“I’m prepared to take that chance.”
“How much of a stumbling block?” Nate asked.
Greg shrugged. “There’s no way of knowing until we start interviewing parents and see if Hallie maintaining contact is a deal breaker.”
“And if it’s a deal breaker,” Hallie said with confidence, “that’s my proof they aren’t the right parents.”
She looked back at Nate for his comeback.
A muscle in his jaw twitched, but Nate dropped the subject.
Greg pushed another document toward them. “This is a form from the private adoption agency we’ll be working with that specifies the requirements a couple must meet before you’ll consider them as parents. That’s why I asked you to meet with Deb Langston this morning. She’ll help you fill out the questionnaire and you can drop it off with my assistant after your appointment. The agency can’t begin screening parents until they have the information.”
Hallie reached out, picked up the questionnaire and placed it in her purse. But she was dreading their next appointment even more than she’d dreaded this one.
Dr. Deborah Langston was the child psychologist Janet and David had been working with since the adoption to help Ahn acclimate to her new surroundings. What worried Hallie was Dr. Langston picking up on the underlying tension between her and Nate.
Hallie was in no mood to do any explaining. And she knew that went double for Nate.
Nate wasn’t the talk-it-all-out type. His guard was always up like some badge of honor—never letting anyone too close, hanging back and keeping his distance. He’d even been that way with David to a certain extent, although David had never let Nate get away with it.
Hallie couldn’t count the number of times she’d seen David grab Nate in a bear hug and tell his brother he loved him. Nate had always grimaced and never hugged back. But Hallie knew Nate loved his brother.
He obviously had issues but they were his.
Hallie had her own emotional issues to worry about. The next few months were going to be horrific, and the last thing Hallie needed was some psychologist probing into the complex nature of their relationship. She was one second away from asking Greg if he could have the psychologist fill out the questionnaire without a meeting being necessary when Greg glanced at his watch.
“It’s only nine-thirty,” he said. “You’ll have a few minutes to grab a cup of coffee in the lobby if you want.” He pushed a business card forward. “I made your appointment for ten o’clock. Dr. Langston’s office is on the sixth floor. That’s her suite number.”
Greg stood, picked up his folder and circled the table. He shook hands with Nate who stood as well. “Just remember,” he said, “Ahn is the real victim here. Her best interest has to come first.”
Those words made Hallie wince.
What a selfish, hypocritical bitch she was. She’d just debated with Nate, spouting her concern for Ahn, when she hadn’t been thinking about Ahn at all. She’d only been thinking about herself. And yes, as Nate accused, trying to soothe her guilty conscience.
It killed Hallie knowing she hadn’t spent more time with Janet and Ahn while Janet was alive. She’d been too busy. Too busy to spend time with the sister she loved and the niece she didn’t even know. If only she could turn back the clock.
If only.
Greg’s hand rested on Hallie’s shoulder again. “Don’t worry, we’ll find the right parents. Call me if you need anything. Otherwise, I’ll be in touch when I have potential couples for you to interview.”
We’ll find the right parents.
How Hallie prayed that was true.
She was Ahn’s aunt. She was never meant to be her mother. But she’d be a better aunt than mere calls and cards and presents as Nate accused. She’d be there for Ahn, just as Janet had always been there for Hallie. And her heart overruling her head had nothing to do with it.
It was the right thing to do.
CHAPTER TWO
WHEN THEY WALKED into the elevator and Hallie pushed the button for the sixth floor, Nate knew they would not be going down to the lobby for coffee before their meeting as Greg suggested. But that was okay.
Flying under the radar was Nate’s main goal.
He’d been trying to keep the peace. And he’d been trying to avoid as much confrontation with Hallie as possible from the moment he’d arrived in Boston.
It hadn’t been easy.
One minute Nate was amazed at Hallie’s resolve, the next minute he wanted to shake her. She’d blindsided him when she’d told Greg she wanted to stay in touch with Ahn.
That was the first he’d heard of it.
And she’d certainly had plenty of time to tell him.
Hallie had been in his face for the past week trying to dictate what they were going to do about Ahn until they could find new parents. As far as Nate was concerned, that issue was still unresolved. He wasn’t sure what part of joint guardian Hallie didn’t understand, but he was real close to patiently explaining it to her.
Still, Nate feared he was going to lose the battle.
For years Hallie had pretended to tolerate him for David and Janet’s sake. He knew it. She knew it. But there was no reason to tolerate him now. And Hallie had made it exceedingly clear all she wanted from him was him to be gone.
She’d told him flat out to go back to Afghanistan.
There was no reason for him to stay, she’d said. She would hire a full-time nanny for Ahn, and she would stay at David and Janet’s until they could find new parents. And since both of them had to agree, when she did find a couple she liked, then he could fly home, interview them and see if they met his approval.
There was only one problem with Hallie’s plan.
Nate wasn’t going back to Afghanistan.
Had Hallie given him the chance—instead of barking out orders at him—he would have told her that he’d arranged for his replacement even before he left for the States. But then, Nate had run out of chances with Hallie a long time ago.
He glanced over his shoulder at her standing behind him in the elevator. Her arms were folded, her head resting back against the elevator wall, her eyes closed.
She was tired, just as he was. Tired of the mind-numbing pain. Tired of the difficult task before them. Tired of knowing their lives had changed forever.
She’d always been on the thin side, but since the funeral Hallie seemed to be melting away before Nate’s eyes. If she weighed much more than one hundred pounds, Nate would be shocked.
He was worried about her.
Nate knew how grief had the power to ravish the human soul. He’d seen it happen to his mother after his father was killed rescuing a fellow firefighter. Nate couldn’t remember a time growing up when his mother hadn’t been depressed. She was in a nursing home now way before her time, her chronic depression finally leading to Alzheimer’s disease, which had put her there.
At least she’d been spared David’s death because now his mother didn’t remember her sons at all.
It worried Nate that he could see the same thing happening to Hallie—letting her grief consume her, falling into a deep depression. And it didn’t matter that she had a satisfying career or that she enjoyed her life as a single woman. All that faded with these horrific circumstances they faced.
Nate knew Janet had been Hallie’s touchstone—the glue that held Hallie’s life together. Hallie had said those exact words five years ago. Not to him, of course. She’d been talking to David while the three of them sat in the hospital waiting room after Janet had been rushed into emergency surgery for the ectopic pregnancy that sadly ended her ability to have children.
Nate had never forgotten the lost look on Hallie’s face as she sat there for hours worrying about her sister. And how could he? He’d been seeing that same lost look on Hallie’s face from the moment he got home.
That was why he was positive no good could come from Hallie living in Wedge Pond where she was constantly reminded that the one person she’d always depen
ded on was gone. He should be the one to stay at David and Janet’s and hire a full-time nanny to take care of Ahn. Hallie needed to come back to her apartment here in Boston and go back to work as soon as possible.
She needed to be in her own element. Keeping busy. Being productive. Handling her daily executive producer problems that were constantly coming at her from all directions.
Busy was good.
Busy helped keep the pain at bay.
Besides, did it really matter who stayed to supervise the nanny? The nanny would be taking care of Ahn, just as Roberta had been caring for the child since the accident. In fact, Nate couldn’t think of one time Hallie had even held Ahn over the past few weeks, much less taken any responsibility for her care. But he wasn’t being fair—he’d made no attempt to interact with Ahn, either.
Since the accident, it had taken everything he and Hallie had to put one foot in front of the other and make it through another day. Allowing Roberta to ease the burden by caring for the baby had been what anyone would have done under the circumstances.
Thinking about Hallie’s stepmother, however, sent Nate’s thoughts in a different direction. As soon as he had an opportunity to talk to her alone, he needed to win Roberta over to his way of thinking.
Roberta had a lot of influence over Hallie even if they did butt heads on a regular basis. If Roberta sided with him, eventually maybe Hallie would, too.
The bell dinged and the elevator doors opened.
Nate stepped aside and politely motioned for Hallie to go ahead of him. She stared at him for a second before she shifted her purse strap to her shoulder and stepped forward. Nate was not prepared when Hallie suddenly grabbed his arm and marched him into the hallway.
“We need to talk before this meeting.”
She pointed to the unisex restroom directly across from the elevator. The next thing Nate knew, they were in the tiny bathroom together with the door locked. Hallie had her back against the door as if to prevent his escape.
So much for flying under the radar.
There was no getting along with this woman.
“Talk about what?” Nate demanded.
“You know exactly about what,” she said. “What we should have talked about ten years ago. We should have had it out back then and gotten it over with.”
Nate frowned. “And that’s what you want to do now? Stand here in a public bathroom and finally have it out?” He hoped she would see how ridiculous that sounded.
The determined look on her face said she didn’t.
“That’s exactly what I want to do,” she said. “We’re minutes away from meeting with a psychologist. If we don’t put our differences to rest before this meeting, we’re both going to end up in therapy.”
“Fine,” Nate said, throwing his hands up in the air. “You want to have it out, Hallie? Go for it. Blast away.”
She crossed her arms. “That Friday night after my first week at the station when we all went out for drinks after work at the club. Tell me the truth. If you weren’t interested in me, Nate, why did you insist on taking me home?”
Nate’s laugh was cynical. “You mean after you took your blouse off on the dance floor?”
Her chin came up. “I was hot and I had a camisole on underneath my blouse and you know it. In fact, even without it, I was wearing more than most women in that club.”
“Then maybe it was the way you twirled your blouse around over your head like a stripper before you threw it into the crowd. Yeah. I’m pretty sure that’s when I realized you’d had a little too much to drink and it might be wise if I made sure you got home safe.”
“Safe?” She snorted. “I sure wouldn’t call what we were doing in the back of that taxi any kind of safe. If I remember right, we were all over each other.”
“I’d had my share of alcohol that night, too,” Nate said in his own defense.
One eyebrow came up when she said, “But you were sober on Saturday when you went to see the station manager to have me transferred, Nate. And that’s what I’ve never understood. Why didn’t you just call me and tell me you weren’t interested in me? Why did you let me walk into the station on Monday morning when everyone knew we’d left the bar together Friday night and embarrass me like that?”
Nate let out a long sigh and ran a hand through his hair as he tried to sort out what he wanted to say. And yes, he was stalling. And who wouldn’t? He was trapped in a bathroom with a woman who had been seething for ten long years over what he’d done to her.
Nate could tell the truth.
Or he could lie about it.
Either way, he doubted Hallie would ever be satisfied.
Nate opted for the truth. “You were a kid, Hallie. You were too young for me. But I knew if we continued working together, we would end up in bed. That left me with two choices, and both of them sucked. I could be a jerk and sleep with you. Or I could be a jerk and have you transferred. I did what I thought was best for you under the circumstances. And that’s the honest truth.”
IT WAS THE LAST THING Hallie had expected Nate to say.
And the worst thing Nate could have admitted.
She couldn’t even take any satisfaction in his admission that he had been attracted to her—which came as a shock to Hallie. Maybe that satisfaction would come later. But at the moment, Hallie was pissed.
“And you couldn’t have told me I was too young for you? To back off? That it wasn’t going to happen between us?” Hallie demanded. “You really thought destroying my self-esteem and humiliating me in front of everyone at the station was the best thing you could do for me? Under the circumstances?”
“I guess this is the wrong time to point out that transferring you to the production department actually worked out pretty well for you.”
Hallie’s eyes narrowed. “Don’t you dare make light of what you did to me, Nate. I won’t stand for it. Everyone thought we slept together, even though we didn’t. And that left me looking like the stupid bimbo you tossed aside after you got what you wanted.”
His expression softened. “You’re right,” he said. “I shouldn’t have embarrassed you like that. And I should have apologized to you a long time ago.”
“Then why didn’t you?”
Nate kept staring at her.
Hallie stared back. In fact, it felt good staring openly at Nate like this, instead of one of them doing what they usually did and looking away if their eyes happened to meet.
Maybe too good.
“Let me ask you this,” Nate said. “What if I had apologized to you after I had you transferred? And what if I’d told you the truth that I thought you were too young for me? Would you have backed off and accepted the fact that it wasn’t going to happen between us?”
He caught Hallie off guard with those questions.
She thought of all the times she’d brought a date to Thanksgiving dinner, or to Christmas, or to any other function at Janet and David’s when she knew Nate was going to be there. It had been her way of thumbing her nose at Nate’s rejection, her proof that other men desired her whether Nate did or not.
Over the years, she’d dated more men, she’d broken up with more men and she’d turned down more men than she cared to remember. And the sad truth was, not one of them measured up to this man.
But did she have the guts to ’fess up and tell him the truth?
“Yes, I would have accepted your apology,” Hallie finally said. “But no, I wouldn’t have backed off. I was crazy about you. I would have pursued you to the depths of hell and back trying to prove you wrong.”
“And that’s why I had you transferred,” Nate said. “I knew I couldn’t survive another taxi ride.”
Hallie sighed and shook her head. “And all these years I thought the very sight of me disgusted you. That you were an insufferable egotistical bastard who didn’t think I was worthy of your time.”
“The very sight of me did disgust you,” he mentioned.
Hallie grimaced at the thought of how rude s
he’d been to Nate so many times. “I’m so sorry, Nate.”
“So am I,” he said. “For everything.”
It was his inflection on everything that got her.
The everything currently eating them both up inside.
Hallie stepped forward, and slid her arms around Nate’s waist, letting her head rest on his shoulder. She felt him stiffen for a second, but he put his arms around her, too.
There was nothing sexual about their embrace. Nothing sexual implied. Nothing sexual intended. Nothing sexual period. Their embrace was completely innocent, but it was long overdue.
They simply held each other.
No words were necessary.
No words were adequate for the loss they’d suffered.
But having Nate’s arms around her was the comfort Hallie had been waiting for since the two policemen arrived at her office to tell her about the accident. Comfort from the one person who loved Janet and David every bit as much as she did.
CHAPTER THREE
BY THE TIME she and Nate made it to Dr. Deborah Langston’s office, Hallie had stopped worrying about the psychologist picking up on any underlying tension between them. The heart-to-heart in the bathroom had altered the dynamics of their strained relationship.
But the emotional upheaval had been exhausting.
All Hallie wanted was to go back to Wedge Pond so she could retreat and not have to talk to anyone else for the remainder of the day. Then she’d have time to take stock. Ahn, Nate, and Roberta were the only family she had left. But there were no blood ties to keep them together. Janet and David had been their bond. Without that center pulling them all in, would they keep in touch? Given how Hallie had never really gotten along with Roberta, it was doubtful. And she’d truly be alone.
So if she didn’t want that, it was up to her to strengthen those relationships. How the hell she’d accomplish that baffled her at the moment. And the mere thought of no family to catch her when she fell nearly brought her to her knees.
Adopted Parents Page 2
