“Was he your first?”
“My second. There was one other guy...before.”
“They always turned off the lights?”
“I guess.” She couldn’t remember. But she hadn’t been as self-conscious with them, hadn’t cared as much what they thought of her. That was why she’d chosen them. They were safe, nothing like Noah. At that point in her recovery, she hadn’t been ready for a man who affected her as deeply as Noah.
“I’ll turn them off if you want, but...this is a sight worth seeing. Just looking at you makes me hard as a rock.”
When her face heated, he chuckled again. “Wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen a woman get embarrassed so easily.”
Suddenly afraid she was making a mistake, she pulled away. “I’m not very good at this. I should go.”
She tried to circumvent him so she could get to her shirt.
“Addy.” His hands rested on her shoulders as he turned her around. “Don’t go.”
“I don’t have the experience you want.”
“I don’t care about experience. All I care about is being with you. The lights can go off. You can have anything you want.”
When she glanced at her shirt as if she was still tempted to pick it up, he grasped her chin. “It’s okay,” he murmured. “I wasn’t making fun of you. To be honest, it’s been a long time since I’ve wanted a woman so badly.”
The sincerity in those words almost had her believing them. But she told herself comments like that had to be common when it came to casual sex.
She hesitated, but before she could decide what to do, he backed her up against the wall, where he could reach the light switch.
“You have nothing to worry about,” he insisted, and plunged them into darkness.
“What about birth control?” she asked.
“I’ve got birth control.”
She had other things to worry about. But once he lowered his head to her breast she couldn’t remember a single one.
* * *
Sex had become so mechanical lately, so meaningless. But it wasn’t that way with Addy. Making her gasp or moan made it all feel new. The first time they made love, Noah was too caught up, couldn’t worry much about anything. He just went with the demands of his body. But the second time, he was determined to bring her to climax—and became frustrated when he couldn’t. She wouldn’t relax, wouldn’t let go. It was only when he refused to give up that she finally admitted she’d never had an orgasm while making love.
He could hardly believe it. She’d been married. What had been happening in that bed if she hadn’t been getting any sexual gratification from her husband?
“It’s okay. I’ve had fun,” she said when he slumped over to rest.
It was almost four in the morning. After what had occurred at the cabin, this night felt as if it had lasted a week. But Noah couldn’t leave her unsatisfied. He wanted to be the one to make it happen, and not just because of male pride. He hated that the two guys she’d been with before hadn’t, for whatever reason, helped her have that experience.
“There must be something wrong with me,” she said with a self-deprecating laugh.
She was offering him an excuse to finish without her. She’d probably offered the same excuse to the other two men she’d been with, and they must’ve accepted it or she wouldn’t be in this situation. But he highly doubted she had a physical problem. It was her shyness that stood in the way. She was so quick to withdraw, to assume a protective stance, physically and emotionally. He could feel her holding back....
“You can’t be defensive or self-conscious or it won’t work,” he said.
“I’m not defensive.” She didn’t argue about being self-conscious. “I told you in the beginning...I’m not good at this.”
“That’s bullshit,” he said. “That belief is part of the problem. You’re not being graded, you know. I’ve loved every minute of it, but I want you to love it, too.” He’d been aroused and so intent on keeping her aroused, on exploring her body, that he suddenly realized he might not have given her what she really needed—and that was a little more gentleness, a little more reassurance. She had to be able to trust him enough to quit shutting down as soon as she felt she might lose control.
“There’s no reason it should be difficult,” he added. “You’re safe with me.”
Her hands gripped his arms. “Noah, I...I really don’t think I can.”
“I know you’ve been through some shit in the past. Your ex must be to blame for that. What a bastard. But I’m not your ex. Let go of whatever happened before, okay? Abandon all resistance.”
“You think I’m resisting?”
“I know you are.” He kissed her again, this time soft and slow. “I want you to come,” he coaxed. “Let me make you come.”
“I’ve been trying!”
“Here...” He rolled onto his back, which brought her on top of him. “You take charge and do anything that feels good.”
There was a heartbeat of silence. Then she said, “You’re what feels good to me.”
The way she made that statement led him to believe it encompassed more than the physical. It was usually the kind of declaration that frightened him, that made him believe he was getting into a sticky situation. But somehow, tonight, he responded to that deeper element, wanted it to be there.
He liked this woman. He liked her a lot.
“You’re what feels good to me, too,” he admitted.
She stared down at him. He could see the shine in her eyes, even though she was barely visible in the moonlight cutting through the blinds. It felt as if he’d finally reached her on a profound level. And that made a difference. When she started to move, it wasn’t all about the gasps and groans and physical pleasure he’d experienced so many times before. This was a more intimate connection. He didn’t care if the sex was perfect; he only cared that she felt safe to enjoy it. And, oddly enough, he wasn’t thinking about how he could slip out of the relationship without hurting her when it was over. He was letting himself go, too, in a way he’d never let go before, and that made this very different.
How ironic that he would feel what he was feeling on the night Baxter had tried to kiss him. It was as if the pendulum of his emotions had swung all the way back to the other side. He was excited, turned on, attracted enough to pursue this woman.
“See?” he whispered. “Feel the rhythm. You can start out nice and easy....”
She did move nice and easy, but not for long. He smiled as the tension began to escalate, because he could tell she was experiencing the same growing pleasure he was. Too carried away to respond to his instructions, she arched her back and rocked faster and faster, and he helped her keep the rhythm with his hands on her thighs.
Considering how hard he’d tried the first time around, he’d expected this to take a while. But it didn’t. After just a few minutes, he sensed that she was close, and that got him so excited he almost ruined it for her.
“Addy!” He could only say her name, but he was trying to warn her that he couldn’t hang on much longer.
“Not yet,” she gasped.
Clenching his hands in the bedding, he scrambled to concentrate on other things in an attempt to last. But then he heard her groan and felt that distinctive shudder and nothing could’ve stopped him from joining her.
* * *
Addy woke from a deep and dreamless sleep to the feel of a warm body curved protectively around hers. It took a moment to remember where she was, to realize this wasn’t Clyde, who was the only man she’d ever woken up with before.
Then panic set in. What time was it? Had Gran gotten up and found her gone?
Lifting her head, she searched the darkness for Noah’s alarm clock—and sagged in relief. It was only five-twenty. Gran didn’t get up until six or six-thirty. If she hurried, she could make it back to her room before Gran even knew she’d been gone.
Careful not to wake Noah, she slid out of bed and began searching for her cl
othes. Her shirt and shoes were in the living room. She remembered that. But her panties and sweat bottoms had to be here...somewhere.
“Hey, you okay?”
Noah’s sleepy words made her freeze. “Fine. I’m...everything’s okay. Go back to sleep.”
“I’m not going back to sleep. I don’t want you out alone.” He started to get up. “I’ll walk you home.”
“No. You can’t. Someone could see us together.”
She heard the rasp of his beard growth as he rubbed his face. “Oh, right. And the way we look, there’d be no question as to what we’ve been doing.” He laughed as if imagining the sight they’d make. “What time is it?”
“Early, but there could be a few cars out and, in Whiskey Creek, that’s all it would take.”
He raised himself into a sitting position. “Will you be okay on your own?”
She used her feet to feel across the carpet. “Of course. It’s only a couple of blocks.”
“But after what happened on Wednesday, I’m afraid—”
“That won’t happen again.”
The tone of his voice changed. “How do you know?”
He was asking her to be honest with him about the night he’d rescued her from the mine, but she couldn’t. What he knew from having found her was all he could ever know. Even that was too much. “I just do.”
“Will you tell me something?”
She found her panties. “What?”
“Your ex-husband’s name?”
She said nothing.
“That’s a no?”
“Why does it matter?” she asked.
“I’d like to talk to him.”
“About what?” She located her sweatpants hanging over the arm of a chair. “You don’t even know him, and he’s no longer part of my life.”
“He’s the one who hurt you, right?”
“No!”
“You’re protecting someone.”
“Forget it, okay?” she said as she slipped on her sweats. She started for the living room, then realized she should say something in parting. “Um, thanks for...”
“For?” he prompted when she couldn’t come up with the appropriate words.
“A good time.” She blanched at how clichéd that sounded but tried to rally. “I had fun.”
There was a slight pause. “So did I.”
She’d been covering her bare chest even though it was probably too dark for him to see her. “Bye.”
“Wait a sec. Will you turn on the light?”
“I’m not dressed.”
“You don’t want me to see you? After last night?”
“There’s no need for you to wake up all the way,” she said, and dashed out to get her shirt.
She could hear him getting up. The light went on a second later. He was naked when he carried out a slip of paper. “Here’s my cell phone. Give me a call after you’ve had a chance to get some sleep. I’ll take you to dinner.”
What was he talking about? They’d already had sex. This was supposed to be when he said he wasn’t interested in a romantic relationship and he just wanted to be friends.
She stared at his outstretched hand. “That’s okay.”
His eyebrows slid up. “You don’t want it?”
“It’s not that I don’t want it. It’s that...we live in the same small town. If we’re seen in public, people might make a big deal out of it. They might think we’re...you know...dating when we’re not. So...it’d be better to...”
“What?” He scowled. “Not see each other?”
He seemed to be getting upset, so she took the paper. She didn’t have to call him. He’d probably forget he’d even given her his number. “Never mind. I, um, I have a busy day, but I’ll see how things go.”
He caught her at the door and turned her around. “You’re not upset...”
“Of course not.”
“Good. Because last night was one of the best nights I’ve ever had. Once we got here,” he clarified.
She had a hard time believing last night had been very special for him, but it was a nice thing to say. “Given my lack of experience, that’s shocking.”
“It shouldn’t be, because it wasn’t about performing like a porn star.”
And this wasn’t ending with the brush-off she’d been expecting. “I’d better go.”
He bent his head as if he’d kiss her goodbye, but she pretended like she didn’t realize that was his intention and slipped out. “Thanks again.”
* * *
After walking a couple of miles down the narrow mountain road leading away from the cabin, Baxter had called Eve on his cell phone and had her pick him up. She’d been worried when she saw him, of course, had wanted to know what was wrong, but he’d managed to minimize the situation. Telling her that he and Noah had had an argument because they’d both been drinking and had hit on the same girl was easier than revealing what he’d been hiding since the fifth grade. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Eve. It was just that the fewer people who knew, the better. If his parents ever found out, they’d never speak to him again.
They had a greater chance of finding out today than they did yesterday. He was aware of that. Since he’d lost control and acted so recklessly, he didn’t know what to expect. The image of Noah standing there, too shocked to react, too shocked to even push him away, made Baxter want to weep. Noah probably hated him. The crazy thing was that he couldn’t understand why, after keeping himself in check for so long, he’d done what he’d done. The part of him that was dying to come out had simply tried to bury, once and for all, the front he’d been showing the world. And now he had to deal with the fear of losing his friends and his family.
He’d been so upset he hadn’t even gone to bed.
If only Noah hadn’t acted as if it was so much fun to have those girls around.
If only Baxter hadn’t had to watch Lisa climb into Noah’s lap and kiss him so sexually when Baxter knew damn well that Noah felt nothing for her.
If only they hadn’t been drinking.
Over the past few years, he’d been so careful to avoid alcohol when he was in Noah’s presence.
“Shit.” He couldn’t take stewing alone any longer, so he grabbed his cell phone off the side table and called the hotel where Callie and Levi were staying in Hawaii. He hated to bother them on their honeymoon, but he had to talk to someone, and because Callie was the only friend he’d ever confided in, she was his best option. The gay men he socialized with in San Francisco didn’t understand his situation and certainly didn’t agree with his choices.
“Hey,” he said when he heard her sleepy hello. “Did I wake you?”
“Who is this?”
“You’ve forgotten me already?”
“Bax!” There was a pause, and then she chuckled. “I’m out of it. It’s four-thirty here. What’s going on?”
He hadn’t even checked the time. “I’m sorry to wake you. I held off as long as I could, but...”
“Is something wrong?” She sounded worried.
“No. Never mind.” He shouldn’t have disturbed her. She was doing better now, but she’d nearly died over the summer. He needed to let her get all the rest she could. There was still a possibility that her body could reject the new liver. That was partly why she and Levi had had to wait a couple of weeks after the wedding to leave. They’d needed a doctor’s clearance to go so far from home. “I’ll call you later.”
“No, wait! Don’t go!”
He didn’t hang up but the lump in his throat made it almost impossible to speak.
“Are you there?” she asked.
He swallowed hard. “Yeah.”
“You’re scaring me.”
“I told him,” he said.
“You told...” After a brief pause, she seemed more awake. “What are you saying? You told who what?”
“I told Noah the truth.”
Her voice took on a tentative tone. “About...”
He laughed but it was a bitter sound even
to his own ears. “Actually, I didn’t tell him. I showed him.”
“Baxter, what are you talking about?”
“I kissed him, Callie. I—” unable to believe it, he shoved a hand through his hair “—kissed Noah.”
This revelation met with stunned silence. Then she said, “Bax, are you drunk?”
“Not anymore.”
“You were? Oh, God.”
“Yeah. Shit. What am I going to do now?”
“That depends. Hang on.” There was some rustling. He guessed she was getting out of bed and going into the bathroom so she could talk without disturbing her husband. “How did he react?”
“It was...sort of anticlimactic.”
“You didn’t enjoy it as much as you thought you would?”
“He didn’t exactly pull me into his arms.”
“You knew he wouldn’t.”
“True, but get this, he didn’t shove me away, either.”
“What does that leave?”
“He stood there, Callie. He just stood there, which makes me feel like even more of an idiot.”
“He must have said something eventually.”
The way her words echoed told him she was indeed in the bathroom.
“I didn’t wait to hear it. I took off.”
“Where were you when you...when this happened?”
“Gail’s cabin.”
“And now?”
“Home.”
“Have you heard from him since?”
“Of course not. What can he say? ‘I hate you for loving me? I’m completely grossed out by the fact that you want to get naked with me? Stay the hell away?’ He doesn’t have to say those things. I know he feels them.”
She sighed into the phone. “Was anyone else around?”
He went to stand at the window. It was getting light outside. He was glad of that, glad the long night was finally over. Not that daybreak made his situation any easier. Now he’d have to face the results of his actions. “No one I need to worry about.”
Brenda Novak Page 17
