All My Life

by Rucy Ban

  He holds me to himself and I’m too overtaken by the depth of the moment to wonder about the meaning behind his words. Words he’d said once before.

  I hold onto him, my arms wrapped around his neck so tight that it must hurt him. But maybe we’re both beyond caring. It’s like we can’t get close enough. I clench my legs around his and his hands move to my behind, lifting me up, wrapping me around him. I don’t even realize when we start kissing but when I come up for breath, for the first time in my life I feel really scared. Scared of having something in my life that is so perfect. Terrified of having it taken away from me.

  How can you fall in love with someone you didn’t even know a few days back? How can you love them so much that the thought of leaving them, even for a few minutes, makes you hurt? Actually physically hurt.

  “Oh! Fuck!” Someone shrieks and I jerk away from Neil. I turn my head towards the door and see Nalini standing there with a shocked expression on her face. Jesus! This is becoming old! Will people please stop interrupting the few good moments in my miserable sodden life?! Then I look around and realize where we are. Oh my God! Anybody could have seen us through the window display! And I’m still perched on top of the shop counter! What is wrong with me?! I unwrap my legs from around Neil and he grips my waist, letting my feet land gently on the floor.

  “You guys cannot be left alone for even a second!” Nalini says as shakes her head and walks over to the coffee machine. “Just go on and do it already!” she exclaims dramatically, throwing her hands up in the air.

  My cheeks heat up and Neil chuckles. “How about it, Angel?” he says under his breath and I can feel the warmth in my body spreading across all the way, everywhere.

  How can everything be so normal? I just told him I have a sex video out there which could go public anytime! How could he still be looking at me this way?!

  “Oh freeze it and bag it for the bedroom, guys!” Nalini shouts as she comes out of the kitchenette. “Josiah and I have the world rights for OTT PDA. Don’t try and steal our thunder.”

  When she catches our mystified expressions, she elaborates, “Over-the-top public display of affection? Jeez!” She shakes her head and slumps in front of the laptop.

  Neil and I look at each other and break into peals of laughter. All the drama that we’ve been through in the last hour leaks away into our mirth. Trust Nalini to turn the most intense moments into something hysterical. I thank her in my heart for lightening up the mood and then mellow down as I hear Neil laughing. Just watching him laugh with his beautiful eyes lighting up, his handsome face looking all ruddy, sexy. Just watching laugh like that and my heart feels full and happy. Then all of a sudden Neil bends his head and his lips brush over my ear. “If you keep looking at me like that, we will need a room,” he says.

  I blush and Neil kisses my forehead. “I’ll be back,” he says before letting me go. Then he walks across the shop floor and disappears through the stairwell door.

  I walk across to the counter in a blissful haze, as a conviction settles deep in my heart. It’s not over yet. No. It’s only just begun.

  I’m still daydreaming when Nalini speaks up, “What exactly is wrong with Agnas?”

  My haze clears up immediately. “What do you mean?” I ask.

  Nalini frowns. “In the morning when you weren’t here, Agnas came down for a scheduled client and told him to book it again for when you’re here in the evenings. She asked me to do that for all her other appointments as well.”

  I look at Nalini in shock. “Why would she do that?!”

  “And not just that. She looked tired…worn out. I didn’t ask her coz I didn’t wanna intrude but something is definitely very, very wrong.”

  I purse my lips and wonder. Since I’ve started working here, I’ve seen Agnas treat her shop like her baby. Now for almost a week, I haven’t even seen her on the shop floor. And shifting all her clients to me? What was that all about? Then I remember Neil’s exact words from before. Finding you at this point in my life…you’ve saved me. What did he mean?

  Neil comes down an hour before closing time. He opens the stairwell door and I immediately notice the change in him. The carefree happiness is all gone. He looks wrung out and spent. Forgetting Nalini’s presence, I rush over to him and as he opens his arms, I sink into his embrace.

  “I have to talk to you,” he whispers in my hair. It sounds ominous but I nod. We wear our coats and head out to the street. Just as I step outside, I share a worried look with Nalini.

  The November air outside is chilly and I hold Neil’s hands in mine to keep them warm. “She’s sick,” he says simply as we lean against the brick wall. “She’s really sick,” he repeats and then shuts his eyes. The anguish on his face is so stark, it stabs me straight in my heart. I rub his hands helplessly and draw him to myself. I rub his back, kiss the salt on the scruff of his cheeks, the bridge of his nose. But nothing I do can take away his pain. I have never felt so utterly helpless. Not even when I found out about my parents’ divorce. Not when I found out about the video. Never.

  At least now I know what love is all about. Boundless joy, unending longing and a fuckload of heartache.

  “You have to believe she’ll get better,” I whisper in his ears. “You have to believe it for her.”

  He pulls away and looks straight in my eyes, “She’s got AIDS, Kari. She’s never getting better.”

  I suck in a breath at his statement and bite my lip to stop myself from exclaiming. AIDS?! Jesus.

  I try hard to sound hopeful. “Nothing is hard enough to beat, Neil. You have to be optimistic.” The consolation sounds fake, even to my own ears.

  Eyes flashing, he snaps, “Optimistic? She runs a fucking tattoo shop. Do you have any idea how many people will come in once they find out the owner has AIDS?” He gives an ugly laugh. “Let me answer that for you. Z-e-r-o.”

  His shoulders slump and my heart falters at hearing him sound so bitter, so broken.

  With his head bent, Neil continues, “Thing is I don’t give a damn about the shop. But she does. This has been her dream and it will crush her if it closes. My Mom? When she was seventeen, she met a guy, ran away with him, got knocked up and had me. The asshole bailed on her. Her folks didn’t help her out so she brought me up all on her own. This…” he waves a hand at the shop, “…is what she’s worked for all her life.” Then he clasps his hands over his head, a wry smile playing on his lips. “Right now, the only thing that’s bothering her is not that she’s going to die. It’s that she’ll live to see her dream gutted and shut down! How fucked up is that?!”

  “Then we’ll just have to make sure it doesn’t,” I say quietly and his eyes snap up to mine. “We’ll hire another tattoo artist for the day and I’ll take over the evenings. Your mother doesn’t have to deal with the customers so we won’t be breaking any rules or putting anyone at risk. We’ll all be extra careful with hygiene and the needles. There’s no reason to think business will be affected.”

  “And who’ll run it?” he asks quietly.

  “You will,” I say promptly and then waver. “Won’t you?”

  There is a pause in which he looks at me with an expression I can’t quite fathom. Wonder. Amazement. Confusion?

  My heart skips a beat. “When you were talking about Ms. Stiletto…your friend…you said something about opening a dance studio? Is that…is that back in Chicago?”

  Even as I stutter, a determined expression settles across his face. “It was going to be but not anymore,” he says.

  I shake my head. “You can’t give up on your dream!”

  “Angel, my dreams are right here with me. One standing right here in front and the other upstairs, worried sick about what’s going to happen to her baby. I can’t let go of either of them.”

  My face crumples as I rush to him and we stand there, holding each other.

  “It’s going to be all right,” I mutter after some time because that’s exactly how I feel. No matter how messed up our lives m
ay be right now, as long his heart keeps beating next to mine, we’ll both get through.

  “Just so you know, I’m clear,” he says suddenly and I look up at him in confusion. “I got myself checked as soon as I heard about it. I don’t have it.”

  “I wasn’t worried.” Actually, I hadn’t even thought about it.

  After a few minutes, he pulls away and says, “She got it through an injection needle.”

  My body stills as he continues, “Last year, she went for a week traveling across Africa. She fell sick. They went to a local clinic…” his voice trails off and I shudder at the thought. We stand there for some more time, each of us mellowing in our own thoughts. Me wondering how a few minutes had changed both our lives. Agnas’s and mine. One minute, it was all perfect. Friends, boy crushes, movie nights, giggles and guffaws. The next, it was all snatched away from us. Our lives matured and soured in a matter of minutes.

  Chapter Nine

  It’s evening and Nalini has already left for the day after giving me countless curious looks, all of which I refused to acknowledge. It hurts me to hide things from her but it’s not my secret to tell.

  “So two things we have to do now?” Neil says and I stop nuzzling his neck to look up at him. We’re sitting on the couch after having closed down the shop about twenty minutes ago. Then Neil went upstairs to check up on Agnas who’d already had her dinner and turned in for the night. The treatment drugs she’s taking make her drowsy all the time, Neil told me.

  Ideally, I should also head back home and wait for Mom but the thought of leaving Neil after all that we’ve shared, seems torturous.

  “One, put up an ad for hiring a tattoo artist and two, go across to the police station tomorrow to file a formal complaint.”

  My whole body stiffens and Neil bends his head to whisper in my ears, “Angel.” His hand rubs soothing circles on my back and I gradually relax into his touch. “Okay,” I say softly and he murmurs in my ear, “Beautiful, brave girl.”

  I smack his shoulder. “Stop being so nice!”

  His lips move to my ear and he nibbles at it playfully. “You want me to be bad?” The raspy edge in his voice makes my stomach clench. Maybe it shows on my face, because he says, “I think my Angel likes me bad.” I have a witty retort right on the tip of my tongue but it’s completely forgotten as he nips and bites my ear in a way that makes my heart pound and my breath heavy. Then I turn my face to his and our lips crush against each other. His tongue dives into my mouth and a moan escapes me at the sensation that rocks through my body. One minute I’m sitting, the next I’m splayed across the couch with Neil on top. Leaning his weight on his forearms he pauses, his lips breathing right over mine. My head moves up eager to cover the distance but he pulls back further. He’s teasing me again and the impatience makes me growl. Actually audibly growl. I feel him smile against my lips and then he relents. When he finally pulls in my lower lip, the wet heat of his mouth shoots a bolt of lust through my entire body. Then he sucks, nibbles, licks and does wonderful things to my entire mouth. Oh, holy Mother of God! It feels like he’s making love to it. It’s the kind of kiss that could be patented, branded and sold to eager clamoring hands.

  My body feels like it’s burning up and when he tugs at the hem of my shirt, a sigh of relief escapes me. I help him pull my shirt up and over my head. Then he helps my quivering fingers unbutton his shirt until finally, we’re both skin-to-skin. He braces himself above me and my hands accustom themselves to his strong chest, his broad shoulders and his hard biceps. Breathless, I look up at him and find him gazing at me with a wonder that my deep-seated insecurity finds hard to believe. Then he does this thing. His fingers start moving on my face, tracing outlines. They trail along my eyebrows, the ridge of my nose, the apple of my cheeks and the line of my jaw. His touch is like feather but his eyes…they blaze and just like that, without saying a single word, he makes me believe.

  Then his head dips and he places a soft, deliberate kiss on the swell of my breast. And at that moment, I swear, I can actually feel each and every doubt I’ve ever had melt under the heat of his reverence. My hands move from his shoulders to his hair and I watch his eyes fire up. His lips crush mine again and his tongue slides into my mouth for another deep, thorough kiss.

  My hands grip his hair as his start travelling and kneading my body. My hips, my waist, my breasts, wherever he touches, he leaves a trail of scorched inhibitions behind. It’s like my body has been craving to be held like this. I feel completely and totally helpless. Completely and totally…helpless. Something shifts in my mind. A flash of an unwelcome memory and suddenly I feel Neil’s body go absolutely still above mine. Then he pulls away and places a palm on my cheek. The hunger in his eyes from a moment ago is all gone. Now, all that fills them is concern. Damn.

  “Angel, it’s too soon,” he murmurs softly. I bite my lip and don’t say anything. I wish he was wrong. But then it might always be too soon because right now, it feels like I’ll never be able to forget that evening. It has scarred me forever.

  “Don’t go to that place,” Neil says firmly and my eyes snap up to his. “It could be tomorrow, it could be another month, a year. But get this, once you’ve had a taste of me, you won’t be able to say no again,” he finishes with a cocky grin and I stare at him for a few seconds. Then I smack his shoulder in response. This guy. This guy. How does he manage to turn my mind around like this?

  I narrow my eyes at him. “Well, it won’t be happening tomorrow and at least not until two more days,” I blurt out in my eagerness to give a rebuttal and then go crimson as Neil raises an eyebrow at me. I avert my eyes and blabber on, “I mean it takes me three days for my periods. So today and then two more and then I’m…good to go.”

  As I talk, I see Neil nipping his lips to stop himself from grinning. When I finish, he says with a thoughtful expression, “Hmmm, that’s strange, Biology always told me four days was the average. I guess if three is what it takes for you, we’re very lucky to have one extra day every month.”

  I purse my lips and squeeze my eyes shut with embarrassment. “Ugggh. This is the most un-sexy conversation anyone has ever had in the history of the universe, in this position. Could you just excuse me while I go and have a little cry in the bathroom?”

  I peek open an eye and find a wide grin on Neil’s face. When I scowl at him, he bends to whisper in my ear, “Talking of positions…”

  I wiggle my arms between us and push at his chest. Chuckling, he leans back and puts his hands up in surrender. Then he picks up my shirt from the floor and offers it to me, making me distressingly aware of the fact that I’m sitting there, just in my plain white bra and jeans. I put my shirt back on hurriedly while Neil wears his at a much more leisurely pace.

  We get dressed and then after Neil’s locked up the shop, he walks me right across to my house. The air outside is chilly but I don’t feel its bite. Having a warm hand to hold will do that to you. Sharing a moment that re-defines your life, a look that says a million words, a kiss that shoots your oblivion to hell or just the most unbelievably hot make-out session of your entire suckass life, will also do that to you.

  We stand in a tight embrace in front of my door, both of us unwilling to let go.

  “I miss you,” Neil whispers in my ear and I snuggle into his body. Too close. But not close enough.

  He leans in and his hands move to my neck, pressing me closer still. Then his tongue plunders my mouth and the heat ignites again. Only one thought keeps me from dragging him in. Mom.

  When we finally break apart, panting and heaving, Neil touches his forehead to mine and whispers, “What are you doing to me?” My heart swells with joy. Me? Good ol’ me? Really?

  He places a soft kiss on my forehead and then crosses the street. Once he’s in front of the shop’s side-door, he glances back. I wave at him, waiting for him to go inside. After a few seconds, I realize he’s doing the same. Neil points to the door of my house and nods his head towards it. I let out an irrita
ted breath and then throw my arms in the air. As I shut the door, I give one last glance his way. He’s still standing there…watching. When I wave at him he turns his fist in the air. What? I hold the door open and scrunch my face at him. He repeats the rotating fist action. I shake my head. I still don’t get it.

  In a booming voice, he shouts from across the street, “Lock the door!” Jeez! Okay. I hold my fist up and shake it at him. In response, he slides his hand under his jacket and starts thumping out the beat of his heart.

  I grin as I walk towards my room and I’m still smiling twenty minutes later, when Mom finds me lying on my bed staring at the ceiling.

  “Why do you look so happy?” Mom’s voice is slow and suspicious.

  “I loooove my job,” I announce dreamily.

  There is silence for a few seconds and then she says, “No one smiles like that because of job satisfaction, sweetie.” Then she flops down right next to me. “You do know that getting involved with one’s boss is usually frowned upon in professional circles?” she asks.

  “It’s not my boss. It’s her son. Huge difference.”

  “Certainly is. In the first case, you’d be gay. In the second, you’re just loosening your morals a bit.”

  “M-o-m!”

  After a pause she gives me another one of her poignant one-liners. “The thing about falling for the hot bad guy is…it’s a hell of a ride going up but an incredible low coming down.”

  “Neil’s not a bad guy, Mom. He just looks like one. It’s like he has the mystery but…not the deceit.”

  “Looks like Nine Inch Nails but sings like Michael Bolton?”