by Nikki Landis
“Nah, I’ve got it.”
More looks were tossed my way. Snooki handed it over as Rael shook his head. I ignored his dumbass and headed back down the hall. Shadow immediately took the tray as soon as I was close enough.
“Tell her I’ll text later. Got some club shit to do.”
“Yes, sir.”
Spinning on my heel, I went back to the kitchen and made my own plate, meeting Rael for chow.
“Give me five damn minutes to get food in my stomach.”
He gave me one of his dark grins, sitting back as he sipped coffee. His plate was already empty. “No need to get your panties twisted. Just want to know what’s going on with you and Trixie.”
“Don’t fucking call her that,” I growled, shoveling eggs and toast down my gullet.
Rael barked out a laugh. “Fine. What’s going on with you and Naomi?”
“Why?” I asked, pausing to gulp down a little coffee.
“Nylah is protective over her sister. You know that. Won’t stop jabberin’ about how Naomi is in your room and askin’ what that means. Fuck if I know. I ain’t your goddamn babysitter. Beat your meat however you want, or go fuck one of the club girls but make sure you do it away from Naomi.”
I shot him a glare. “You think I’m stupid? I should kick your ass for sayin’ that shit to me, you fucker.”
Rael shrugged. “Gotta keep my ol’ lady happy, brother.”
“Bullshit. You’re a nosy asshole.”
His loud laughter echoed across the room. “Fuck if that ain’t true.”
Wraith and Ex joined us at our table.
“What you fuckers gossipin’ about so early?” Wraith asked, piling eggs and sausage onto a slice of toast, and folding it in half before taking a huge bite.
Ex wasn’t eating. “Already got what I wanted this morning.” He grinned wide, leaning over to Rael. “My breath smell like Becca’s pussy?”
Rael shoved him, nearly choking on his coffee. “Fuck off with that shit.”
“What? Your ol’ lady pinchin’ her thighs together?”
Rael swung as Exorcist ducked, chuckling as he barely missed a direct hit to the jaw.
“Nylah keeps me more than satisfied. Piss off.”
Shaking my head, I finished my breakfast and shoved the plate aside. I was taking another sip of coffee when Ex started in on me next.
“What you doin’ with Trixie?”
“Her. Name. Is. Naomi,” I corrected with a growl, enunciating each word on its own. “Fuckers need to start remembering that.”
Ex held up his hands. “It’s usually only Rael on his period around here.”
Rael’s punch didn’t miss this time, cracking him on the jaw as Exorcist’s head was tilted back by the force of the blow.
He took it in stride, testing his jaw as his mouth opened and closed. “Guess I should take that for the one I gave you last week.”
“Damn straight,” Rael agreed.
“I’m not discussin’ Mimi. If there’s something in the future worth knowin’, I’ll tell you.”
All three of my brothers managed to hold back laughter, but I could still see their stupid grins.
“Fuck you all,” I snapped, pushing back from the table.
They were still joking about that shit when I left for a quick ride. Needed some smokes and a clear head. All this talk of Mimi was starting to get on my damn nerves. Why did everyone always want to get in the middle of my shit?
The prospect Toad opened the gate for me as I rode out, already in a better mood the second my knees were in the breeze.
“Coming,” I announced as I finished brushing out my hair, heading toward the door to Patriot’s room. Someone had knocked twice but I didn’t get there fast enough the first time.
“Hi,” I answered once it was open, staring at one of the younger guys who I knew was a prospect. Patriot explained they were basically like an apprentice with a sponsor. They wore a patch and learned about the club’s code, conduct, etc. but weren’t real members until they patched in.
“Hey, Naomi. Mr. Dixon said I should bring you breakfast.” He lifted the tray a little and then ticked his head toward the door.
“Sure, uh,” I began, moving out of the way. “What’s your name again?”
“Shadow.” He flashed a small smile but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Where do you want the tray?”
“The table over there,” I pointed, showing him the only available space not cluttered in the room.
Patriot wasn’t messy but he certainly had plenty of stuff in his room. There were two large dressers and both had his personal belongings on top. I’d been given two of the drawers in one to do with as I pleased as well as a large section of his closet. No one could say he wasn’t generous. I shared the bathroom and already had my own stuff spread out over the counter and a couple of drawers in there too.
The table and chairs were always kept clean. Patriot usually hung his cut over the back of one at night before bed. He was a man who observed time with a strict adherence. I’d only been here about a month but I could already see that he followed military time and a routine that never wavered unless he had something to do for the club.
As Shadow sent the tray down my phone began ringing and I swiped across the screen as I caught Nylah’s name.
“I’m awake and alive,” I joked.
“Jesus. It didn’t even ring.”
“Did on my end.”
“So freaky when that happens.”
I snorted, amused by her tone. There were so many things freakier in this world. “I guess. How’s work?”
“Two staff called off. I’ve got twice the number of patients this morning and I’m craving a bagel with cream cheese. Need more coffee too.”
“I can’t really help you there. I don’t even drive.”
“Well, you could let me help you with that.”
“Maybe.” I wasn’t all that interested in learning. Honestly, I didn’t see the big deal. If I needed something, the prospects or Patriot got it for me.
“The offer stands. You might change your mind someday.”
Not likely.
“Did you text devil man? He would probably give you whatever you want.”
“I don’t have time for a quickie in one of the lounges.”
Laughing, I was sure she wasn’t kidding. “Then why did you call?”
“I just wanted to hear your voice.” There was a pause and I thought I heard her sniffle. “Kind of scared me when you wouldn’t wake up. I don’t want to go through that again.”
This was where I was supposed to assure her that I was fine. No easy task. Who knew what the future held? Not only that but I wasn’t sure that I was safe enough with the Royal Bastards MC at the Crossroads. Were the Russians still out there? Was it possible they could forget about me and what Patriot and the rest of the club did to Alexi and his uncle Solonik?
Probably still had a target painted on my back.
“Hey, at least it was less drama, right?” Trying to laugh it off, I kept my tone light.
“Don’t say that. I love you, Mimi. I always want you around.”
At least she did. My parents cut ties a long time ago.
“I know. Love you too, sis. Gotta go. My breakfast is getting cold.”
“See ya tonight!”
After she hung up, I flopped down into one of the chairs, pushing the tray away. Didn’t have much of an appetite. Rarely did. Mostly I just had residual tremors, headaches, and tingling from the addiction to drugs my body was still recovering from. Sometimes I broke out into a sweat for no reason. My temperature fluctuated and I’d be freezing one minute and then hot as fuck the next.
Sucked big time.
The only good thing that came out of the coma was that I was no longer suffering as badly with the effects of withdrawal. I also healed up quite a bit more in several areas. My arm didn’t burn as much but it still hurt. Down below I seemed to be going back to normal. Still didn’t want to see the s
cars left behind from all the abuse and trauma.
Sighing, my elbows landed on the table and my head fell into my hands. I should feel less antsy and more adjusted since I was brought here. I didn’t. Patriot helped quite a bit and when he was around, I relaxed as far as I was able but when he was gone, I felt like I was going to burst through my skin and paranoia kept trying to snatch away any happiness I tried to grasp.
Remembering my conversation from this morning, I groaned. Did I really ask him if he wanted female companionship? He seemed amused by my question but adamant that I stay in his room. The whole situation was way out of my league. I wasn’t used to a guy wanting me in his bed for anything other than sex and I certainly never met a guy who genuinely cared about my feelings or needs.
Was I holding him back? What if he wanted to go fuck one of those club girls? Or what if he needed to beat off and there wasn’t privacy? A guy like him was virile and horny most of the time. He was attractive, smart, and the way he looked in jeans and leather, damn, I would be a fool not to notice.
But where did that leave me? I didn’t know my own body anymore. I didn’t have a clue how to read what I desired above pleasing a guy and making him cum. I’d been conditioned for a man’s pleasure. My entire existence was made up of survival from one minute to the next. Staying under the radar. Trying not to piss Alexi or Sean off. Spreading my legs whenever I was told without hesitation.
I didn’t know how to live my life for me.
In the whole of my existence, I’d never confronted anything more terrifying than starting all over again and figuring it all out.
The only thing worse was the way that my sister looked at me when she thought I wouldn’t notice. Like I was broken and about to fall apart again at any time. She wasn’t the only one who thought so. I caught the glances in my direction. The looks of sympathy. The judgement.
“I wish I wasn’t so messed up,” I whispered aloud, forgetting the room wasn’t empty as my head lifted.
“I know what you mean.”
Shadow’s softly voiced words sounded as tormented as my own.
“I feel like I’m drowning,” I admitted, hardly aware that tears had filled my eyes and spilled over silently down my cheeks.
“Me too.” His dark eyes were full of emotion I recognized – regret, pain, guilt, and rage.
The rage I understood the most.
“I’m hurting but I’m angry,” he seethed, sitting forward slightly as I reached across the table, reaching for his hands. “I’m so pissed off. I can’t let it go.”
“I don’t know how to stop hurting.” Gripping his fingers, I was surprised when he squeezed back. “I don’t know how to let it go either.”
“Maybe,” he faltered, “Maybe we can help each other.”
“Yeah, I’d like that.”
“Me too.”
MUSIC THUMPED THROUGH my chest as I entered the common room, zigzagging my way through the crowd. The air was saturated with the scent of leather, weed, and alcohol. Becca was serving drinks from behind the bar with another girl I’d never met before with black and blue hair. Maybe she was someone new since my arrival. I didn’t really care but since I wanted something to drink, I headed that way.
Becca gave me a bright smile. “What’s your poison, Naomi?”
Naomi not Trixie. Did my sister tell everyone to use my real name?
“Diet coke with grenadine.”
“Ah, girl likes cherry,” she announced with a wink. “Coming right up.”
As soon as she handed over my drink I smiled and took a sip, giving her my thanks before finding my sister who was sitting on Rael’s lap. He was deep in conversation with Bodie, Lucky, and Grim. Every single one of the bikers had an ol’ lady with them.
Bodie had an arm slung around Sasha’s shoulders as she munched on a bowl of popcorn, rubbing her belly. Cindi was sharing the bowl and both women had tossed in Milk duds to help with their craving. Couldn’t really blame them. I enjoyed chocolate-covered caramels and popcorn too. Nylah told me they were pregnant a couple of weeks ago and had the same due date in the early fall.
Trish, the president’s ol’ lady was also pregnant but in the early stages. Everyone at the clubhouse knew she was sick most of the day and she seemed pale, dozing on Grim’s shoulder as he held her against his chest.
The whole scene reminded me that the Crossroads wasn’t just a meeting place for the members of the Tonopah Royal Bastards MC. This was their home. The bikers and their women were family.
Longing hit my chest hard and I knew I didn’t belong here. I lived here but it wasn’t my home. Not really. Just a place to rest my head at night. Patriot took care of me but how long was that going to last? Until he got tired of me or bored?
Everyone else fit in here. I didn’t.
Spinning on my heel, I rushed toward the hall and only relaxed once I was alone. I saw Shadow slipping out the side door and was tempted to follow him but I never got a chance.
“Mimi? You okay?” Patriot must have been looking for me.
I really hated being asked that question. It was growing old.
“Fine,” I answered, plastering one of those fake smiles I perfected long ago for Alexi on my face.
He frowned, planting his feet apart as he gave me a once over. Seemed like he was going to say more but then his expression softened. “I suppose it’s a lot to take in out there, huh?”
“Yeah. I think I’ll go read a book or something.”
He followed me into his room and shut the door, leaning against the wood.
“You don’t have to stay. I’ll be fine.”
“I know that. It’s just,” he paused and scrubbed a hand down his face, “I’m kind of concerned, sunshine. Your eyes are telling me that you’re in pain and I don’t like it.”
I didn’t want to be interrogated right now. “You’re reading into it.”
“I don’t think I am.”
“Don’t shrink me right now.”
He smirked. “I don’t think I could if I wanted to which I don’t. Something has you agitated.”
Why did he have to be so observant?
“Just let it go.”
“Can’t do that, honey.”
“Fine. I’m upset.”
“Pretty sure I got that part.”
“You won’t understand,” I spat almost angrily. No one did. Maybe Shadow but that wasn’t important at the moment.
“Then try explaining it to me,” Patriot replied calmly.
“I’m lost, okay?”
“Lost how?” He moved away from the door and walked my way slowly, closing the distance between us with every step.
“I’m flailing in the darkness. There’s just emptiness and hate and all the bad shit that’s happened to me. I don’t think I’ll ever find my way out of there,” I confessed, my throat thick with emotion and truth.
“Close your eyes,” he commanded softly.
I opened my mouth to argue, swiping at the tears that lingered on my flushed cheeks, falling even when I was unaware.
“Just close your eyes.”
I obeyed, sniffling as the snot threatened to dribble down my face and drop onto the front of my shirt.
“Reach out your hand.”
“Patriot.”
“Just do it, Ms. Defiant.”
He was teasing. Hesitant, I lifted my hand so slowly it barely moved until my fingers were hovering in the air, empty, alone, and without any help. Several heartbeats lapsed. Just as I was about to sob with the ache in my chest and the fear that he would abandon me, Patriot’s fingers closed around my own. Their warmth collided as our palms slid together in the cool air and he squeezed lightly. For a few seconds, we breathed in perfect sync. Two pairs of lungs functioning to give and sustain life. Easy. Effortless.
“You’re not flailing, Mimi, and you don’t have to find your way out of the darkness alone.”
He didn’t get it. Not really. “What if I open my eyes and the monsters return?”
/> “Feel me? Not just my hands but my presence?”
“Yes,” I answered, swallowing hard. Even with my eyes shut, I’d always be aware when Patriot was nearby. Something about his honest and open personality had connected with my lost and melancholy heart.
“As long as you can feel me, they won’t return.”
“Even if I open my eyes and you’re not there?” I was too frightened to test his words. My lashes fluttered but I didn’t dare open my eyes.
He placed his other palm lightly over my heart. “Do you feel me here?” he asked, his touch so light and delicate that I nearly forgot he was a tough biker and nearly twice my size.
“Yeah.”
“As long as there’s breath in your lungs, sunshine, there’s no chance they could take you away again. As long as our hearts continue to beat, know I’m never far enough to leave you vulnerable. I’m always close.” His voice cracked a little and I almost opened my eyes to catch the vulnerability I could hear in the deep timbre. “I’m always here.”
Silence followed and neither of us broke the connection that seemed to grow and strengthen between two tarnished hearts. We breathed in tandem, chests rising and falling at the same time. Time lost all meaning. Seconds, minutes, hours. I didn’t know how long we stood in his room, the sounds of the clubhouse fading like white noise into the background. I only knew the exact moment that he tilted my chin up and my eyes slowly opened, catching the fierceness of his gaze a heartbeat before he pressed a kiss to the tip of my nose.
“You’re gonna be just fine, little sunshine. Trust me.”
Trust? He asked once before but it was a foreign concept after all of the abuse and trauma, the unending nightmare of rape and torment. And yet, here was Patriot. A Marine with a dark and painful past. A man with his own horrors and regrets. His scars were as numerous as my own.
He wore them like a mantle, proudly on display for all to see.
I clawed and scraped to keep mine in, horrified for the world to know how low I had fallen.
“I don’t know how,” I whispered. The rawness of that truth was evident in the rasp of my voice.
“I’ll teach you,” he murmured, the deep blue of his eyes almost mesmerizing.
