“I don’t know that I can,” she said, her voice a rough, shaky rasp. “I don’t think I know how, Roan. Even if I wanted to. I take care of me.”
“I wouldn’t expect you to stop. But you don’t have to do it alone.”
“You have no business doing it for me.”
“With you.”
“Doesn’t matter, Roan. We—”
“We, Tessa. That’s what you have to wrap your head around.”
She shook her head. “I don’t know that I can do that, either.” She looked him square in the eye. “I don’t know that I want to.”
“Yer still holdin’ on to me. And we’re talking. And the world hasn’t stopped spinning. Bad things aren’t happening.”
“You don’t know anything yet.”
“But I will.”
“And then what? What if you can’t handle it? I don’t want to share, I don’t want help, I don’t want anyone standing up for me. I can’t count on that, no matter what you say, I can’t. Don’t you understand?”
“More than you could possibly know. I’ve stood on my own my whole life. But it was only when I became an adult that I realized I could only stand on my own because I had a foundation of love and support under me. And behind me. We don’t do anything alone, Tessa.”
“I do.”
“Not anymore.”
“Big words.”
“Big desire.”
“You could have had me. The easy part of me. Why not just accept that and leave the rest of me be?”
“I already told you. You’re more than that. And that’s what compels me. No’ just the sex. You’re so much more. And I’d like to think I am, too.”
“Doesn’t mean we can be more to each other.”
“Doesn’t mean we can’t.”
“God, you’re stubborn.”
He smiled. “I’ll take that as a personal endorsement from someone who would know.”
“Why is it you’re charming with everyone else, and such a hard-ass with me?”
“I have no earthly idea. Maybe that’s what you need.”
“And what do you need? Surely not someone like me. Kira would have been the perfect—”
“Safe bet. And I told you, if I’d really wanted that, I’d have done something about it. Maybe I was waiting for you, for something like this. Something I couldn’t ignore. Something that makes it impossible to wait. I just didn’t know it.”
“What gave it away?” she said dryly. “My sparkling personality, or my easygoing, approachable demeanor?”
She probably didn’t even realize it, but he was acutely aware of it. Her hold on him had relaxed, her fingers were toying with the hair on the back of his neck. She was nestled around him, against him, as if it were the most natural, comfortable place to be. Held by him, all but sheltered by him. He thought it felt about as right as anything he’d ever experienced.
“I know. Everything you’re saying makes perfect sense,” he said.
“And yet, you’re going to stand by me anyway?” Her smile was wry. “Gee, thanks.”
“We’re … this,” he said, and pulled her more snugly up against him, making her realize how trusting she’d already become. She had to hold on more tightly to him as he swung them around. “We spar, we challenge, we strike sparks. We get at the truth of each other in ways no one else bothers to do. Maybe because we’re so different. I don’t know. I think, at the core, maybe it’s because we’re very much the same. All I know,” he said, as he slowly disengaged her legs from around his waist and let her slide to stand inside the circle of his arms, “is that this is the most challenging, and the most natural spot I’ve ever found myself standing in. And I’m betting you’d say the same, if you let yourself be honest. We’re comfortable in each other’s space, the way we couldn’t be, unless—”
“One of us was hallucinating?”
He smiled at that. She wasn’t going to make it easy. But, again, she hadn’t stepped outside the circle they’d formed. A circle that had begun the moment they’d finally put their hands on one another, and one, he noted, that had remained unbroken since.
He intended to keep it that way. If not literally, certainly in spirit.
“Unless one of us was simply smarter than the other.” He leaned down and kissed her.
It only lasted a second, until she regrouped, but that moment had been telling. “Ye want to get inside now and ask Kira to dinner. Allow me a moment or two to … regroup. As it were. No’ embarrass myself with too-tight trousers.”
“We could have been taking care of that instead of all this crazy talk, you know.”
He pushed her hair from her face, enjoying the knowledge that he could reach out and casually touch her, connect with her. Ground her. And himself. If only with a touch. It was odd how centered he felt, in that moment. As if things had suddenly become crystalline clear. Where before there were just huge gaps in knowledge, now he had a sense of purpose.
“We’ll take care of that soon enough.”
Her eyes widened a bit at his bold statement, and her lips parted slightly. His body renewed its battle to be more directly involved in the exchange, and when she smiled, he thought perhaps that moment was going to happen right then and there anyway.
“Dinner,” he managed, past a suddenly dry throat. “People waiting.”
“Right,” she said, but her smile grew, and she moved in closer, taking the upper hand once again. She kissed him deeply, with a smoldering sensuality that had surely left singe marks in all kinds of places.
So, that was to be the battle then. She’d try to make this physical. And he would push for more.
At least he understood where the lines had been drawn.
He yanked her up against him, pulled her hips tightly to his, and kissed her back until they were both breathless.
“Right,” he said, then set her back. She merely cocked an eyebrow. He smiled. They both laughed.
Shaking his head, he abruptly turned around and took a short walk to get his body back under control. A few minutes later he finally heard the croft door open, then shut.
He smiled out at the pasture full of sheep. “What in the hell did I just do?”
The bleating of the sheep didn’t provide much enlightenment. It occurred to him then that he was about to head back into the village to have dinner with the three people who could read him best. Holy hell.
“Maybe she was right,” he told the sheep. “I am hallucinating. Or I’m going to wish I were.”
Chapter 8
Tessa still felt entirely out of sorts as she entered Kira’s weaving studio. What in the hell had just happened out there? “You have to go,” she announced abruptly. “I—I can’t. I’m staying here.”
Kira continued weaving without looking up, studying each spoke as she slid a variety of beads over the blunt tips. “I’m sorry,” she said distractedly. “Who are you and what have you done with my friend, Tessa?”
“Sorry,” Tessa said, trying hard to corral her thoughts. What did Roan mean by holding on to her? What nonsense had he been spouting out there? Surely she wasn’t going to buy into that load of crap. He hadn’t the first clue what she was about and he was being all knight in shining armor. What was up with that?” “But it’s the best thing. You go. I stay.”
Kira set the delicately woven waxed linen basket down on her work table and shifted her gaze to Tessa. Upon looking at her, she lifted a brow. “What happened to ye? You look like ye’ve run a marathon. Was it rough as all that out there gettin’ the photos set up?”
Tessa frowned. “Photos? No. That went fine. Once we got the angles right.”
“Then what are ye spoutin’ on about? And what’s got you lookin’ so spooked?”
“Nothing. I’m fine. I just—I don’t want to go. It would be better if you went.”
“Where is it I’m going now?”
“Oh. Sorry. Rehearsal dinner. In town. Graham, Katie, Shay. And, uh, Roan.”
Kira’s other eyebrow r
aised, and a far too knowing smile curved her lips. “Ah. Now we’re gettin’ somewhere.”
“No, you’re getting somewhere, which is out of this house. You need to socialize. Why don’t you socialize?”
Kira’s expression changed to one of confusion. “Who said I don’t socialize? I’m a social person.”
Tessa worked harder to gather her very scattered wits. But it was next to impossible, knowing Roan was just outside, and could decide, at any moment, to come inside. She couldn’t deal with him again right now. Maybe ever. That was it. She’d just never lay eyes on him again. Then she wouldn’t have to worry about the crazy things he might say. And how they would make her feel.
She paced the length of the narrow studio, glancing once out the small, mullioned windows on the far end of the built-on room. No sign of him. She wasn’t sure if that was good, or merely a warning. All she knew was that she needed to get Kira out there with him. And stay inside herself, away from him. Simple solution, really.
She turned back to Kira. “Name the last time you went out for anything that wasn’t chore or work related? When did you last go to the pub? For fun?”
“What? I-I’m not an ale drinker,” Kira said, half defensively. “And I’m a complete loss at darts. Besides, I see everyone there is to see when I go in to pick up mail and my supplies from the ferry. No need, really, to spend other time with them in a place where I’m no’ comfortable.”
“Do you spend other time with anyone?”
“Why does it matt—wait, you’re changing the subject, aren’t ye? Wha’ happened? You came in here like you’d been run over. If it wasn’t the photo rehearsal, what on earth was it?” She narrowed her gaze thoughtfully, and Tessa found herself wishing her friend didn’t know her quite so well. “Or should I say, who on earth? I was on to it, wasn’t I? This is about Roan. What did he do?”
“What makes you think this has anything to do with him? I just don’t feel comfortable barging in on the rehearsal dinner, that’s all. I thought you might like an evening out with friends. They specifically sent me back to get you to come along.”
“So why am I going along without you, then? What happened between the rehearsal and here?” She pushed back her cane-woven stool and got up to go have a look out the window herself.
“Okay,” Tessa said abruptly. “So, Roan is outside. He’s waiting. For you.”
That had Kira looking at her with a bit of surprise, then a narrow gaze that was full of suspicion. “What did you do, Tessa? Please tell me you didnae try your hand at settin’ me up on a blind date.”
“No, that would be everyone else on Kinloch.”
“What?”
“I know you’ve spent this past year and a half focused inwardly, and on your weaving. But … have you not been paying any attention at all?” Tessa debated all of three seconds before blurting out the rest. It was a truth, of sorts, and she told herself she was doing this for his own good. And Kira’s, too. She thought Roan had had it right all along. Kira was truly perfect for him. With his upbeat personality and positive outlook, not to mention his well-grounded life on the island, he would be just the thing to bring her friend the rest of the way back to the land of the living. Tessa was doing them both a favor. She ignored the hard twinge of conscience, not to mention the pang of … something else, and went on. When they both thanked her later, she’d get over it.
“Roan’s had a thing for you since you were kids. He’s been biding his time, waiting for you to leave the cave, before saying anything. But he cares about you, Kira. Everyone sees it. Or, at the very least, Katie, Graham, and Shay do. They’re all happy about the prospect. So, why don’t you put the guy out of his misery, agree to go in for a casual dinner with the gang, and … see where things lead?”
Kira’s expression had gone from confusion to utter shock to guarded consideration. But she said nothing. Not immediately.
“He’s right outside,” Tessa said. “Waiting.”
Kira left the studio and walked across the great room area between the kitchen and the two bedrooms to look out the front window. “That’s his lorry.”
“Yep.”
Kira spun back around, eyes narrowed, but with a surprising edge of hurt in her voice when she said, “I can’t believe you took it upon yourself to sign me up for this. How dare you?”
“How—what? I was trying to help.”
“How? By promising a man a date with me—to nothing less than an intimate wedding rehearsal dinner. There is nothing casual about that, by the way. What were you thinking?” Then Kira stopped in her tracks, and looked at her friend again, with a far more calculating expression. “Wait a minute. You came in here looking like—” She walked right up to Tessa and ran her gaze assessingly over her.
Tessa instinctively raised a hand to cover her throat. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“Looking for signs.” She lifted her gaze to Tessa’s. “You’re shoving me off on Roan because you need a defensive screen. That’s even more insulting.”
“It’s not—” But Tessa broke off, then hung her head, and swore under her breath. When she looked up, it was with the humbling knowledge that she really had sunk to the bottom. “He really does have a thing for you,” she said. “I didn’t make that up.”
“But he didn’t come here after me. Did he? Not really.” She looked Tessa right in the eye. “I know we haven’t been close lately—and I’m to blame for that, too, by the way. We’ve both been through some pretty tough stuff. But if we are wanting to make the most of this friendship, of getting it back to what it used to be, then we have to be honest with one another. If you’re not ready to talk about why you really came here, fine. But we will talk about it at some point. I don’t particularly want to dredge up everything I went through two years ago. But I will. At some point. Because, as my closest and dearest friend, you should know. Just as I should with you. But right this second, you are going to tell me what in the bloody hell is really going on with you and Roan and why I’m being shoved into the middle of it. We might have past stuff that needs discussing, but there’s no excuse to not keep current on what’s going on right this very second.”
Tessa felt like she’d had the wind knocked out of her. But once she’d regrouped, and let Kira’s announcement sink in she knew it for truth. It wasn’t easy taking that step. Even with Kira. “I—it was you,” Tessa began. “Why we came out here. Truly. And he has been thinking about you, interested in you, since you came back.”
“Roan’s not particularly shy, if you haven’t noticed, and we’ve developed a good working relationship in regards to our respective roles in the weaving industry here. I find it very hard to believe, if he were truly interested, he wouldn’t have already said something about it. He’s had ample opportunity.”
“And … if he had, would you have been interested?” Tessa knew she had to tell Kira the rest of the truth, but this part was important. Just because Roan had passed up the chance to find out what was what with Kira, and just because Tessa was trying pretty much anything to get out of having to deal with her very confusing feelings for him, that did not mean it wasn’t still a potentially viable avenue for Kira and Roan. Because of that, she needed to know—before she could do anything else or decide how she felt.
“I honestly don’t know,” Kira said. “He’s easy on the eyes and the heart. I know he’s a man of integrity.”
“Have you looked at him and thought, hmmm, maybe?”
Kira looked away then, and Tessa saw a flash of something else on her face. “What?” Tessa asked. “What was that? Because you can’t go lecturing me on being honest, and then clam up when things start getting—”
Kira looked at her. “I don’t think I’d have pursued things with Roan, though that would likely have been my loss.”
“Why not try then?” Realization hit. “Oh. Oh! There is someone else, isn’t there? You wouldn’t pursue him because your interest is already elsewhere.”
“My attention
has been diverted, aye. But I’ve done nothing about it and dinnae intend to anytime soon. Don’t badger me about it. Ye dinnae even know the man and talking about it will make it far too real. I’m only up to a good daydream and an occasional hot flash over him as yet.” She smiled then, and it was playful and happy, and made Tessa feel the best she’d felt about her friend since coming to Kinloch. “But I’m working on it.”
Tessa smiled, honestly and sincerely happy for her friend. “Then that’s enough. For now. But you will spill all later. I have my ways.”
Kira laughed lightly, and there was something delightfully sweet in the sound that warmed Tessa’s heart immensely. A new love would be such a good thing for her friend, but it was also a hopeful thing. Just in general. To know, to see and hear, for that matter, that bad things can happen, but that rebirth happens, too. “I’m happy for you,” she said quietly, with a quick smile. “Just having those urges again must feel pretty good.”
“Thank you,” Kira said, just as sincerely. “And aye, it does feel good. When it’s not scary or terrifying. So … with me out of the way, that gives you clear shot then, doesn’t it?”
Tessa frowned. “You didn’t just make up that whole—”
Kira shook her head. “No, it’s quite real, I assure you. I wish it wasn’t, most days, trust me. It’s … distracting.” Her eyes twinkled. “But no’ entirely in a bad way.” She walked over and sat back in her work chair. “Okay, your turn.”
There came a tap on the door, and Tessa jumped as if she’d been shot at—which she had been in the past, but it didn’t stop her from feeling particularly ridiculous at that moment. Nor did it stop Kira from laughing. “Oh, we’ve really got to talk then, haven’t we?”
“If you’ll just go tell him we’re not going into town, I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.” Thankfully, there wasn’t much to tell. At least, that’s the story Tessa was going to stick to. Personally and publically. What had happened was simply an aberration. She and Roan acted on their crazy hormonal pull, and it was done. She’d make it clear to him that she appreciated his whole Rob Roy act, but that she didn’t need or want a protector, or, after much thought, a lover. But she wished him the best of luck in the future and all that lovely rot. Just not with Kira. She’d have to tell him that part, too. Didn’t seem right for the guy to strike out twice. It was for the best he knew right off so he could regroup and start a new campaign elsewhere.
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