by Beth Wiseman
“Are you going to tell her you lost that little book?”
Charlotte sighed. “I don’t know.” She grunted, slapping her hand to her leg. “I cannot believe I did that. I am so mad at myself. When I was reading that man’s butterfly book, I must have set Ethan’s notebook on the seat beside me, or it fell on the floor—something. Speaking of, I need to try to get that book back to that sweet old man.” Frowning, she shook her head. “I bet the flight attendant didn’t look very hard. But to answer your question, no, I don’t think I’ll tell Hannah that just yet, even in a letter. She’s got enough going on with her mother. I’m going to, um . . . I’m going to pray about it.” Smiling at Ryan, she added, “I do a lot of that these days. And I am never going to tell another lie for the rest of my life.”
“We talked about that. Sometimes it’s hard.” Ryan leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. “I’ll pray about it too. But for now, I gotta go.”
“So soon?” Charlotte stood up when he did and walked with him to the front door of her apartment.
“Yeah, I’ve got an early meeting in the morning I need to get ready for this evening, and you have work to do. Dinner was fantastic.” He kissed her gently, lingering as he put his hand around the back of her neck. “But I’m still waiting on some homemade bread.”
“That was a low-calorie dinner. But I promise I’ll make you some bread soon now that I have the recipe. Although, no guarantees. I learned a few things from Lena and Hannah toward the end of my stay, but I’m still no expert in the kitchen.”
“I’ll call you later.” He kissed her again before he left.
Charlotte decided not to wait until tomorrow to write Hannah back. After she’d showered and wrapped up her editorial notes, she crawled into bed and positioned on her lap the same yellow pad she’d used in Pennsylvania. How was she ever going to be able to articulate how she felt? Once again, she prayed. This time for God to give her the words.
Dear Hannah,
I was so happy to receive your letter, but also very sad to hear about your mother. Please know that I am willing and able to do whatever you might need me to do. Lena is welcome to stay with me. I’ll take her to her treatments at the hospital, and care for her. Please let me do this. I know I can’t make up for the lies I told you and your family, but I care deeply about all of you. I miss you. I knew I couldn’t stay there forever, but you were the closest thing to a real family I’ve ever had. And for what it’s worth, I can completely understand why Ethan wanted to be there.
She paused, fearing that Ethan’s reason for taking his life would haunt her forever.
I know now that we can reach out to God from anywhere on the planet, but for me . . . I met the Lord and got to know Him while I was in Pennsylvania, so your home and family will always hold a special place in my heart. I wanted so badly to blame someone for Ethan’s death, to believe that he’d been brainwashed. I know now how wrong I was. I am begging for your forgiveness.
It gives me great comfort to know that Ethan wasn’t romantically involved with Edna. I just didn’t think it was in Ethan’s DNA to cheat. Someday, you’ll have to tell me what the picture was all about. And I am also glad that things are working out with you and Isaac. He was a friend to me, and he seems to be a really good guy. I am spending a lot of time with my friend Ryan, and just like you and Isaac, we have known each other for years.
I don’t feel like the same person that I was when I arrived in Pennsylvania. I’d like to feel that I’m a better person, or at the least, working hard to be a better person. I want very much to help your mother. And I would very much like for us to be friends. I think that would have made Ethan happy, and I miss you. Please call me.
Many blessings and love,
Charlotte
She leaned back against her pillow and closed her eyes, knowing there would come a point when Hannah would ask if Charlotte read the book. And since Charlotte was determined not to lie, maybe it was best she’d lost it. The old Charlotte would have thought that God was punishing her somehow by denying her resolve about Ethan. But even though Ethan’s reasons for killing himself might linger for a long time, she knew that God wasn’t punishing her. He wanted her to be happy, for all of His children to be happy, and through free will, that was possible. Somehow, her not knowing about Ethan was part of His overall plan, and she’d have to live with that, trusting that God knew what was best.
The next morning, she checked her e-mail and then decided to take a walk to the nearby park. She felt lighter than usual, almost as if through prayer, God was slowly lifting her burdens, making it easier to walk without the weight of worry and fear on her shoulders. She was dedicated to staying in the light of the Lord, where no matter what happened, she was determined to keep her trust in Him, that He always had a plan.
She slipped the letter to Hannah in the outgoing mail slot outside her apartment building, and when she saw a butterfly near her, she held her arms parallel to the ground, surprised that it landed on her hand. She couldn’t help but wonder if the butterfly brought a message, was an angel, or just a reminder of the beauty that surrounds all of us.
After her walk, Charlotte stopped at the cluster of mailboxes for her complex, and turned the key in her personal mailbox, grumbling under her breath at the way the mailman had stuffed a package into the small space, a package that should have been left at the manager’s office for Charlotte to pick up. Once she wrangled it out, she saw that the return address was Bush Continental Airport in Houston, and her heart leapt from her chest as she ripped it open.
“Ethan’s journal,” she whispered as she unfolded the letter she’d almost ripped in half during the process. She gingerly ran her hand over the symbols on the front. Ryan had told her at the airport when she’d described the book to him that Alpha and Omega were derived from the statement said by Jesus in Revelation about being the Alpha and Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.
Charlotte held the book, the letter, and the envelope to her chest, and ran back to her apartment, pushing the elevator button repeatedly until it dinged to go up. Barely over the threshold, she dropped her purse, keys, envelope, and letter on the floor before she kicked the door closed behind her. She went straight to her computer, something Hannah could have done if she’d known how.
She went to Google and typed in: Pig Latin to English Translator, and several sites pulled up. Her heart raced as she thought about all the times she and Ethan had played the word game when they were kids, even though their mother hated it. She could recall getting a hard slap across the face for using it because her mother couldn’t understand what they were saying to each other.
Recalling the rules, a consonant or consonant cluster at the beginning of a word got moved to the end of the word and “ay” was added. She could have figured all of this out on her own but it would have taken forever. This way she could just type it into the translator, which was still going to take some time, but not nearly as long as deciphering the code manually after all these years. She opened to the first page, then chose a translator online. She typed in the first few sentences and hit Enter. And right away, she knew that things had not been as they’d seemed.
Isaac stood alongside his mother, both of them watching Isaac’s father on the plow, guiding the mules in preparation of the fall harvest. It was the first time in over three years that his father had been on the plow.
“What made him decide to tackle this by himself all of a sudden?” Isaac stared in wonderment and thanks. Maybe Isaac could start on the daadi haus, especially since things were progressing with him and Hannah. There would be several weddings coming up following the harvest, and weddings always seemed to ignite romance for the ladies. He was in love with Hannah, but he hadn’t told her yet. He hoped that this time next yea
r they would be getting ready for their own wedding.
Isaac’s mother sighed, shaking her head. “Maybe he got tired of plotting and planning to chop me up for firewood.” She laughed out loud and playfully slapped Isaac on the arm.
“Mamm, you laugh every time you say that out loud, but it’s really not funny.” He scowled, but couldn’t help but grin when she laughed again.
“First of all, your father just needed a dose of tough love to realize that he wasn’t half a man, the way he always referred to himself. And his medication did seem to be playing with his head. He hasn’t mentioned chopping me up in weeks.” She bent at the waist and snorted as she laughed, then quickly straightened, forced composure, and smoothed the wrinkles in her black apron. “Besides, I would have kicked that fake leg of his right out from underneath him if he’d come at me with an axe.”
Isaac had noticed a playfulness between his parents lately, so he was going to assume that it was okay for his mother to laugh about his father’s comment, since it sure tickled her something fierce every time it was mentioned.
“Ach, so tell me . . . how are things with you and the King girl?” His mother pulled a feather duster and busied herself at the knickknacks on the fireplace mantel.
“Gut. We will be going to John and Edna’s wedding together.” Isaac wished he didn’t have to attend the event. Every time he saw Edna, he envisioned her with Ethan at the restaurant that day. He’d questioned what he saw a hundred times, but Ethan’s persistence that Isaac not tell Hannah was enough evidence of his guilt.
“How is Lena doing? It frightens me how many people in our district have turned up with the cancer. And to make things worse, we’re forced to spend extended time among the Englisch for treatment.”
“Not all Englisch are bad, Mamm.”
His mother gasped. “Isaac. I did not say they were bad. I’d just rather not have to spend so much time around them. And that cousin of theirs, Mary . . . well, she was a gut example why we need to stay separate from their kind.” She turned to face him. “I shudder to think how you could have ended up with that maedel.”
“It was never like that with me and Charlotte, Mamm. We were friends.”
“There is always trouble when outsiders are allowed into our world. I don’t think they should be able to convert to our ways. Ethan and Mary both brought trouble to our community. Ethan broke poor Hannah’s heart, and Mary . . . ach, we know how that went.”
By now, everyone knew that Charlotte had pretended her name was Mary, and they knew that Charlotte was Ethan’s sister. What they didn’t know was that Lena had agreed to stay with Charlotte in Houston during her chemotherapy sessions that would be starting in a few weeks.
Charlotte had just said good-night to Ryan when her cell phone chirped.
“Hannah?”
“Wie bischt . . . Charlotte.” She paused for a long while. “I still can’t get used to that.”
“How is your mother?”
“That’s why I’m calling.”
Charlotte could hear the tremble in Hannah’s voice, and she wondered if it was because she was nervous making the call or scared for her mother. “At first, Daed forbade Mamm to stay with you in Houston, but Jacob talked to him for a long time. I don’t know what was said, but Daed has agreed. I’m worried that this will be too much trouble for you.”
“No.” Charlotte smiled as a heaviness lifted from her heart. “I am so happy to do this, Hannah. Like I said, I know I can’t make up for what happened, but . . .”
“Were you able to read Ethan’s book?”
Charlotte had hoped to avoid this conversation, and she’d prayed about it every day. She squeezed her eyes closed as she recalled translating the first few pages.
I am in love with a woman named Edna. I see her as often as I can. I feel awful for Hannah because I don’t think I ever really loved her. I know I never deserved her love, but Edna is the only woman I want to be with.
From there, Ethan had gone on to detail his relationship with Edna, not Hannah. And forty-two pages later, it was quite clear to Charlotte that Ethan killed himself because he had a lot of emotional problems left over from when they were young—and because Edna would not leave John to be with Ethan. One page stood out in particular, and Charlotte had read it so many times, she practically had it memorized.
I’ve left eight voicemail messages for Edna this week. I can tell she has her cell phone turned off, and she won’t call me back. Twice, when I caught up with her at the market, and another time at the bookstore, she tried to avoid me. I don’t get it. She said she loved me. I’m starting to believe that love isn’t real. It’s a word people throw around to pull you in, only to throw you away later, like a piece of trash. But hey, who am I to talk? I did the same thing to Hannah, so maybe this is what I deserve. Whatever the situation, it’s become abundantly clear to me that I’m never going to be happy. I thought I’d found God here in Lancaster County, but that’s not panning out the way I’d hoped. He seems to have forsaken me, allowed me to creep into a sinful way of living, and then kicked me to the curb like everyone else I’ve ever known. Except maybe Charlotte. But my sister has her own issues, so I can’t really go to her.
Charlotte was afraid that part would haunt her forever. She closed her eyes as she recalled the rest of the page.
So, here I am. Alone. The voices in my head are loud, and sometimes I want to just shut them up forever. Alma Jean pops into my head all the time. I can hear her saying, “Boy, get over here and drop your pants.” I can feel the sting of the belt against my rear, so hard my skin would split and bleed, then she’d be mad because there was blood on the sheets. She was a mean foster-mother. But not the meanest.
I’m going to give Edna a week. I know she’ll realize that I’m the one she wants to be with. She just needs some time.
Charlotte wondered how long Ethan had waited. She was still thinking about this when she heard Hannah’s voice.
“Charlotte, are you there? Were you able to read Ethan’s book?”
“What? Yes.” She gave her head a quick shake to get her thoughts back in order. “It was in a fun little language we used to play around with when we were kids.” She cleared her throat. “So, when is your mother coming for her treatments? I’m eager to see her. Thank you all for allowing me to do this. I miss you and—”
“What did his book say?”
Charlotte would have paid good money just to hear Hannah say that they’d all missed her, too, and to avoid this conversation altogether, especially by phone. But the moment was upon her. Was she going to lie to Hannah? Again? Or break her heart and tell her that Ethan loved Edna and gave up his life because he couldn’t have her?
It was chilly in Charlotte’s apartment, but beads of sweat gathered along her hairline. She’d promised God she would do everything in her power to be truthful, but at what expense? “Ethan had a lot of problems, Hannah. Emotional problems.”
There was a long, brittle silence. “Ya. I know.”
“Do you think that your mother will be on a special diet, or is there anything special that I can cook for her?” Charlotte squeezed her eyes tight again.
“It’s true about Edna, isn’t it?”
Charlotte took a deep breath. “Yes.”
“I think I knew the moment I saw the picture. Despite Edna lying about it.”
“Hannah, I’m so sorry.”
“Danki for telling me.”
Charlotte loved her brother, and she’d always miss him. But she was angry at him for hurting Hannah. “What about you and Isaac?”
“Things are very gut. Danki for asking.”
Charlott
e wasn’t sure if Hannah’s formality was because she was trying not to cry or if she was still just so angry with Charlotte that it was hard for her to share anything personal. “Are things getting serious?”
“Ya. I think so.” She paused. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
Charlotte waited for Hannah to ask about her and Ryan, but she was quiet. “Well, that sounds good. I’ve been praying things work out for both of you.”
“I’m not praying anymore,” Hannah whispered. “It is hard for me to trust anyone.” Charlotte had to pull the phone away from her ear as Hannah began to weep. “And it’s not just your people that lie. Our own lie. And Edna and John will get married soon, and I don’t understand why God let this happen. Charlotte, I don’t feel God with me anymore. I’m scared of losing my mother. I can’t seem to commit myself to a life with Isaac. I miss Mary. I miss my friend, my sister.”
“It’s still me, Hannah. I promise you. It’s me.” Charlotte grabbed a tissue as she broke out in sobs along with Hannah, who kept trying to say something, but Charlotte couldn’t understand her.
Finally, after several attempts to speak clearly, Charlotte heard her say, “I feel lost. I’m thinking of leaving here. Leaving the Amish faith.”
This could be Charlotte’s shining moment in God’s eyes, or she could fail miserably. But for whatever reason, everything that had happened up to now seemed to all come down to this moment for Charlotte, and even though she technically knew she didn’t owe God anything, she wanted to do this right. There was purpose in it, and she could make a difference in a life. She curled her feet underneath her, forced herself to be calm and levelheaded, then silently prayed for God to give her the words, the understanding, and the wisdom to minister to one of His faithful followers who was in trouble. It was a role she couldn’t have ever foreseen, but one she took on knowing that God’s hand was on this.
