by Alexa Powers
“Abso-freaking-lutely!”
Settling in the lounge after their massages and dinner, Emma was finally ready to speak to Lily about Noah. She’d gone over the conversation repeatedly in her mind over the last few hours, but she found that actually expressing her emotions was a lot harder than she thought it would be. It gave a sense of finality to her situation, but at the same time she felt foolish for questioning Noah’s commitment.
She took a long pull from the beer Lily had given her, the cold liquid sliding past the lump in her throat, as she tried to organize her jumbled thoughts.
Lily gave her a concerned look, her normally upturned lips forming a straight line. “Alright. I can’t take it anymore. Talk to me Emma. What’s wrong?”
Emma filled her lungs and exhaled the deep breath, gathering the courage to voice her concerns. “Well, I wanted to talk to you about Noah. Something’s wrong, but he won’t talk to me.”
“What makes you think something’s wrong?” she asked, setting her drink on the table and shifting so she was facing her cousin, giving Emma her undivided attention.
“It’s not just one thing, but everything’s just…off. Like he keeps waking up in the middle of the night and going for a run, or I find him watching TV. And the way he looks at me…” She couldn’t stop the flood of sudden tears from spilling onto her cheeks. Wiping them away abruptly, she continued. “It’s different. I can’t explain it really. It’s almost like he doesn’t see me. He’s miles away. But I was wondering if Josh has said anything?” Trying to quiet the desperation in her voice was futile as more tears fell against her cheeks.
“Oh, Emma.” Lily’s kind eyes were wet with tears as she reached out and banded her arms around Emma, holding her tightly. “Josh hasn’t said anything to me. But I didn’t know to ask him. I’ll talk to him tonight and see if Noah’s said anything to him. I wish I knew what went through the minds of men. Why they push away the best thing that’s ever happened to them. And trust me, Emma, you are the best thing that’s ever happened to that man. He’d be a bloody fool to let you go.” Her heartfelt words did little to ease the weight of her affliction.
Emma sat up, trying to be strong and bite back the tears that refused to stop. “Do you think he’s met someone else?”
“No way! I’ve seen the way he looks at you, cuz. He truly only has eyes for you. Are you sure it’s you and not something going on with the team? I know when Josh was still playing, he got testy when they didn’t do well. That’s probably what’s got his knickers in a twist.”
“See, that’s the problem, though. I’m left to guess what’s bothering him. And something’s definitely bothering him, but he doesn’t trust me enough to talk to me about it.” Emma was fairly certain that if he would just talk to her, they could work it out, but without knowing what the problem was made that impossible.
“You know, he’s been on his own for a long while now. Maybe he’s just used to figuring things out on his own.”
“But he’s not alone anymore, and when you’re a couple, you figure things out together. At least that’s how I think it should be. How I want it to be. I don’t want to be left guessing if I’ve done something to upset him or whatever.” Emma’s voice ticked up a few notches as her sadness mixed with anger.
“No, you’re right. And I’m not trying to say that he’s right, because he’s definitely wrong for shutting you out. But I just want you to keep that in mind.”
“I know. I’m going to talk to him when he gets home tomorrow, and if he doesn’t open up, then I need to think about what I’m going to do. I can’t go on like this any longer. It’s killing me.” Emma’s weak chuckle rang empty in her ears. The strain of the unknown had taken its toll on her and she was mentally exhausted.
“Well, you know you always have a home here with us.” Lily gave her a soft smile, and Emma could see the worry in her eyes as she continued. “But let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.”
“Yeah. I hope not. I love him, Lily.”
Emma knew deep-down that Noah loved her, and that was why his behavior hurt so badly. He was pushing her away for no reason, and it left her unsure of her footing and grasping for any explanation that would justify his behavior.
“I know you do, Emma. And he loves you too, I know he does.”
Chapter 23
Emma was waiting in the lounge when the flicker of the sun’s reflection off Noah’s windshield lit the room, and the sound of the garage door opening announced his arrival. Bracing herself for the conversation she both needed to have, but dreaded at the same time, she held her breath at the sound of his footsteps.
Standing to her feet as he entered the lounge, Emma steeled her resolve, but almost faltered as she took in the sight of him. He looked just as exhausted as she did, and it was evident that whatever was troubling him was taking its toll.
Unable to resist, she moved to take him into her arms, reveling in the feel of his warm embrace and the scent of him. She was at home in his arms. There was nowhere else she’d rather be. The steady beat of his heart beneath her ear was like manna from heaven.
Her resolve began to dissolve as she worried the confrontation would be the end of Emma and Noah. She was so afraid she’d lose him if her fears were confirmed. Could she continue with their relationship the way things were going? Should she just hold her tongue and wait to see if it blew over? Maybe his worries were over something that was happening with the team and had nothing to do with her. Even so, he should trust her with his burdens and not shut her out, she reminded herself.
Emma’s thoughts were a jumbled mess, but when Noah lifted her chin to look into her eyes, she had her answer. Unless he forcibly removed her, she wasn’t going anywhere. She might be every kind of fool, but she loved him, and just the thought of walking out the door was unbearable.
Noah’s crooked smile melted her heart and what was left of her resolve. “Hey, sweetheart. I’ve missed you. I’m so glad to be home.” His arms tightened around her and she was a goner.
“I missed you, too. Sorry about the yellow card.” She’d watched the test match between the All Blacks and Ireland with Josh and Lily the night before and saw the devastation in Noah’s eyes when he was interviewed by the media. Knowing how he hated to let the team down, she knew he’d beaten himself up over it.
“It happens. I try not to dwell on it, but I was compete rubbish out there.” A genuine smile crossed his lips as he gazed longingly into her eyes. “Coming home to you makes it better, though.”
His soft lips met hers and all other thoughts were banished; his tongue begged for entrance and she instinctively complied. Strong arms gripped her tightly as she lifted onto her toes to meet him. This is where she belonged, securely enveloped in his loving arms.
She heard herself moan as his hands slipped down, coming to rest on her backside as he lifted her off her feet like she weighed nothing at all. As if they had a mind of their own, her legs wrapped around his waist as he moved to the couch. He settled her against his chest as her legs straddled his hips, never breaking the kiss.
Pressing his forehead to hers, they both struggled for breath after the long heated kiss. “God, I love you, Emma. I’ve missed you so much. Missed this. Just holding you, babe, you have no idea.”
His sweet profession of love melted her heart and emboldened her to make her own declaration. “I love you too…so much. I ache for you when you’re gone, you know. Sometimes at night when I wake up and you’re not there, I just feel…lost.” She couldn’t stop the flow of tears at the overwhelming sensation of being completely in love with the beautiful man who sat before her.
“Stay with me, Emma. When you finish university, that is. Come back to me,” he whispered reverently against her lips.
His words startled her, causing her to suck in a deep breath of air. Within the span of a few weeks he’d gone from the man of her dreams, to pushing her away, to asking her to give up everything and move to New Zealand permanently.
She
was dizzy as his words tumbled over and over in her exhausted brain. Unable to organize her thoughts, she took a moment to really think about the words he’d just spoken, letting the implications of his request settle over her as a thousand questions raced through her mind, each one leaving another in its wake.
Apparently, she took a moment too long, because when she looked into his eyes for reassurance, expecting to see the same softness from a moment ago, she found…anger? What was that about? “Noah, I don’t know what to say.”
“You know what…forget it. The look on your face just said everything. Forget I asked.” Her heart sank as he abruptly slid her off his lap and stood to his feet. He’d never snapped at her that way before, and it took a few seconds for it to register. Anger radiated off of him in waves as he looked at her as if she was a stranger.
Emma took in the sight of him standing rigid in front of her, his jaw clenched and his eyes hard slits. She had no idea what she’d said or done to elicit this reaction, but she didn’t deserve it. He started to pace back and forth across the lounge in obvious frustration, raking his hands through his hair.
“Noah, what’s the matter? What did I say?” The desperation in her tone shocked her, but she straightened her spine and continued. “I don’t understand. You didn’t even give me a minute to think. Why are you being this way? And, to be honest, Noah…I don’t appreciate it.”
“It’s not you, Emma. It’s me, I…”
“Oh, no you don’t, Noah! Don’t you dare!” she interrupted him. She was yelling now, but didn’t care; his anger was infectious, and as far as she was concerned, hers was justified, but his was not. “Do not give me that. That’s a total cop-out and I deserve better than that.” She felt her anger rise to the surface and didn’t hold back. “You’ve been giving me the push for the last few weeks, and whenever I asked you to talk to me about it, you brushed it off. And now you expect me to jump up and down when you ask me to stay. Don’t you get it? I was actually worried you’d found someone else, but didn’t have the guts to break up with me.” She felt the flush of her anger from the tip of her head to her toes, but it was of little relief to release the pent-up frustration from his behavior the last few weeks.
She watched as he cringed from the sting of her words; his expression went from pained to heated in the blink of an eye, and she wasn’t sure if she’d imagined it. “How could you possibly think that I would want anyone other than you? That’s complete and total rubbish. You have to know that.”
Emma softened her tone and tried to rein in her temper. “You know what? Two weeks ago I’d never have thought that, but lately, I wake up in the middle of the night and you’ve up and left. Like you don’t want to be with me. Something changed, and every time I asked you about it, you gave me the oh so enlightening, ‘I’m fine’…when I knew something was wrong. I could feel it in here.” Emma rubbed her aching heart, as she felt the sting of tears once again. She’d tried to stay calm, knowing if she didn’t her emotions would get the best of her, but it was of no use. For the first time, she really believed it was over. Her heart was breaking into a million pieces as she stood in front of the man she loved, watching him slip away.
“You know what? It wasn’t fine. I wasn’t fine. But did you ever think that it was something I was trying to deal with? My own insecurities? That it had nothing to do with you?” She desperately searched his eyes for some sign of hope, but came away empty.
Emma felt like he’d just reached into her chest and crushed what was left of her heart. “What the fuck, Noah?” Her harsh words hit their mark as she watched his handsome face twist into a painful grimace. “How can you stand there and say that to me? Of course it had everything to do with me. I can’t believe you just said that. If there was something upsetting me and you asked me about it, I would talk to you. So we could work it out…together. But you know what the pathetic thing is? I really thought you trusted me to share your worries, your troubles. Because that’s what couples do, or at least, that’s what they’re supposed to do. Be there for each other.” She took a deep breath, her head was pounding in unison with her racing pulse, and she was so mad and sad she couldn’t think straight. “Boy, was I a fool. But thanks for opening my eyes before I made an even bigger mistake.”
“Wow, that’s priceless coming from the girl who’s going to be leaving in a few months! You know what? Oh, never mind…I need to get out of here.” He turned to leave, and Emma wanted to throw the nearest object at his retreating backside. It was either that or jump on his back and beg him to stay.
“What! You’re leaving…now?” He paused and looked back at her over his shoulder, his face a mixture of sorrow and anger.
“Yeah. I need to clear my head, and I can’t do it here. I’m really sorry, Emma. I never meant to hurt you, you have to know that.” Emma watched in amazement as he stalked out the door he’d just entered a few minutes earlier.
Collapsing onto the couch, clutching her throbbing head in her hands, she wondered how things had gone so wrong, so quickly. She’d let her temper get the best of her, and now she was left alone to suffer the consequences. She’d never seen him so angry before, his face hardened as he stared at her, the tick in his jaw as he clenched his teeth. She looked around the room in which she’d felt at home just a short while ago and felt sick to her stomach.
She thought back over her time with Noah. From the first night they’d met, she felt connected to him in a way that she’d never felt with anyone else. His request hadn’t come as a complete surprise. They’d carried on their relationship as if it was forever, so asking her to come back shouldn’t have shocked her. But he’d been so distant the last few weeks that it had shocked her. And she’d needed a minute to process it and then maybe to sleep on it, too. They at least needed to sit down and talk about it rationally.
If he expected her to stay with him permanently, was he going to want to get married? Would she move without some sort of commitment from him? Should she? She could definitely see herself as Noah’s wife, had fantasized about it even. Would she be able to work? Her student visa prohibited her from getting a job, but surely he’d want her to contribute, at least until they started their family. Oh, God, just the idea of being so far away from her family when she had children twisted her already-sickened stomach into a painful knot.
He was asking her to give up everyone and everything she loved in America. Well, maybe not give it up entirely, she could always visit, but it wouldn’t be the same. In Boone, if she was feeling homesick, she could always just hop in her car and be home within a few hours.
Just thinking about living the rest of her life half a world away from her family left the wretched taste of bile in the back of her throat. And sweet little Abby would grow up so quickly, without her. And her own children would grow up without the influence of her parents and brothers and sisters.
That might be a good thing, she lied to herself, after watching Ali deal with their mother being constantly underfoot. She’d always pictured her children baking cookies and learning to swim on their Sunday visits to Nanny and Pop-pops for dinner. Could she leave it all behind and start a life in New Zealand with Noah?
As she looked around the lounge, a wave of despair washed over her as she realized it was probably too late to worry about it anyway. He’d walked away, he’d left her.
She waited on the couch for him to return, hoping they could talk, for what felt like hours. Wondering if he was staying away because she was still there, and suddenly feeling an overwhelming need to escape, she picked up her phone with trembling hands and called the one person who would always be there for her.
At the sound of Lily’s greeting, she broke down, sobbing uncontrollably into the phone. “Lily, will you come and get me?” she finally muttered, and wondered if Lily understood the unintelligible words she’d just barely mumbled.
“Emma, what happened?” Lily’s compassionate tone took some of the sting away, but she needed to get out of there, away from the mem
ories that mocked her from every corner.
“We had a fight and he left. I just want to get out of here before he comes back. Can you come and get me, please?” she begged, and hoped Lily didn’t probe any deeper. She didn’t have the strength left and didn’t think she could explain what had happened when she didn’t understand it herself.
“Of course. I’m leaving now. I’m going to kill that man when I get my hands on him. Do you want me to stay on the phone until I get there?” Lily’s steadfast support bolstered her as she stood to her feet and headed down the hall.
“No. I’m going to pack a few things and I’ll wait outside for you. But, please hurry, Lily.”
Ending the call, Emma braced herself before entering their bedroom. She sucked in a deep breath and exhaled slowly, stepping through the door as if entering a minefield. They’d shared so many amazing moments within the four walls that, just crossing over the threshold, took a herculean effort and the sight of their photos hanging over the bed was more than she could bear. Swallowing another round of tears, she quickly threw a few items into her suitcase, and finally releasing a breath, rushed from the room.
She’d had a few messy breakups in her lifetime, but this one put them all to shame. Her heart had been shattered into a million pieces, and she wasn’t sure how she’d make it through another minute, let alone the rest of her life without Noah. Replaying the evening over and over again did little to help her comprehend how it all had gone so wrong so suddenly. Noah went from asking her to stay to walking out the door in a matter of minutes. He’d walked away from her and hadn’t looked back.
Noah wasn’t surprised when his cell phone rang and Josh’s face lit up the screen. He was sure that Emma had talked to Lily by now and his best friend was either calling to rip him a new one or to lend his support. He swiped the screen and answered the call. “What the hell have you done, mate?” Josh’s angry voice bellowed through the phone, and Noah had his answer.
