She smiled. “It is, and yes I’d love some tisane.”
“I wanted to impress you by showing off one of the few words I know in French. I’m glad I got it right.”
While he busied himself preparing mugs of herb tea, Nina found she didn’t feel any stress, tension or anticipation, which often plagued her in the presence of strangers unless she had a professional linkage to them.
He brought their mugs. Taking a seat next to her he turned the chair to face her and crossed his legs as best he could for fleshy thighs. He didn’t ask the usual “What can I do for you?” or “What brings you here?”
“This is quite nice, Nina—may I call you Nina?”
“Please do.”
Between sips of tea, the mug disappearing in one of his big hands, he asked her to call him Oren.
“I said this is nice because I know you’ve wanted this meeting for a while now.”
Nina nodded. Before she could stop herself she poured out her insecurities, the reason for the conflict with Michael. “I’m an emotional time bomb looking for a place to explode. I overreact. Most of the time I feel insecure, struggling to understand who I am as a person.” She told him about Michael, not hiding that she loved him, was deeply pained over the present impasse, and that she feared it may lead to a permanent breach.
In a heartbeat the hour was over. They covered more ground than she thought possible. During this time she gave a résumé of her childhood and the troublesome areas of her marriage. In subsequent meetings there would be time for more in-depth exploration of her emotional trauma. For now, she felt heartened that she had opened the door to self-knowledge and healing. With Oren she tapped a bottomless source of wisdom and serenity; she wanted more immediately. But the elixir could be tasted only a little at a time, knowing it would be there when she needed it. She had the rest of her life to learn how to use it.
With eyes half closed he listened, leaning forward in his chair. “This may not be new to you, but let me reassure you that your life wouldn’t have been made so hard if you didn’t have the strength to face it.” He patted her hand. “Try not to worry about Michael. Give him time, he’ll come around.”
Nodding, she wondered how Oren could sound so sure, if he was psychic. But her heart lifted and she felt a measure of hope—for herself, for Michael, for their future together.
“There’s no obligation, but you’re welcome to stay for the meditation. I’ll give you a list of books to read as time allows and your need commands. Now I must prepare for the meeting. Here’s a little thought for you to meditate on until next week. I do hope you’ll come back?”
“Oh yes, I will. Now that I’ve found you I’ll keep coming back.”
“You do that, Nina.” He handed her a folded piece of paper the size of a calling card. On the front was the image of the graceful hands holding the sphere of light. Inside was the inscription: “Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered; no one was there.”
Her breath caught in her throat from surprise at Oren’s insightfulness. They’d talked about many things, but hadn’t touched on fear. Somehow, she’d given off vibes of apprehension, and Oren had felt them.
“If you have questions or need to talk between meetings, call any time. If you’re determined to make the spiritual path a part of your journey, it can be tough at times. Never worry that you disturb.”
“Thank you, that’s good to know.” She didn’t quite understand why this path would be tough. She felt reassured that she could call him should she need to.
“Will you stay for the meditation?”
“Yes, I’d like to. I used to enjoy meditating in the past, but I’ve let the habit slip.”
Some thirty people, men and women of all ages, gathered for the meditation. Like everybody else, Nina removed her shoes. She sat in one of the armless chairs against the long wall facing the bookcase, holding hands with a toothless tiny slip of a woman on her left and a black man, perspiring profusely, on her right. The meeting started with Oren reading off a list. She heard the names of Michael, his sons, daughters-in-law, grandsons, Cindy, Sophie, her own, and many more. Later, she would ask him if he would include the names of her children, the twins and Jean-Luc.
After he pronounced the last name he folded the list, placed it on the podium and asked that the will of the Supreme Being be done for these people. The lights were dimmed, and Nina lost all sense of time and space. She heard a low hum. Concentrating on the sound, it invaded her. When it was over she was aware of two things; forty minutes had passed in the time of a heartbeat, and she was different, although she would be hard pressed to say how.
Wanting to prolong the uncommon harmony, Nina took the long way home. Peace filled her. For once, the committee of crowding thoughts and warring feelings were stilled. She didn’t think, didn’t question, didn’t try to analyze. Worry about Michael was a distant murmur—for now. Something told her she had been led to discover an element that would ultimately heal her soul.
Chapter 31
The scythe of the new moon peeked in through the living room window as Nina opened the door for Sophie. She got a whiff of lavender and freshly ironed blouse as Sophie handed her a square white box.
“I don’t know about you, but I’ve had dinner. Here’s Key Lime Pie for dessert.”
Nina took the box, brushed her cheek against Sophie’s, and preceded her into the kitchen. “My favorite. Thank you. Coffee?”
“Decaf, please, if you have it.”
Starting the coffee, Nina set the table in the den with cups and dessert platters.
Heaving a deep sigh, Sophie flopped into the recliner, kicking off her sandals. “What bliss to get off my feet. I just had time to drop by my house to grab a quick shower and change clothes. For the past several days I’ve had appointments back to back. I’ve shown so many properties I’ll dream of houses.”
“Sell anything?”
“You bet. It’s a seller’s market. The buyers are crazy. They’d buy anything, at any price. Want to sell your house? I can get double the price you paid.”
Nina’s head came up with a snap, staring at Sophie. “I just bought it! This is my home, it’s not for sale.”
“I’m only kidding.”
Nina poured the coffee, adding a cloud of Half & Half to Sophie’s, and tucked her legs under her on the couch. Without preamble she plunged in. “Last week when you came knocking on my door I wasn’t on my best behavior. Can you forgive me?”
Stirring her coffee, Sophie glanced at her. “What was wrong with you? Michael almost beat down my front door, told me some incoherent story about Kevin’s birthday and you leaving him. He asked me to come over to talk to you, so I did. What happened?”
Nina thought before answering. “We’d spent the most wonderful time together. I think I can safely say I’ve never been happier. Greed got the better of me and I wanted more time with him. I was disappointed, felt excluded and abandoned when he told me he had to attend Kevin’s birthday party that night. When you rang my doorbell, I was in the middle of an emotional hurricane. I should have opened, but I was sick with worry about Michael and me.”
“No need to apologize, Nina. I’ve been there.” She ate a forkful of Key Lime Pie. “Then what happened? Your house looked deserted for a few days—no lights, no movement. I tried phoning a couple of times, but when I only got your machine I didn’t leave a message. Did you go away or something?”
“Hurt and angry, I went to New York on a lecture assignment. Just got back yesterday. I left word for Michael, but he thought I’d left him.”
Sophie leaned elbows on knees and stared into the depths of her coffee cup. She raised her gaze, serious and unblinking. “Hmm, at least you’re not taking things lying down, I’ll give you that. Takes courage to go out of town on a lecture tour, leaving Michael to percolate in ignorance about your intenti
ons.” She took a sip of coffee. “Excluded and abandoned, huh? I’m going to give it to you straight, Nina—get a grip on yourself and your insecurities, or you risk breaking your relationship.”
Nina listened, her heart beating fast from anxiety. “Too late. The damage is done. Michael said he won’t see me, he needs time to think.” She cleared her throat, clogged from emotions. “I did it—chased him away.”
“Oh my.” Sophie bent closer and gripped Nina’s hand. “I know Michael, he’s caring and understanding. Your clutching, dependent behavior upset him. He needs time to think. Be wise, let him have his space, wait him out.”
Eyes closed, Nina leaned her head against the back of the couch.
Sophie’s voice was stern. “I don’t know how, but you must get rid of that insecurity and inferiority or you’ll ruin everything. Nina, if you love him, you’ll be all right. Do you? Love him, I mean?”
“Yes. Without a doubt I love him. I didn’t plan it to happen, but he’s triggered feelings I didn’t know I had. They’re so intense they leave me breathless.” Nina’s sigh was heavy. “I’m not defending myself, but I miss my family and home, a sense of belonging, and that brings on the immature behavior. Andre’s many affairs haven’t boosted my sense of self as a woman.”
Nina sat still, eyes half-closed. Then she resumed, “While I was in New York I had a startling insight. In a flash I saw that whenever I felt insecure and lacked self-confidence my mode of behavior had been to escape. Instead of facing a sticky situation, I would run away. In the past, when I still worked, I could pretend there was a pressing business trip, one that ‘happened’ at a convenient moment. This time with Michael, it was the same pattern all over—I ran away from a situation I didn’t know how to handle. When I returned I was faced with the same dilemma, except now it’s much worse because Michael is upset, withdrawing from me. I’m a full grown woman with the emotional age and fragility of a teenager.”
Nina fought the tears. “I saw Oren Jones today; I plan to continue seeing him for guidance. I hope he can help—I’m in a hurry to grow up.”
Sophie patted her hand. “That’s good news. You couldn’t have made a better choice. Good luck.” She drained the last drops of coffee. “Try not to worry about Michael. Everything will turn out for the best. It may sound like a platitude, but I’ve yet to see it fail.” She stuck her feet in the sandals and stood, reaching her arms to the ceiling, stretching. “God, I’m tired. Mind if I leave you?”
“Certainly not.” Nina stood, too. “Thanks for listening. I’m glad we cleared the air. Friends?”
“You bet. You’re a great gal—I’ve always thought so. Try having a little faith, and all will be well.” Sophie walked the length of the living room and let herself out the front door before Nina could accompany her. “Good night,” she called over her shoulder.
Sophie and Oren both telling her to give Michael time. Right this minute she wasn’t quite so heartbroken over Michael, clutching at hope that he would be back.
Before going to bed Nina checked her e-mail. Seeing a message from Lillian, she hesitated to open it, her heart jumping in her chest from hope and anxiety. Lillian seldom went online, preferring the more personal touch of the phone. The message could only mean Lillian had something private on her mind. Nina longed to go to bed, to drop off to sleep, but with a sigh she sat in her desk-chair and opened the mail from Lillian.
“Mami, something awful happened tonight,” the message read. No preamble, no greeting, least of all an apology that she’d changed her mind about the twins’ visit. Lillian plowed ahead, a sure sign she was upset. “Papa came for dinner and brought that woman. When I invited him, he asked if she was welcome. I said I preferred not right now, some time later. This is terrible. What is he thinking about? I need to talk to you. Call me, Mami, any time. Lillian.”
Nina groaned. André was foolish. He should know by now how Lillian felt about the divorce and the disillusion his most recent love affair had caused.
It was past close to six am by Lillian’s time, but Nina couldn’t postpone calling if she wanted to catch her before she left for work. Taking a deep breath, she made a conscious effort to put her problems and disappointments to the side.
Lillian answered after the first ring.
“Hi, chérie. Just read your e-mail.”
“Mami!” She burst into loud sobs. “I’m so glad you called. You read my message? Isn’t it awful? What am I going to do?”
“To begin with you need to calm down.” Nina heard the deep intake of breath.
“Please tell me what to do.”
“There’s precious little you can do, honey. It’s your father’s life, he has the right to live it as he wants, like everybody else.”
“I can’t stand that woman. To think that you’ve hardly left France, and he’s already replaced you.”
Well, I may have replaced him, too. “It probably happened before I left, but that’s immaterial. I’ve said before, you need to have a conversation with Papa, and soon.”
“What about?”
“He needs to know how you feel, chérie. Instead of telling me, you need to let him know he’s disappointed you, that you hurt.”
“Will that change things? Will he stop seeing her?”
“I don’t know. Papa loves you. If he knows how painful it is for you to see him with another woman right now—and the accent is on right now—he may be more considerate of your feelings. As to not seeing his friend, isn’t that asking a lot? You can’t run Papa’s life, like you can’t run mine.”
“Can’t you talk to him, Mami?”
“Lillian! I thought we brought you up to be self-sufficient and confident. You’re a grown-up woman, you have to fight your own battles. Papa and I, as a couple, are in the past. I wouldn’t meddle in his life any more than I would allow him to stick his nose in my business.”
“You’re not really helping me. I thought I’d try to tell Papa it’s too early to flaunt this woman in front of us. The twins …”
“Lillian, stop it. Leave the twins out of this. I’m sure you’ve explained to them about Papa and me. I know I have. When you talk to Papa you can only speak in your own name. You’ve always placed him on a pedestal; it’s time to grow up, accept that he’s human with human failings. Get on with your life. You have a good marriage, two wonderful daughters. Quit crying over what you’ve lost, it will only give you mottled skin and puffy eyes.”
Lillian sniffled. “Oh Mami, I miss you. I wish you were here.”
“I’m sure you do, but this is going to turn out to be the best that could happen to you. Sometimes we don’t let go until we’ve run out of options, have our backs against the wall.”
The line went silent. Then Lillian’s voice, firmer now, resumed. “What do you think will happen when I talk to Papa?”
“Don’t get your hopes up that he’ll leave this woman because you disagree. You’ll feel much better, that’s for sure. I’m willing to bet it’s going to improve your and Papa’s relationship. It usually does when things are out in the open.” She looked at the dark window, seeing her own reflection. “Now, what about the twins? I hope you’ve changed your mind about their visit this summer?”
The silence on the line grew. “Lillian?” thinking they’d been cut off.
“Yes, Mami, I’m here.” Another silence. “I was wrong, and you were right—it’s going to do the twins a lot of good to spend time with you. I’m sorry if I’ve upset you. I didn’t mean to, but it seemed so difficult to be separated from them.” A sigh whispered in Nina’s ear. “Can you forgive me? Please?”
Nina felt a smile stretch her lips until she was ginning with her whole face. She laughed. “Of course I’ll forgive you. Oh, Lillian, I am so happy I could fly.” She glanced at her watch. “My darling, it’s very late, I’m off to bed.”
“You�
�re not angry at me?”
“Not any more, I’m not. A big kiss and lots of love.”
“To you, too. Thanks, Mami.”
After she hung up, Nina sat for a long time replaying the conversation in her mind. She chuckled to herself. Essentially, she had said to Lillian what Sophie had told her earlier that night. The sisterhood of women—I receive, and in order to keep it, I have to pass it on to somebody else. Her words to Lillian hammered home her own determination to grow and change. With all her heart she wanted to become an adult, to find freedom that only self-confidence could bring. She wanted to stop being a child.
Chapter 32
The days following her meeting with Oren and the conversation with Sophie helped Nina stay firm in her resolve to give Michael time to understand where he wanted their relationship to go. Missing him was like a rash that no scratching would soothe. Time and again she found herself staring at the phone. When it rang her heart stopped beating, then raced with maddening rhythm. She could hardly hold the handset in her shaky fingers. Her frustration was like ashes in her mouth when the caller wasn’t Michael. On hearing the impersonal voice of a solicitor, she wanted to smash the phone.
When she awoke in the morning, she groaned, fractious at having to face yet another day without Michael. Going to bed at night she congratulated herself for having stuck it out, going through her habitual routine of workout at the gym, writing, chatting with the twins. Ever so often she stared out the living room window hoping to see his car in Brian’s driveway. She longed to visit Brian and Samantha to feel closer to Michael, abstaining not to embarrass him and herself in case he came by while she was there.
Examining her empty and monotonous life Nina contemplated getting involved in some activities to meet people. Still hoping Michael would return to her, she refrained. With him in her life she would be involved in counseling at the clinic, the twins would visit in the summer. The timing was off for committing herself. There’s time, later, if he’s really gone from me. Tears welled up in her eyes at the thought that her character flaws had chased him away. Despite all her efforts to concentrate on her novel, the black thoughts took root. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself. Remembering Oren’s encouragement to call if she needed, she dug in the belly of her oversized purse for his card. She dialed, taking shallow breaths while she waited for him to answer.
Life Is A Foreign Language Page 22
