by Lily Paradis
“So die. If you’re going to, you might as well do it with me. Right here, right now.”
“Is that why we’re parked on train tracks?”
“Yes.”
“I love it.”
I lean down to kiss him, but his hands go to my wrists before I can lean forward to brace myself.
“I’m serious.”
“I don’t want to die right now.”
“Say it again.”
“I don’t want to die. I want to be here with you.”
“Remember that. I love that darkness inside you, but I don’t want it to be the end. You scare me.”
“You scare me, too.”
“Good.”
Somehow, everything clicks into place, and I feel like we might be okay. We might be as crazy as F. Scott and Zelda, but our crazy might work. We might work—even though a small part of me will always be tied to Jesse, I think it’s more of a cobweb than a grappling hook.
My lips touch Hayden’s, like we’re consecrating the promises we just made.
“Hayden,” I say calmly against him, “there’s a train coming.”
He guns the car forward and starts kissing me again, and the last thing I see before I shut my eyes is the train on the tracks where we were sitting seconds earlier. I feel the wheels on the railroad ties reverberating through the entire car, and I know we’ve just made a choice. I imagine Death sitting on top of the train, clapping at us, because someone flipped the switch, and our metaphorical train took a different turn. We won’t be meeting again for a while.
I’m all in.
He’s all in.
We’re all in.
Then
I FOLLOWED JESSE up a derelict stairway. There was a flickering light overhead, but other than that, it was dark. I had no idea he lived in this place when he wasn’t at school, and I realized I had no idea who this person was.
There was a part of me that was so deeply attached to him that I didn’t know how to deal with any of it. I hated him, yes, but did I love him, too?
“There’s a shower in there,” he said as he pointed into a small bathroom. It was clean but outdated by half a century or more.
He handed me a towel, and I shut the door.
I looked at myself in the mirror in the yellow light, and I was horrifying. I looked like Carrie, only with mud streaked all over. My hair would probably never be clean again.
The water had two temperatures, lukewarm and freezing. The pressure was abysmal, and I watched as the melted dirt slowly went down the drain, but I knew it wouldn’t all come out after one wash. I would be walking around muddy for days. It was in my ears and in my eyelashes and probably in my entire being by now.
While I was still in the shower, I heard the door open and shut quickly, which either meant a serial killer or Jesse. Or Jesse was the serial killer, and I wouldn’t put it past him. He was dark like me. I just didn’t know how dark.
I peered out and noticed a set of clothing folded on the countertop, which was perfect because I didn’t have any clothes to wear, save for the stiff ones that were more mud than fabric now.
I dried myself off and combed through my waist-length hair with my fingers. My face was naked. I didn’t have all the heavy black that I liked to put around my eyes for dramatic effect. Whatever. It was just Jesse.
The clothes he’d put out were undoubtedly his—a white T-shirt, flannel, and sweatpants. They would be enormous on me, but they’d have to do.
I threw my clothes in the trash and wandered out of the bathroom to find him.
There were only two rooms on this floor, other than the room I’d just exited, so I didn’t have to look far. He was sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands, and I stopped in the doorway. He was so far removed from any Jesse I’d ever seen before. He was clearly upset, but I wasn’t sure why. My heart hurt, and I wanted to fix what was wrong because if I didn’t, I would ache all night due to proximity.
I would probably ache all night regardless.
“You live here,” I said as I approached him.
He didn’t move because he knew I was here all along.
“I live here,” he confirmed, more to the floor than to me.
“Why?”
That seemed an insensitive way to ask, but I didn’t know what else to say.
“Where else?”
His head lifted, and I could see years’ worth of pain in his eyes.
“Do you live here alone?”
I also wanted to know if anyone else was here.
“Yes.”
“Did you always?”
“No.”
“What happened?”
“Death happened.”
I knew that part, but I wanted to hear it. Sometimes, it frightened me how much we were the same.
“Who?”
“My parents.”
“This was their house?”
“No.”
“Who lived here?”
“My aunt and uncle.”
“Oh.”
I got the distinct impression that all of these people were dead, and they’d left Jesse here alone. This was all he had. He was brilliant, and he would be fine when we grew up because he went to schools that would get him past this life but not yet.
Not just yet.
Now, all he had was pain.
And me.
But he didn’t really have me.
I didn’t tell him I was sorry because I hated that word. Sorry was the worst word anyone could ever say. I didn’t want anyone’s apologies for something they had no control over because that was a word society told you to say when you didn’t know what else was appropriate.
I stood there and stared at him, and I wanted to rip my hair out. Here he was, and here I was, but nothing had changed. I wanted so desperately for this to be it, to be a cathartic moment when we’d both burst like a damn romance novel, and everything would be okay because we’d have each other.
I wanted it to be him.
I always wanted it to be him, but I couldn’t force it. It took two, and it also took a certain amount of chemistry that I couldn’t explain. I wanted Jesse’s soul, but I didn’t want it to be inside him. There was something wrong because I wasn’t attracted to him.
He was beautiful to look at in his own way, but my brain and my body wouldn’t have it.
I hated myself.
I hated him.
I hated all of this because he was going to trap me forever, and I didn’t know how to fix it.
He was still staring at me, probably having the same war in his head because he has never done anything about it either.
I was still dating Casper, but that meant nothing in the scheme of things. I didn’t love Casper. I didn’t respect Casper, but he was my boyfriend because life shoved us together, and we didn’t have the courage to part because of what we did for the other person. We had a symbiotic relationship, but that was only going to last for so long. I didn’t count Casper as my boyfriend. It was just a word with an arbitrary meaning.
I had kissed Casper.
I had kissed Jesse.
None of it meant anything, but I wanted it to mean everything. It would never be heart-stopping, would it?
I started to cry, and Jesse stood to hug me, but that was all.
I wanted him to tell me everything would be okay, and I wanted to tell him the same, but we had no guarantee of that. We wouldn’t lie to each other—at least we had that.
“You can sleep in my bed. I’ll take the floor.”
I was sure there was somewhere else in the house he could sleep, but instead, he wanted to be near me. I took small comfort in that, but my heart still ached.
I climbed into the flannel sheets and was immediately engulfed by the scent of all things Jesse. I wanted this. I wanted to love this, and I wanted him beside me, but it just wasn’t right.
He turned the lights off and settled himself on the floor at the foot of the bed.
“Jesse?” I asked
after a moment. “Do you hate me?”
“Yes,” he answered without hesitation.
“Do you love me?”
“Yes.”
I woke up alone.
In romance novels, the girl always woke up to a note on her pillow. Or the guy would be making coffee and breakfast for her downstairs. Or he was right beside her, ready for a good-morning kiss.
None of that was the case, not by a long shot.
I woke up alone in Jesse’s bed, and he was nowhere to be found. I wanted to leave him something, but I knew it wouldn’t do any good. We would never do anything good for one another.
The house was still dark despite the low autumn sun, and I knew that was how Jesse liked it. Cold and dark.
I walked down the creepy staircase. His car was gone, so I’d have to walk home.
I didn’t even have my phone to call Colin to come get me. That drunken bastard was probably asleep in my bed while I slept in Jesse’s.
I wasn’t entirely sure where I was or how to get back to the Hale house, but I started walking.
“Get up, asshole.”
I threw a pillow at Colin to wake him where he was indeed lounging in my bed.
He opened his eyes lazily.
“Your bed is unreal. It’s a shame I’m not in love with you.”
I rolled my eyes at him and sat down on the end of the bed as he sat up with a groan.
“You slept here.”
“I was drunk. You promised me you’d kill me if I drove drunk again, and I wasn’t about to go cozy up with Lara, now was I?”
I put my head in my hands. Everything felt wrong. I couldn’t even look at myself because I was wearing his clothes, so I squeezed my eyes shut.
“Are you ever afraid no one is going to fall in love with you?” I asked him.
“That’s a stupid fear. I love you.”
“But you’re not in love with me.”
“No, that’s a different kind of love, love.”
“Exactly. So, what if I’m not worthy of being in love with someone? What if I don’t get that in this lifetime?”
“Lots of people don’t,” he said as he shrugged.
“Thanks, Colin.”
I looked up at him to make a point that he wasn’t helping.
“I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you.”
I took in a breath, held it, and let it out as if I could expel every fear I’d ever had along with the air.
“I want to be in love. I want all-consuming, fiery, passionate love.”
“You’ll have that, Tate.”
He put an arm over my back and pulled me close.
“You promise?”
“No,” he said all too honestly.
It was then that he realized what I was wearing.
“Whose clothes are these? Where were you last night?”
I pursed my lips, unsure of how to explain. Before I could try, my door opened abruptly. Lara was standing in the doorway, fully dressed and looking like she just came from the Kentucky Derby.
“You’re a whore,” she said without hesitation and continued down the hall.
She, along with everyone else in the world, thought I was sleeping with Colin.
“Jesse,” I said finally.
“You were at his house?” Colin looked at me incredulously.
I nodded.
“I slept in his bed.”
“With him?”
“No. He slept on the floor.”
Colin scoffed.
“And you say no one’s in love with you.”
Now
HAYDEN’S ON THE phone with Emmett, apologizing for the fact that we missed the rehearsal dinner. I want him to book a hotel, but he won’t let me. He says I need to be there for my sister the night before she gets married. I know weddings are sacred to Hayden because of his brother, so I don’t argue.
We sat in the back of the car, kissing for hours like teenagers, and I loved every second of it. He has lipstick all over his collar, and I’m trying to wipe it off his face, but it’s not working. Everyone’s going to know what just happened. They’ll probably assume worse, but I don’t care.
Apparently, neither does Hayden.
It’s dark by the time we pull into the drive, and only one attendant steps out from underneath the porch to take the keys from Hayden as we exit the car.
I can see the remnants of dinner being cleaned up on the side lawn, and there are still fairy lights hanging from the giant trees. My stomach rumbles, but I don’t want to be seen. I just want to go straight upstairs with Hayden.
I pull him by the hand up the steps and out of sight until we’re in the house. I start to walk up the main staircase when I hear voices overhead.
Lara.
If I see her, I’m leaving.
I change directions and head toward the side of the house where the maids live because I realize there’s something long forgotten that I can use to my advantage right now.
We’re running now because I feel like a child trying not to get caught. I whisk him around the corner and into the old metal box that hasn’t been used for half a century. I pull the chain links down and push the button that will take us to the third floor.
Then, I’m kissing him again because I couldn’t stop if I wanted to.
Hayden’s it.
I was never attracted to Jesse the way I wished I were, but I didn’t know I was saving it all for Hayden.
“I’m on fire,” I tell him in between breaths.
He starts pulling at the zipper on the back of my dress, but it only comes down an inch.
“I’ve been on fire ever since I saw you on that plane,” he says without a moment’s hesitation. “Maybe even since I saw you in Catherine’s ethics class.”
I don’t respond, and he stops kissing my neck.
“Why are you on fire, Tate? Is it for me or just because you want someone?”
I know he’s asking me now because he needs to know. Even though we talked about it in the car, Jesse’s going to be an issue until he’s dead, or we are. I can see that now.
“Do you just want someone? Do you want him? Or do you want me? Because I don’t want anyone but you.”
The concern in those lightsaber green eyes breaks my heart. I know he loves me even though he hasn’t said it. He wouldn’t be so hung up on it if he didn’t.
One.
Two.
Three.
“You,” I breathe.
“Again,” he says just because he wants to hear it.
“You. I want you.”
And that’s it. I let go, and Hayden fills my senses and my soul.
We stumble out of the service elevator and down the hall into my old room. There isn’t another room for Hayden to sleep in because I’m sure Lara knows I wouldn’t sleep here without him. Only in her mind, I’m awful for it.
I throw his jacket on the back of one of my chairs while he unzips my dress the rest of the way. It falls to the floor, and he picks me up.
“Oh my God!” Cece walks in through my partially opened door.
I look back at Hayden whose shirt is half unbuttoned, and his hair is a mess. By the look on her face, she and Emmett have never slept in the same room, let alone the same bed.
Hayden releases me, and I turn to face my sister. She’s seen me in my underwear before, so I’m not overly concerned even if it is a little bit racier, and I’m sporting a little bit more ink than I was when we were younger.
“I’m so sorry,” she says over and over, backing out of the room with her eyes averted.
I grab Hayden’s suit jacket from the chair and put it on before following my sister into the hall.
“Cece,” I say, waiting to hear what she needs.
“Tate, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” she says, like she walked in on something much more intimate instead of what she saw.
“It’s fine. What’s wrong?”
I can tell she’s been crying because her eyes are red, and faint mascara streaks
are on her cheeks. She doesn’t wear much makeup because she’s naturally beautiful, or I’m sure it would be more noticeable.
We sink to the floor outside my room, and she starts crying again.
“I’m afraid. I’m so afraid.”
“Why?”
She gulps and looks at me like I’m the older sister instead of her.
“What if it’s terrible?”
I squint one of my eyes because it’s an ambiguous statement.
“What part?”
“All of it. Marriage. What if I end up hating him?”
I don’t know the details on Cece’s life because I don’t talk to her that much, but I try to say what Catherine would say to me in this situation.
“Do you love him?”
“Yes.” She sniffles.
“Does he love you?”
“Yes.”
I push a lock of her hair back over her shoulder.
“Then, that’s all you really need, right?”
Another sniffle.
“I guess so.”
I pull her in close and kiss her on the cheek.
“Tate?” She clutches Hayden’s jacket, like she’s afraid I’m going to leave.
I look at her expectantly.
“I was going to ask you before, but I couldn’t. Will you be my maid of honor?”
“You don’t have one already?”
“No, I do. But I want it to be you instead. I had an extra dress made for you.”
I don’t know how to refuse a bride a few hours before she walks down the aisle, so I agree. I walk her back to her room, hoping we don’t pass Lara because I’m still wearing only Hayden’s suit jacket over a black lingerie set.
“I’ll see you in the morning,” I tell her as I start to shut her bedroom door.
“Good night, Tate,” she says.
I wonder who this creature is because I’ve never seen her inside of my sister a day in our lives.
“Good night, Cece.”
I walk back up to my room where I find Hayden sitting on my bed, looking through my bookshelf. There are several of my old journals on the bed, and I know he’s flipped through them. He might as well have. He already knows how dark I am.
