by Trina M. Lee
He gave me a look that said he knew there was so much more than I’d been letting on. Tears flooded my eyes, and I made a pathetic attempt to blink them away.
“I let him die thinking I hated him.” My lower lip trembled, and I felt the sob seconds before it broke from me.
I couldn’t say anymore, and he didn’t push me. As he pulled me carefully into his arms, I sunk against his comforting embrace.
For the first time in a long time, I dropped all my guards and allowed myself to feel raw emotion as I sobbed into the hollow of his neck. So recently, I’d held Raoul in much the same way as his hot tears streaked moist paths along my skin.
I hated that I hadn’t realized. I hadn’t known it was the last time we would ever have a chance to leave our bitterness aside. Perhaps, that was our closure. If only I’d known…
The entire day passed in bed with my white wolf at my side. When Arys came by that evening, I had just convinced Shaz to go to work; I insisted a day of healing had already done wonders for me. He didn’t want to leave me, but after I promised to stay home with Kylarai, he begrudgingly went and swore that he’d be back after last call.
Arys filled me in; he’d arranged Raoul’s house to look like a break in. The authorities labeled him a missing person of interest in the murders of his lovers. Despite a nationwide manhunt, he would never be found.
Arys turned serious; he pulled my chin up so that I was forced to meet his eyes. I felt the quiver of power begin deep down inside.
“I know it’s my fault that you were hurt so badly. I can’t tell you how terrible I feel,” he said; the strange silence surrounding us thickened. “Your wolf is right. I don’t deserve to have what it is we share.”
His admission, though touching, was wrong. “Arys, that’s not true. I know you’d never do anything to intentionally endanger me. I trust you.”
I realized then that we were all carrying around guilt. And whatever for? It wasn’t doing any one of us a damn bit of good.
Arys was careful not to touch me too much. His sly, mischievous tendencies were absent, and without them, his comfort felt shallow. Still, he refused to leave my side until Shaz returned.
Once Shaz’ blue Cobalt turned into the driveway, the vampire leaned in so close that I was unable to resist him. He pressed his lips firmly against mine and pushed healing energy into me as he had before.
My pulse quickened and leapt as my blood pressure rose. Our auras blended and a rejuvenating breeze swept throughout my insides. The warm tingle that began in my stomach slowly spread to encompass my entire being, and I gasped when he broke the contact and rose to leave.
“I have to go.” He looked like he wanted to stay as badly as I wanted him to. “I have to feed this bloodlust before dawn. I don’t want it to rise between you and your wolf when you’re in such a weakened state.”
“I can’t shift for three days. Promise you’ll come to me if you can’t go that long.” I could see that he was itching to go before Shaz made his way inside, but I wanted his word.
He gave a silent nod but didn’t touch me, as if he didn’t trust himself. I longed for him and the energy humming around us, so I appreciated his restraint.
“Will you come by tomorrow if I’m not up to going out?”
“I promise.” He drew an X over his heart, blew me a kiss, and disappeared through the door. His footsteps were silent as he went.
Shaz’ frown told me that he’d passed the vampire on his way in, but when I held my arms out to him, the complaint died on his lips. I needed the comfort that only came from him. I never wanted to make the mistake with Shaz that I had with Raoul by hiding my true feelings.
“I need you,” I whispered when he closed the bedroom door and turned to me. “Just hold me.”
When his warm nakedness curled around me, I snuggled in close and enjoyed the scent of Shaz and his intoxicating Were blood, even the scent of the bar. Each smell was a comfort all its own.
I curled my fingers in the soft hair at the nape of his neck; his presence soothed my aching.
“Never leave me.” I heard my own sleepy voice murmur the words against his ear with candid and vulnerable but honest emotion.
“Never.” His embrace tightened just enough to be possessive, and my wolf relaxed, satisfied.
I was right where I wanted to be. The world could have stopped right then, and I would have died happy.
Chapter Twenty-One
I never did find Zoey’s body. Oh, I tried. The trail ended two blocks from Raoul’s house, at the creek. Despite a vampire attack and one hell of a beating, she’d survived. I knew it.
Since that night at Raoul’s, I’ve picked up her scent more than once in the forest where we run. It’s always days old and never too strong, as if she’d been there only briefly.
Was it a taunt? An open challenge to destroy her? Or was it a desperate plea for help?
I don’t care. The need for her death is deep in me. Only the challenge in Raoul’s eyes as he lay dying stops me, though I don’t know why. I wonder all the time why he chose to give his life to her. The real estate career, fancy house and flocks of women that had ruled his existence had meant nothing in comparison to what Zoey believed.
He’d wanted her to believe in his love, and he felt the only way to show her was to give her vengeance. At the end of the day, my feelings didn’t really matter. He simply waited too long to reach out to her. But, I know all too well that the reasoning behind some of our decisions doesn’t stand to reason at all.
I was back on my feet within the three days that Fox had estimated. An ugly scar marked where the largest shard had impaled me. That, too, would eventually fade to nothing.
Over a week after Raoul’s death, Arys shared with me what he’d found. He had called for me, adamant that I come to see him at his house.
Instinct told me, without a doubt, that it was bad news. He made me promise to run first to “get the wolf out” before arriving at his place after midnight, alone. I ran with Kylarai in order to avoid telling Shaz that I was going to see the vampire.
As I filled with dread, I couldn’t begin to guess why. I was shaking all the way down to my little black sandals when I rang Arys’ doorbell.
His solemn expression did nothing to ease my anxiety. He drew me into the well-lit kitchen, took my light jacket, and offered me a hot chocolate. I couldn’t stand this beating around the bush.
“Alright, spit it out.” I tossed my hair out of my face and took a deep breath.
“Whatever it is that you have to say to me, get on with it. The suspense is driving me mad.”
He wouldn’t meet my eyes, and I followed his gaze to the white envelope lying on the round wooden kitchen table.
“I haven’t anything to say.” He picked up the envelope and fingered it lightly. “I found this in Raoul’s study, taped to the bottom of a desk drawer. I was combing the place for anything unusual that the cops would be better off not finding.”
He paused, and I knew that he’d already read it. “It wasn’t sealed or addressed to anyone from the outside so I opened it. I have to warn you, Alexa, what you read here will change you forever.”
My mouth went dry, and I stared blankly at the stark white envelope in his hand.
“Why bring me here? Why not give it to me when you came to see me?”
“I wanted to be sure you were back on your feet. I’m not hiding it; this just seemed safer.”
“Why?” My heart was racing, and I was truly afraid.
“Read it. Unless you don’t want to.”
Of course, I had to. Raoul had left something for me, something, perhaps, that he’d wanted to say to me. I stared at the letter warily but accepted it from Arys’ outstretched hand.
My hands shook, and I fumbled to slip the lined paper from the envelope. As I unfolded it, a battle waged between my head and my heart. To open or not to open.
The letter was recent, dated the same day as our last real discussion. As I began to read, ev
erything in me gradually came undone.
Alexa, A part of me prays that you never learn of this while I live, but I fear my time will be cut short, and I cannot go to my grave with this haunting me.
I have always loved you and regard you with more respect than you will ever believe. I know that you feel little for me, and for that, I am both saddened and relieved.
After Naomi’s death, I swore never to love again. Love had become a plague to me, one that withered everything it touched. But then, I met your mother, and I loved her at first sight.
Trapped in an unhappy marriage, she came to me for the comfort and attention your father no longer gave. She grew to love me, too. Upon discovering this, your father became desperate to save their marriage. I did all that I could to hold on to her, but her vows and family came first. She soon told me it was over. I would have done anything for your mother. She meant so much to me, and I only wish I could have walked away and allowed her to be happy like she so deserved.
Instead, I gave in to my weakness, the possessive nature of the wolf inside. The bitter taste of rejection brought back terrible memories of Naomi, and with it, all of the pain and rage that I’d suppressed for so many years. I flew into a jealous rage and committed the most horrendous act of my existence.
After all this time, I still cannot believe you do not recognize me, the monster behind my eyes. I murdered your family and made you a werewolf. Words won’t express my regret. I never imagined that I could take the life of someone I so loved.
You may hate me, but I assure you, I have hated myself more than you can imagine.
I will never forgive myself for what I’ve done.
I need you to know that I would beg your forgiveness, if I thought it would earn me even a little. There is nothing I can do; I know this.
I have altered my will to leave you everything except a small trust fund set aside for Zoey, should she ever accept it. I’m sorry, Alexa, because I know I am your worst nightmare come true.
I never deserved your loyalty.
Love Sincerely, Raoul It couldn’t be true. It couldn’t be! No, not Raoul. Of all of the werewolves in the world, please God, not him!
When I collapsed against Arys, I was overwhelmed with anger, pain and shock. I sobbed but failed to identify the rage-filled shrieks as mine. My fangs and claws appeared instantly, and I scratched at the floor, pulling uselessly to break free of Arys’ strong embrace. Snarls and growls became part of my cries as I screamed in a wordless wail.
I lost all sense of reality as I reacted to everything that I’d just learned. I wanted to kill, but my victim was already dead, which fueled my agony in the worst of ways.
Raoul should have bared his throat for me. I should have torn through his hot, living flesh in search of retribution. I felt hate in a whole new way, and I knew that I’d never truly hated before.
The power between Arys and I rose in a sudden storm, fueled by my rage. He’d insisted that we met here to keep me from harming myself or someone else. I so badly wanted to. At home, it would have gone very horribly wrong. I wanted to become absolute destruction.
I fought against Arys, but he held tight as we wrestled on the floor. I lashed out with a good right hook, and we both stopped grappling and stared at one another.
Blood welled up from a cut on his lip, and I felt both shame and excitement. “Arys, I’m sorry. I don’t know how to control this.”
My words were inaudible to me, but he nodded in understanding. “Go ahead and let it out. I’m here.”
Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I took a long shuddery breath before licking the blood from his lip. The tiny drop shifted my frustration and pain into another outlet.
I tore his t-shirt using clawed fingers. I couldn’t stop there once his well muscled chest was bare before me. The urge to hunt, to kill, drove me as I took him down like prey, naked beneath me.
Our lovemaking was anything but loving. It was rough and raw. I released all of the pain that would never truly go away. I couldn’t shake the thought of Raoul being with my mother and then killing her, and I shook with the need to tear him apart myself.
At some point, I sobbed again, and Arys accepted the angry energy admirably. I’d never felt so vulnerable, and yet I knew this was safer, here with my dark vampire. He readily accepted the tornado of my emotions and the physical assault that I launched.
Shaz couldn’t witness this side of me; the very thought was frightening.
The energy that we created was stronger than before but was also somehow easier to control and direct back to the natural elements. Not a single thing went awry. Talk about progress.
For hours after the sun rose, we lay together in his giant, fluffy bed. The TV on the antique bureau was on low; Animal Planet half-held of our attention. I stalled, not wanting to go home because that meant showing the letter to Kylarai and making everything real all over again. This was something that I had to share with those close to me; otherwise, it was going to eat me alive.
When I finally did leave Arys’, I hit the drive-thru for coffee before heading to the little park just off the highway, where Shaz and I had had our early morning talk after he’d discovered I’d been with Arys. I loved that park, with its full bridge over the pond and the fountain in the middle.
I walked around the large pond to the bridge. People sat near the playground or went in and out of the tourist office, but the bridge was all mine. I sat down so that my legs hung over the side with my arms crossed against the railing.
I read that damn letter over and over, feeling something different every time. I briefly toyed with the idea of letting it flutter from my hands to the water below.
I cursed aloud, a vent that had nothing to do with vampires or werewolves and everything to do with human nature. I ranted and raved my confusion and dismay to Raoul as if he could hear me because I feared that I’d lose my mind if I didn’t let it out.
In my time on the bridge, staring out over the park with my half-consumed coffee, I gave voice to the betrayal and disappointment inside, but no forgiveness. That mercy escaped me. I wept hot, salty tears that carried no trace of blood, just the pure cleansing release of my sorrow. I could not shake the insane anger I felt over the fact that Raoul was dead and, with him, the final confrontation I desired.
The conversation with Kylarai was easier than I’d anticipated. I handed her the letter and watched her grey eyes grow misty. After a long silence, she choked out, “Are you ok?”
I shook my head no, because I wasn’t, but forced a bitter smile anyway.
“Oh honey.” Her arms went around me, and I allowed myself to soak up her sisterly affection. I didn’t realize how bad I’d been craving the comfort of pack, of family.
Kylarai and Shaz had been my family for several years, but now they felt like so much more. The knowledge of why my mother died did nothing to make me miss her less, though it did bring everything full circle by answering the question that I’d carried for years.
The fact that Veryl knew all of this wasn’t lost on me. I debated on whether or not to call him. As soon as the sun fell, I dialed his personal number. With the pain so fresh, I had to call.
“So, he told you.” Veryl didn’t sound in the least bit surprised. “He had said that he planned to.”
I bit my lip so that I wouldn’t say anything to him that I’d regret. Despite my annoyance at his way of knowing everyone and everything, I couldn’t fault him for anything.
“Veryl, I need to know more about Raoul. You’ve known he was the one that attacked me all this time. Why not tell me?”
He took a moment before answering, and I knew he was weighing his answers.
“Alexa, there is much that I must keep quiet for a reason. I’m sure you understand. However, in this case, I worried about your well-being.”
The wheels turned in my brain as I tried to put it all together. “My well-being? How long have you known about me? I’m guessing it’s been much longer than the last five years I’v
e worked for you.”
“Of course. Raoul atoned for what he’d done by taking you into his small town pack. He was to keep you safe as you developed into womanhood.”
And, as my abilities developed. I could almost hear the unspoken words that he wasn’t saying.
“You knew I could work energy.”
“Everyone can work with energy if they choose, Alexa. You were born conducting it, natural. That ability in a werewolf is priceless, of course I was interested in you.” His firm tone held no placation; he remained the practical businessman that I knew and trusted.
Still, I did trust him. I felt burned that he had kept me in the dark, ultimately for his own purpose. Though Raoul hadn’t been the ideal role model, Veryl had ensured that I’d been safe through my first difficult years as a Were. None of this was Veryl’s fault. It was Raoul’s.
“Can I ask you why you didn’t just kill him after he murdered my family?” My hands were sweaty as I tightened my grip on the phone.
“Those decisions are never the same for each situation. It was an isolated incident. And like I said, he and I struck a deal.”
Business, like everything, my fate was just business with Veryl. Did that vampire ever make decisions based on emotion or instinct? Was he always straight practicality?
“A deal? He killed my family in a fit of rage and almost killed me as well.”
Bitterness was hard in my voice, but I knew he wouldn’t react to it.
“He didn’t… and now, he’s dead.” A short pause as he spoke quickly to someone in the background. “What do you want to hear, Alexa? I am sorry for the loss of your family, but I made the choice that I felt best at the time.”
I sighed. There was no point in taking out my undying resentment for Raoul on Veryl. That wouldn’t earn me anything. I couldn’t blame Veryl for treating it like he would any other situation. He wasn’t personally involved.
“Nothing. I’m just having a hard time handling this.” There, I was honest. I couldn’t see any reason not to be. “I think I need a few days to myself before I’ll be any good to you.”
