The first tear of frustration falls down my cheek, which feels warmed from too much wine and anger. I refuse to let a second tear fall in front of them.
Putting my wine glass down on a nearby table, I walk out the side door and into the darkness as Holly and Corinna arrive at the front door. As I exit through the back, I hear the eruption begin behind me.
I don’t have a Freeman-level family fight in me tonight. Not after the one-two punch from Phil and Ali.
I head down the path toward the lake before I walk to my cottage, needing to get what Ali said out of my head—caring only about money, selling myself for the family.
Nothing but a whore for Daddy. But you like it, don’t you baby…
My stomach can’t hold on and I promptly throw up all over the grass.
As I’m retching, all the thoughts I try to keep locked out of my head come flooding in. Smack. Oh God, they’re tying me down to the bed. Smack. The feel of a dirty gag in my mouth. Smack. Twisting my head. No, I can’t see. The feel of their bodies on me. Biting, grunting, sweaty smells. Smack. Pain. Stop, stop, stop! I can’t take it anymore!
I’m so lost in my nightmare that when a soothing hand lands on my back, I let out a blood-curdling scream.
“Cassidy.” My handsome brother-in-law, Jason. He’s holding out his handkerchief and my coat.
I look at him with my eyes burning, feral. They gleam like a wild animal. “She had no right to say that, Jason. I’m not a whore. I was never a whore.”
He faces me directly, not moving. “I know, Cassidy.”
“Is that what they think of me? What you think of me? What you all say when I’m not around?” The dam that’s been holding back the tears since Ali’s words were spoken bursts, and the tears flow down my cheeks.
“You know that’s not true, Cassidy,” Jason whispers, sadly.
Do I?
I stumble down the path and sit at the lake’s edge, pulling my knees to my chest. I’m not sure how long I sit there before I hear behind me, “Cassidy, can I sit? I don’t want to scare you.” Jason’s voice is soothing.
I can’t fucking speak, but I must make some sort of assenting sound because Jason moves closer.
“Here, you’re going to get cold. I didn’t think you’d want to go back in there.” Jason wraps my coat around my shoulders before sitting.
We don’t speak. I’m pretty sure Jason is just out here to make sure I’m calm and warm, but he surprises me with his next words. “It was a night like this when I first met Ryan. He was in the alley outside of a bar, sobbing.” Jason looks over to see if I’m listening and holds out the handkerchief. Warily, I take it, wondering where he’s going with this. “Caleb is older by a few years. Five maybe? I don’t remember. When Ryan told him he was gay, Caleb was right there, had his back. But he was deployed shortly thereafter. He was overseas for years, but he was in constant contact with Ryan. Every opportunity he had, he told Ryan how proud he was of him. He’s a good guy, Cassidy, despite whatever happened today in your office.”
I nod. I still can’t speak, but I want him to continue. Somehow, I know there’s a reason he’s sharing this story.
“Ryan’s father died around that time.” Jason’s voice is sad. “He looked up to his father for so many things.” His voice hardens significantly. In my current state where I’ve just returned from my childhood memory of enraged voices, it makes me more than a little uncomfortable. “Then there was their bitch of a mother, Mildred. The night I met Ryan, he was crying in the rain, wearing nothing but boxers and a T-shirt soaked in blood. He didn’t have on shoes. I worried about internal injuries, but he refused to go to a hospital. I carried him to my car, called Dr. Harris, and brought them both to my place. I was an intern, so I was way outside my area of expertise. I asked if he had family to call and he said he had none. The only family he would trust was in the military overseas.” Jason takes a deep breath. “It became obvious fairly quickly that keeping Ry at my place was tantamount to his safety.”
What? Why? My head is spinning with wanting to ask, but I’m still trapped in my memories.
“Ryan was on the verge of being killed or committing suicide. His life was a different version of the hell I imagine you lived through before finding Phillip.” He raises a dark eyebrow and turns back to face the lake. “Only in this case, because of who Ryan was, the only way I could think of to keep him protected was to be engaged to him.”
Pausing, Jason turns to fully face me. “Phil, Ryan, and now you, Cass, are the only ones in the world that know I was never engaged to Ryan. I can only assume he’s told his fiancé. I have no idea if he ever told his brother.” Jason takes a deep breath. “At the time, it was the only way I could think of to protect a beautiful young man by getting him out of the house he was living in, short of pressing charges, which he refused to let us do. Ryan’s mother was beating him senseless over being gay.” I hear the fury in his voice when he says, “Twenty-two, Cass. Barely home from college, he told us at night he would get so sleepy, he’d have to go lie down. When he would wake later, he would be strapped down to his bed with someone in a mask beating him to a pulp. Not that he could put up much of a fight. Sometimes it was a ski mask, sometimes a clown mask, sometimes hockey mask; anything to cover their face. Later when Ry was off the drugs and he could think clearly, he reasoned it was someone on his mother’s staff he’d be able to recognize. They had him on so much stuff there was no way he’d be able to fight back. It was the only reason he could figure. They would lay him on his back, spread apart his legs and whip him with a belt. He was too drugged to fight them off. If it wasn’t for the bruising he’d find the next day, and the hangover from the drugs in his system, he swore he would have thought it was a dream. It was more like a perpetual nightmare, day and night.”
I gasp, but I don’t think Jason even hears me.
“Ryan lived with me for two years. We were friends until I met your brother. Best friends, actually. Remember the day I met you all? At Candlewood Lake? What’s it been, eight years?”
I nod.
“I talked with you guys for hours after Phil landed on me. It was like a punch to the gut, what I felt when I met Phil. It still is.” Jason looks at me. “Don’t tell him, though. He doesn’t need his ego stroked any more than it already is.”
I manage a feeble smile as Jason continues. “Ryan freaked out that night. We got back to the apartment and he lost it,” he says sadly. “To be honest, I was so wrapped up in that first meeting with Phil, so absorbed, I didn’t think about Ryan or how he would feel, until I went to get my stuff and Ryan was waiting for me. I told him to stop acting like an idiot, that we were friends. He screamed at me that I was his fiancé and tried to kiss me. I pushed him away. I couldn’t figure out what was going on with him, and I can only imagine the things I said. But as he stood there with tears in his eyes, I realized his feelings had changed.”
He takes a deep breath, his eyes fixed on the farm where his husband is still arguing.
“I loved Ryan as a friend. He was the closest thing to a brother I had. But I had no intention of ever taking it any further. That night, I told him to go to bed, and that we would talk in the morning. He left, leaving only a note for me.”
Jason turned to face me fully. “How could I experience such happiness when I never knew if Ryan was alive or dead after he left? After meeting Phil, you, and the girls, and seeing what you’d built with each other, it made it in some ways harder to bear. Here you were, a family, and I let a brother down.”
My heart is breaking in my chest for Ryan, Jason, and my brother who never shared these struggles. The tears begin to slide down my face and Jason reaches out his hand, but pauses. I know he won’t touch me in my current state unless I say it’s okay, so I give him an small nod. He brushes the tears away, wiping away traces of vomit along with them, I’m sure.
“I can’t tell you Ryan’s side of the story because that’s his story to share. I felt so damn guilty that I’d inadvertentl
y hurt someone I knew was in a place of pain already. Phil told me what happened earlier today and I want you to know that I asked him to give Ryan the family discount. I expected Phil to have given you some warning, but he’s so accustomed to protecting your secrets. I shouldn’t be surprised he held mine so closely. You have to understand, to me, Ryan is and always will be my family, despite our not speaking. When Ryan contacted Phil to put out feelers about the possibility of using Amaryllis Events, I figured he might be reaching out. It’s not like he doesn’t know who Phil is.” Jason lets out a derisive snort. “Hell, with the Lockwood money, there are a million places he could have gone. All I knew was that Ryan had asked for dinner last night and the meetings today. I thought Phil would have at least given you some kind of background, but not fifteen minutes before the meeting. I never imagined it would have led to this. You know I never would have forced you to go back there,” he whispers fiercely.
Jason takes a deep breath. “You see, Cass, it wasn’t entirely Phil’s fault your day went to shit. I never meant for this to bring you to that place.”
“Why didn’t anyone tell me this before? Didn’t you think I would understand?” I plead, still hearing Ali’s words, and the memories of long ago in my own head. Smack! Whore. Smack!
“Of course, I knew you would. But when we talked over dinner last night, Ryan indicated Caleb wanted to meet you first. I have no idea why. But I will say you need to be at the top of your game with this wedding, Cass. Caleb’s methods may have been asinine, but if he knows by now, he has reasons, and damn good ones.”
“Caleb may have reasons, but no one gets one of our weddings caught up in the middle of their issues, Jason. Just like no one will ever imply I’m a whore again, family or not,” I respond coldly. My body is rigid with tension, and not from the cold fall night permeating my bones.
Jason lets out a low sound. “I’m sure you’ll find a suitable punishment only you can think of, Cassidy. I’m not even going to warn Ali or my husband because he deserves it for being a clueless dick and not warning you before that meeting. He stripped you of the one thing you crave—your control.”
It’s amazing how insightful Jason is.
He stands and reaches for my hand to help me up. Pulling me in for a quick, hard hug, he whispers, “As for Phil, I’d start with getting him breve lattes for the next month with extra whip.” After holding me tightly for a moment, Jason winks before walking away, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
I stand still, listening to my brother-in-law’s footsteps crunching on the gravel path, back up the trail. When he opens the door to step back into the barn, I can hear the screaming still going strong.
Knowing that battle could take a while, I decide to walk around the lake to my house. My emotional state has been all over the place and I need some space. What a fucking day.
7
Caleb
I kick back in the rooftop deck chair, wondering how things went with Amaryllis Events. “What happened after I left today?”
Internally, I’m still reeling from the contents of the file. Angry. Boiling over with rage over what had been done to six young children. Although, I think Phil might argue he wasn’t a child when the abuse stopped.
I was fucking infuriated by multiple systems which failed those children repeatedly. And after meeting the family that made themselves into a wild success from nothing, I was more impressed than I’ve likely ever been in my life. Including with the man who married into them, Jason Ross.
When I gave up my commission three years ago and came home to find Ry, he was no longer a wreck and I was grateful. For years over Skype, he’d been shaken to the core over a breakup he’d described as his first real relationship. Until he met Jared about five years ago, he refused to talk about why. Turns out, it was his embarrassment over how he walked out on Jason, leaving only a note when the relationship ended. Now, having read the file, I know he walked away from a friendship that saved him from our cunt of a birth vessel.
My hands tighten and almost crush the Baccarat tumbler of Bowmore I hold in my hand.
I’m brought back from my own thoughts, realizing I had zoned out.
“Caleb? You okay?” Ryan asks, perplexed.
“Sorry, brother.” I will myself to relax and lift my drink to my lips. “I keep thinking about a file dropped on my desk a few days ago. Can’t get my mind off it.”
“I know you can’t talk about your cases,” Ry starts, the concern he feels written all over his face. I watch as he shifts subtly toward Jared, and they communicate silently for a moment. A smile threatens my lips as I watch their interaction. “We’re here for you. For anything.”
“Thanks.” I shrug my shoulders to release the tension residing there and push the contents of the Freeman file from my mind. “I’m interested in what happened with the wedding planners. I was under the impression there might have been a small explosion after I left.”
Ryan sits back. “What makes you say that?” he asks curiously.
As I begin to recount the hour before Ryan and Jared walked through the door, I lose myself in the story. I’m not going to lie, thinking about Cassidy Freeman is detrimental to my sanity. The little pixie is a knockout with an incredible brain and a smart mouth. I close my eyes, replaying the hour spent with her. My heart kicks up a few beats thinking of her eyes, with swirls of blue and green framed by long dark lashes. So expressive when her passion kicks in like it did when she was in her element, planning Ry’s wedding.
I wonder what color they’d turn if I slid my lips over hers, or while I cupped my hands over her luscious ass? I’m getting hard just thinking about it, and I know I shouldn’t want to touch her. She’ll likely never want to be touched by any man.
Fuck.
I recount the horror on Cassidy’s face when I didn’t disagree to being one of the grooms. The hilarity of how she threatened to chop off all of Phillip Freeman-Ross’ hair. Being impressed with how efficiently she runs their business.
I know I’m smiling. I’m waiting for Ry and Jared to burst out into laughter.
What I get is a shrieking that would rival a twelve-year-old girl meeting Justin Bieber.
“Are you out of your damn mind, Caleb? What in the hell were you thinking? No wait, I can answer that. You weren’t. Not with the brain on your fucking shoulders,” Ry rails at me.
What the hell?
My brother is stalking around the coffee table, waving his hands in the air. I risk a glance at Jared, but he merely shakes his head. Shit, no help there.
“What’s your problem, Ry? You wanted me to find out if she was professional enough. I did. Admirably, if I do say so myself.” I mentally congratulate myself.
“You were there to find out if she could take you on and what? Give in like every other insipid woman you meet does? So, you decided to humiliate her, Caleb? Because that’s damn well what you did. You humiliated a woman for nothing more than what? Revenge for what you think happened between me, her brother, and her brother-in-law?” Ryan snaps.
Leaning forward, I put the tumbler on the table. “What if I did, Ry? Reading between the lines over multiple Skype calls, one of which almost got me shot, Jason humiliated you.” Ryan’s face pales and he rears back at my verbal attack. Jason didn’t humiliate Ry, but it was time my brother manned up and told me that. “You two”—pointing at Ry and Jared—“are about to drop a whack to him indirectly. Why in the fuck would you do that?”
Ryan’s shoulders slump. “I told you—”
I hold up my hand, cutting him off. “I know what you said about the company, and now that I’ve met with them, I agree with you. I still don’t get it though. Why them? We can afford anyone, and you turn over several million dollars to plan your wedding to the family of your ex-fiancé? Are you trying to make him jealous? Don’t you think that deserves more than the average push on a new employee interview?”
Ryan starts trembling and turns to look at Jared who holds out his hand. Ryan walks away from me
and resumes his seat next to his fiancé, his chest heaving.
I reach for the Scotch and hold it up to the two men in front of me before relaxing back in my chair. After receiving nods and topping off their glasses, I lean back and say one word. “Explain.”
Silence.
“Now!” I bark out.
Ry takes a deep breath and says, “I was never engaged to Jason Ross, Caleb.”
I raise an eyebrow, but don’t say anything. I tip my glass at him to continue.
“Jason was my savior, my protector, and my best friend. God, I was so lost, so hurt, so alone. He found me one night after…and well, he saved me. During the time we lived together, he gave me so much.” Ry looks at Jared, his cheeks flushing. “I don’t know when my feelings for him started to change, but they did. Call it gratitude or hero worship. I’m sure there are a half a dozen names for it.”
I don’t let my facial expression change, willing him to get to the point where I can ask questions.
“It was long after we were living together when Jason and I went to Candlewood Lake one day. The Freemans were there. I don’t know how we’d never ran into them before. As you know, they’re all beautiful,” he muses, lost in his own memories. “Together, they’re absolutely stunning.”
While I agree, I need him to move on to what I want to hear.
“Jason had jumped into the water to cool off and was near the docks. I was sitting on the beach, people watching, when I heard a round of laughter from their group, and saw Phil pick up a voluptuous brunette, Corinna, and toss her in the lake. She was able to pull him in with her, where he practically landed on top of Jason. And that’s how they met. A completely random act.”
Free to Dream Page 6
