by Bart King
June 27: Ferret Awareness Day and Leon Day. It is exactly six months until Christmas on Leon Day. (“Leon” is “Noel” spelled backward.)
June 29: Waffle Iron Day
July
National Baked Bean Month, Cell Phone Courtesy Month, National Hot Dog Month, and Anti-Boredom Month! Also includes National Nude Recreation Week, Compliments Week, National Baby Food Week, Spam Festival Week, and Mosquito Week!
July 1: International Joke Day
July 2: I Forgot Day
July 4: Turtle Independence Day in Hawaii!
July 6: Nothing Day/National Pickle Festival
July 7: Father–Daughter Take a Walk Together Day
July 10: Don’t Step on a Bee Day*
July 14: Pandemonium Day
July 15: Be a Dork Day.* Be a dork and be proud. Wave to squirrels, wear goofy clothes, and fall off a swing!
July 19: Cow Appreciation Day
July 20: World Jump Day. If at least six hundred million people in North and South America jump at the same time on this day, it will push the earth into a new orbit and help stop global warming! Also Ugly Truck Day.
July 21: National Ice Cream Day
July 23: “Hot Enough for Ya?” Day*
July 26: All or Nothing Day
July 27: Take Your Houseplants for a Walk Day*
July 31: Mutt’s Day
August
Foot Health Month, Admit You’re Happy Month, and National Catfish Month! Also includes International Clown Week, National Friendship Week, and National Smile Week.
The last Wednesday of August is the Festival of the Tomatoes (Festival de la Tomatina) in Buol, Spain. Over eight hundred thousand tomatoes are used in this colossal tomato fight. The streets run red to celebrate a time when a tomato cart was knocked over in the town, resulting in an argument and a tomato fight. Go figure!
August 2: National Ice Cream Sandwich Day
August 3: Watermelon Day
August 4: National Sisters’ Day
August 5: National Mustard Day
August 6: Wiggle Your Toes Day and Fresh Breath Day
August 8: Sneak Some Zucchini on Your Neighbor’s Porch Day*
August 9: Book Lover’s Day and International Noogie-Givers’ Day
August 10: Lazy Day. You’ll need to save your energy for what’s coming up August 15!
August 13: Left Handers Day
August 15: National Relaxation Day
August 16: National Tell a Joke Day. Please turn to page 143.
August 18: Bad Poetry Day*
August 22: National Punctuation Day
August 25: Kiss-and-Make-Up Day
August 26: Dog Day
August 27: Just Because Day
August 30: Frankenstein Day
September
National Little League Month, National Mushroom Month, and National Literacy Month. Also includes Biscuits and Gravy Week, National Dog Week, and National Waffle Week.
The fourth Saturday of September is International Rabbit Day.
September 1: Knowledge Day (in Latvia)
September 2: Beheading Day
September 5: Be Late For Something Day
September 6: Read a Book Day and Do It Today Day
September 28: Ask a Stupid Question Day!
What’s the opposite of a camel? One expert says it’s a soap dish. (It’s not alive, it’s found in moist places, and it has no hump.) If you think that was a stupid question, you’re right! Stupid questions can take two forms:
A question you should already know the answer to. (Example: “What’s my name?”)
A question that’s so silly, it never should have been asked at all. (Example: “Which is older: pencils or dirt?”)
The Any Questions Answered (AQA) service collected some of its stupidest questions and then answered them gracefully. For example:
Q: What’s the funniest word in the world?
A: The funniest word in the English language is fartlek (an athletic training regime); other funny words include furphy, pratfall, parp, and firkin.
Q: What is the best type of cookie to make a mattress from?
A: Fig or strawberry Newtons would be soft, but still provide some back support.
Q: I want to write a film script that makes me millions: what should it be about?
A: Your script should be about a young wizard and a robot looking for a ring on a pirate ship that sinks.
September 11: No News Is Good News Day
September 12: Destroy All Video Games Day
September 13: Fortune Cookie Day and Defy Superstition Day. So eat a cookie, read your fortune, and then crumple it up and defy it! (Unless it’s a really good one!)
September 14: National Cream-Filled Doughnut Day
September 16: National Play-Doh Day and Collect Rocks Day
September 17: Apple Dumpling Day
September 19: Talk Like a Pirate Day
September 22: Elephant Appreciation Day
September 23: Checkers Day
September 24: Buy Nothing Day
September 25: National Comic Books Day
October
National Toilet Tank Repair Month, Eat Ham Month, Sarcastic Month, National Pretzel Month, and, most important, the Month of the Hedgehog. Also includes National Pickled Pepper Week, National Pet Peeve Week, and Hug a Vending Machine Week.
The first Saturday in October is Frugal Fun Day, a time to have cheap fun.
October 4: National Taco Day and World Animal Day
October 7: World Smile Day
October 9: Moldy Cheese Day, Curious Events Day, and Leif Erikson Day in the US. Why does a Viking have an American holiday? When asked this question, American politician Sig Rogich said, “It’s one of my favorite days. Leif never gets any credit for discovering America [in the year 1000]. It’s all Columbus this, Columbus that.” (Rogich then admitted he had no idea when Leif Erikson Day is!)
October 12: Moment of Frustration Scream Day*
October 13: Skeptics’ Day
October 14: Be Bald and Be Free Day*
October 15: National Grouch Day
October 18: No Beard Day
October 21: Babbling Day
October 24: National Bologna Day. Yes!
October 25: Sour Day and Punk-for-a-Day Day
October 26: The Most Unproductive Day in the World
October 29: Laugh Suddenly For No Reason A Lot Today Day
October 31: National Knock-Knock Day. (Please turn to page 147.) Wait, this is also Halloween? If you end up handing out any candy, put it inside a dry spittoon. Also known as a cuspidor, this will add the perfect element of grossness to a grisly evening! Oh, and if you get to wear a costume to school, try dressing as one of your teachers. This is (almost) always funny!
WARNING: Ninety percent of parents admit they steal candy from their kids’ bags. (The other 10 percent lie.) So keep an eye on ’em!
November
Peanut Butter Lover’s Month, Slaughter Month, and International Drum Month! Also includes National Split Pea Soup Week, National Fig Week, and National Make Up Your Own Week Week!
The Wednesday before Thanksgiving is Complaint-Free Wednesday, and the day after Thanksgiving is the National Day of Listening.
November 1: Vinegar Day
November 2: National Deviled Egg Day
November 3: Cliché Day
Any Time, Any Month: Thanksgivings!
The Thanksgiving tradition really did start with the Puritans who settled in New England. But here’s the thing: the Puritans celebrated Thanksgivings: plural! Anytime something really good happened (“The pirates are gone!”), it was time to have a festival and give thanks.
So how many Thanksgivings did the Puritans celebrate? Sometimes as many as nine a year! So don’t get stuck on that same old idea of having Thanksgiving only once a year. The next time something good happens (“The ninjas are gone!”), break out the gravy and pumpkin pie! (What? Don’t you eat it that way, too?)
November 4: Chair Day/Mischief Night
November 5: Gunpowder Day
November 6: “Do Tater Tots Ever Grow Up?” Day
November 8: Dunce Day
November 9: Chaos Never Dies Day
November 11: Corduroy Appreciation Day
November 17: Take a Hike Day
November 18: International Science-Fiction Book Reshelving Day
November 19: Have a Bad Day Day*
November 20: Absurdity Day
November 21: False Confession Day
November 22: Start Your Own Country Day
November 28: National French Toast Day
November 29: Sinkie Day. (A “sinkie” is anyone who grabs a food item and then eats it over the sink.)
December
Read a New Book Month. Also includes National Hand-Washing Awareness Week. Oh, and the Festival of Zappadan is from December 4 to December 21.
December 1: Shavlik Randolph Day! Known to hoops fans as the finest player never to star in the NBA, Shavlik Randolph innovated the use of the “air five.” (It’s like a high-five with no hand contact.)
December 5: Krampusz Day
He’s incredibly ugly. He’s seven feet tall and carries a stick to frighten naughty children. But worst of all, his name is Krampusz![25]
Krampusz is definitely the scariest mascot the Yuletide season has ever seen. He looks like a hairy giant with a goat’s head. Ulp. For eight hundred years, Austrians have dressed up as Krampusz on this day. Then they go around the neighborhood knocking on doors. If children answer, the Krampusz is supposed to ring cowbells and scare the kids enough to make them REALLY look forward to the arrival of Saint Nicholas.
In the town of Schladming, there is a parade of over a thousand people dressed as Krampusz. The parade includes lots of revelry and cowbells (yes!). As they say in Austria: “Krampusz gerne Partei” (“Krampusz likes to party”). Remember, if you hear cowbells, don’t answer your door!
December 2: Fritters Day
December 4: Wear Brown Shoes Day
December 5: Bathtub Party Day
December 6: Gazpacho Day
December 9: Boring Celebrities Day
December 16: National Chocolate-Covered Anything Day
December 20: Underdog Day
December 21: Humbug Day* and Flashlight Day
December 23: Night of the Radishes and Festivus! Festivus was intended to be a holiday that requires no shopping. The only Festivus decoration is a bare metal pole, which can be stuck in a pot or hung from the ceiling. (Because the pole is bare, one of the mottos for Festivus is “It’s time to decorate the pole! We’re done!”) Festivus is a time to complain about important things. The holiday should also include feats of strength; as a matter of fact, Festivus is not over until the head of the household is wrestled to the ground and pinned.
December 26: National Whiner’s Day
December 28: Card Playing Day
December 31: National Make-Up-Your-Mind Day, Unlucky Day, and You’re All Done Day
* * *
[23] William Shakespeare once said, “If every day was a holiday, having fun would be as boring as work.” (Those weren’t quite his exact words.)
[24] Of course, it’s one thing to be eligible and another thing to actually win.
[25] From the old German word krampen: “claw”
Fun with Food
I used to think food was overrated. But then I went three hours without eating anything, and I nearly starved to death! Luckily, a nice lady gave me a rutabaga to gnaw on. That was NOT fun. (Memo to self: pack a lunch the next time you go to the roller-skating rink.)
Speaking of lunch, I like to pack mine in a bento box. That way, everything’s organized in its own little compartment. Which is weird, because I’m usually the least organized person around—look, I just found an old cookie on my desk! Wow, it’s stale but (like all cookies) edible.[26]
Today, I have a new respect for food. Not only does it often taste good, but as this chapter will show, sometimes you can have fun without eating it! Now, I should point out that I eat a very healthy diet. Yep, fruits and vegetables at every meal. (Seriously.) But when I was thinking of fun foods, one of the first things to come to mind was a doughnut.
Even its name is fun: doughnut.
Back in the 1500s, a genius baker in Holland invented the first doughnut. It didn’t have a hole; those didn’t appear for another couple hundred years. The Dutch called this pioneer doughnut an olykoek: “oily cake.”
Oily cake?
That sort of takes the fun out of it, doesn’t it?
Random Food Fun!
When sitting down to eat with a group, give your plate a serious look and quietly say, “I’m going to eat lightning and then poop thunder.” Then start eating.
Bonus score if you look up after a few bites and say, “What?”
Octopus Food!
Eight-Legged Banana: This is a real hit with kids who enjoy eating bananas and/or cephalopods.
Get a banana.
As you break the stem of the banana to begin peeling it, try to divide the peel into four roughly equal arms. Peel these about halfway down the banana.
Break off the exposed half of the banana fruit.
Using food scissors or a sharp knife (careful!), cut each “arm” of the peel in half lengthwise. (This should give the peel eight arms.)
Turn the banana so that the arms support it and the unpeeled half is vertical. If you want to get fancy, cut two slits in the vertical peel where the octopus’s “eyes” would be. Stick raisins in there.
Slice up the broken half of the banana and garnish the plate with them. Serve.
Just wondering: If vitamin A helps with my sense of sight, what vitamin will enhance my Spidey sense?
Octopus Hot Dogs: Question: What do a boiling hot dog and an octopus have in common? Answer: They’re both aquatic invertebrates. (Wow, that’s not even a joke!)
Boil a hot dog. Remove from water and let cool.
Take a knife and make a crosscut at the end of the hot dog. Carefully cut down about two-thirds of the hot dog. This should give you four arms.
Carefully cut each arm in half, giving you eight arms.
Use your knife to cut little eyeholes where the octopus’s head would be. Stuff onion, pickle relish, mustard, or sauerkraut in there. Serve.
I almost forgot! Get some wiener forks from a store that has unusual cutlery. Why? Because I have decided that “wiener fork” is the greatest phrase in the English language. (“Who wants a wiener fork?” “Pass this wiener fork down the table, please.”)
Breakfast Bag
This is a good meal to eat when you’re out camping in the wilderness or spending the night at a friend’s house and all they have to eat is a plastic yodeling pickle. But before you prepare it in those faraway places, practice it once at home.
First, you need some zip-lock freezer bags. These are handy because you can put them in boiling water—and that’s just what you’re going to do! But first you have to put some food in the bag. Start out like you’re going to make some scrambled eggs. I do this by cracking two or three eggs into a bowl, adding a splash of milk, and then whisking them up. But instead of pouring this mix into a pan, for the Breakfast Bag, you pour it into the zip-lock bag! Then zip the bag shut and drop it into a big pot of boiling water.
Weird, huh? Have some tongs nearby, and make sure the bag doesn’t drape over the edge of the pot or it will melt. You want to keep the bag in the water. Keep an eye on it, and when it looks done, it is. Then just “tong” the bag out, pour the eggs on a plate, and enjoy!
Egg Fun!
If you have leftover eggs in the fridge, get a marker and draw some faces on them! (And don’t tell anyone it was you.)
