I dropped my head in my hands to keep the room from spinning. The alcohol churned in my gut. My stomach ached, and I wasn’t sure if it was from the booze or the heartbreak.
“I feel like this is my fault,” Alex said.
I turned toward her. “What? How is this your fault?”
She sheepishly shrugged her shoulders and looked nervously between Drew and I. “I might have said something to her at the park today,” she said.
“What did you say?” Drew asked.
“I just told her to be sure that this was what she wanted before things went too far.”
“You what?” I asked getting up from the couch, outrage clear on my face. I took a step back to put as much distance between us as I could get. I was drunk and angry, all of which was aimed at Alex at that particular moment.
Drew dropped his head, shaking it back and forth. “Jesus, Red.”
“I was just looking out for him.” Alex turned back at me, but I couldn’t look her in the eye. “You were so torn up after that last time she split. I didn’t want to see you go through that again.”
“So you decided to chase her away! God dammit, Alex. What the fuck?” I spun away from her, running my hands down my face. “I don’t get it. I’ve always had your back. How could you do this to me?”
Alex shot to her feet and glared at me. “I didn’t do anything to you. I did it for you. It’s better you know how she really feels now before it’s too late.”
“It’s already too late. I’m in love with her,” I roared.
Alex scoffed. “You barely know her.”
“I know her better than you think. She’s a fucking mess. She comes from a family of assholes who do nothing but put her down. Her ex is a douche who destroyed her entire life, and despite all of that, she is the strongest, fiercest, most beautiful woman I have ever met, both inside and out!”
Rage coursed through my veins as I stared her down. My shoulders were tense and rising with every ragged breath I took. I was fuming. It felt like smoke was pouring from my nose and ears, like I was some pissed off bull in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.
“We make absolutely no sense. I get that, but I can’t explain it and I shouldn’t have to. We are so alike in some ways and completely different in others. She’s frustrating and overwhelming and I know that I should be running for the hills, but I love her. Why can’t that be enough?”
I pulled hard at my hair, feeling like I’d completely lost my mind. “I…I don’t know how to…how to breathe without her.”
Alex watched me, her mouth open and her eyes filled with remorse and pity. Regardless at how misguided her attempt to protect me was, her heart was in the right place.
“I…I’m so sorry, Sean,” she said as tears filled her eyes.
Drew stood and pulled her back against his chest. He pressed a kiss into her hair as a tear rolled down her cheek.
My heart sank. I dropped my head and exhaled a long breath, propping my hands on my hips as I stared down at my shoes. “I know,” I said. “You were looking out for me.”
I looked up at her and she nodded her head, wiping another tear from her cheek. I opened my arms and gave her a small half smile.
Drew released her and she walked quickly toward me. I wrapped her in a bear hug and buried a kiss into her hair. “I’m sorry too,” I said.
Alex squeezed me tighter, and I broke. A tear slid down my cheek and into her hair. “It just hurts so fucking much,” I said, my voice cracking with loss. “I don’t know what to do.”
Drew stepped up behind Alex, and I looked up at my best friend. He dropped a heavy hand on my shoulder. “Do you remember what you told me after Red ran out on me?” he asked.
Drew was a wreck after that fight. Apparently, he and Red had been fooling around for weeks, but they kept their relationship under wraps. One night, David walked in on them, and Drew panicked. He told David that it was just sex and no big deal. He knew he’d fucked up the second he’d seen the pain in her eyes. Alex was the love of his life. She’d been all he wanted for years, but too much shit had gotten in his way. Then, when he got his chance to have her, he blew it. The guy was devastated.
“I told you to fight,” I said.
“That’s right,” he said. “You told me that if I really loved her, then I better fight like hell to get her back. You need to take your own advice, brother. Fight for her.”
Alex released me and took a step back. “He’s right, Sean.”
I nodded and stepped back, wiping a hand down my face with a groan. They were right. I had to fight for Madison. Show her that my feelings for her were real.
“I’m sorry I just barged in here,” I said. “I’m gonna take off.”
“You sure you don’t want to just crash on the couch?” Drew said.
“Nah, I need to get home. Sleep it off, you know,” I said, backing up toward the door.
“You need a ride?” Alex asked.
“Nah. I’m gonna catch a cab,” I said. “Thanks for…” I smiled. “Thanks.”
“No problem,” Alex said.
“Hey, man, you want to take that rocky road to go?” Drew said.
I laughed and shook my head while Alex swatted at his arm.
“I’ll see you guys later.” I turned headed out the door.
In the elevator I leaned back against the wall, taking a deep breath as the car descended to the lobby. My head was still spinning with everything that had happened, but tomorrow was a new day and I was going to go get my girl.
Chapter 19
Madison
Everything had come full circle. I sat, once again, staring at the empty whiskey glass watching the growing puddle of condensation collect on the surface of my dining room table. I should invest in coasters, as it appeared as though this was going to be a regular occurrence.
The apartment was dark. I hadn’t bothered to turn on any lights when I got in. I just headed for the bottle and ended up at the dining room table again.
I don’t know how long I sat there, staring off into nothing, Sean’s heartbroken voice repeating in my ear: Don’t do this. Don’t walk away from us. I deserved to be alone. I’m not worthy of someone as sweet and kind and amazing as Sean.
I heard the sound of a chair scraping across the floor. Liam dropped down in front of me. He set another glass down on the table in front of him, reached for the bottle in front of me, and poured himself a drink.
He took a sip and set the glass on the table, twirling it with his fingers before he looked over at me. “Well, you aren’t passed out on the floor this time,” he said. “That’s progress.”
I slowly lifted my head from the table, and Liam slid the bottle back to me. I shook my already pounding head. I wasn’t drunk since I’d only managed to drink one glass before I went catatonic.
“So…what happened?” Liam asked.
Sean’s whispered words came back to me, I’m falling in love with you. I could still feel his warm breath and the brush of his lips against my ear. Tears filled my eyes, falling fast in streams down my cheeks.
Liam reached out, covering my hand with his, which caused a sob to tear from my throat. I didn’t deserve his comfort. I tried to pull my hand away, but Liam held tight. “What happened, Maddie?”
“Sean…” I choked.
“What did he do?” Liam said, his protective brother mode already engaged.
I shook my head and tried to get ahold of myself. I took a deep, shaky breath and looked up at Liam. “He didn’t do anything. I’m the one…I…” I tried to get it out, but the pain in my chest intensified.
Liam dropped to his knees in front of me. He rested his massive hands on my cheeks. “Breathe, Maddie. Breathe.”
I took shallow, gasping breaths, but my lungs were not cooperating. Liam wrapped his arms around me, rubbing smooth circles into my back as he whispered, “Breathe,” into my ear. Finally, I was able to catch my breath, and the tension in my muscles began to ease.
“Jesus, Maddie. You okay?�
� Liam asked, his eyes filled with worry. I nodded my head. “You scared me.”
He headed into the kitchen and returned with a bottle of water. He held it out to me. I took the water from him and brought it to my lips, my hands still shaking.
I looked down into my lap, ashamed of how I was acting. I was the one who ran. I was the one who broke his heart, but mine felt empty and cracked in my chest.
When I looked up, Liam was watching me, patiently waiting for me to start talking. I took a deep breath and tried again. “He said he loved me,” I told him, my voice coming out just barely above a whisper.
“Who?”
“Sean.” I felt a little embarrassed discussing this with Liam. When I dated before Michael, Liam was too young to talk to about my relationships, and now it just seemed strange.
Liam raised his eyebrows, his eyes going wide. After a moment he leaned his elbows on the table between us. “What did you say?”
“Nothing. I just left.”
“He said I love you, and you left?” I nodded to answer his question. “Wow. Harsh, sis.” I glared at him. I was aware of the fact that I’m an asshole. There was no need for him to point it out. Liam exhaled a long breath and ran a hand down his face. “Do you love him?” he asked.
“What?”
“Do you love him?” he repeated.
“He’s so young, Liam. It would never work,” I protested.
“I didn’t ask if it would work. I asked if you love him.”
“I…I…” I tried to say the words, but they wouldn’t come. “I can’t.”
“Can’t or won’t?” he asked. “Look, Maddie, I admit I wasn’t exactly a fan of you and Sean seeing each other because yeah, the age difference is a little weird for me, but I’ve seen the way he looks at you. I’ve seen how you seem lighter, happier, when you are with him. Don’t throw that away because you think it’s what you’re supposed to do.” Liam got up from the table and pressed a kiss to my temple before heading off to bed.
***
Sunday I didn’t even get out of bed. I just lay there, clutching my pillow to my chest, watching my phone light up with texts from Sean and a few missed calls. I couldn’t bring myself to listen to the messages.
Liam poked his head in my room before he left for work. He left me a sandwich and a bottle of water on the nightstand, but hours later it still sat there, untouched.
I must have eventually drifted off to sleep because I was startled awake by a loud clang, like something metallic hitting the hardwood of my bedroom. I sat up quickly, looking for the source of the sound. My eyes were swollen from a long night of crying, so opening them was difficult. I blinked a few times and wiped a hand across my face before I focused on the blurry outline of a less than patient Margot.
“Get up!” she said.
I sighed and laid back down, pulling the covers over my head. Hopefully, she would just go away.
“Oh no,” she said, ripping the covers back, causing me to squint in the early afternoon light. “No, you don’t! You are not going back into that hole you dug after Michael left.” She pointed her perfectly manicured finger in my face. “I refuse to let you wallow. You are a smart, sexy, successful woman, and I will not stand by and let you turn into another blubbering mess over a guy. So get up and get a shower.”
I groaned, curling up in the fetal position around my pillow. Margot snapped into action. She grabbed a hold of my arms and dragged me into the bathroom. I tried in vain to pull my arm from her grip, but my efforts were weak at best. When we reached the bathroom, she pushed me in the shower and turned on the water. The ice cold stream hit me right in the face, and I let out a strangled scream.
“Jesus, Margot! Was that necessary?” I asked as I scrambled to turn off the freezing water.
“Yes, Madison, it was. You are going to take a shower and scrub your face. Then you will put on the clothes I have laid out for you and we are going out.”
I started to protest, but she held up her hand. “I don’t want to hear it. Just do it.” Then she turned and stormed from the bathroom, leaving me standing in the shower completely soaked and still in my pajamas.
After removing my clothes and turning the water to a more acceptable temperature, I did as Margot instructed. I scrubbed my face and my body, trying to wash away the guilt and grime.
I stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around me, wiping the fog from the mirror and cringing at the dark circles that had appeared beneath my eyes. If Margot wanted me to go out, then we were going to need a lot of concealer.
I opened the bathroom door as Margot was coming out of my closet, a blue maxi dress in her hand. She tossed it at my chest and I reacted, catching it in a ball of fabric before it could hit the floor.
“Put that on. I’ll make some coffee.”
I watched as she sauntered from the room. Would it kill her to show a little bit of compassion?
***
An hour later, both of us armed with a large pair of sunglasses, Margot and I headed off to lunch downtown. We took a table in the patio area. I sank down into the chair and pressed my fingers into my temples, trying to ward off the headache that was fighting its way through my brain.
Margot ordered two bloody Mary’s from the waiter, then took a look at me and asked for a double. She propped her elbows on the table and leaned toward me. “Okay, so out with it. What happened?”
I shrugged my shoulders. Margot dipped her finger into her water glass then flicked them toward my face, causing me to jerk as the ice cold liquid hit my face.
“What the hell?” I asked.
“I said talk,” she demanded, glaring at me over the tortoise shell frames of her sunglasses.
“There’s nothing to talk about. Sean and I are over. We had fun and now we’re done.” The words tumbled from my mouth, but as I said them I couldn’t look at her. My eyes would give away just how upset I really was. Then she would ask questions, questions I was not ready to answer. Like why did I push away this amazing, sweet, beautiful man who was in love with me?
The waiter brought our drinks, and I downed half of my glass in two gulps.
“Jesus, Maddie!” Margot said, her eyes darting between me and my half empty glass.
I did my best to fight back the tears. I had cried enough. I was being ridiculous. I left. I walked out on him. I left him, when he was begging me to stay. So why was I the one falling apart?
I shook my head, telling myself to stop. I had no right to feel sorry for myself. Sean was not the one at fault here. I broke my own heart, and his in the process.
A traitor tear slipped down my cheek, and I quickly wiped it away as anger surged through my body. Anger that I had found myself back here to the broken, self-loathing woman I was when everything started. I was attracted to Sean in the beginning because he radiated happiness; something I was in desperate need of. I craved it, and by extension I craved him, but he was gone and so was the joy.
Margot reached out and covered my hand with hers. “Talk to me. What’s going on with you?” she asked, her voice laced with concern.
I took a deep breath, looking up into the bright sky above me. “I fucked it all up.”
“Fucked what up?” she asked, her perfect brows drawing together.
I took another shaky breath as the tears welled in my eyes. I forced myself to push them back until my eyes burned and a painful lump formed in the back of my throat. “I blew it with Sean,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper. I cleared my throat and continued. “He told me he was falling in love with me, and I ran.”
“He said he was falling for you?” she asked. I nodded. “And you ran?” I nodded again. She sat back, letting out a long breath. She draped her arm over the back of her chair. “Well shit!”
“My sentiments exactly.”
I took another gulp of my drink and signaled the waiter for another. When I looked back at Margot, she was studying me with narrowed eyes, her mouth agape like she wanted to say something but was holding ba
ck.
“What?” I asked, tipping back the last of my drink.
She sat up quickly, her eyes focused on me. “I’m only going to ask this once then we will let the subject drop.” I gave her a quick nod, reluctantly agreeing to her terms. She nodded in response and continued. “Do you love him?”
“Are you serious?” I asked. The words came out as more of a shriek, catching the attention of the diners around us.
Margot closed her eyes and exhaled. “Yes, I’m serious. Are you in love with him?”
“Margot, he’s not even thirty years old!” I whisper yelled across the table, not wanting to draw any more attention then I already had.
“You still haven’t answered my question.” She smirked.
“Because it’s a ridiculous question!”
“It is a simple yes or no.”
“I…” I was stunned. I couldn’t believe she was suggesting I was in love with him. Sean was meant to be a fling, something fun and simple to help me get back on the horse, so to speak, after the divorce. Love was never an option. I was not in love with Sean. I wasn’t. There was no way…was there?
No! No way.
“No,” I choked out. “Happy now?” I asked her, snatching my drink from the waiter’s tray as he approached the table. He gave me a nervous smile before heading off toward the kitchen.
“Okay,” Margot said, holding her hands up in defense, “I had to ask.” She smirked at me and relaxed back into her chair.
I wasn’t in love with him. I wasn’t.
Chapter 20
Sean
The buzzing sound from my phone woke me from a dead sleep. I’d just shut my eyes an hour before, after a long night of begging and pleading via voicemail and text. I was redefining pathetic, but she was it for me and I was determined to get her back.
I fumbled around in the rumpled sheets of my bed for the phone and answered without so much as glancing at the screen.
“Hello,” I said, my voice groggy and thick.
Choosing Happy (Madison Square #2) Page 21
