by Lily Paradis
His chin is on the top of the back of my head, and I know he can feel every single tremor that runs through my body as I continue to shiver.
The shock starts to wear off, and I feel like I should explain what just happened, but I’m not sure how.
“I always wanted to be Eva Green,” I say softly.
“How so?”
When he speaks, I can feel his jaw moving against my head and his voice reverberating through my back.
“Casino Royale. Vesper Lynd.”
“Only slightly different from this situation,” he says with mild sarcasm.
I can feel him smiling.
I sigh deeply and try to think of where to begin. “I hate the rain.”
“I gathered that. Are you okay?”
“As okay as I’ll ever be.”
I turn to face him, so I can see his reactions, and I’m slightly distracted by the state of his shirt.
“My parents died during a rainstorm. We were in the car, and the road collapsed in front of us. I watched both of them die.”
He doesn’t say he’s sorry, but his expression changes to what looks like anger laced with concern.
My heart hurts because this man is upset at the world for doing this to me.
I don’t deserve for him to feel this way, or any way, about me.
“I made it. My grandparents raised me. But now, when it rains, all I can see is my view from the passenger seat as they were pulled under by the current and how I wasn’t. They weren’t sucked out of the car. They were just trapped. They died two feet away from me, holding hands.”
He reaches out and removes a piece of my hair plastered to my face, so it’s not inching toward my mouth every time I talk.
“I tried to drown myself in that car,” I tell him.
I realize I haven’t said this to anyone before—not Catherine, Colin, or Jesse. I think Colin knows because it’s what he would have done, too—only Colin would have succeeded.
“I put my head under the water, and I tried, but I failed. There’s a mechanism in your body that won’t let you drown yourself if it’s possible to get air. It’s impossible without outside forces holding you down. The back end of the car was up only inches higher than the front. Death was so close but so far…” I trail off.
Just like that, Hayden knows how awful I am, how there’s a volatile darkness that lives inside me. Although it’s been muted as of late, it’s still there. It’ll always be there. He deserves someone who is full of light, like Catherine—not someone like me who could drag him down into the abyss.
“Okay.”
That’s all he says.
Just one complacent word, and he’s accepted one of my worst flaws.
Old Tate would have lashed out and tried everything possible to drive him away. I simply stare at him for what feels like forever because I’m dumbfounded that he’s not pushing me away.
Hayden sits in the shower with me until my skin has come to life again. I no longer feel like one of the marble statues in the Met.
I feel him sigh as he starts to stand up.
“I’ll be back in a bit,” he says.
I start to panic. He can’t leave me alone in the rain even if it’s artificial.
“No.” I grasp his arm. “Where are you going?”
“To get you clothes for tomorrow and something warm for you to sleep in tonight.”
I don’t want to be alone.
“I’m cold.”
He reaches to adjust the temperature, but that’s not what I meant. I pull him back down, so he’s sitting next to me.
“No, I’m cold. I can’t meet your family. I’m a cold, heartless bitch, and they won’t like me. I’m not a family person. I didn’t grow up with a family. I grew up with icicles also known as my relatives. We share a bloodline but not much else. I’m not someone who can cook pumpkin pie and laugh about stupid things with your family. I don’t like kids, and I probably never will. I’m not a good person, Hayden. I can’t meet your family.”
He looks at me for a long time, like he’s mulling it around in his head and his heart before deciding what to say back to me.
“You are cold,” he says finally. “You’re cold and condescending, and I still haven’t figured you out. I don’t think you can be figured out. What I do know is that I’m still here. I’m sitting in this shower with you because I’m still here. You keep saying that you’re cold and that you’re heartless and soulless, but you’re not. You wouldn’t love this city or homeless people like Jim or Colin and Catherine so much if you were. You wouldn’t love writing. You wouldn’t say that your heart gets wrenched out by Evanna Wyatt whenever her books come out. You wouldn’t be picky about your okra, and you sure as hell wouldn’t be so hung up on this person back in Charleston who you ran away from. You said he’s your soul mate, so you must have a soul. You have a heart and you have a soul and you have me. You’re not as awful as you think you are. You’re just not the same as everyone else.”
I’m speechless, and I’m breathless.
I’m not sure how Hayden knows so much about me even though he knows so little. I start to wonder if he’s more like me than I thought. I’m an iceberg, and he’s only seen what’s poking out of the surface. Now, I think he’s a scuba diver with thermal gear who’s diving down deeper even though it’s awful and unknown.
“I’m going to get your clothes. Do you want to come with me?”
I feel like Jell-O again.
“Yes.”
I like saying yes to Hayden.
Yes.
Then
I WAS TWENTY-ONE, drunk and tripping on peyote.
It was my birthday. I didn’t feel that special because I’d been doing terrible things for years before I was of age. I was always going to do terrible things because it was in my nature.
I wasn’t trying to trip on peyote, but Colin snuck it into everything I ate that night because he wanted us to discover the universe again.
Catherine had been trying to control us, but we weren’t making it easy on her. I had other friends to watch me. Everyone came to town for me because I was Tate McKenna.
I was about to pass out in my friend Lindsay’s bed while telling everyone about how my crown could shoot beams of light out of the jewels. No one was listening. Everyone was too drunk for their own good. I was all by myself in my own little world.
Then, the door opened, and Jesse let himself inside. I had no idea how he found me or knew where I was.
My birthday was sacred to us though. I knew he’d do something. He always did something. It wasn’t my birthday if he didn’t. We didn’t talk about it. It just happened.
He found his way into Lindsay’s bedroom where I was counting the stars in my vision.
“Did you activate your homing beacon?” I was talking about our geography telepathy, but he didn’t answer. He just pretended like I’d never said anything.
“I think it’s time for you to go home, Tate.”
“Where is home?” This was an actual theological question.
“I mean, your apartment.”
“Oh.”
“Come here. I’ll help you.”
Jesse didn’t carry me like Colin or Casper would. Casper would probably drop me halfway anyway.
Because my boyfriend was awful.
Jesse just pulled on my arm until I was partly out of Lindsay’s bed.
Where was Lindsay anyway?
I was mad that Jesse wouldn’t carry me. What kind of soul mate was he anyway?
“No, I’m not going.”
“Tate, you really shouldn’t pass out here.”
“I can pass out wherever I want.”
“You can, but you shouldn’t.”
He was trying to look out for me or something, and he used his soul mate wiles to get me to leave. We stumbled out into the darkness, and he already had a cab waiting out front.
We climbed in, and Jesse told him my address. I wasn’t sure how Jesse knew my address, considering we
hadn’t spoken in so long. I didn’t know where he lived at this point since he wasn’t in the dorms. I hadn’t spoken to him in a year at least. But it didn’t matter. He was Jesse, and I was Tate. That was all that mattered.
The peyote and alcohol started to kick back in, and I felt like I was dreaming.
“Jesse,” I said, half-closing my eyes, “talk to me.”
“I don’t really want to talk to you.”
“What do you want to do?”
“I’m not sure.”
Jesse was being stupid. He wanted to kiss me because he was kind of drunk, too, or else he wouldn’t have called a cab. He would have driven me home himself in his stupid beat-up car.
I had barely ever hugged Jesse, let alone anything else. But there I was, high out of my mind, and nothing mattered. It didn’t even matter that I wasn’t completely attracted to him physically. He wasn’t bad-looking, but he was no Casper.
I flopped myself closer to him on the seat, and he made no effort to move.
The peyote made me climb onto his lap, so I was straddling him in the back of the cab.
He just looked up at me like he wasn’t sure any of this was real.
I wasn’t sure either.
Then, I kissed Jesse.
I kissed Jesse Elliott because I thought that was what I was supposed to do.
I thought that was what destiny was telling me to do because destiny and substance abuse were confusing.
I was doing all the kissing and none of the thinking, and Jesse was half-kissing me back.
Did Jesse kiss people ever?
Was that something he did?
I didn’t really want to be kissing Jesse, but I wanted to want to be kissing him.
That was all I wanted.
I wanted sparks to fly. I wanted the world to right itself, so I would finally know that this was what was supposed to happen. The rest of my life would have shape because I would know I was supposed to be with Jesse without a doubt.
I didn’t feel any of that.
I hated him while my lips were still on his.
How could I feel so drawn to him and not be attracted to him?
I hated it all.
I hated myself.
The cab driver stopped the car, and my back hit the passenger seat as he jerked the emergency brake on.
He told us the fare, and I pulled out my credit card because Jesse was an asshole.
“Get out,” I said as I climbed off of him. My hair was all around us, and I had to detangle it.
Jesse didn’t say anything to me. He simply got out of the cab at my house, and I told the cab driver to go back to Lindsay’s.
I left him standing on the road, staring at me through the fogged-up window we’d just created.
It shouldn’t be fogged at all because there was exactly no steam between the two of us.
I suddenly felt alarmingly sober.
When I got back to Lindsay’s, I locked her front door, so Jesse couldn’t come back. Casper was passed out on the sofa, his arm over his head.
I knew I should curl up next to him. That would be the normal thing to do since he was my boyfriend. He had been my boyfriend for a long time, and even though he was awful, I was still attached to him because of the longevity and comfort.
I found Catherine and Colin in someone else’s bedroom. I threw my purse on the floor, climbed on the bed, and snuggled down in between them.
Catherine was the only one who opened her eyes, and Colin groaned at me.
“I hate myself, Catherine,” I told her.
“Why?”
“Jesse.”
“Don’t use that word in front of me,” she said. Then, she rolled over.
I knew it was a moot point because she didn’t approve of or understand anything that went on with Jesse.
I turned my back to Catherine after she fell asleep so that I was facing Colin. I couldn’t help myself, but I started crying when I heard rain pattering on the roof.
A thunderclap woke Colin, and his eyes went wide as he realized I was there.
He found my hand under the blankets and gripped it tightly because even in his half-asleep state, he knew I wasn’t okay. I wasn’t okay because of the rain and because of Jesse.
Even though I was in the company of people that I loved, I hated that birthday more than anything. I hoped Jesse drowned while standing in the rain. Or better, I hoped he was struck down by lightning. I wanted to find his fried corpse sticking to the sidewalk in the morning because then I would know I was free of him.
Now
I DON’T HAVE anything to wear that’s dry, so I’m wearing a pair of Hayden’s sweatpants and one of his shirts. He’s dressed similarly, and my hair is still drenched. I already wrung it out in the shower, but my hair takes hours to dry. There’s too much of it for its own good.
He hands me a pair of UGG-like boots and tells me they’re his sister’s. I hope to God he’s telling the truth because I’d rather walk barefoot than wear a one-night stand’s or ex-girlfriend’s shoes.
He pulls out his phone, and I see Al’s name pop up because he’s going to have him bring the car around.
“No,” I say as I put my hand on his. “Can we walk?”
He looks at me like I’ve just swallowed a live goldfish and asked for another.
“You want to walk in the rain?”
I nod.
“It’ll be good for me. I’ll be okay. I have you.”
He looks hesitant, but then he takes my hand and leads me over to the elevator doors.
They’re just doors.
This is just an elevator.
I know I’m coming back to life because I’m suddenly afraid to get in it with him.
It arrives, and we step inside.
I feel like the blood inside my fingers where he’s holding my hand is on fire, and that fire travels up my arm and into the rest of my body.
“Are we going to talk about this?”
“Talk about what?”
“I think we should have an elevator rule,” he says because he clearly feels it, too.
I drop his hand and step to the corner, away from him. “Like this?”
“Not quite.”
He doesn’t elaborate because we’re on the ground floor, and I can feel the humidity from outside again.
I take a deep breath, and then he leads me out into the rain. I start to feel the panic, and even though we’re getting wet, he pulls me to his chest.
“Breathe, Tate.”
His body is shielding me from the water, and I feel a little safer. The rain makes me think of Charleston and Jesse, and I’m so, so mad at Jesse. I hate Jesse. He would never do this for me. Although Jesse has a soul, he doesn’t have a heart.
I breathe, and somehow, all the sounds of New York go mute for a moment while I listen to Hayden’s voice.
“It’s raining, but you’re not alone. You’re here with me. I’ve got you, and you’ve got this.”
I think it’ll be quite a long time before I’ve got anything, but this is a start.
As I breathe in, I feel like I’m breathing in Hayden and exhaling out Jesse. I’m breathing out my parents’ deaths. I’m breathing in the present and exhaling out the past.
I can do this.
I may not have it, but for right now, I can do it.
I look up into the sky to see all the drops falling on the ground before they make contact. I realize the drops have more in common with me than I think. We’re all just falling until we’re not falling, and we don’t really have a choice where we land.
I’m thankful that, in this moment, I’ve landed with Hayden.
His arms unfold, and he takes my hand again. Then, we’re walking in the rain in sweatpants, looking like total idiots because no one wears sweatpants in New York City, let alone on the Upper East Side.
His skin is warm against mine, and as I focus on him instead of my fear, I know I’ve landed right where I’m supposed to be.
We reach my buildi
ng, and we’re both soaking wet. I’m freezing, but I don’t care.
This is the longest I’ve been in the rain without having a panic attack since my parents died.
Hayden presses the elevator button, and I’m reminded of his proposition that we have a rule.
The doors open, and as he pulls me inside, I open my mouth to ask what the rule is.
I don’t have time to ask or to wonder because before the doors have even shut, Hayden’s kissing me. He’s shoving me against the back wall again, and his hands are on my hips.
My hands go to his soaking wet hair that’s now falling all around his forehead instead of his usual coif.
Suddenly, I’m not cold at all anymore despite the fact that my clothes are clinging to me.
I like this rule.
This rule is my new favorite rule in the history of the universe.
And just like that, my elevator betrays me, and we’re at my floor.
He doesn’t pull away quickly, but instead, he smiles down at me like he’s in some other world instead of being here.
The elevator doors try to shut on us as we’re exiting because we’re smiling at each other like fools.
“No,” I say to myself as I shove him away. “Not here. Clothes. I need clothes.”
I shake my head and unlock my door to try to clear my mind or else we’re going to end up somewhere else, and I’d rather be at his apartment than mine.
Catherine decorated it with too much white, and it makes me feel anxious. I need to darken it a bit, like Hayden’s. Hayden’s apartment is much more sensual and toned down than the white. It makes me feel like I’m in a hospital or Lara’s house.
I don’t want to be in either of those places. I just want to be back in Hayden’s warm penthouse.
He stands by the door because if he comes any closer, we’re not going to make it back, and we both know it. His arms are crossed, and he’s watching me gather belongings in a bag.
I hand him a couple of garment bags holding dresses that I don’t want wrinkled, especially if I’m meeting his family tomorrow. He texts Al because there’s no way we’re carrying all this back to his place, especially since it’s still raining.
