by Tijan
"Wait." Wariness came over me now. "Are you still dating Jessica?"
His hand fell to his side with a thump. "Are you kidding? She's dating some wrestler from community college."
And from how he looked away, I knew there was more to it. I guessed, "And she's cheating on him with you?"
He looked down at the floor.
"Do you not learn, Jeff? My god." I wanted to wring his neck, but I needed to make myself clear. "Whatever you're going to ask of me, there will be no Jessica or Lydia attached at your hip. I mean it. You go back and forth with Jessica. I have no idea why, but I won't have her in my life again. I am done with both of them."
"I'm done with them too. I mean it. And that isn't what this is about. I promise."
I heard the insistency in his tone. I wanted to walk away from him, the guy deserved it after what he had done to me, but my feet didn't move. Then I realized what I heard, there was also desperation in him. And something that sounded close to…agony? When I looked again, I was seeing a different Jeff. He'd been a sarcastic badboy, but there was something new now. Vulnerability.
"What do you want?" I folded, but I was cursing at myself in my head.
A grin flared before he nodded, somber again. "Okay. So, we both know our history. I cheat on every girl I date. But I've met someone new."
I already knew where he was going with this. "And you don't want to do that to her?"
He nodded.
"You don't want to cheat on her?"
He nodded again, more eager.
"And you want to be the good guy she thinks you are?"
"Yeah! See you're perfect for this. It's like you know me."
I smacked him in the back of his head. "Because I do and you're not that guy. You cheat, that's what you do. Stop cheating and your problem is solved. Stop wasting my time. I have a mission."
"What mission?"
"I need friends. I have to make friends."
"I'm your friend."
"No, you're not. You're my ex boyfriend. We're not friends."
I started to leave again, but he darted in front. "Hear me out, please."
I growled at him.
"I will help you with your mission."
"You will?" Suspicion slammed against my chest. "How?"
"I know a lot of these girls. I cheated on you, a lot."
I growled at him again.
"You help me learn how to be a good boyfriend and I'll rally some girls to look out for you at your new school."
The suspicion lessened a little. "You heard about that, huh?"
"Everybody did. It's big news when Kade's girl won't be going to our school anymore. The Elite are crestfallen. They can't use you to get to them."
I frowned. "I thought they gave up on that long ago."
He shrugged. "I heard they were regrouping. Miranda's the leader again. She's preaching against any girl who sleeps with Logan Kade again."
I shook my head. "Will she never learn?"
"Who cares. Their funerals if they want to mess with the Kades again. Being burned by being a hypocritical bitch didn't teach her a lesson. Who's to stop her from getting burned again?" He winked at me with a devilish smirk.
"I didn't know you weren't such a fan of Miranda Stewart's?"
He glanced away as his shoulders tensed. "A lot's been going on you don't know about."
"Like what?"
"Look, will you help me learn how to not cheat? I'll get those girls to help you, promise. I'm good for that. I mean it."
"There will be no 'us' anymore. We're clear on that?"
Horror flared in his eyes before he shook his head, grimacing. "You think I want to get killed? No way in hell do I want to mess with either of those Kades." Then his face transformed. The same devilish look came back and he turned into the smooth Casanova I knew he could become. "I wouldn't mind meeting Logan Kade, though. I like to think of myself as an apprentice of his. We're cut from the same cloth."
"The same cloth?"
"Yeah." At my disbelief, he nodded again. "With the ladies. They love us."
"Logan had a serious girlfriend one time."
"He did?"
"You want to know how he handled that and his 'ladies'?"
He leaned forward. "I'm eager to learn. Yeah, how'd he handle having a relationship?"
"He didn't cheat on her." I grabbed his shirt and yanked him out of the way. Then I smacked him on the back of his head again. "Problem solved. Now go away."
As I pushed through the crowd, he called after me, "That doesn't help me, but fine. I'll hold up my side of the bargain, Sam. You'll see and then you'll help me! I know you will."
"Idiot," I mumbled under my breath.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
"You did this!" she screamed at me. Her hands were raised, and she didn't look right. I gulped for breath. I couldn't breathe. My chest hurt, why did it hurt so much? But I couldn't tear my eyes away from her.
I whimpered, "Mom?"
She shook her head from side to side. She kept going, faster and faster, until she slid down the wall stopping in a huddle on the floor. She curled into a ball and rocked herself as her head kept shaking.
Oh god. I fell to my knees beside her. "Mom?" This wasn't right. I knew this wasn't right, but I didn't know what to do. "Please say something, mom."
Her hand twitched on her leg. Her head whipped up, and she hissed before she launched herself at me.
I jerked awake. My heart was pounding.
It was hot, too hot. I kicked at the covers so I could feel some cool air, and then I took deep breaths. I needed to calm down. My heart kept racing. It wouldn't stop. Easing to the edge of the bed, I pressed my forehead between my legs and gulped for more oxygen. My hands were clammy. My forehead was wet from sweat, the same sweat that I felt over the rest of my body.
Mason moaned next to me and I held still. I didn't want to wake him up. Slowly, inch by inch, I eased out of the bed but tripped as I reached for a robe on the couch. Catching myself before I fell all the way to the floor, I gritted my teeth and waited until my legs felt sturdier. I put on one of his sweatshirts and his sweatpants. Safe. I took another breath and felt my pulse slowing down. I felt better.
But I shook my head. I couldn't get her out of there. Flashes of my mother kept coming at me and I wanted to stop remembering that night. Even thinking about it made my heart start pounding again. I pressed a finger against my neck and felt my vein pulsating.
I was in a nightmare. She was always there now. Every time I closed my eyes, that night was there and I remembered the attack. I clenched my teeth together and clasped my eyes shut. I couldn't—I wouldn't. Not again.
Mason rolled over in bed. His hand started to reach for me, but he tucked it under his pillow. The sheet slipped down to his waist. His shoulders bulged as both of his arms were curled under his pillow. The movement set his shoulder blades out and his back tapered down to where the sheet had fallen, over his narrow waist.
I'd never get enough of him. I knew that, then and there, and a pang of guilt speared me.
He wasn't living with his dad because of me. I had come between them, and Mason would be gone after a semester. My stomach shook at that reminder so I focused on the year after. It'd be me and Logan, all alone.
It wasn't a viable option for Logan and me to live at Nate's for the next year. Mason wouldn't want that. I wouldn't even want that, so what then? And Helen? I knew she wouldn't accept this situation. I would bet money that she already had some plan concocted. She would want Logan to move back with her in L.A. or she would here and he would live in her house.
Not me. I was alone. Every scenario ended with me being alone.
No mother. No father, neither of them. Something wet fell on my cheek and I brushed it away. I was so stupid. Why was I crying? But I was. I huddled back in the chair and lifted my legs. Pressing them against my chest, I wrapped my arms around them and drew in a shuddering breath.
I had to make the situation better.
I had to fix things.
My stomach dropped. I knew what I had to do.
I grabbed my phone and texted her. Then I waited with my heart pounding, but it wasn't long. I got the response within a minute and it was settled.
With lead in my gut, I got up and slipped on some shoes, and then I turned and headed out the door.
When I stepped into the Kade foyer, everything was dark and my heart skipped a beat. Maybe she wasn't there? A part of me didn't want her to be there, but I heard her move and my heart skipped over another beat.
There she was. She was in a chair at the table. The moonlight filtered in through the large windows behind her.
She spoke first, as if nothing happened. "Hello, Samantha."
I scowled, but hid it in the next breath. "Hello."
"No mother? No Analise? What have we come to?"
I readied myself. "So bright and cheery, it's like you've never done a thing to hurt me or my family."
She sucked in her breath. "It was my family too."
"No, mom. Your family is yourself, maybe James since he hasn't left you. But I doubt that'll last. You'll do something to push him away. You'll cheat on him, kill his baby, attack him even."
"You watch your words." Her tone was stone cold. "Right now."
"Fine."
"Fine."
A moment of silence passed between us, but there was so much I wanted to say.
"So you called me for this meeting," she prompted me.
My heart went flat. I couldn't say what I wanted to say, not to her. She wouldn't listen. She would defend. She would attack. She'd never listen so I sighed in surrender. "I want you to agree that you'll stay away from me."
"If?"
"What?"
She leaned forward. Her eyes sparkled in the moonlight, and I saw the rage in there again. It was contained now, for the moment. I wondered when it would come out again. Then she sighed from irritation. "You came to me. You want me to stay away from you. I'm guessing there's something that'll come after that. You want me to stay away from you if…if what? If you come back? If you move in with David? What's the if? What do you want, darling child of mine?"
"For one, never refer to me as that again. It'll be like we're not related. Do you understand?"
"Crystal."
I winced. A knife slipped inside of me with that one word, with the chilling tone of her voice. I tried to ignore the pain. I was the one who needed to act like we weren't family. I needed to forget her, forget that she had ever been my mother.
"Is that it?"
I could hear the rolling of her eyes. I gritted my teeth against it. "I think James is a good man."
"He is."
Her dark silhouette straightened in the chair. There was pride in her voice now.
I added, "Mason and Logan will not move back in with their father unless I come too. You know that and James knows that. And you know that James wants them here."
She murmured, softly, "He loves them very much."
My teeth gritted together. She didn't get to act like she cared. "Stop. Just stop. They're not your boys. They're not your family. You are lucky to have their father love you, but they will never accept you." I drew in a shuddering breath. "They'll tolerate you, if I ask them to. Or they'll make your life hell, and after Mason heard his mom, he wants to. He's waiting for the chance to make you pay. I know the only reason he hasn't is because he's been worried about me." I leaned forward and placed my elbows on the table. It was cold against my skin. Goosebumps slithered up and down my arms. "So I have a proposition for you."
I waited as she sat there. I waited for her reaction.
"What?" She lifted her shoulders, her tone snippy.
Anger exploded in me. I wanted to reach across the table and grab her. I wanted to slam her head down, and I wanted to keep doing it until she cared. But she never would. So I sat there, and I counted to ten for patience.
When I felt something resembling it, I waited another ten, and then started, "I will move back in if you agree that there is no relationship between us. We will live in the same home, but that's it. I'm no longer your daughter. You're no longer my mother. You have no say with me, whatsoever." I tried to ignore the pounding in my chest. "When I spend time with David, you will say nothing. You will do nothing."
Her mouth tightened.
I didn't care. "When and if I go to Boston to see Garrett, you will say nothing. You will do nothing. It's as if I'm not even your child. I will only be your future stepson's girlfriend, who lives here. That's it. And you won't say a word about this to James. If you do," a layer of tears rested over my eyes. They were ready to fall, but I kept going in a hoarse whisper, "if you say a word, I will allow Mason and Logan free reign on you. They can do anything to you that they want."
As she paled, a sick darkness started in me. It grew as I continued, "They won't just hurt you. They'll take him away from you."
Her eyes closed. Her arms started to tremble so she wrapped the ends of her nightgown around her. She seemed so tiny in that moment.
Again, I didn't care. I murmured, "You know what I'm saying is true. You have manipulated everyone in your life, and you have hurt everyone in your life. There's a trail of damage behind you, to me, to David, to Garrett, to whoever impregnated you." A wall of ice was forming around my heart. "You are manipulating James. You should leave him because you're hurting him."
"I'm not," she whispered.
"He lost his sons over you. Because of you, he threw them out."
Her hand jerked up and she flicked a tear away. "I didn't mean for him to lose them. I didn't, Sam. I just wanted respect—"
"You wanted control," I hissed as my hands curled around the edge of the table. I clung to it, holding myself back. I had to keep it together until I could leave. Then I would collapse, but until then, I fought for my own control. "You wanted Mason away from me because someone else would love me."
"No," she whimpered. Her head fell down.
I nodded, to myself. A deep sob hitched in my voice, "Someone else would be there for me, and I would leave you. That's what all of this was about. Wasn't it?"
I waited. She didn't answer.
"Wasn't it?" My voice rose.
She shook her head, but she whispered, "It all went so fast. I couldn't control it. It spiraled out, and I couldn't stop it." More tears fell, and she sobbed. "I couldn't handle it. What they did to me, what I saw them doing to you. They were taking you away from me. They were making me look like the bad guy, and then David and Garrett were there. They both wanted you in their lives, I couldn't handle it. I can't lose my only daughter—"
I almost stood, but clamped down on the chair. I willed myself to remain there. I needed to hear her submission.
She kept going, broken before me. "You're mine, Samantha!" Her eyes snapped open.
I saw her madness in them, but it didn't scare me anymore.
She spat out, "No one can take you away from me. No one can touch you—"
"I'm already gone."
She stopped as she gasped for breath.
"I'm gone. I don't care about you. You've killed every last inch of love I might've had for you. You tried to make things right before, but you couldn't even do that. You called Garrett and told him about me. You were trying to be a good mother to me. But you couldn't handle it, could you?"
"You're my baby. No one can have you." Her lip wobbled as more tears streamed down. "It was wrong to call Garrett. He shouldn't have ever known about you. And David…" She sighed and looked away. "He only stayed with me because of you. He left me once, did you know that?"
I nodded.
"Dad?" I pushed open their bedroom door.
The memory jarred me, but she didn't notice. Her eyes were downcast again. Her voice sounded distant to me. "What I did to you was wrong. What I did to your brother and sister was wrong, but I couldn't lose him. He knew that I had cheated. I couldn't keep the evidence."
My eyes went wide.
That's what they were to her? Evidence?
"But I couldn't think about them—they weren't like how you were to me. I knew I was pregnant so I brought it up to David. We'd been together a lot more around that time, and we were always unprotected. He thought I was on birth control, but I stopped. I wasn't thinking right." Her voice lowered to a raspy sound. "I never knew he couldn't have kids. He never told me until that night. He said that I told him in the beginning I would never want any more children, that one was enough, so he never thought about it."
It was my worst nightmare come true.
"We fought that night. Later, I walked in on him packing a suitcase. I went crazy. I started throwing things. I threw his clothes everywhere. He couldn't go. He couldn't leave me." Her shoulders started to shake. She buried her head in her hands and more sobs came out. "I couldn't lose him, but he left anyway. He said that he hadn't signed up for that. I didn't know where he went. I kept calling and calling, but he never picked up. Then I found his phone, he had left his phone on the counter in the kitchen. I had nowhere to call, no one to help me. I thought it was the only thing I could do. No one wanted me. I couldn't lose David; I was still in love with him then."
I was frozen in my chair. I couldn't look away, but I couldn't keep hearing this. I didn't want to know, even though I already did know. It was the worst night of my life, unfolding before me again. I couldn't stop it. A part of me didn't want to; I needed to know everything so it made sense. Some of it had to make sense. Some of it had to be for some reason.
As she dissolved into tears, I ripped out, "And when you came back? What then?"
She sucked in her breath and lifted horrified eyes to me. They were bleak and empty. Her makeup was smudged around her. They formed black rings around her eyes and she shook her head. Her lip trembled again, but then she bit down on it. She sucked in her breath. Her chest tightened. Her shoulders lifted, and she kept shaking her head.
I closed my eyes.
She started again in a deep voice, "I didn't know what I was doing." No. That wasn't right. I shook my head, ready to tell her that when she added, "I was wrong that night. I killed my children inside of me and you were taking care of me. I was grieving, Sam, and I was keeping it a secret. I knew what they thought. They wanted me to go to counseling, but it wasn't my life that I wanted to end. It was theirs, but then you were there and they weren't. They said if I killed you, they'd come back."
