Starting Over (Treading Water Trilogy)

by Force, Marie

  “Oh, no, you don’t. We just drove four hours to get here, so you’re gonna talk to us.” Colin pulled his brother into an upright position.

  That was when Aidan saw Brandon in the doorway.

  “What the fuck is he doing here?” Aidan roared. “Get him out of here!”

  “Mum made him come with us, so give him a break,” Declan said. “Where’s Clare?”

  Aidan kept his eyes closed. “Gone,” he muttered. “She’s gone.”

  “Gone where?” Colin exchanged glances again with Declan.

  “What does it matter?” he slurred. “She’s not here, and she’s not coming back.”

  “A week ago, you were going to marry her,” Colin said. “What the hell happened?”

  “She turned me down,” Aidan said, his eyes filling.

  “No,” Colin exhaled. “No way. She’s wild about you.”

  “Yeah, well, apparently not as much as I thought.”

  “She loves you, Aidan,” Declan said. “That was obvious to all of us last weekend. Tell us exactly what happened.”

  Aidan ran a weary hand over his face. “I asked her to marry me, and she said she wants to, but there’s something else she wants, too.”

  “What?” Colin asked.

  “She wants to adopt a kid.”

  “So what’s the problem?” Declan asked.

  Aidan shook his head. “I don’t want a kid. Not now or ever. Her kids are fine, but I don’t want one of my own.”

  They were all thinking in that moment of the son Sarah wanted so desperately she refused cancer treatment to give the baby a chance at life. His stillbirth had been almost as devastating to Aidan as Sarah’s death two days later.

  “So Clare didn’t exactly say no, then, did she?” Colin asked.

  “It doesn’t matter. It’s over, and she’s gone.”

  The horrible pain etched into Aidan’s face made Brandon ache for the brother he’d once wanted dead.

  Colin and Declan managed to get Aidan up three winding flights of stairs to his bedroom on the top floor.

  “What am I going to do now, Collie?” Aidan moaned as he dissolved into tears. “How am I supposed to live without her? Without her girls? I love them, too.”

  “I know you do.” Colin tugged the blankets up over his brother. “You’re going to get some sleep, and we’ll figure this out tomorrow.”

  Declan came into the room with a glass of water and two Advils, which they got Aidan to take.

  “I’ll crash up here with him,” Declan said when Aidan began to snore softly between sobs. “In case he pukes or something.”

  Colin rubbed the tension from the back of his neck. “Why couldn’t things have worked out for him this time? Hasn’t he had enough?”

  “I know. Seeing him in tears is just so screwed up. That’s not him.”

  “Really. I’m going to go check on the other one,” Colin said with a dramatic roll of his eyes.

  Declan chuckled. “When did we become the older brothers?”

  “No shit. Give me a yell if the bear comes out of hibernation and you need a hand,” Colin said as he left Declan with Aidan and went downstairs to find Brandon dropping the empty beer bottles into a grocery bag. “Why don’t you let me do that, Brand?”

  “I can do it.” Brandon bent to retrieve two bottles from the floor. “So this is what it looks like, huh?”

  “What?”

  “A big ugly drunk. This was me. How many times have you seen me like this?”

  Colin shrugged. “A few.”

  “A lot,” Brandon insisted. “Don’t sugarcoat it, Col. It was ugly, and it went on for years. You even bailed me out of jail. Twice.”

  “It’s in the past now. We don’t need to dwell on it.” Colin added a couple of logs to the woodstove in Aidan’s cozy den, Colin’s favorite room in the extraordinary house.

  Brandon put the bag of bottles on the floor and sat on the sofa. “I had no memory of it, you know. Until I got your letter in rehab, I didn’t even know. Everyone said some really tough shit to me in those letters, but yours was the one that finally got me to say the words.”

  Colin turned to look at Brandon. “What words?”

  “The all-important words: my name is Brandon, and I’m an alcoholic—a very big moment in rehab. Your letter made me realize I could no longer deny what I was.”

  “I felt like an asshole for days after I wrote that letter,” Colin confessed.

  “You said things I needed to hear, stuff I didn’t know. I honestly had no idea how out of control I had gotten.”

  “Well, we did a lot to make it easy for you. We were your quote-unquote enablers. As long as we were cleaning up after you, there was no need for you to take any responsibility.”

  “I’ve put you all through hell.” Brandon dropped his head into his hands. “I’m truly sorry, Col. I really am.”

  “Hey.” Colin waited for Brandon to look at him before he continued. “It’s in the past. We’ll figure out the rest. One day at a time, right?”

  “How do you know about that?”

  “Al-Anon.”

  “Really?”

  Colin nodded. “I’ve only been once so far, but I plan to go back.” He’d called Meredith to tell her why he wouldn’t make the Friday night meeting and to confirm their plans for Sunday.

  “That’s cool. Thanks, Col, you know, for not giving up on me even when you were bailing me out of jail.”

  “I’ll never give up on you—either one of you,” Colin said with an upward glance to include Aidan.

  Brandon snickered. “What a pair we are, huh?”

  “No comment,” Colin said with a smile as he flipped on the TV in search of sports.

  Chapter 13, Day 34

  In the morning, Brandon borrowed the Mustang to go into Stowe for an AA meeting. Because he bore a striking resemblance to Aidan, who was well known in the small town, he kept quiet at the meeting, even though he was dying to talk for once. Seeing Aidan again had churned up a lot of feelings in Brandon, and the desire to drink on that cold winter morning was strong. He fought his way through it on the way back to Aidan’s house, which was built into one of the foothills at the base of Mount Mansfield.

  A winding road led to the house at the top of the hill, and Brandon noticed with relief that Aidan’s truck was gone. The house really was a wonder. Brandon had to give Aidan credit for that. About a year after Sarah died, Aidan came up to Vermont, where they’d used a portion of the money she inherited from her grandmother to buy the lot for a future weekend home. Overwhelmed by grief and with his medical career abandoned, Aidan used the skills gathered over years of working summers with their father to throw himself into the building of the house. He’d planned to sell it, but by the time he finished it, he felt at home in the small mountain town, and his restoration business had taken off, thanks to word-of-mouth referrals.

  Brandon walked into the kitchen and stopped short when he found Aidan sitting shirtless at the table, nursing a cup of coffee. Everything inside Brandon screamed at him to turn around and get out of there, but his feet wouldn’t move. “Are you feeling okay?” he finally asked his brother.

  “Yeah,” Aidan grunted, his eyes bloodshot and his hair standing on end. “Never better.”

  “Do you mind if I have some of that?” Brandon asked with a nod at the coffee.

  “I don’t care.”

  A marvel of modern convenience, the kitchen featured artistic touches such as the tile backsplash and shining copper pots hanging over the center island. Aidan had always loved to cook, and the layout of the kitchen reflected the thought he’d put into it. Brandon brought his coffee over to sit at the table.

  After several minutes of awkward silence, Brandon cleared his throat. “Um, I know you don’t want me here, and I totally understand why, but you know how Mum can be when she gets something in her head.”

  Aidan’s grunt might’ve been a chuckle if he’d been talking to someone else. “Held a gun to your heads, d
id she?”

  “Something like that. Where’re the boys?”

  “Took my truck and went skiing.”

  Brandon wanted to groan. He’d be stuck here alone with Aidan for hours? “Do you want to go? I wouldn’t mind skiing.”

  “Hell, no.” Aidan ran a hand over his fragile head. “Not today. You go ahead.”

  Go! Brandon thought. Run! But despite the overwhelming urge to flee, he seemed frozen in place. “Can I say something?”

  Aidan sighed and then winced when the movement was apparently more than his aching head could bear. “If you must.”

  “I know you’ve got other things on your mind, but I want you to know how very sorry I am about what happened that night at Mum’s.” He swallowed hard. “With Clare.”

  Aidan’s eyes hardened at the mention of her name. “I’m not the one you attacked.”

  “You’re right, and I’d like the chance to apologize to her, too.”

  “Why don’t you just leave it alone?”

  Oh, how I wish I could. “Because I can’t. It’s part of the program. Making amends.”

  “I heard she went back to Rhode Island. She couldn’t wait to get away from me, I guess.”

  “You don’t know that, Aid.”

  “You certainly don’t know a thing about it,” Aidan snapped.

  Brandon raised his hands in defense. “You’re absolutely right.” He stood up to put his mug in the dishwasher. “If you have her address, I’ll write her a letter.”

  “It’s around here somewhere.”

  “Okay.” Brandon moved toward the living room that had been built to showcase Sarah’s baby grand piano.

  “Brandon.”

  He turned around. “Yeah?”

  “Can I ask you something?” Aidan looked more like himself as the coffee did battle with the hangover.

  Brandon shrugged. “Sure.”

  “Why’d you turn into such a dick?”

  “Don’t hold back,” Brandon said with a snort. “Tell me how you really feel.”

  “You used to be cool when we were kids, before you turned into a total asshole overnight. We were inseparable, and then all of a sudden you couldn’t stand the sight of me. Why was that?”

  Brandon’s stomach clutched. “You don’t want to talk about it, believe me. Not now.”

  “Do not tell me what I want to talk about.” Aidan’s dark green eyes shot daggers at his brother. “You lost that right when you started treating me like shit.”

  “It’s not the time,” Brandon said, feeling a bit desperate as Aidan dug in. “Seriously.”

  “I think it’s the perfect time. It’s just you and me, and this discussion is long overdue.” Aidan reclined the kitchen chair onto its back legs. “Enlighten me.”

  Brandon shifted his weight from one leg to the other and crossed his arms over his chest. As a twitch began to throb in his cheek, he yearned for a drink in that moment more than any other in the last thirty-four days.

  Aidan’s steely gaze never wavered as Brandon worked up the nerve to proceed. Okay, he thought, if there really is a higher power, now would be a good time to show up. Help me. Please, help me.

  “Before I say anything, you need to know this could be the last time we ever talk to each other. That’s not how I want it, but you might.”

  Aidan released a bitter laugh. “It’s not like we talk to each other now. What the hell difference will it make?”

  Brandon leaned against the counter and kept his sweaty hands tucked into his folded arms. While he summoned the courage he needed, Dr. Walker-Smith’s words echoed through his head. “You must deal with Aidan. Your recovery will depend on it.”

  A bead of sweat rolled down Brandon’s back, and he knew he could be sick if he focused too much attention on his roiling stomach. Another minute of uncomfortable silence passed as he summoned the courage. “Do you remember the day we met Sarah?”

  Aidan’s eyes narrowed. “Of course I do.”

  “What do you remember about it?”

  “We were playing football on the beach, and I threw the ball over your head. It landed right at her feet.” Aidan’s face lifted into a small smile as he recalled the long-ago day that changed his life in more ways than he knew.

  “Right.”

  “You went to get the ball, and you were gone forever. So I went to get you.”

  “What happened when you came over to where we were?”

  “She smiled at me, and nothing was ever the same. What’s the point of this little trip down memory lane?”

  Brandon’s jaw shifted first to the left and then the right. “The same thing happened to me.”

  “What’re you talking about?” Aidan asked, his face twisting with confusion.

  “I was in love with her. From that very first day.”

  Aidan’s chair dropped to the floor with a loud whack. “You have no right to say that.” He sprang from the chair as if he’d been shot from a cannon.

  Brandon didn’t move when Aidan grabbed the front of his shirt.

  “I’m giving you one chance to take that back,” Aidan said, standing an inch from Brandon’s face.

  “Or what? You said you wanted to know. I’m telling you.”

  The battle of wills was fierce, but neither of them blinked for a long time. When Aidan finally released his brother’s shirt, his hand curled into a fist.

  “Go ahead and hit me if that’ll make you feel better, but it won’t change anything.”

  “You were right.” Aidan appeared to be making a huge effort to contain his rage. “I don’t want to hear this.” He left the room, and a minute later, Brandon heard a door slam upstairs.

  “Well,” he said to the empty room. “That went well.”

  Declan and Colin returned from skiing early that evening with groceries for dinner. The house was dark when they came in to discover Brandon watching a Notre Dame basketball game in the den and Aidan upstairs in his bedroom.

  “What happened around here today?” Colin asked.

  Brandon shrugged. “The usual crap.” He didn’t mention that he’d spent hours working himself into a cold sweat as he tried to resist the urge to drink. In his desperation, he even called Joe to talk it out. His relief at seeing Colin and Declan was overwhelming, since he knew he’d never drink in front of them.

  “Did you guys have a fight or something?” Declan asked.

  “Or something,” Brandon replied.

  “Jeez, Brand, he’s got enough going on without getting into it with you, too,” Colin said.

  “I know that,” Brandon snapped.

  The three of them drifted into stony silence as they started dinner. They were all proficient in the kitchen, thanks to their mother’s relentless campaign to send self-sufficient men into the world, and they worked together like a well-choreographed team.

  When dinner was ready, Colin went upstairs to get Aidan. He knocked on the door to Aidan’s bedroom and opened the door to find his brother asleep. He nudged him awake.

  “Hey.” Aidan rubbed a hand over his eyes. “How was the skiing?”

  “Great. Perfect conditions.”

  “I wish I could say the same about the goings on around here,” Aidan said, his face set in an angry expression.

  “What happened?”

  “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you. What’re you guys cooking? Smells good.”

  “Dec made lasagna. Why don’t you come have some?”

  “I’ll be down in a minute.” Aidan got up to head for the large bathroom that adjoined his bedroom. “Hey, Col?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m glad you guys came up. I’m doing my best not to kill Brandon, but I’m glad you and Dec are here. This has been a horrendous week.”

  “I wish there was something we could do to help with the Clare situation.”

  Aidan sighed with resignation. “There’s nothing anyone can do. It’s just one of those things. We want different things out of life.”

  “Come do
wn and eat,” Colin said.

  Aidan chuckled on his way into the bathroom. “You sound like Mum, throwing food at every problem.”

  “Yeah, okay, fuck you.”

  Aidan’s laughter followed Colin downstairs.