All My Life

by Rucy Ban

  Neil walks over to sit by my side and I lift his arm to snuggle into his chest. I do a face-plant, take a deep breath and then bend my neck to gaze up at him. “Have I ever told you…you smell really nice?”

  His lips twitch as he replies, “No, I think not.”

  “Well, you absolutely do! It’s like lemon and leather. Plus your delectable lickable sweat.” I raise my head and wiggle my nose on the soft black curls of his chest. “Ummm…yummy.” I’m about to dart my tongue out when Neil suddenly shoots up and hops off the bed.

  “What happened?!” I mutter in shock.

  “Angel, you’re killing me here.”

  I tilt my head to one side. “I am?”

  He nods his head and then quickly gives me a peck on the forehead. “I think you should go to sleep now.”

  “But what about my story?!”

  “I’ll read it to you in the morning.”

  I pout my lips. “Promise?”

  “Oh, trust me. There will be a lot of story-telling happening tomorrow.”

  I give-in grudgingly. “O-kay.”

  As he’s tucking me in, I wind my arms around his neck and give him a surprise wet kiss on his lips. Satisfied, I slump back on the bed and sigh happily. I don’t know why but I see his entire body do a deep shudder and his jaw visibly clenches. Any-who! I don’t even hear him leave the room as I feel my eyelids go unbearably heavy and I slip away into the dreamless sleep of the drunk.

  Aggh! My head! It’s about to break into a million pieces and I just can’t seem to concentrate enough to take down any notes. Maybe I should’ve taken the morning off but I couldn’t have skipped this Economics class. It’s kinda crucial if I don’t want to tank my grades. And anyways, when I woke up this morning Neil hadn’t even been there!

  I had woken up to loud snoring and had followed the noise to my Mom’s bedroom. Ah! She was back. Thank God, she hadn’t been around to watch me get drunk. I’d tried lots of times to educate Mom about college life and all the associative perks that came along with being an adult, but you just can’t reason with the jittery mother of a seventeen-year-old girl who can’t hold her alcohol. Especially since even one glass is usually enough to make me suffer a migraine the next day. And according to the text message I’d gotten from Neil that morning, I’d had two glasses of wine yesterday. As Mom would say, it’s penance time.

  I clutch my head in misery as a renewed stab of pain lashes through my cranium.

  “Have you had the magic pill?”

  I turn to Tatiana and wince as even that slight movement causes my brain to revolt. “What?” I ask.

  “Magic pill? Alka Seltzer?”

  I scrunch up my face. “No.”

  “Well, you’re in luck!” She digs out a strip of white tablets from her bag. I waste no time in glugging one of those pearlies down with my Gatorade.

  Half an hour later, as the class finishes I realize I do feel a lot better. My head is still throbbing but at least it’s not crippling me like before. I give Tatiana a thankful smile as we walk out of our class. “It seems to be working,” I tell her.

  “It always does. Lots of water, a ton of sleep and you’ll be as good as new!” she quips.

  I take her advice a bit too seriously and nap through the next two classes and on the subway ride back as well. But thank God for that, because as soon as I enter the shop, I see Nalini buzzing away with her machine on a client’s navel. And surprise, surprise, the noise doesn’t blow my brains out.

  “Hey! Wassup?” Nalini shouts without shifting her focus.

  “All good! It’s cloudy out there! You think it’ll rain?” I ask.

  “Hopefully not. Emma here has been praying for a clear starlit night,” Nalini tells me.

  I wave to the girl lying on the bed table. She raises her chin and we exchange smiles. She’s around my age and looks like a completely normal person. Normal as in untreated hair, no visible inks on her body, dressed in a tee and jeans. Totally zero street cred.

  “And why is that?” I ask the girl.

  Emma shakes her head. “Oh nothing. Just a date night with my boyfriend.”

  “Only she thinks he’s going to propose,” Nalini adds with her head still bent down.

  “Wow! Huge,” I grin at Emma who’s now chewing on her lip.

  “I don’t know for sure. I’m just hoping he will.” She points to her navel. “This is for him.”

  I stare at her in confusion. “You mean you didn’t want this piercing?”

  “Oh! I did. I just never had the guts for it.”

  “So what changed?”

  She hesitates and I rush to ease her. “Oh never mind. I’m just being terribly nosy.”

  “Oh! No…no…it’s just that…I know he likes this stuff and I thought I’d gift it to him.”

  “Isn’t that’s the sweetest thing ever?!” Nalini says as she stands back and snaps off her gloves. I nod while looking appreciatively at Emma’s belly button. Even though I’m still icked out by the whole piercing thing, I have to admit this navel ring thing does look nice. Maybe some day…?

  Emma rushes to examine herself in the mirror. “Oh my God! It’s awesome and it didn’t even hurt that much!”

  I exchange a grin with Nalini. Emma looks like she had walked in expecting Saw and got Sixth Sense instead.

  As she settles her payment, I head over to get my usual coffee fix wondering if Emma will get what she’s hoping for. A starlit night and a marriage proposal. Not too much to ask, is it?

  I plonk myself back on the counter. My 5 pm client will be arriving any minute now.

  “Has Neil been around?” I ask Nalini and she shakes her head.

  “Not since the afternoon. He was busy interviewing a dude for the mornings.”

  “Really? Already?”

  “Yeah, I know. Dude looked decent though. Inked some nice samplers. I guess it bodes well that Neil went out for lunch with him.”

  “He did?” I ask, feeling secretly happy that my morning substitute is not a girl. How petty and shallow! Still. Thank God.

  “That girl is so lucky,” Nalini utters with a deep sigh as she stacks all her tools back.

  “Who?”

  “Emma,” Nalini says with a wishful look on her face.

  “Hmm. You planning on getting another one for Josiah?” I ask her. For a person who has this as her profession, Nalini has very few piercings of her own. Ears, eyebrow, nose and navel. Well, it’s few compared to some of her clients.

  “Babe, he’s the one who’s gonna be getting it. Right after I propose to him.”

  “You’re gonna propose to him?!”

  “Yup. Next month on his birthday.”

  “Wow. That’s so cool!” I exclaim and Nalini grins.

  “Do you wanna get one?” she asks suddenly and my face must look horror-struck because she immediately back-tracks. “Just checking that’s all! You do know that navel piercing is almost completely painless?”

  She dumps the folder with different shots of navel piercings right in front of me and then ambles off to the bathroom.

  After staring at the folder for a few seconds, I finally flip it open. Looking through a few shots, I have to admit it does look like a sexy thing to have. Maybe someday sooner…

  The door dings and my scheduled client arrives. She had been one of Agnas’s but now I have been given the blessed task of inking a tramp stamp above her behind. Why anyone would want their name there is something I’m almost too afraid to ask.

  As I’m inking the tattoo, my thoughts drift to Agnas. She hasn’t been down on the floor since the past few days. Even though Neil had mentioned yesterday about her girls night out, I really want to see her, check on whether she’s doing okay. After all, Agnas is the one who took a chance on me when I thought I’d become invisible. She’s the one who had noticed my talent when I’d thought myself clueless.

  So after my client leaves I tread up the stairs, feeling a bit cautious about how she might react. The last time I saw
Agnas in her room, she had driven both Neil and me out with her death glares. I hope this visit turns out a little better.

  I give a tentative knock and a feeble voice answers from inside. Opening the door, I walk into the living room and discover that it looks very different from my earlier visit. Because, one, Agnas is lying washed out on the pristine leather couch and second, there’s a big puddle of puke on the floor right next to her. I rush to her, carefully side-stepping the mess.

  “Agnas! What happened? Do you want me to call the doctor?”

  She shakes her head weakly. “Won’t…do any good. He said this would happen. I’m so sorry…sorry you had to see this.”

  I take her hand in mine. “Oh please, I’m in college. I’ve seen puke fests galore!” I catch her eyes and grin. She grants me a thin smile. Then I stand up and do what my Mom always does when someone’s sick in the house. Order them around.

  “You stay here and don’t move a muscle.”

  Agnas closes her eyes and sinks further into the couch. “I couldn’t…even if I tried.”

  I rush into her bedroom and get her a blanket. Then I rush to the kitchen and give her a glass of water. As she starts sipping, I gather the necessary resources for cleaning up the mess. A few minutes of mad scrambling across the kitchen, the small balcony and the bathrooms finally yields gloves, mop, bucket and a disinfectant. By the time I head out to the living room, Agnas is already fast asleep on the couch.

  I wait for a few seconds to check if her chest is heaving. Satisfied with her even breaths, I scrunch up my nose and get down to cleaning the stinky stuff. And the only thing I can say is, thank God for hardwood floors! I don’t even want to think about having to clean this off a carpet.

  Once I’m done cleaning, I scrub my hands and scrounge through the refrigerator for something edible. Two limp carrots, three scaly tomatoes and a small weary-looking cabbage. Minestrone it is.

  Half an hour later, just as I’m pouring out the soup, I hear a knock on the front door. I tread softly and open the door to find Nalini standing there with a frown on her face.

  “Everything okay?” she whispers.

  I nod and reply in a hushed tone. “Agnas needed some help with dinner. She’s not feeling too bright.”

  Understanding clears her face and Nalini hands over the shop’s keys to me.

  “You want help?” she asks.

  I shake my head. “I’m done. I’ll just give this soup to her and then head home myself.”

  “Okay. I’m off then babe, see you tomorrow.”

  After Nalini leaves, I take the soup and some crackers to the living room and keep them on a side-table. Then I give a gentle nudge to Agnas’s shoulder.

  Rousing up from her slumber she looks at me with weary eyes. As the disorientation leaves her, a startled expression crosses her face.

  “Care for some soup and crackers?” I ask her gently.

  Agnas blinks at me for a few seconds and then awareness slides across her face. “Kari? Soup? You made soup for me?!”

  I nod in the affirmative and she smiles. “You didn’t have to do that! You already had to clean…” She closes her eyes and sighs deeply. “I’m so, so sorry!”

  “Hey, you don’t have to be. No biggie.”

  She gives a flat laugh, her face still filled with remorse. I rush to change the subject. “So how about it? Soup?”

  She looks at the steaming bowl placed on the table and nods slowly. “Thanks. I’ll just go to the bathroom and brush my teeth first.”

  As she slowly trudges across to the bathroom, I clean up the dishes I’d used to make the minestrone. It’s late and Mom will be worried. So, just as Agnas steps out, I tell her I have to get going. As I’m leaving, she hugs me tight and whispers a thank you in my ear.

  In spite of the day I’ve had, I walk home feeling not the least bit tired. The small perks of a selfless good deed.

  But as soon as I enter the living room, all my bliss fizzles out because Mom is sitting on the couch wearing her blue kitten pajamas and an ugly scowl.

  “Kari…”

  I break off her reprimand. “Agnas is not well, Mom.”

  The scowl immediately clears. “Not well? What happened?”

  I wonder if I should tell her everything. Neil has trusted me with this. Should I share it with Mom? The pause becomes long enough to be filled with static, so I don’t think, I just rush to fill it. “She’s got AIDS!”

  Mom’s mouth pops open and she flops back on the couch as if the air just got kicked out of her lungs. “AIDS?” she whispers.

  I nod my head and she gives me a sharp look. “How?”

  “From a local clinic in Africa. She fell sick on vacation.”

  Mom closes her eyes and shakes her head. “Unbelievable.” A beat later she opens her eyes and asks, “Is it an early stage? How much time…?” Her voice trails off but I get her unspoken question.

  “Not much. She didn’t look too good today.”

  “How can I help?”

  I see the earnestness in my Mom’s eyes and I realize that’s what I love the most about my Mom. She may not like Agnas’s job or even her person but knowing now that she’s sick…she’ll bend over backwards to help her out. Pure solid gold. My Mom.

  I give her a fond smile. “By being yourself.” Then I sit next to her and put my head in her lap. We stay like that for a long time.

  Chapter Twelve

  I turn listlessly on my bed. It’s almost midnight but the voice just won’t go away. ‘Lie still now…yes, fuckin awesome.’ Bile rushes up my throat. Gagging, I jump off from my bed and rush to the bathroom. The filth inside me is itching to come out.

  I just about make it in time. After throwing up noisily into the pot, I crouch next to the sink with my head in my hands.

  I’d thought it was all over. That it was behind me now. I’d thought the nightmares would stop. Oh! God. This shit will never be over, will it? Every time I come close to Neil, it’ll surface again. I’ll never be clean again. The thought tortures me and I break down, muffling my sobs with my shoulder.

  My phone beeps from the bed. I flush the toilet, blow out the snot flowing from my nose and then walk to my bed, feeling like a very old woman. A text message is blinking on my phone. From Neil.

  Wld u believe if I tld u sumthin?

  I’m not in the mood for cryptic messages so I just type.

  Wht?

  His reply is prompt. That I’m d luckiest person alive?

  Yah! Right! I type feeling weary and jaded. & y wld that be?

  I’ve got an angel lookin over me.

  I smirk. Maybe he’s just talking about the soup I made. Men like that sort of thing. Women slaving, slogging over them. My Dad was the same. I type. Is this d minestrone talkin?

  Nah…It’s just…

  What?! Just…what?! What could he possibly say that would make this night any less crappy? I look down on the phone. Nothing but despair in my heart. I’m gripping the phone so tight my fingers have turned white. Another beep and the screen flashes again.

  Just that I…really, really love you.

  My eyes start burning and the lump in my throat is so hard it’s almost painful to swallow. I drag in a lungful of air and let it out with a big whoosh. The feeling that washes over me…is completely indescribable. Completely incredible.

  As a little girl your mind is filled with snow white, dwarfs, wizards, then you grow up and you realize you’ve got it all wrong. Life’s the dead opposite of a fairy tale. It’s at that time that you need to believe…in something magical. You need to hope there is something out there more fascinating than the dreary mess of your life. Maybe that’s why I like reading fantasy novels so much. The world in there is so much more interesting than mine.

  I look at the message again. Memorizing each and every word, every comma, every turn of the letter. Because for the first time in my life, the reality seemed way better than fiction.

  My phone beeps again.

  Hope u din’t
skimp on dinner? Dnt make me climb into ur bdroom…

  Oh! This…this boy! He is a tormenting mix of contradictions. Sweet, attentive on one hand. Bossy on the other. Jesus! I am getting in over my head.

  Plateful of lasagna, bowlful of salad & half a tub of ice cream. Does tht meet ur approval?

  A few seconds too long and he replies.

  Jesus! Has food become free?

  I grin as I type. No jerk. My appetite’s jst come bck with a bang. Then I write. Hv 2 yrs to make up for.

  I get a one word reply. Babe.

  After a few seconds. Another one. Gunight. Sleep.

  I type before thinking. & sweet dreams? I really need those.

  His reply is instantaneous. Havin trouble sleepin?

  I drown in remorse. No. Nothin like that. Just sayin.

  Okay. Sweet dreams then.

  2u2. And…I love you too.

  Wish I cld be next to u right this minute.

  U r. : )

  : ) Goodnight, Angel.

  Goodnight, sweetheart.

  Babe.

  I push the phone under my pillow and plop my head on it. A wide grin intact on my face. It’s like I can’t stop smiling. I try to scowl, to frown, to mope but the smile keeps winning. Maybe they’ll get me for this. The guys up there deciding my fate. I imagine how I’ll look to them. A girl lying on her too hard bed, in her tiny room in a suburbia home in a crammed city, concrete continent, the bluest blue planet in a nondescript galaxy far, far away. They might be very busy those guys. But being this happy? It’s like sending out a beacon to the blight of fate. I shudder and close my eyes. Then something snaps inside me. Something that is tired of being afraid. The resolve strengthens and I decide not to cave in to the fear. I decide not to let go of this feeling. Instead, I open my eyes and tell myself to remember. To remember this moment that I’ll always dredge out from my memories. That will forever keep me warm. This moment when I feel so light, if I tried I could actually fly away. I won’t drown this moment. I’ll let it soar.

  I drift off with the smile still intact on my face.