by Starla Kaye
Now as she witnessed her strong, powerful husband standing before her with slumped shoulders and eyes downcast, she didn’t know how to help him. She didn’t know how to help them get through this difficult situation.
Finally he said flatly, “You cannot promise me that you won’t die and I will not take the chance.” Tears of frustration stung her eyes.
She wanted to grab him and shake him, make him let go of his fears. He wasn’t being fair to her because of a tragedy in his past. But she sat there, clenching her fists in the fabric of her chemise, grimly holding onto the threads of her patience. She needed to think about the matter. She needed to find a way to reach him and help him heal. He found his braies and shoved them on, then his tunic and his boots. In seconds he was dressed and opening the door. He stood stiffly without looking back at her. “I do not wish to discuss this again, Gloriana.”
She didn’t say a word; just let him leave because she understood that was what he had to do for the moment. Part of her wanted to grieve for the loss of a babe she would never have. The stronger, determined part of her refused to give up yet. Geoffrey had nearly destroyed her. He’d beaten her, abused her in too many ways to consider. He’d battled down her love for life, her dreams. But even the short amount of time he’d been here, Thomas had saved her from despair and living her life in constant fear. She had to find a way to do the same for him. She had to help him let go of the fear of losing her in childbirth.
Her heart felt oddly lighter, her stomach fluttered with anticipation. She’d seen the hungry looks Thomas gave her. She’d experienced the depth of his need for her when they’d made love. He cared for her. Maybe he didn’t love her, but he cared for her. Cared enough that he didn’t want her to die and leave him. He doesn’t want to be left to raise another child on his own. Nay, she refused to think that was all of it. Besides, he hadn’t raised James. She lay back and thought upon the problem. You were wrong, husband. We will talk of this again.
***
Thomas strode down the stairs and into the great hall. It was still early and people were just beginning to awaken from where they slept on pallets over most of the hall’s floor. The air was dank from sweaty bodies, slightly soiled rushes and the lack of air movement caused by the main door still being closed. He heard the cooks working in the kitchen and knew that soon the usual breads, cheeses, pastries and jugs of ale would be brought to the long tables soon to be set up. Before long everyone would be sitting down to break their morning’s fast. His stomach felt tight, churned with tension. The thought of food didn’t sit well with him. Not after what had happened in his bedchamber.
Gloriana. It sickened him that he’d hurt her. Her tears, the way her small shoulders had trembled from sobbing, had nearly done him in. She’d let him do what he wanted to her, trusting him not to cause her pain, trusting him to give them both pleasure. He’d given her that. But when he’d reached his point of release, he’d pulled from her warm body to spill his seed.
He fisted his hands and ground his teeth to keep from roaring out his frustration. Everything had gotten crazy from that moment on. Her pain-filled cry of “You could have given me a babe!” still tortured him. His stern refusal haunted him as well.
A baby’s cry on the far side of the great hall captured his attention. In the dim light of wall torches, he watched as a young mother pulled the baby to her and lowered her top enough that the youngling could latch onto her nipple. The babe couldn’t be more than a few weeks old. Thomas stood there unable to look away, feeling gut-punched and as if he were bleeding on the inside. Tears stung his eyes.
Finally, he tore his gaze away. Sarah had never had the chance to nurse her son. Thomas had never gotten to see her act the happy, contented mother. It hurt. All of it. He’d been off battling in another senseless war. She’d taken a fall while his sister and Abernon were visiting and she’d gone into labor early. She’d given birth to his son while his sister and brother-in-law were there for her. They’d been helpless to save her life. But James had lived. He thanked God every day for that. Still, the guilt of not being there for Sarah weighed so heavily on him that at times he couldn’t breathe from it. Along with that, he bore the guilt for not having been a better husband…for not having loved her.
A young blonde maid bustled by him headed for the kitchen and his thoughts turned to Gloriana. He didn’t understand his feelings for her yet, but they were strong. What he did know was that he could not lose her. Her vow that she wouldn’t die giving birth were foolish words. Many women bled to death in childbirth. But many more don’t.
He closed his eyes on a wave of wrenching pain. Sarah had wanted a child. He’d given it to her. He couldn’t help feeling that he’d been at fault for her death. He would not risk Gloriana’s life that way!
Gerald walked up to him, pulling Thomas from his troubled musings. The bailiff’s face was covered by the scraggly start of a beard over his tight jaw. His eyes narrowed. “What upsets you, Lord Middlemound?” He glanced toward a pair of soldiers grumbling testily as they rose from their pallets nearby, then he lowered his tone. “Do you worry because you have not heard back from the message sent to Lord Abernon? I can send another group of soldiers out.”
“It concerns me, but, nay, we will wait another day or two.” Thomas hoped with his answer that the other man would simply walk away.
Instead Gerald’s gaze darted toward the stairs and his frown became darker. “Is Lady Gloriana all right?”
He was getting tired of not being trusted with her. He straightened his shoulders and flexed his hands at his sides in irritation. “She is not happy with me. Tis a private matter.”
Then he looked more closely at the older man, saw the concern in his eyes when their gazes met. The man was protective of Gloriana and still unsure of their marriage. He knew much of her history with Geoffrey and didn’t want to see her suffer again. He could not fault the warrior for that.
Gerald’s expression remained hard. “Do not hurt her.”
Even if Thomas understood Gerald’s worry, he was in a foul mood. He was spoiling for a fight, something physical to release the tension curling within him. He stepped nearly nose-to-nose with the man of similar height and build. “I will not hurt her! And I refuse to continue to reassure you, or anyone else, about the matter.” Gerald’s nostrils flared, but he didn’t make a move. Their silent testing each other now drew the attention of many of the nearby people. It was a bad situation. Yet Thomas wouldn’t be the first to back down. The man owed him respect as his lord.
From the corner of his eye, Thomas saw Rowan walk out of the kitchen nibbling on a chunk of bread.
As soon as Rowan turned and glanced in their direction, he strode toward them. “What goes on here?” Rowan demanded, standing next to Thomas in support. Gerald sent him a do-not-interfere look, though he remained quiet.
“Nothing, Sir Rowan,” Thomas bit out. His gaze settled on the bailiff again, anger sizzling just below the surface.
Thomas raised his gaze to take in the uneasy soldiers and servants close to them, watching, waiting. A tense silence filled the area. He did not like having to defend himself. He raised his voice so all in the hall could hear him. “This is the last time I will tell you all that I will never hurt your lady. I am not Geoffrey Stewart. I will never raise my hand to my wife.”
Some of the tension eased, but he knew they were all aware that Stewart had done more than beat Gloriana. He blew out a frustrated breath. “We may argue from time to time, like all couples. But I will never verbally abuse my wife, either.” Deciding that he’d said more than enough, Thomas moved around Gerald, shooting warning looks at everyone he passed as he hurried toward the keep’s door. He prayed he’d hear from Abernon this day before his mood turned even worse. He wanted his son with him, needed a chance to right the wrongs he’d done James. Most of all he wanted to be alone to get over his anger with Gloriana.
But Rowan was on his heels when he walked out onto the steps. In truth, Rowan�
��s presence was the only one he truly didn’t mind. His friend had a way of settling him down. Just as Thomas knew how to calm Rowan when the troubles in his past came back to haunt him.
***
Rowan studied Thomas’s stiff posture, the rigid muscles of his chest. He feared that as upset as his friend was, Gloriana was even more distressed. Thomas’s emotions ran deep, though he usually kept them hidden. That Thomas had nearly gone to blows in the hall with Gerald was a clear sign that he had taken about as much as he could handle. He knew Thomas hadn’t minded taking on this large holding, although he knew Thomas had known getting the people here to accept him would be difficult. Such was always the case when a new lord took over a holding. Being ordered to marry the previous lord’s widow hadn’t been something Thomas had wanted. As always, he’d obeyed his King, done his duty. Marrying Gloriana hadn’t been such a hardship—even Rowan, a man who’d never before wanted marriage, wouldn’t have found being her husband a hardship. No, he knew that for the most part Thomas was happy in the marriage. Except for this business about Gloriana wanting a baby and him being unable to give her one.
“Tis a bad situation,” Thomas finally said, looking up at the guard walking on the parapet.
Rowan took a deep breath. The matter was a prickly one and his loyalties were strained. He had strong feelings for Gloriana and didn’t want to see her hurt in any way. But his feelings for Thomas were intense as well. He needed to choose his words carefully. “For both of you, aye. I know your fears, and I know how strongly
Gloriana wants a babe of her own.” He’d seen the joy that crossed her face when the castle’s children came around her. She drew them like flies to crumbs. Her eyes danced with delight when they were nearby. Her smile was never bigger.
He saw the pain that washed over Thomas’s face, but he had to say more. “You’re hurting her with your stubbornness. Driving her away.”
Thomas reached up to run a hand through his hair, a habit Rowan knew he had when frustrated. The day was breezy and fluttered his hair around his face. “She needs to accept my decision.”
“You fought about this, didn’t you?”
“Aye. After…” Thomas grimaced as he looked at Rowan before focusing across the bailey again. Rowan sniffed and inhaled the scent of the aftereffects of lovemaking. Envy curled through him. Longing. “After you returned to her bed this morn. After you made love to her,” he said the words dully.
Thomas nodded and continued looking away.
Rowan sensed his friend felt guilt about the matter, which was foolish. Thomas and Gloriana were married. Having sexual relations was to be expected. Truly Rowan was all right with that, but he needed, wanted intimacy with Thomas as well. He’d known Thomas had not slept in his marital bedchamber these past few nights, but he’d not come to Rowan’s bed, either. He could have found the chamber Thomas slept in and gone to him, but he’d decided to wait for his lover to approach him. Now he was sexually frustrated. Standing here next to the man who could take care of that matter was difficult. His cock throbbed with an aching need for release. He wanted to find a place of privacy and bend Thomas over, drive into his ass. Appease his desire and take some of the tension off Thomas as well.
Instead he fought back all of it and focused on the problem of Gloriana. “She didn’t want your special tea this time, I take it.”
Thomas’s shoulders stiffened. “I did not try to give her any.” He drew in a deep breath and blew it out. “This morn I used another method. I withdrew from her body before shooting my seed.”
“God’s teeth!” Rowan snapped in disgust. “Twould be kinder if you just didn’t have sex with her.”
“Kinder, but impossible. My body craves hers.” Thomas faced Rowan, clearly frustrated. He lowered his tone, “Just as I crave yours.”
The heat in Thomas’s eyes, the nearness, the intense awareness for one another was nearly Rowan’s undoing. He desperately wanted to pull Thomas to him. He wanted to plant his lips against Thomas’s. He wanted to reach down and grab Thomas’s cock. He wanted Thomas to grab his as well. His body thrummed with a powerful need that couldn’t be satisfied. At least not now.
His gaze softened, but his lowered tone hardened, “Come to me this night.”
Several men walked from the keep behind them, gave them a curious look. Thomas gave a curt nod.
“As we discussed, I will talk to Gerald about sending more men out on the morrow,” Rowan said. He and Thomas had already talked about the subject yesterday. The first group of men sent with a message should have been back by now, unless Abernon had delayed in taking his time to prepare a response.
“Aye, do so.” Thomas headed for the paddocks, calling over his shoulder to the men who had just passed. “I will ride into the village now. You three, prepare to ride with me.”
***
Gloriana stood at the window of their bedchamber and watched her husband ride away from the castle with three of his men. She had no idea where he was headed this day. She doubted it was farther than the village since he had taken so few men with him. Neither Sir Gerald nor Rowan accompanied him, which puzzled her a bit, but also made her believe whatever mission he was off on wasn’t serious.
She was worried about him. He could be so impossibly stubborn at times that she just wanted to grab hold of him and shake some sense into him. What a bizarre image, that. He towered over her by a foot, out muscled her by a lot. In physical comparison, she was that tiny woman he believed her to be. Yet she was finding herself to be stronger in spirit with every passing day. Thomas didn’t terrorize her, didn’t try to demean her, didn’t attempt to lower her in everyone’s eyes the way Geoffrey had. He allowed her to fulfill her role as chatelaine, though she knew he watched from a distance. He listened to her occasional chatter about this or that matter to do with running the keep. He allowed her to be what she wanted to be…except a mother to his babe. Oh, he wanted her to act as a mother to his son when he came here, if he came here, which she gladly would do. But the man refused to listen to reason about giving her a babe.
Stubborn, stubborn man! All right, she was being particularly stubborn about wanting a babe born of her body as well. But she longed to hold a baby close and smooth her hand over its downy-covered head. She yearned to inhale a baby’s sweet scent, watch it smile up at her. Smile up at her with Thomas’s eyes.
Thomas. Such complicated feelings she had for her warrior husband. Her woman’s place quivered, and she recognized what wonders it had felt earlier. He’d taken her body with such raw passion, such desperate need. He’d forced her to cry out as everything in her had exploded. And then he’d pulled from her body at the longed-for moment. He’d robbed her of the chance to have a baby. His words had been even crueler.
Tears misted her eyes even as anger at his stubbornness spread within her. Obstinate man! He had won this round of what had become an important battle. But she would not give up, could not give up.
***
The great hall echoed with so much noise that Thomas’s head throbbed from it. His mood had soured as the day went on. The argument, brief as it was, with Gloriana had stayed at the forefront of his thoughts all day. Every time he closed his eyes for even a second, he’d seen the tears on her gentle face, heard the anguish in her sobs. How many times had his attention wandered from what he’d been doing to wondering if he truly was wrong about the babe? How many times had he then remembered being told how Sarah had bled to death giving birth to James? He did not even want to think about such a situation with Gloriana. And yet seeing and hearing her misery…
He heard her gentle laugh as she shared something of her day with Rowan, who tonight sat beside her and not him. He wanted to hear that sound for the rest of his days.
“Tis good to hear you laugh, wife,” he said, surprising himself.
Both Gloriana and Rowan looked curiously at him, making him feel foolish. Surprising him even more since they’d barely spoken since his return a couple of hours ago, she gave him a
gentle smile. “Twould be good to hear you laugh, my lord.”
“I’ve had nothing to laugh at of late.” Not wanting to see pity in her eyes, he concentrated on the trencher of venison stew in front of him.
“Mayhap we should have a band of minstrels come here to entertain before long. Twould lighten everyone’s mood.” She offered the suggestion with clear hope in her voice. Rowan said gently, “I’m afraid, my lady, that your husband is not fond of traveling minstrels.”
“Oh, that’s too bad. I’d hoped… Well, never mind. It was a foolish idea anyway.” She picked up her cup of mead and sipped at it.
His friend was right; Thomas didn’t particularly enjoy the silly dancing about and endless nonsense of the jokers who came with the traveling minstrels. And he wasn’t fond of minstrels by themselves. Yet at the way her small shoulders slumped, he said, “Arrange for a group to come to Middlemound; preferably in a fortnight.” The smile she flashed him stole deep into his heart. Such a small concession had greatly pleased her. He drew in a calmer breath, the heaviness that had been inside him all day lifted. All because of her gentle smile.
The main door grated open and drew his attention, as well as that of Rowan and many of the men nearby. He tensed, watching the men he’d sent to Abernon walk into the hall. The lead soldier strode straight to Thomas with a rolled parchment.
“Lord Abernon took longer than we’d expected to write out a response, my lord. We returned as quickly as we could.” He handed over the missive and then went to find a seat at one of the tables to take his sup with the men who had ridden with him.
