by DC Renee
I hoped that Nora had gotten to her and could be the solace I wasn’t able to. I woke up early, the pounding in my head reminding me of what happened the previous night. But somehow, it also sobered me. I had to get to Paige.
It was only when I made it to her hospital room that I realized the heartbreak I had felt the night before was a hairline fracture, nothing worthy of even a true cast. When I saw her room was empty, the bed freshly made and no sign of Paige, that was when my heart truly broke.
“My wife?” I asked the first nurse I saw.
“Who?”
“Paige Faust,” I told her. She looked at her records but came up short. “Paige Stiles.” It hurt to speak her maiden name out loud. Even though I knew she never changed it, and it hadn’t bothered me before, it suddenly made the gap between us seem miles apart.
“Oh, yes, she was discharged a few hours ago. I think her sister helped her leave.”
I was running out of the hospital and dialing Nora.
“Let me speak to her,” I said as soon as I heard Nora pick up before she even said hi.
“Look, Enzo, I liked you, I really did, but you fucked up big time.”
“I know, Nora. I should have been there for Paige.”
“I’m not interested in your sob story, and I don’t buy your bullshit,” Nora cut me off. “It’s only because of a very small glimmer of hope I have that there is a good guy somewhere inside you that I’m giving you the courtesy of telling you that I have Paige, and she’s coming home with me.”
“Then I’m coming, too.”
“Don’t you dare, Enzo!” she screamed so loudly I flinched. “Haven’t you done enough?” she asked softly. I opened my mouth to protest, but the words died on my lips. “Haven’t you hurt her enough? She didn’t ask for all this, but she bore it all with a smile on her lips. But you broke her, Enzo. This broke her.”
The baby. Didn’t she know it broke me, too? I needed her, and I knew she needed me. I wasn’t giving up. I hung up on Nora and headed toward her house anyway.
I had a few hours to process Nora’s words. Was I a painful reminder of what we could have had? If that was the case, she was going to tell me to my face. I deserved at least that much.
“Leave before I call the cops for trespassing.” Nora opened the door before I even made it up her walkway.
“I just need to make sure she’s okay.”
“She’s not okay, Enzo. I’m not sure she’ll ever be okay.”
“This is hurting me, too!”
“Oh please,” she scoffed. “You don’t give a damn or you wouldn’t have hurt her like that.”
“I didn’t mean to. I didn’t mean for it to all come out like that.”
“Better now than later,” she responded.
“Let me see her,” I demanded. I wasn’t walking away until I could at least see that Paige was in one piece with my own eyes.
“Not happening,” Nora spoke as she put her hands on her hips and stood a little straighter as if she was ready for me to charge. It would have been comical if the scene before me wasn’t so desperate.
“Paige!” I yelled. “Paige, I know you’re there. We can fix this. We can work this out. Let’s talk.”
“Shut up! You want the whole neighborhood to hear?” Nora approached me.
“I don’t care. I need Paige.”
“She doesn’t need you. She doesn’t want you.”
“I’m not leaving until I talk to her.”
“Then I guess you’ll be getting to know my grass really well,” she spoke as she turned away and ran to the door, closing it behind her with a loud click. I’d break it down if I had to, but I didn’t think that would earn me any points.
I walked up to the door and began pounding, calling out for Paige. “Please, just hear me out. I’m sorry. Paige, I need you.” I continued banging on the door, calling out for her, but no answer came. I must have carried on that way for a half hour before my fist hurt and my knuckles were bruised, but still, I continued. It was only after my voice grew hoarse that I slumped against the door. I slid down it until I was sitting with my knees up and my head in my hands.
My eyes wanted to cry, but I had no energy left to shed any tears. I sat there, my body heaving with silent sobs for minutes. And then I heard the most beautiful sound in the world, but the words were the most wretched things I’d ever listened to. “Please Enzo,” I heard Paige’s voice through the door. “Please leave me alone.”
“You don’t mean that,” I said as I stood up, facing the still-closed door.
“I do.”
“I’m not leaving,” I told her.
“It doesn’t matter how long you stay out there, I’m no longer yours to hold on to. Accept it and leave.”
“You will always be mine. Do you hear me, Paige? Mine.” I knew it came out as a growl, but I was a caveman when it came to her, and I didn’t care.
“I was once, Enzo, but not anymore. I’ll never be yours again. If you ever cared about me, even a shred, leave now and don’t look back.”
“You can’t ask me that.”
“I just did.”
“Fine, I’m leaving, but I’m not giving up.” I waited for a response, but when I got none, I hung my head and slowly made my way to my car. It was the worst moment of my life … walking away from Paige … it was like walking away from myself.
I didn’t give up, though. I showed up at Nora’s place every day for the next week, each time to no avail. I was never let in, and I never heard Paige’s voice again. It didn’t stop me from talking to her through the door, telling her how sorry I was for how things worked out and telling her how much I loved her.
It was after a week that Nora finally opened the door and told me that it was hurting Paige to listen to me and I needed to stop. I didn’t want to, but I’d do anything to stop hurting her, so I ceased coming to Nora’s home.
I didn’t stop showing her I cared, though. I sent her flowers every day, different ones, each with the same simple note: I love you, Paige.
I hadn’t really stopped coming to Nora’s house, I was just stealthy about it. I’d park across the street and watch. I couldn’t help but notice on several occasions that the flowers I had sent were in the trash, but that didn’t deter me. It was only after a little over a week when Nora opened her door and headed straight toward me that I panicked. I tried to turn on my car to drive away, but it was like I had lost the ability to think properly.
“You think she’s stupid and doesn’t see you? She doesn’t leave the house for fear of running into you.” Nora spoke through my window. “You want her cooped up in there moping? Because I don’t. Leave and don’t come back.” I had no choice but to abide by her wishes this time. I didn’t want Paige wilting away indoors.
I still sent flowers. I knew when she got herself a new phone thanks to Emily, and the minute I was told, I started calling her every day, leaving her messages. Every one of them was longer than the previous one, and each one described just how sorry I was. I texted her several times a day. They ranged from long rambling messages to things like “I’m thinking about you.” I didn’t know if she read my texts or listened to my messages. I hoped she didn’t delete them, but I knew that she mostly likely did. But still, I didn’t give up.
I tried to show up at her work and school the first couple of days, but I quickly realized she wasn’t going to either. I found out from her mom that she had taken a personal leave from both. I hated that this was not only affecting her and us, but it was affecting her dreams, too.
The hours blurred, the days dragged by, the weeks lost meaning, and time became my worst enemy. Every second I was away from Paige was a second of my life wasted because any time without her wasn’t worth anything.
I didn’t know what to do anymore. My life had consisted of partying and having fun, but when I fell in love with Paige, it consisted of only her. And now that she was gone, I had no life to live. I needed her with desperation, but all I seemed to be doing was
causing her more pain. If I had taken a different route, if I had chosen not to tell Paige or tell her sooner, or maybe not warned our parents, she wouldn’t have found out our entire marriage debacle was a bigger sham than she thought in such a way. There would be no unnecessary stress, and she’d still have our baby. I knew she blamed me. I blamed me, but I just couldn’t function without Paige. I didn’t want to function without her, and so my whole purpose became winning her back. The problem with that was this wasn’t a race or a game, this was life, and you couldn’t win something that didn’t want to be won. In this, there were no winners. I just hadn’t come to terms with that yet.
*****
It had been two months since I last saw Paige. I swore I caught glimpses of her here and there, but I knew it was my mind playing tricks on me. I saw her in the market, on the street, heck, I even saw her on TV, but I knew I was seeing what I wanted to see. My mother was starting to worry, even Emily was starting to worry.
“Everything will work out, I’m sure,” she’d told me when she stopped by to check on me.
“And how do you know that? Have you even talked to her?” It was a low blow, I knew, but I wasn’t in the mood for false hope. Paige had refused to speak with her parents, which actually made the sting of rejection a little easier to handle. I knew she loved her parents so much that she burned with the desire to please them, yet she had distanced herself from them. In time, she’d forgive them, and I hoped she’d do the same with me.
I died a little each day without her. If that meant I was considered weak, so be it. I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything or anyone except Paige. Well, her and the bottom of whichever alcohol bottle I had nearby.
“You look horrible, honey,” my mom had told me on numerous occasions.
“Thanks,” I’d responded dryly.
“You need to do something about yourself. Get up, go fight for her or give up, but you can’t keep living like this.”
“I am fighting,” I told her.
“Seems to me like you’re sitting on the couch, smelling like you haven’t showered in a week, and letting your life pass you by.”
“Paige is my life.”
“Then do something about it.”
“She’s ignoring me.”
“Then try something different.”
“I’ve tried everything,” I told her.
“Then maybe it’s time to let her go.”
“No!” I screamed.
“I want you two together just as much as you do, but sometimes, it’s better to let things go.”
“Like you did with Dad?” I sneered. I had been snapping at everyone lately. My mother didn’t deserve that, but I was in a constant foul mood.
“I’m different, Enzo. You’re stronger than I ever was. This person isn’t you. You need to stop wallowing and move on.”
I ignored her. I wasn’t moving on, and I wasn’t wallowing. I was grieving the loss of the love of my life.
I had just finished a barrage of text messages to Paige when the doorbell rang. I was used to my mom and Emily just using a key and entering, so this was something new. I made my way over to the door and I could feel my heart rate pick up when I saw Chandra at the door. A mixture of fear for why she was here and what that meant for Paige, disappointment it wasn’t Paige, and hope that Chandra was here to bring good news overwhelmed my emotions.
“How’s Paige?” I asked as I opened the door.
“Oh … um … she’s okay, I guess,” Chandra responded. I could see her wrinkle her nose, whether it was thanks to my smell or my look, I couldn’t decipher. “You don’t look so good, though.”
“I’ve been better,” I replied honestly. “You want to come in?” I asked her.
“Oh, no. I shouldn’t. I’m not here for long.”
“You’re bringing me news about Paige, right? Is she okay? Will she speak to me? Has she gone back to work? What about school? When can I see her?”
“I, uh … that’s not why I’m here. I mean, it’s about Paige,” she backpedaled.
“What’s wrong with Paige?” I asked.
“I thought this was going to be a lot easier,” she said more to herself than to me. She looked down at her feet and then moved her purse to the front. She pulled out a large envelope and held it with both hands. “Paige is fine, but Enzo, this is for you.”
Some kind of letter? I’d take any communication from Paige … anything. The written word, a typed letter, even a cliché greeting card. I grabbed the envelope, but Chandra held on. I pulled harder, willing Chandra to let go and let me have a piece of Paige, any piece of her.
She relented and let her hands drop to the side. “You’ve been served, Enzo.” Her voice was so quiet I barely heard her.
“I’m sorry, what?”
“Listen, you look like shit, you smell worse, and your demeanor screams you care for Paige, so even though this all feels wrong to me, the facts are the facts, and they don’t lie. You’re an asshole, Enzo. You hurt my girl, but you won’t hurt her anymore. You’ve been served.” Her voice was harder, and she visibly stiffened her spine.
My fingers trembled as I pulled out the documents, hoping against hope that I was hearing wrong. But I hadn’t. There in black and white were divorce papers. I couldn’t stop the tears even if I wanted to.
“I can’t,” I told Chandra.
“You can and you will. These tears, Enzo, I don’t know if they are real or fake or what your game is, but imagine what this has all done to Paige. Let her go so she can move on with her life.”
“I can’t lose her. I love her. I won’t sign these papers.” My voice was shaking. I was shaking. Chandra stepped closer, her arm out like she was about to comfort me, but then she dropped her hand and took a step back.
“If you love her, then sign the papers. Give her her life back.”
“I’ll be nothing without her.”
“I’m sorry,” she said sounding oddly sincere. “If you love her, sign the papers.” She handed me a pen and pointed toward the documents.
“She doesn’t want anything. Everything you have, everything you own is yours if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“She can have it all. I don’t care about this … this stuff. I care about her.”
“Then show me, show her. Sign.”
And so I did. I signed away my life, my heart, because I had given it to Paige, and if she left, she took it with her.
*****
“What died in here?” I had heard my father’s voice before I saw him.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, trying to fill my voice with disdain, but I didn’t have the desire or energy to. Come to think of it, I didn’t have the desire or energy to do much of anything lately. It was even becoming too difficult to lift a bottle of alcohol to my lips to numb the pain I was in, and I was in agony. Heart wrenching, gut twisting agony. That was what happened when you gave up, when you signed your name on what might as well be your death certificate.
“Your mother is worried about you.”
“So she thought sending a wolf to a lamb’s place was the way to go? Kill me quickly instead of letting me die slowly?”
He ignored my comment as he cleaned up the living room a bit. I never thought I’d see the day my dad lifted a finger for anything. “She told me about the divorce papers.”
“Of course, she did.” My mother had checked on me earlier that week, the day after Chandra had served me with a life sentence of misery. To say I was a mess was an understatement. She came back every day after that, but I barely heard a word she said. I didn’t know what it was about my dad, but he could get a rise out of me even in the bleakest of circumstances. Where I ignored anyone else who stopped by that week, I answered him no problem.
“What are you doing wallowing in self-pity?” he asked.
“What the hell do you care?”
“You’re my son!” he bellowed as if that mattered to him.
“Haven’t been anything but a burd
en to you in a long time.”
“That’s not true.”
“What are you even doing here?” I asked, truly curious.
“I’m here to talk some sense into you.”
“No use. Got no sense left,” I retorted.
“Goddammit, Enzo. Who are you?”
“A shell of myself.” It was the most honest answer I could give him.
“I see that, but that’s not you.”
“What do you know about me?”
“I know you’re better than this.”
“You haven’t known me in a long time, old man, especially to know I’m better than anything.”
He paused and scratched his chin with his hand. I was caught in his web, waiting to hear what he had to say next. “Fine, fine … maybe I don’t know you the way I should, but how about I tell you what I see?”
“How about not?”
He didn’t listen to me. “I see myself, Enzo. I see a man spiraling down into an abyss he can’t get himself out of. I see the chain reaction taking place, one move causing the other.”
“I don’t know what the hell you are talking about.”
“This, Enzo,” he waved his hand around the place, “all of this … you, Paige, everything… it was all for you.”
“It was so I wouldn’t embarrass you or do something stupid to ruin your precious life!”
“Do you love her?” He changed the subject.
“More than you could ever understand.”
“Then stop brooding and go fight for her.”
“She doesn’t want me.”
“This weakling isn’t who I raised.”
