by Karis Walsh
Arden frowned. “What are we supposed to actually do, then? Move to some random place where neither of us has a job?”
Marty nodded. “Exactly. Start over on neutral ground.”
Rebecca rolled her eyes. “Geez, there’s a brilliant solution. Both of you give up what you want. That’s sure to make you happy. So, Arden, do you want my advice?”
“No, thanks.” Arden shook her head firmly. She had heard too many unsolicited and unhelpful suggestions already today.
“What you need to do,” Rebecca continued, ignoring Arden’s response, “is ask her to stay. You deserve your shot at the internship, and if Emilie really cares for you, she’ll do what it takes to support you.”
“What if she isn’t offered another spot with the company for next season?” Lisa asked. She had come over to refill their drinks and caught the tail end of Rebecca’s plan.
“She can work behind the scenes. Assistant stage manager, or in the publicity department. Something like that.”
“Maybe she could get a job with the college,” Lisa added, setting a fresh beer in front of Arden, “teaching acting.”
“I’ve heard there’ll be an opening for groundskeeper at the park,” Marty said.
Rebecca clinked her mug against Marty’s. “There you go. A very poetic solution.”
Arden wasn’t sure she had ever heard the two of them agree on anything, and this seemed to be a bizarre time for them to start. She picked up her beer and leaned back slightly, moving out of the triangle of scheming that was taking place in front of her. At least the three of them were focused on Emilie now, talking about the training she would need before she took over Arden’s old job, and had taken their spotlight off Arden. She decided to let them ramble for a while and enjoy the peace.
Nobody seemed to understand that she simply hurt and needed time before she stopped hurting. Every time she had fallen for an actor in the past, she had gone through this same process. The sadness would fade, and she’d eventually be able to look at another woman without seeing the face of an ex superimposed on her.
Her feelings for Emilie went far beyond what she’d ever experienced with another girlfriend, but the process should be the same. It just might take longer than normal. Desire faded once the object of her attraction was out of her life. Her response to Emilie was deeper than desire, but shouldn’t the principle of out of sight, out of mind still apply?
Arden set her mug on the bar because her hands were suddenly shaky and she was afraid she’d drop it. She barely registered that her friends were discussing plans to sign Emilie up for a gardening course at a local community college, and she turned her head to look at the head shot of Emilie.
She loved her. Real, lasting, passionate love. The kind she had seen between her grandparents. And—if she was being completely honest with herself—the kind she had always noticed glimmering between her parents on the rare occasions when she was with them. She had been jealous of their love for each other because it excluded her, but it was there nonetheless. If what she felt for Emilie was love, then she would never get over her. She wouldn’t be able to move her memory aside and fall for someone else. She would always, always feel this sense of loss.
Arden blinked back a warm rush of tears, relieved that the threesome was still lost in plans for Landscaper Emilie and didn’t notice her. She hadn’t cried since Emilie had told her the news about Broadway, and she wished she hadn’t picked the busy pub as the place to get weepy. But what was left to do but cry when she realized that the love of her life was going away, and all she had left were the unhelpful options offered by her friends?
“Options,” Arden said, speaking the word out loud. She sniffed and wiped away a tear that had escaped down her cheek.
“Oh, Arden, don’t cry,” Rebecca said, wrapping her arm around Arden’s waist and leaning her head on her shoulder. Marty patted her hand awkwardly, and Lisa grabbed a bowl of pretzels off the back counter and set it in front of Arden.
She laughed weakly, awed by the rush of compassion from her friends. “I’m good,” she said. “Maybe better than good. There are options.”
Rebecca sat upright again. “Of course there are. Plenty of them.”
Arden shook her head, unable to sort through what she had just realized, let alone explain it. She had never thought in terms of choices before. She’d fall for a woman, then she would leave for another role. Arden would stay behind. The course was set, and she had expected all along that she and Emilie would follow the exact same path that Arden had been on since her parents left.
“She could stay. I could leave. We both could go somewhere new. I could go to a frat party. Options.” Arden laughed again at her friends’ confused expressions. “Not all of them are good options, but they exist.”
Marty grinned at her, and Arden knew she understood at least the gist of what Arden was saying. She lifted her mug.
“To Arden and her options,” she said.
Arden clinked her mug against theirs. The road in front of her suddenly had branches she hadn’t expected to see. She was overwhelmed by the choices but ready to pick a new route instead of following the worn, rutted one.
“To good friends,” she said, raising her mug again.
“Hear, hear,” said Marty, bumping against Arden with her shoulder.
Arden felt a sense of release as all the sensations that had been in hiding since Emilie’s news returned in full force. Suddenly she heard the sounds of laughter and music from the other patrons and felt the warmth from the crackling fire. The sweet smell of beer-battered fish and chips frying in the kitchen wafted over to her, and she felt hungry again after days of barely being able to eat. She ordered dinner and talked with her friends, with Emilie’s blue eyes watching her from the photo on the wall.
Chapter Twenty-two
Emilie sat in the courtyard outside Carpenter Hall. She stared cross the Bricks and toward Lithia Park, toward Arden, feeling as if she had left the most important part of her there among the trees and flowers. All she was left with up here, on this cold wooden bench, were the uncomfortable and lonely parts that surrounded the spot where her heart used to be.
She had let herself feel all the messy, horrible pain. She hadn’t tried to numb what she felt, but rather had experienced it in all its raw power, just as she had done with the joy that filled her after her night with Arden. The emotions spilled into her acting, somehow taking on the form required by each role she played. Lady Anne had been drenched with grief, and more than one member of the audience had admitted to her that she had made them cry. Titania was more magical and otherworldly, and the younger Anne had filled the stage with an energetic presence even with so few lines to speak. And Cassella? Emilie sensed the power crackling out of her and seeping into every corner of the small theater.
She had tapped into the truth of her acting talent, but she was miserable off the stage. Would she trade her newfound confidence and success to have Arden back? The answer terrified her. She had finally got what she wanted—how could she be willing to give it away again?
She glanced at her watch and stood. Jay had asked to see her this morning, and she had come early to have some time alone, near the park. If she didn’t hurry now, though, she’d be late. She opened the glass doors and walked into the building, thinking of the other times she had been inside Jay’s office. From her first day here as a frightened and uncertain new hire to the awful time when she had nearly lost the part of Cassella in shame to the glorious moment when she had been offered a chance to reprise the role on Broadway. Too many highs and lows in such a short time here in Ashland.
But Arden had been a steady, glowing light the entire time. She had supported Emilie without question, whether Emilie was walking away from her or toward her. She had filled in the blank spaces in Emilie’s life, those voids where friends and love and playfulness had deserted her. She made Emilie feel whole, and the sense of completeness had given her the strength to face her stage fright, to face her emo
tions both in person and as the characters she played.
Emilie stopped and leaned against the wall, framed by black-and-white prints from an early production of Hamlet. She had started to believe that the emotional turbulence in her life was the spark that fired her performances, but maybe she was wrong. She had always been fiery and a little chaotic. Until Arden came into her life.
Arden helped her channel her passion. Into love, into her career, and into her enjoyment of life. She had been just as good as Cassella when she was happy because she and Arden were together as she had been when wracked with grief because they weren’t. Arden didn’t try to keep Emilie from acting, and she wasn’t the cause of Emilie’s success, but she absolutely was the reason for the moments of peace and fulfillment Emilie had felt here in Ashland. Could she act as well without Arden in her life? Emilie knew the answer was yes, but it also wasn’t the most important question to ask. Did she want to live without Arden, no matter how successful she was in her career?
No.
She continued toward the office, still lost in thought. At least she didn’t have to deal with a case of nerves as she walked down this hallway. She was finally sure of herself onstage and knew he wasn’t going to fire her or threaten to replace her.
She knocked on his open door.
“Good morning, Emilie. Come in.” He gestured her forward and she sat in the seat across the desk from him. He leaned his elbows on the wooden surface and propped his chin on his hands.
After a long pause, he gave her a grin. “You’ve only been here a few months, and I’ve seen you in this office more times than anyone else in the cast.”
Emilie laughed. “I never claimed to be boring.”
He shook his head. “You’re anything but.” He tapped his fingers on a slim folder that was on the desk in front of him. “I’m going to be honest with you, here, Emilie. You’ve been offered an amazing chance to take Skywriting to the highest level, and maybe you’d be foolish to pass up the opportunity. But we want to keep you here.”
He held up a hand as if she was protesting, even though she hadn’t said a word. He continued with his spiel. “I know we’re not Broadway, but we have an internationally acclaimed production company with exciting new scripts and opportunities coming in every season. You have come so far in a short time—just think where you’ll be after another season or two here, playing a huge variety of roles and working with several directors every year.”
He held up the folder. “Before you say no, look at the parts we want you to play next season. This is wonderful stuff, Emilie.”
He tossed the folder across the table, and she caught it and set it in front of her, unopened.
He sighed and shook his head. “I had a feeling I wouldn’t be able to convince you to stay. You’re going to have a brilliant career, Emilie. I wish you nothing but the very best.”
She stood. “I’m staying, Jay. It doesn’t matter what parts you’ve offered. As soon as you have the contract ready, I’ll sign it.”
She walked out before he had a chance to say anything more and hurried to the bench outside before her knees gave way and dropped her to the ground. She was trembling, but from excitement rather than regret. She had no idea if she had just made the best move for her career or the worst. She loved being part of the ensemble and playing more than one role each week, and she believed Jay when he said she would really grow here. But Broadway? Who would believe that she gave up the chance to be part of the sensation that Skywriting surely would be?
She laughed. She believed it. The future was as uncertain as it had been when she first auditioned here last year. She didn’t know what parts she was going to play, onstage and in Arden’s life. Arden might not want her back because Emilie still couldn’t promise to stay here forever, but Emilie was going to do whatever it took to convince Arden to give her a chance. She’d be here another year, so she had plenty of time to try.
She wanted to rush to the park and find Arden, but she was still shaking. She walked, instead, heading downtown and wandering aimlessly through the business district surrounding the theaters. The euphoria of making a choice was beginning to dissipate, and she was trying to think back to the time just after she had agreed to go to Europe with Leah. Before everything had fallen apart. Had she felt this same sense of rightness back then? Was she repeating a mistake because she was afraid to push herself to take a chance on Broadway?
She was lost in memories and nearly jumped off the curb when she was startled by a sharp rap against the glass next to her. She looked inside the ice cream shop and saw Rebecca waving at her and gesturing for her to come inside. Emilie wasn’t sure she would be good company right now, but Rebecca would probably know how Arden was doing. Emilie went inside and inhaled the heavy scent of vanilla from the homemade waffle cones.
Rebecca met her at the door with a hug. “How have you been?” she asked, with a look of concern on her face. She must know about what had happened between her and Arden if she looked this worried. Emilie wondered if Arden was getting the same mother-hen treatment.
“I’m great,” Emilie said with a big grin that felt phony even from the inside. “Well, good. Okay. How are you?”
She had been about to ask about Arden, but it didn’t seem polite to jump directly to her and skip over Rebecca.
“Can’t complain. This weather has been beautiful, hasn’t it? Kind of makes you want to get outside and do some gardening.”
“Really? I guess so.” Emilie had more interest in watching Arden work in the park than in actually doing it herself. She pictured her there, bent over one of her plants and coaxing it to grow and flourish. Wearing those jeans with the small rip just under the back pocket so Emilie could see—Rebecca’s voice registered in her mind even though she had no idea what words she had said. “What? I’m sorry. I was thinking about…gardening.”
“I asked if you wanted something to drink or some ice cream. Their lattes are pretty good.”
“I’ll get something and join you,” Emilie said. Something cold that she could drop inside the front of her shirt to cool herself down the next time she started to picture Arden like that.
She ordered a chocolate mint chip milkshake and joined Rebecca in her booth. She looked across the diner at the table where she and Arden had sat together, weeks ago.
“How is Arden?” She finally gave in and let herself ask the question.
“She’s great,” Rebecca said with a bright smile. “Well, good. Okay.”
Emilie laughed as her words were parroted back to her. At least she knew Arden was missing her, too.
“Congratulations, by the way. I heard you were offered a chance to go to New York. That’s amazing.” Rebecca toyed with a small wooden stirrer, tapping it against the side of her paper coffee cup. “I mean, it’s amazing if you like working indoors all the time. I’ve heard it’s healthier to work outside, though. With plants and things.”
Emilie frowned. “Thank you. Are you talking about Arden still?”
“No,” Rebecca said with a shrug. “I just read an article about career changes and thought I’d share. If you’re interested in staying around here and exploring alternatives.”
Emilie opened her mouth to tell Rebecca that she had accepted Jay’s offer, but she closed it again. Arden would be the first to know. “Staying here has its advantages,” she said instead. “But maybe it’s best to follow a career, not emotions. I did that once before, leaving everything of mine to chase after someone else. I was miserable.”
Rebecca smiled at her. “Choosing to follow the wrong person is a bad thing. Following the right person is what love is all about. Compromise. Sometimes sacrifices, as long as they work both ways.”
Emilie took a drink of her milkshake, and the icy liquid chilled her throat as she swallowed. Leah had never offered to make sacrifices for her. Arden would, as surely as Emilie would make them for her. But would they both be unhappy then? Or would they both feel fulfilled and inspired by the other?
> “I would never try to tell you what to do…” Rebecca paused and gave her a guilty grin. “Well, I probably would. But I will say this—if you try to work things out with Arden, I’ll be thrilled and will consider you to be like a sister to me. If you don’t, then at least you can know that Marty and I will be here for her. You’re not leaving her all alone.” She paused and shrugged. “I’ll have to talk smack about you for Arden’s sake, but I won’t mean all of the bad things I’ll say.”
“Just some of them?” Emilie asked with a laugh. She tried to remember if she had ever had a friend like Rebecca, but she couldn’t think of many people that she had let get very close. Until Arden. “Thank you for telling me. I’d never want her to be sad or alone.”
Rebecca took a drink of her coffee. “Say, I was reading a different article the other day. This one was talking about the classes people can take if they want to work in landscaping. I’ll bet you’ll find this fascinating.”
Emilie listened while Rebecca inexplicably continued to talk about gardening. She zoned out for most of it and let her mind wander back to Arden. It never stayed away from her for long. She had made a sacrifice for Arden by taking the festival job for the following year. Even though it was probably the smart choice for her career and the one she would find most satisfying on a personal level, she still knew without a doubt that she never would have turned down the opportunity to go to New York if Arden hadn’t been a factor.
Did she expect Arden to make a sacrifice for her now, or to owe her somehow? No, although there would come a time when Arden would be the one making a choice to come with Emilie or to stay here without her. Emilie let the image of the future, with its give and take, soften in her mind until it took on the qualities of a dance. Moving back and forth, highlighting one then the other. It wouldn’t be the easiest life, but it had a sense of promise and hope to it. Togetherness. Working for each other, not for themselves.
