his golden eyes makes my soul ache.
Levi mumbles, “I sound like a little bitch.”
“You really do.” Jake says laughing.
“Fuck you, man. I should be mad at you too. This entire God-damned time we’ve known each other, you say nothing,” he says with a snarky smile on his face.
“For not telling you what? That I am a Fallen? That you are being monitored by Angel Watchers? I came in here because you had an ad in the paper looking for help. It was coincidental that I’m an ex-angel and you’re a half-breed.”
“How can you tell I’m a half-breed?” Levi asks curiously.
“I knew who you were before my fall. I didn’t realize it was you until I walked in.”
“Am I on some damn blacklist?” He closes his eyes and leans back in his chair. His hands rise to his face and he rubs, forgetting I cracked him there earlier and winces.
“You are the son of a high demon. Of course you are watched.”
“Watched by everyone or just by Celine? You know what? I don’t care. They need to just stop.” His expressions and tone of voice when talking about me are just too saddening. I can listen to his animosity towards my people no more. I open my eyes to look at endless fields of mist and white. I begin to will my cloud into changing shape. I picture the park I would pass by daily while following Lev
i. The picture is vivid, but the feel is not the same. The grass under my feet is still the cool fluffiness of my cloud. I lean against a tree and the rough feel of the bark is not there to be abrasive against my skin. Just cool mist envelops me. Stupid earthly plain making me crave its textures and feel. The sensation of touch is so much more magnified, and I already yearn for it. I wrap my arms around myself and the feel of Levi’s touch is still seared into my skin. The warmth of his strong arms wrapping tightly around me and his deep voice speaking right next to my ear and vibrating against my back make me go weak-kneed. How can I want someone who despises what I am? Why would I jeopardize my calling and my grace for a touch? Do your job Celine. Just do your job.
* * *
A couple of days pass by for me until I am ready to look in on Levi. I have spent them in the heavenly libraries looking for information. Well, I was hoping there was something I could access on Jake, but I found nothing. My hands graze over the leather bound books that automatically fill in a soul’s life as they live it. I try to feel for Jake’s newly human life. It has been my only mission since deciding to take a small break from watching Levi. My curious nature drives me to learn of the reason he fell and if it is worth it. I also visit Marcus to say hello and assure him that I am healthy and whole. His face creases in lines of worry as I speak, but as to why he worries is beyond my understanding. I say nothing to incriminate myself. I simply told him that I miss my home and want to feel my cloud under my feet after being gone for weeks. Once again, the lies taste bitter, but I’m teaching myself to choke the taste down.
