by L. L. Crane
I studied Troll, a trigonometry equation I couldn’t quite figure out. He was barely more than a boy himself. I wondered what had caused him to want to be an Exile. Or at least try to be…what made him leave his home. Was he a thief? A murderer? My mind spun several different scenarios as to why Troll was in the abandoned subway tunnel. I would never have left the comforts of home if I wasn’t pregnant, if I knew I could keep the baby without endangering its life.
I leaned my back against the subway wall, mimicking Troll, the coldness seeping into my back. I was tired to the bone, but I dared not sleep. What if another mutant came? Troll said that he didn’t know if many were left, but one was definitely enough for me. I stared at the dead mutant, sprawled out before me. It was really sad, a human like animal splayed out on the floor, leaking its insides out all over the place. It was the first real death I had ever seen, and I was mesmerized at how easily its heart quit beating, how the life just flew out of it in an instant. Pan asked me if I could kill a human. Staring at the mutant, I wasn’t so sure of myself anymore.
I reached into my pack. I wasn’t hungry what with the huge beast spread out before us, but I thought of the baby inside of me. I hadn’t eaten since early morning when Pan and Garment and Blush stuffed me with so much food I thought I would bust.
Carefully, I dug out one of the sealed packages of rations. I opened the silver lining and pulled out the compact nutrition bar that was nestled inside. Before I could even take a bite, a voice interrupted, cascading toward me in hollow tunnel sounds.
“Not even going to share?” It was Troll. He had one eye open and the other closed. He looked silly, hunched down against the wall like that. I let out a little giggle, then suddenly felt guilty for not even offering some of my food to him. He had shared the alligator jerky with me.
“Sure,” I answered. “I thought you were asleep.” I broke off a chunk of the nutrition bar and handed it to him. He quickly snatched it with his grubby fingers, stuffing it into his mouth, like a half-starved urchin.
He didn’t bother closing his mouth as he chewed, talking at the same time. I turned away, repulsed by the food particles that were spilling about like dirty pebbles.
“You passed the first test.”
I was getting sick of Troll’s cryptic conversations. “What are you talking about?” My voice was beyond snarky.
“You didn’t steal the fingers and run.” He swallowed as if it was a difficult feat. “I was awake. Just seeing if you’d take ‘em.”
I laughed then, probably the first real laugh since I had left Garment’s studio. Out of habit I glanced at my arm to check for the time. But, of course, my tracker-timer was gone. “I thought about it,” I honestly told him. “I really did.”
He squished his face up, like he had just eaten something disgusting. “Why didn’t you?”
I thought for a minute. Why hadn’t I just taken the fingers and left him to be gatekeeper? Then it hit me. Gatekeeper. He shared the mutant’s fingers with me. Even before he knew I was pregnant.
“You shared them with me,” I told him, whispering as if I still needed to keep it a secret. “You shared the fingers with me first.”
“Smart move, Vanish.”
“I figured I’d need some help on the other side anyway. You know a hell of a lot more about the Asters than me.”
“Only ‘cause they’ve chased me back in here about a thousand times.” He genuinely smiled at me then, one of those conspiratorial smiles that only passes between close friends or family members. His teeth were jagged white rocks lined up crookedly in his mouth, and I wondered why he hadn’t had them straightened. “You got any string in that pack? Anything to make a necklace with?”
“Hmmmm….” I hadn’t packed for the trip to the Asters. Pan had done it for me. “I’m not sure,” I replied. “My…ah…friend packed for me.” Glancing over at Troll and then back to my pack, I opened it back up and began digging around for something to string the mutant fingers with.
As my hands groped through fabric, food, water, and other supplies, I was caught up with that same burning question. “Hey, Troll?”
“What?”
“How is it that you came to be here?” I furrowed my brow. “Why do you want to be an Exile?”
Chapter 31
Wire
It was quiet for a long time, and I wasn’t sure if he was going to answer, which spurred a streak of irritation within me. I had told him my darkest secret. To make matters worse, I had gotten used to Troll’s incessant chatter, foul language and all. It was as if he hadn’t talked to a human or seen a girl in years. Who knew, maybe he hadn’t. By then, his silence was unsettling. I ruffled the pup’s fur nervously, and she opened her brown, pain filled eyes.
Troll was leaning forward by then, his thin legs sticking up at the knees with his head resting on them. He sighed deeply.
“I guess I owe you the answer to that at least.”
“I…I was just curios.” I didn’t want to push him.
“You told me you were pregnant. I suppose I can tell you why I’m here.” His blue eyes cut into me, then focused directly on my stomach. He artfully changed the subject, though. “Where’s the baby’s dad?”
Tears threatened to well up in my eyes. I swallowed them back with great effort, thinking of Orion. “Gone,” I simply answered, stroking the pup’s head. She wagged her tail appreciatively.
“Found out about the baby and just up and left you, huh?”
“No…he left before I even knew.”
“Where’d he go?”
“I don’t know.” I pulled in a deep breath. “He was at school one day and then the next day he was just gone.”
“What a dick.”
I had this sudden desire to defend Orion. “It…it wasn’t like that at all.”
Troll looked down at the ground, his words soft. “If I had a pretty girl like you, I’d never leave you. No matter what. Even if you were pregnant.”
I thought about what Troll was saying, embarrassed by the compliment. I certainly didn’t feel pretty with my protruding stomach, swollen breasts, tattoos, and short hair. Not to mention the splattered mutant blood on my clothes and face. “You barely know me. And besides pretty isn’t everything.”
“I know. But I can tell...I know things.” He smiled crookedly at me with thin lips that were still splattered with specks of blood. I couldn’t even imagine kissing Troll’s lips like I had Orion’s full, passionate lips. Troll’s voice smoothed out, the roughness sanded down to a polished sheen. “You’re a good kid.”
“Hey, I told him. “You were supposed to tell me about you.”
“Yeah, well, it’s the same story as anyone who leaves the Provinces.”
“You got in some kind of trouble?”
“You could say that.”
“What did you…”
He didn’t let me finish, interrupting me with a loud, almost shouting voice. “I was just so fucking sick of getting the “charge”. Okay?” The pup lifted her ears and he breathed deeply. “Every fucking time I turned around they were zapping me. I…I couldn’t take it anymore.” He visibly choked, as if a charge of electricity was actually running up his spine at that moment. Then he closed his eyes, his lean shoulders quivering. When he spoke next, his voice was hushed and full of emotion. “Living in this tunnel is a million times better than getting that fucking “charge” every day. Even if you’re the damn keeper of the gate.”
“What about your parents?”
He tucked his head down, and I couldn’t make out any expression on his face. His voice was the wind, though, carrying a message both pure and clean and yet so dirty, I didn’t want to hear what he had to say. “You think everybody has a nice house with parents who love ‘em, take care of ‘em? Food enough to go around?”
“Oh…” My voice trailed off as I thought about Orion, how his father beat him, the welts and scars on his back and chest. I glanced down at the mangy pup and then over to Troll’s thin body. A
tear spilled down my cheek. For Orion. For Troll, the pup, and for the family I had back home who must be frantic about me, wondering where I was.
“I…I’m sorry. I didn’t know,” I blubbered.
“Shit.” He took a deep breath and then his face softened. “It’s okay.” He waited a few moments before changing the subject. I guessed that he had talked enough about himself. I knew the feeling. “Did you find anything in that pack? You know, to hang those fingers off of?”
I went back to digging around in the pack, a squirrel hunting for elusive acorns. It was still pretty dark in the tunnel and the pack appeared to be black inside. I felt around. It was mostly food, water, and clothing. As I rustled around, something sharp stuck my finger. “Ouch,” I squealed.
The pup sat up, cocking her head at me and Troll twisted his body toward me, concern in his voice. “What is it?” he asked.
“I don’t know.” I pulled my hand out of the pack. My finger had been pricked by something, and I immediately placed it in my mouth, sucking the blood off of it.
“How ‘bout some light?” Troll shined his light down into the pack.
“Bingo,” I heard him say, his voice bouncing off of the subway walls.
“What?”
I could hear the smile in his voice. “Wire. A whole fucking roll of wire.
Chapter 32
Father
Leaning forward, I watched as Troll carefully strung six of the hairy mutant fingers on the wire. It was difficult work, and swear words flew through the tunnels, winged bats with foul, open mouths. The fingers were still oozing blood and smelled as if something dead had crawled inside of each one. I gagged more than once, which caused Troll to stop what he was doing and raise his eyebrows, as if asking if I was okay. The pup was still sleeping, but she did manage to open her eyes once or twice.
I would just nod at Troll, tamping down the rumbling feeling in my gut. When he finished the first necklace, he strung it around my neck. His hands worked deftly, and as he tied the wire in a solid knot behind me, I couldn’t help but thinking of the necklace Orion had given me, how he fastened it behind me in the same manner.
Orion’s broken heart.
Troll’s bloody mutant fingers.
I chased the thoughts from my brain – the frazzled fragments of Orion, my family, my friends in Province A. Snow. Gods, I missed him so much.
Troll’s pleased voice pulled me out of my slump. “There,” he announced, apparently satisfied. He swiped his hands together and beamed at me.
Then he repeated the same process with the other six fingers, talking incessantly the entire time, mostly just giving me a play by play announcement of what he was doing.
I tuned out a lot of what he said, but I paid close attention to him when he talked about the Asters.
As he strung the final finger on his own necklace, his voice turned serious. “This is the plan. Someone gave you colors…red and blue. If you got another set in that pack, I’ll take them and wear them.”
“I…I think I have another set.” I remembered several jumpsuits smashed into the pack, but I wasn’t exactly sure what color they were.
“Good.” He breathed deeply, delicately threading the last finger through the wire. “This may sound weird, but you’re gonna be my woman. I know you probably aren’t into me, but you gotta pretend to be, or some guy’s gonna claim you and make you his.” He stopped what he was doing and seared my face with his eyes. “You don’t want that.” He accentuated the word don’t and I couldn’t help but wonder what I would have done if I hadn’t come across Troll.
“Okay…” I didn’t know if Troll was just making this up so I could be his apparent girlfriend or if he was telling the truth. I decided I had to trust him. I didn’t have too many choices. Then his first words warbled in my mind. “Never trust anyone.” How was I going to survive if I couldn’t at least trust this odd boy?
“If we don’t pretend to be…you know…together…and one of those guys in a band claims you and then finds out you were already pregnant…that the baby isn’t his, he’ll kill you.”
I swallowed. “Okay…I can do that.” I blew out a hot steam of air. The tunnel was becoming stagnant, the smell of the carcass clenching my stomach into a knot. The thought of being killed because I was pregnant only made it worse, the walls seeming to close in on me.
“This is the story, okay?” He didn’t even wait for a response from me. “You came to the subway, same as me, to get away from some bad shit…your parents beat you, whatever.”
I agreed with him. “That sounds as good as anything.”
He continued, skillfully stringing the necklace around his own neck as if he had done it many times before. “You and I hit it off here in the tunnels, fell in love.” He twisted his head toward me. “How far along are you?”
“Pan…my friend says I’m about four months along.” I held my head down, ashamed.
“Perfect. I’ve been in here about six or seven months. They’ve seen me on the other side...always alone though. That would give us time to…” He blushed then, and I had to laugh.
“To do the dirty deed?” I asked him.
“Yeah.” He grinned at me. “That’s got to be our story.” He paused, staring up at the ceiling of the tunnel and then at the mutant splayed out before us. “And Vanish?”
I faltered, still getting used to my new name. “Yeah,” I answered hesitantly.
His blue eyes locked onto mine. Blue against blue, just like so many times with Orion. His words were sincere, quiet, and calm. Determined. “I will raise that baby. You know as my own.” He breathed in deeply. “I’ll be a father to it.”
Chapter 33
Promise
I hadn’t thought of someone being a father to the baby, other than Orion. But at that moment, Troll seemed as good as anyone. It wasn’t like I had a line of boys applying for the job. I nodded in agreement, smiled one of those half fake and half real smiles. “Thanks.”
He flipped a switch then, turning cold. “We better get outta here,” he snipped.
I felt bad, like he somehow knew what I was thinking. “No, I mean, it. Thank you. For, you know, offering to be a father to the baby. It’s just…” I broke off. I didn’t even know how I felt about the baby yet, hadn’t stopped to think any further than just keeping it alive. “…it’s probably going to have S.L.A.G., anyway.”
Troll tipped back his head and laughed, only this time it wasn’t annoying. When he stopped, he turned to me, his voice quiet. “You fucking believed everything they told you, didn’t you?”
I immediately became defensive. “What are you talking about? I have four sibs with S.L.A.G. Three are Spectrum Red.” I sucked in a deep breath and stood up, started rummaging through my pack for another jumpsuit for Troll.
He remained perched against the subway wall, and in the dim light I could make out more large letters and designs behind him. Ancient graffiti.
“You know how many S.L.A.G.s are in the Asters?”
“Probably the same.”
“How about none?” He stood up and was glaring at me. “I had S.L.A.G. sibs, too. Killed ‘em when they were born, they did. I watched my mom go crazy from it.”
I couldn’t believe what he was telling me. Killing all of the S.L.A.G babies? It was inconceivable. I narrowed my eyes in accusation.
My voice was threatening. “How do you know how many S.L.A.G.s are in the Asters?” I thought for a minute about all of the things Troll claimed to know, my voice rising in irritation. I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at him. “How do you know any of this stuff…about what goes on in the Asters? And how have you been able to eat and drink and survive in this tunnel for all this time?” Gods, I was stupid just believing everything he told me. For all I knew a necklace of mutant fingers might get me killed. I found a blue and red jumpsuit, pulled it out of my pack and shoved it at him.
He snatched it from my hands and his face grimaced as he spoke. “I don’t know. Someone leaves f
ood and water in the boxes for me.” He sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “I have no idea why…or who does it.”
I lowered my voice, not sure which avenue to take with him. “That’s weird,” I answered accusingly. Then I remembered Pan telling me about people along the way who would help me. That must have been what he was talking about. But why would they want someone in the tunnel for such a long time? I needed answers to the questions that spiraled in my mind, but I didn’t seem to be getting anywhere with Troll.
As my mind drifted, Troll started undressing right in front of me. He slipped his shirt off, and at first his chest reminded me of a chicken’s. He was so thin and scrawny. Still, I noticed muscle definition underneath his protruding skin and bones. I took in a sharp breath when he started unbuttoning his pants, turning away to give him privacy.
His voice echoed off of the subway walls, and the pup whined, singing in harmony with him. “Don’t want to see me naked, huh?”
I snipped an answer quickly. “I was just being polite.” I twisted back toward him, averting my eyes from his half naked body.
“Were you polite when you went and got yourself pregnant?” He raised his eyebrows in an infuriating challenge.
Gods, this guy was driving me nuts. “Yes,” I screamed at him. Then, “No, I don’t know. It just happened, okay. Just one fucking time!”
“You didn’t get the Shot?” His voice was quiet and his blue eyes seared into mine.
Gulping, I answered slowly, as if he was a small child. “I passed out when they were giving it to me, so I’m not sure if I actually got it the first time. My mom, the Head of Arbitration, had me put in jail, so I missed the second one. Bingo. I’m pregnant.”
