All My Life

by Rucy Ban

  Morning comes but somehow, waking up doesn’t feel like such an unnecessary torment. I’d like nothing else but to scamper off to the shop to meet Neil but I can’t afford to miss college today. My finals are just weeks away and there is an important refresher class today. I whistle incessantly all through my morning routine, even as I walk into the kitchen.

  “Good morning, Mom!”

  I collect my share of the scrambled eggs and toast, and then I realize Mom is just standing there looking out of the kitchen window, a pensive look on her face. Immediately, all the cheerfulness is sucked right out of me.

  “Mom? What is it?!”

  She doesn’t say anything for some time and her silence worries me. I keep my breakfast plate back on the island and walk up to her. “What is it, Mom?”

  She sighs deeply and then looks straight into my eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  My body jolts. “Told you what?” I whisper.

  “About what happened to you, Kari. Why didn’t you tell me?! You thought I’d get angry? That I’d blame you? Judge you? Or did you think I couldn’t handle it?”

  I squeeze my eyes shut and turn my back to her. “I just thought…I thought it’ll be over and then I wouldn’t need to bother you.”

  “Oh! baby…I’m your mother! You’re not my bother…nothing you tell me could ever be a bother.” I feel her arms go around me and her chest collides with my back. She grips me tight and whispers in my ear. “You’re my baby girl. Nothing in this world is more important or more special than you are.”

  The current I’m holding inside breaks and we’re both swept in it.

  Almost an hour later, after I’ve spilled out everything to Mom, we finally manage to get down to having our breakfast. Around a mouth full of scrambled eggs, I ask her, “Who told you?”

  “I got a call from the police station. They want you to give them a call. They need to speak to you about your complaint.”

  My spine snaps to attention. “What else is left to say? I told them everything.”

  “They said there are some formalities you need to complete.”

  I immediately get up and head over to the land line. I hadn’t even remembered giving out the land line number in the police report! Why hadn’t they called me on my cellphone?

  “Kari, finish your breakfast first!”

  “I need to get this over with, Mom.”

  I dial the number and ask for officer Browne. After a long wait, he finally comes on the line.

  “Officer Browne? This is Kari. I got a call? About some formalities left for me to complete?”

  And then he tells me. That they paid a visit to Eddie’s home yesterday. The apartment where he had taken me is apparently just one of the many properties his father owns across lower Manhattan. His father who is…a senator.

  My heart thuds in my chest as he goes on. Every word more devastating than the other. He tells me Eddie has lawyered up. He will now fight against the charges in court. This is now going to go to the court! A public court.

  Oh. God.

  The rest of the morning passes in a daze. Tatiana keeps asking me what’s wrong. I have nothing to tell her. No excuses. No evasions. I have nothing left in me to put up any pretenses.

  I ignore Neil’s messages and calls as well. I feel so tired. Of people. Their concern. Their questions. Their vile. Just so fucking tired.

  After college, instead of going straight to the shop, I head home. Just as I’m about to put my keys in the door, I hear the voices coming from inside. Dad! Oh. Dear. God. Mom told him. Now how will I ever face him?

  I turn to walk away when I hear his voice shouting, “You are the reason she’s turned out like this! You’ve filled her brain with rubbish! Congratulations Agnas, you’ve turned your daughter into a slut!”

  Pain cuts through my heart, slicing it clean. I turn around and rush to cross the street.

  “Hey, Pippi! Howz you?!” Nalini’s voice greets me as I enter the shop. One look at my face and she immediately walks up to me, placing her hands on my shoulder. “Babe? You okay?” My face crumples and she envelops me in a hug. Then for the third time in a week, I recount the whole nightmare. For a whole year, I kept it a secret and now it’s like I can’t stop. A dam has been broken and the waves just keep rolling in.

  “All you need is a kick-ass lawyer,” Nalini says when I’m finished.

  I look at her with bleary eyes. “What?”

  “A lawyer. Someone smart who can fight your battle in court.”

  I shake my head dejectedly. “We can’t afford that. Mom doesn’t have much of her own money. And from what I just heard, I don’t think my Dad is going to help.”

  “You don’t have to worry about that! I can get one for you.”

  My head snaps up. What?! “How?!”

  Nalini shakes her head. “My Dad! That’s how! He is a criminal lawyer. Haven’t you heard of Q. Qureshi?”

  I nod my head slowly. The name did seem familiar. Then I remember. Something on the internet about him defending a celebrity. The actor had been accused of shooting a trespasser but Mr. Qureshi had helped him evade jail.

  “My Dad’s got a whole firm. I can line them up for you, girl! No sweat!”

  I gaze at her incredulously. She’s not kidding. She really means it. Nalini is Q. Qureshi’s daughter? Who would have known?! First Neil, now Nalini! I feel like such a butt head. I’ve had my blinkers on so tight that I completely missed all the rich and famous people I’ve been working with!

  Nalini smiles at me and wipes away my tears. “Life just dealt you a blow, Kari. Now you have to fight back. If you sit still for too long, it’ll just keep punching you in the gut.”

  “Nalini…I don’t know how to thank you,” I tell her honestly.

  “Then don’t. Now, much as I love to say this…let’s get our asses back to work!”

  She hops off and continues with her filing work. But before I get on with my work, I check my phone. There are 15 missed calls and 8 unread messages. “Where’s Neil?” I immediately ask Nalini.

  “He didn’t tell you? Agnas had to go for a check-up. He’s with her. They left just before you came.”

  “Oh!”

  “Does…he know?” Nalini asks me softly.

  I nod my head in the affirmative and Nalini gives me a wide smile. “I always knew the panty-melter wouldn’t let us down.”

  I roll my eyes as she sniggers, bringing some much-needed normality back into my life.

  I type a long overdue reply to Neil’s messages.

  Sorry cldnt reply earlier. ur Mom ok?

  A minute later and my phone beeps. Just tests. Where were u in mornin?

  Oh God, he’s pissed! I punch in my reply. Prep classes.

  Thankfully, he buys the excuse. Okay. See ya later?

  Ok : )

  I will tell him everything! But just not now. He has enough on his plate already.

  I have just two clients for the evening. One slotted, one walk-in. Both want butterflies. The trending metaphoric emblem of womankind.

  After we’ve wrapped up, Nalini and I part ways but not before she tells me that she’s already called her father and fixed a meeting for me for next week. God but I have the bestest friends.

  Now, I’m lying on my bed buried under my soft quilt and just as I shut my eyes allowing myself to drift, my phone beeps.

  Goodnight, Angel.

  My fingers can’t type fast enough. Goodnight, sweetheart.

  Then I place the glowing screen of my cellphone right on top of my heart and go to sleep.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Just as I’m crossing the street, I notice a dark tinted Hummer parked right next to my house. The hair on my nape prickles and I immediately turn around. I walk back quickly to the shop intending to call my mother or Neil for support when someone blocks my way. I look up and there he is. The cocky grin intact on that stupid face. I have so much hate surging inside me that I’m sure if I had a gun I would have used it on him. And
not just once.

  “Curiouser and curiouser. First you snag that football star…then you go to the police?” An ugly scowl replaces his mocking smile. “What the fuck, bitch? What do you think is going to happen? People sympathizing with a girl who willingly slept with a guy?” My breath hitches as he takes a step forward and his face contorts with rage. “You watch what I do to you now! You just watch!” He turns around to go and that’s when I decide to speak up.

  “What happened Eddie?” The quietness in my voice makes him pause mid-step. But he doesn’t turn around. And even though I know I shouldn’t be provoking him like this, I can’t stop myself. There comes a point in your life when you just have to hit back. Because if you don’t, you know you’ll lose an essential part of yourself.

  “Tell me. Did your mother overindulge you? Did your father not pay attention to you when you were a little boy? Did he shove your mother around? Hit you? Tell me because I need to understand. I need to know what made you this way. Tell me, Eddie. Tell me what happened.”

  I see him squaring his shoulders just before he turns. His face is deceivingly calm but the vein throbbing in his temple says it all. I brace myself for what’s to come but just as he lifts his fist, a staccato siren blast shakes us both out of our stand-off. I follow Eddie’s gaze to see a police car doing its rounds on our street. I snap my eyes back and find him looking at me with a hatred so intense it’s almost tangible.

  “Monday,” he threatens and then walks off. I watch him cross the road, walk down to his SUV and then drive off with his tires peeling the tar.

  I drag in a shuddering breath and then make myself walk back home. Mom’s not in but I’m used to her unpredictable routine. Maybe she had to rush back to office after her meeting with Dad? I squeeze my eyes shut at that unwelcome memory. Walking straight into my room, I collapse on the bed. My body feels like it has gone through a wringer and I don’t even realize when my eyes close.

  I don’t have a single nightmare that night. Far from it. Strangely, all my dreams that night revolve around my impending date with Neil. My first official date with him. I dream about the dress I’m going to wear, the places we’ll go, the ways in which he’ll touch me, the things I’ll say in his ear. I’m beginning to like this falling in love thing.

  The next day passes uneventfully and all too soon, it’s evening and I’m rushing through my room trying to get ready because Neil is waiting right outside on his bike. And going by the three texts I’ve received in the last five minutes, he’s getting really impatient.

  Well, I can’t help it! Mom just won’t hang up! She’s on location somewhere in the city and is insisting on me wearing that hideous monstrosity again!

  “Mom! Please!”

  “Baby, you need to wear the brown coat. It’s freezing outside. I should know! My butt’s frozen solid out here!”

  “Mom! Trust me, I’m all about self-preservation. I’ll put on a jacket, okay?”

  “Kari! Any minute now and my voice will freeze into tiny icicles before it reaches you. It’s that cold! WEAR THE COAT!”

  “Jeez…okay! Fine! Can I hang up now?”

  “Yes.”

  “B-y-e Mom.”

  “Bye baby….and Kari?”

  “Yes, Mom?”

  Her voice goes softer. “Take care, baby.”

  “I will, Mom. Don’t worry.”

  Reluctantly, I put on the hideous brown coat and give one last look in the mirror. Soft lips, moisturized cheeks and brooding eyes. Hidden under the coat, I have on my skinny jeans and an off-the shoulder blouse. Perfect for a first date.

  I don’t know where Neil’s taking me but I know I’m not the least bit nervous. Anywhere is a good place to be when he’s with me. Without so much as a second thought, I head out, lock the door and hop on his purring bike.

  “Ready?” Neil twists around and his eyes assess me from behind his visor. I give him a confident thumbs up and don my helmet. And then we’re off.

  Neil cuts through the motley traffic on choked roads, skilfully dodges all the rush-hour snarls and as we glide onto the highway, he finally hits the pedal. The bike roars to its full potential and then…I forget everything because I am completely overwhelmed by the feeling that comes over me.

  This feeling of unbelievable wonder as the wind slips under my skin, waking up each and every pore in my body, turning me into a rebellious cloud, one that’s so fed up of floating in the blue sky that it shoots up into the universe. Finally breaking free of the stratosphere and marching straight into the oblivion.

  Meditation on wheels. That’s what I am busy doing all through the one hour ride. Truth be told, I wouldn’t have minded if we’d just driven around for the entire night. But we do stop and as I get off the bike I realize we’re standing in a park outlined by a high brick wall surrounding its entire perimeter. Then I notice a giant white screen attached to one end of the wall and at a little distance from the screen…a downy blanket is spread out on the ground with a giant gas heater looming right over it. Then I get it.

  A drive-in theater! I swivel around and notice the name painted on the giant steel gate through which we’d come in. First Things. What a beautiful name for a drive-in!

  “Like it?”

  I turn towards his voice. Neil’s standing near the blanket with his arms folded across his chest. A beautiful smile playing on his lips. I sprint across and fling my arms around his neck. “Like it?! I love it!! How did you know?!”

  “Know what?”

  “That I’ve always wanted to go to a drive-in?! I didn’t even know there was one so close by!”

  “Well, it’s not exactly close by. It took us an hour…on my motorcycle.”

  I look around us and as I do, I realize something. There’s absolutely no one else around! And I mean no one. No ticket collector, no guard, just an empty vacant walled-in park, a huge screen, blanket, heater and…us.

  I pull away and look at him warily. “Where’s everyone?”

  “Everyone?”

  “The ticket collector…guard…people?!”

  “People? Why would we need other people barging in on our date night? And the ticket collector and the guard? Me and…me. And you can also add owner to that list of credentials.”

  “Owner?!”

  “Yup. I bought it two days back.”

  “You bought it two days back?!”

  “Yes.”

  “Yes?!”

  “Why do you keep repeating whatever I say?”

  “Because you keep saying crazy things!”

  He shakes his head, smiling softly. “Babe.”

  I give him my pointer. “Don’t babe me! What possessed you to buy this…this huge land?! ”

  “Actually, I’m planning on using this site for my studio.”

  “Really?! Wow. This must’ve cost a truckload of money!”

  “Yeah. Especially since I had them put up that huge-ass security gate at the entrance. But the thing with money? It feels good spending it…on the right things…the right people.”

  I scrunch my face and narrow my eyes at him. “Me being ‘the right people’?”

  He reaches out and holds my hand, a wicked smile playing on his lips. “You being the best goddamn people!” A sharp tug on my hand and he pulls me in. Our faces come so close I can feel his breath warming my cheek. Sighing contentedly, I rest my face on his shoulders. The sweetness of his gesture has undone me and as inconspicuously as I can, I try to brush away the tears blurring my eyes.

  “No tears, Angel,” he murmurs softly.

  But of course. Nothing escapes him. I straighten my head and look up at him, feeling all pouty. His eyes gaze into mine then move to my lips and I watch as the passion in them flares into a raging desire. We meet half-way. His hot lips crushing mine with a need so stark it sends a sharp electric wave through my entire body. There’s no sweet and soft in this kiss. It’s a fierce demand that impels you to rise and meet it.

  As I cling and wrap myself around him, I realize
something in my mind. He calls me an Angel. But it’s he who has been my savior. When my world felt damned he brought me back, gave me hope, made me burn, made me feel so beautifully, insanely…alive.

  God! But I love him! Desperate to feel his skin on my hands I pull out his shirt and dive under, grazing the hot skin of his chest, his neck, his thick hair. All the while, I’m intensely aware of his hands as they brush the skin above my jeans, rub the curve of my waist, squeeze the flare of my hips. My whole body is bursting into flames and all I can think of is…more. I want more. So much more.

  My eager fingers reach for the zipper on his jacket, then the buttons on his shirt and all the while our lips keep busy. Kissing, nipping, making love, all on their own. Still it’s not enough. Not even close.

  A breath of happy relief escapes me as he removes my coat, reaches for my top buttons and flicks my shirt off in one swift move. Then his lips move down on my neck, to the swell of my breast, while his hand moves up to cup it from below. And then all my sense of control is lost as the most incredible sensations rock my body. The throb of need flashing through my body is so intense it’s almost painful. Any second now and I’ll lose my fucking mind. But he doesn’t rush it. He takes his time. I feel him slipping off the straps from my shoulders and then taking off the cups molded to my breasts. Feeling my skin pucker, I open my eyes and find him staring at my breasts. I wouldn’t have believed the reverence in his eyes, if I hadn’t seen it reflected so clearly.

  With a low grunt, he bends his head and pulls in a nipple in his hot mouth. Oh dear lord. “Oh!” My whole body goes limp with relief. While he was hard and insistent before, he is soft and indulgent now. Then with every lick, every nibble he slowly pushes my body into a taut urgent frenzy. I arch my back and lean into his care, my mind too overwhelmed with all the unfamiliar sensations rocking through my body, to worry about stupid things like modesty.

  Desperate for more, I tug on his jacket collar, trying to pull him down with me towards the ground. Neil relents and we end up in a heap on the blanket. But he doesn’t stop. The pull of his hot mouth on my nipples is relentless and driving me out of my mind. Writhing and making loud unpronounceable noises, it almost feels like I’m having an out-of-body experience. Then all of a sudden his mouth leaves me and I feel a gentle waft of cool air chafe at my sensitive nipples. Feeling bereft I open my eyes and bring my head up to watch.