All My Life

by Rucy Ban

  Mom lies down next to me and we both stare at the ceiling in complete silence.

  “Boys are like candy,” she suddenly says.

  I grin. “Really, Mom? That’s your advice? Boys are like candy. What is that? Forrest Gump on teens?”

  She clucks her tongue. “Hear me out, eager child.”

  “Boys are like candy, you don’t swallow it too quickly, you don’t chew it. You taste it, test it, so if you don’t like it you can spit it right out. You don’t want to take in any of those wingnuts inside your body. Not unless it’s worth it.”

  And there she goes again with her ‘your body is a temple’ convent-school drivel.

  “But. If you do like it,” Mom says and pauses for effect. I turn to look at her and we lock eyes. “You dig your teeth right in, chew the heck out and swallow the pulp. Leave nothing behind.” Then she bounces off the bed and leaves me lying there, shocked and awed.

  “Christ!” I mumble to my empty room. At least now I know where I get my psychosis from.

  Chapter Seven

  The next day a girl comes and sits right beside me in my Economics class. I’ve never seen her before but I can’t be sure. I haven’t really paid that much attention to my collegiate classmates in the last few months.

  The girl’s got long blonde hair with an elongated sharp edge on one side and the blackest black eyes.

  “Hey, are you wearing So Low Pants?” she whispers to me when Mr. Toledo turns his back to us.

  I wonder if she’s right. Mom has been shopping for me lately. I think she thinks of it as thrifty therapy sessions. I decide to go along with it. “Umm…I think so.”

  “Wow. You must be loaded! That’s some expensive shit!”

  “Nah. It’s just my Mom trying to live vicariously through me.”

  “Gecko! You got one of those too?”

  We break up as Mr. Toledo resumes his lecture and in the next twenty minutes I realize the other girl’s as copious a note-taker as I am. When the class ends, she extends her long, slender fingers towards me. Then I realize she’s holding a post-it in them.

  “That’s my number and e-mail. I’m Tatiana.”

  I take the post-it and shelve it inside my book. “Thanks! I’m Kari.”

  “Mail me your schedule and I’ll swap mine. I think I’ve seen you in two of my other classes as well. We can hang out sometime or maybe form a support group?” Tatiana face breaks out in a grin. “Daughters against shopaholic mothers?”

  I chuckle and nod my head. “Sounds like a plan.”

  We wave our goodbyes and part ways. In the afternoon, I realize that we do share History and Math.

  Tatiana sits right next to me in both the classes. Who knows? Maybe I’ve finally managed to befriend someone after Ian and Becky? I completely lost touch with them after school. Truthfully speaking, even before that. And just today morning, I’d gotten up to a fresh reminder about why. A text message from Eddie. C U Friday.

  Maybe he was checking whether there’d been any truth to my last outburst.

  Feeling disappointed that he didn’t really believe my threat and also pathetically relieved that he hadn’t done anything about it, I had been a twisted knot of emotions till I’d met Tatiana today.

  Now walking back to the shop, I feel another anxiety creeping up my back. How will I face Neil after that kiss last night? After he drove around the block and dove right into Ms. Stiletto’s panties?

  As I open the door, Nalini greets me a bright and cheery welcome. “Hey slut!”

  I glare her a warning and head over to the coffee machine. But there’s no shirking her off. She comes right behind me.

  “Saw you getting all hot and heavy with the boss’ son last night? Any achy body parts I should know about?”

  “Nalini!”

  “What?! Don’t go coy on me now. I want all the details. Frequency, props, kinks and junk. Spill it!”

  I stand there with my mouth open, trying to blank out the pornographic images she’s painted in my mind. Nalini looks at me for a second, then her shoulders slump and she hangs her head. “You didn’t do it!”

  “No!”

  “Not even a kiss?!” she asks in dismay and I immediately avert my eyes to the steaming cup of coffee in my hand.

  “Aha! Tongue, nibbling, petting, caressing? Spill it!”

  I smile at her sweetly and with my lips sealed, walk out to the shop floor.

  “Alright minx, be that way. I’m not spilling anything either. And trust me, with Josiah and I there’s a lot of spilling involved.”

  Putting my cup down, I hold my hands over my ears. “Christ! Just stop it! I don’t want to hear about it!”

  The stairwell door swings open and Neil walks right in. He stops in his tracks as he sees me covering my ears. Then that damning slow smile of his covers his face and it’s like my face isn’t even in my control anymore. It involuntarily breaks into a wide grin. He starts walking towards me and I realize I’m still standing there covering my ears. I put my hands down hastily just as he comes to stand right in front of me. Close. Too Close.

  Will he try to act like last night never happened? Will he just gloss over the fact that he left to get second helpings? My heart goes defensive. Maybe he was just going for a ride? An errand? Or maybe I’ll end up with a broken heart. That and a sex tape. Great accomplishments so far, Kari! I close my eyes, cringing at that horrible thought.

  “What’s wrong?!” I hear him ask.

  I open my eyes and take a deep breath. Then I answer him in a chirpy voice, “Oh! Nothing at all!”

  But Neil doesn’t buy it. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” he asks and then walks off outside the shop.

  “Lovers spat?” Nalini quips brightly as I grudgingly follow Neil’s tracks. I fix her with a stink-eye as I step out.

  Neil’s leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets and a big frown on his face. My eyes trail his movements as he lifts one hand and rubs the back of his neck. I stare at dark stubble shadowing his cheeks, the cleft on his chin and the rest of his deliciously rugged unkemptness.

  “So, what changed?” he says without looking up.

  I snap right back to reality. “You mean what changed after you left to visit Ms. Stiletto?” I retort without thinking. The words just fly out of my mouth.

  He raises his eyes to look at me. “Ms. Stiletto?!”

  Oh, okay. If he’s going to be like that. I could spell it out for him, right and proper. “The one you were having the full on lurve action with, against that very wall,” I say, pointing to the brick wall across the street. Neil stares at me for a second and then…bursts out laughing! WTF?!

  “You’re cute!” he says, shaking his head. Okay, that was totally not the response I was looking for. I clench my teeth and turn to walk away when he grabs my hand.

  “Hang on. Let me explain. That day? That girl? She’s my childhood buddy.”

  I smirk at him. “Really? And do you jump all your childhood friends or is she precious?”

  Neil shakes his head again and places his hands on my shoulders. Then he grins and I feel an intense need to just knee him in his privates. That cute cleft on his chin notwithstanding.

  “We were doing a lipdub for our studio!” he says and then raises his eyebrows at me, as if he’s just outed the greatest secret in the world. When he doesn’t get a reaction, he frowns. “You do know what that is?”

  “Of course, I do! But that involves a whole bunch of people. And let’s not forget, people actually trying to sync to a song and not trying to eat each other’s face!”

  “There were other people down the street. Didn’t you see her running off to complete the rest of the song?”

  I frown, trying to recollect any such thing. To be honest he could be right. I’d been too embarrassed that day about prying into someone’s private moment and I remember turning away, right after he’d pulled off from her. After that, she could have been beamed up into space and I would’ve missed it.

&n
bsp; I bite my lips and reply hesitantly, “I don’t know.”

  “Of course, you don’t,” he says and that sets me off again.

  “I am not naive!” Then something sick uncoils in my stomach. “At least…not anymore,” I finish on a whisper and then clench my eyes shut. The nerves in my head are throbbing and it feels like they’re about to explode. I realize I haven’t eaten anything since yesterday’s sandwich just as my knees give way and the darkness under my eyelids turns into a mass of swirling black tunnels.

  A sharp bright light suddenly seeps in through the darkness and I raise my hand to shield myself from it. I hear someone calling my name. “Kari?” I look to my right and focus on the face peering back at me. Neil? Why does he look so worried? And why am I lying down? Christ! Did I just faint?! I sit upright and wince as that sudden movement swings, what seems to be, a brick lodged inside my skull.

  “Easy, Kari,” I hear Neil say as I look around trying to find my bearings. Then I look at him crouched right next to me. There’s that damnable concern written all over his face again. My heart melts. He’s good people. Too good for me to be dumping my crappy baggage all over him.

  “I’m okay,” I mumble and try to get up but Neil stops me with his hand on my elbow.

  “No, you’re not,” he says sternly. “Sit right here. Nalini is getting some water for you. Have you eaten anything since last night?”

  I shake my head and his jaw visibly clenches. “Dinner?” he asks.

  I shake my head again and he exhales deeply.

  Nalini comes rushing towards me, bearing a glass of water in her hands. After I gulp it down, I face the stern glares being thrown in my direction. Then a wayward thought enters my head. “Hey, deja vu!” I quip.

  Both Nalini and Neil give me blank looks, probably wondering whether they need to call the loony bin. Did Nalini just edge towards the phone or is it just my imagination? I try my best to explain, “Remember, we had this exact same situation? When I drank that shit-scalding coffee and you got me water?” But Nalini doesn’t get it and keeps looking at me like my brain is mashed. Then she turns to Neil.

  “Maybe her body was so starved, it ate up her brain,” she tells Neil who puts a finger on his lips and gives me a thoughtful look.

  “Possible. Even so, I’ll get her a BLT. If nothing else, we’ll get a new rendition of a foodgasm out of her,” he says and then turns to leave the shop.

  While Nalini snickers, I glare at Neil’s retreating figure. The over-considerate sarcastic…asshat!

  The door shuts and Nalini comes to sit beside me. “I hope you haven’t been storked up,” she says.

  I gasp. “Christ! Nalini! Stop saying such things!”

  “If you promise to stop stripping him every time you look at him.”

  “I do NOT!”

  Nalini shrugs. “Heck! It’s okay by me. Specially, since he seems to be returning the favor. Maybe you guys should just find a room and get all these come-hump-me looks over with.”

  Before I can respond, the door opens. Probably our first customer for the day. No. It’s just Josiah.

  “Baby,” he says happily as his eyes rest on Nalini and she doesn’t waste a moment in jumping and mounting him. They kiss with abandon. Like there’s no one else watching, no one else left in the world. It’s just him, her and their lips. It’s a beautiful thing to experience. A painful thing to watch.

  When he finally puts her down on the floor, his face is flushed with elation and satisfaction. I think of doing the whole gagging thing but then I realize it would be pointless to tease them. Their love is just too real, too natural to be mocked. I also realize that I’ve never felt so alone in my entire goddamn life. My life sucks.

  “Ah! My competition’s here too!” Josiah says as he finally notices me.

  Nalini shakes her head, making her short hair bounce and swing. “Oh no. Not anymore. She’s got the hots for someone else now. Traitor!”

  Josiah perks up his eyebrows. “Really?”

  The door swings open again and Neil appears with a big brown bag. Christ! This guy.

  I see Nalini nudging Josiah and nodding towards Neil. Josiah’s face scrunches up as he assesses my supposed new love-interest.

  Neil extends his hand to him. “Hey, man. Heard you last night. You guys were awesome.”

  Josiah’s face immediately lights up. “Thanks. Coming from you it means a lot. Nalini here hasn’t shut up about you and your dance moves.” Then he casts an obvious glance in my direction. “Seems like you rocked someone’s boat last night.”

  “Jesus Christ!” I spring up from the couch and point my finger at Josiah. “It’s bad enough that your girlfriend throws her dirty double talk at me all the time. Now you too?!”

  Josiah scratches his ear and looks at me sheepishly while Neil chuckles. When I shift my eyes to glare at him, he straightens his face and quips, “I’m all on your side, Angel.”

  My face reddens at his public use of that endearment. Nalini looks at me and her mouth forms a silent awww. I try to put on my best pissed off expression but one look at Neil’s face and I know I’m going to fail miserably. Damn that wicked, gorgeous smile.

  I hear Josiah clearing his throat. “I think we’ll head out for a bit,” he says.

  Nalini nods her head vigorously and before leaving gives me a not-so-subtle wink. Jheesuz!

  After they’ve left, Neil bunks next to me on the couch and drops the brown bag in my lap.

  “You didn’t have to do this,” I say.

  “Next time you remember to feed yourself…I won’t have to. Now just open it, Kari.”

  I open the bag and find two packets inside. I pick up the bigger one and find a delicious BLT tucked inside a disposable. Heavens be praised!

  “I owe you,” I tell him with feeling.

  “Yeah, you do,” he replies in a gruff voice. I ignore the tingles his gravelly tone sends up my spine and instead start to plunder through my sandwich, trying very little to tone down my gusto. After sniggering at my enthusiasm, Neil slides down the couch and closes his eyes. A few minutes later, his breathing gets steady. I should feel miffed that he chooses to snooze rather than witness my gastronomic gusto. But I don’t. I’m much to busy chowing down the last few bits.

  Once I’m done, I start to get curious about the other package. I reach inside the bag and look at the paper bag. It’s from a drugstore. Weird.

  My curiosity heightened, I pry it open and peer inside. Oh mother of God! Why did he? Was I? Did he see? Ohmygawd. I jump off from the couch and head over to the bathroom. I quickly shut the door and just practice even breathing for a few seconds. This is beyond embarrassing. This is kill-me-quick-right-now. This is…mortifyingly humiliating.

  I place the pack of tampons on the sink and with trembling hands undo the buttons of my jeans. Then I glower at the tell-tale patch that has dared to leak through and given me the most disgraceful moment of my life. After I plug the thing in, I think of how I’m going to walk out and face Neil. Oh why do I have these awful things happening to me right when he’s around?

  I slowly open the bathroom door and peer out. My eyes go straight to the couch and rest on Neil’s prostate form. He’s still napping. Yes! Thank you God! I quietly walk across to the coat hanger, put on my coat and walk out of the shop. Then I all but run to my house, dash into my room and replace my sodden pair of jeans and panties for fresh ones.

  When I get back to the shop, I find Neil busy talking to a girl. A walk-in?

  “You can choose something from the design sheets if you haven’t made up your mind.” Then he nods at me. “This is Kari. She’s the one.”

  I still as I hear the last sentence because even though it sounds completely casual, the look in his eyes is anything but.

  “Oh, awesome! The one with the magic swirl!” the girl gushes as she turns towards me. Strawberry blonde, glossy lips, designer clothes and over-exposed boobs swing smack in my face. “Awesome!” she shrieks again and swings back towards Nei
l. Bitch.

  “I’m still bummed that you’re not the one doin’ it,” she says in a sugary baby-voice that makes my skin crawl.

  Aww. Triple trollopy…bitch.

  God! What’s wrong with me? He’s not mine to fight over. Stupid infantile behavior.

  “I already have a design in my mind. Where do we begin?!” the bosomy blonde asks while still directing her questions to Neil.

  She did realize I’ll be the one with the needle? Just a few inches deeper and…Christ! My professionalism just rotted away into gooey green grunge.

  “Right here.” Neil walks the girl over to the bed-table and I get busy preparing my tools.

  When he starts to go back to the counter the girl reaches out and clasps his hand. “Hey, would you mind if you held my hand through this.” She flutters her fake lashes and pouts her coated lips. “I’m a little scared.” This tramp cannot be believed! Bitch, let go of his hand!

  I watch as Neil pulls his hand away and smiles gently. “You have no reason to worry. Kari is the best there is.” Then he walks away to the counter. Seriously. I could so kiss him right now!

  “So the design I want is a heart with a crossbow in it. You know, like the cupid thing with the red heart and a golden crossbow,” she rattles off, all in one breath.

  “You mean a heart with an arrow through it?” I ask.

  She gives me a blank look. “That’s what I said. Why? Too hard?” The for you is right there, very clearly implied in her tone.

  God. Is she for real? I smile politely at her. “Not at all. Let’s get started. This will sting a bit, okay?”

  Without waiting for her response I plug in the machine and start my work. It barely takes an hour and once I’m done, her brain-numbing moans and whimpers stop as well. At first, I thought she was really feeling the pain. The swell of the breast is a painful place to get a tattoo but then I realized every time Neil was walking by or close enough, her moans got louder and her whimpers more suggestive. Then I really wished I could have given her a reason to moan about!

  After fawning over Neil while paying the bill, she finally leaves and I let out a deep sigh of relief. Some people have their own hell to deal with. Others? They make one especially for you.