by Brooks,Anna
I’m nothing but a liar. A thief. A hustler. A criminal … just like she said.
My world and hers don’t mix. I’m not bitter about it, not crying about the fact I’ll never get the taste of heaven. I’ll never know what purity feels like.
My life is my own, and she doesn’t belong in it. For her own good, she needs to stay far away from me and not look at me with those eyes. She wants more than just me; she looks at me and sees beyond the exterior. She burns a hole straight to my stone cold heart, and I can’t have that. She can’t distract me if I want to stay alive, or if I want my mom to stay alive. Because they will kill us.
But fuck me, Jessa makes me want to say screw it all to everything else and run away with her. Take her someplace where I can be with just her. Where it’s only us. Nobody but the two of us. No drugs, no money, no lies.
Unfortunately, I can’t do that. I can do nothing but stop someone from raping her behind a hotel and change her spark plugs. I haven’t stopped thinking about her since that night. Hell, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her since the first time I laid eyes on her.
No matter what I’ve been through and no matter what’s to come, I know I’ll never feel the level of ferocity I felt at that moment I first saw it was her again.
The moment I had sat down in my seat in class all those years ago, she made her presence known to me. She stared holes into the side of my head. I thought she was looking at me because she was wondering about the new kid … but she wasn’t like everyone else. When I finally glanced at her, she didn’t look at me with disgust and repulsion.
Not like I’m the dirt poor kid whose mom taught him to steal when he was five and who lived in a car for four years.
Not the little boy who had to clean up his mom’s puke and stay up all night to make sure she didn’t die.
Not the kid going through puberty who shot a man in the knee when he tried to force his dick in my mouth.
Not the teenager who had to kill a guy when he was fucking my mother in the ass while she was passed out with a needle in her arm, then clean her up afterward and burn the guy’s body to get rid of the evidence.
Not the man who now runs drugs to keep his mom’s debt low enough so that her pimp won’t kill her.
No, Jessa doesn’t look at me like that man. She looks at me like the man who could be the daddy to her babies. The one who would hold her every night and wake up with her every day. The one who would stand out at the grill while friends and family hung out in the backyard. The guy who would bring her a puppy home as a surprise anniversary present.
I wish I could be him. But I’m not, and if I make her think I am, I’d only let her down. And I can’t have that.
Chapter 3
Jessa
22 years old
“This seat taken?” A man puts his hand on the seat across from me.
“You can have it,” I answer without looking up. I’d rather continue staring at the text on my phone and wallowing in my own misery.
“Can I sit with you?”
“No,” I snap. When I raise my head to warn him off with daggers, he holds his hands up in surrender.
Once he turns his back to me, I take another sip of my cranberry vodka. I rest my forehead on the table and allow my hair to act as a shield while I cry. My tears fall silently, and the sound of the chair sliding out and a body plopping into it makes me snap my head up.
I’m not in the mood for stupid men tonight. Assholes. Each and every one of them.
When I snap my head up, though, Ty’s green eyes bore into me from across the table. He chews on a toothpick, and like his usual MO, he doesn’t say anything.
When he raises an eyebrow at me, I snap at him. “What do you want, Ty? Gonna swoop in and save me then vanish without a fucking word again?”
“Who made you cry?”
“Why do you care?
“You know why.”
“So you can go beat him up?”
He shrugs. “Among other things.”
“Why are you here?”
Another shrug. “In the neighborhood.”
I’m not even surprised to see him anymore. He manages to just pop up like a Jack-In-The-Box. I sip my cocktail and grab my phone when another text goes off.
Del: Don’t be a bitch.
My fingers fly furiously over the keyboard.
Me: Fuck you, you fucking asshole. You wanna see me be a bitch, try to keep my dog away from me.
I toss my phone back on the table and then slam my drink. Ty reaches for my phone, and I don’t even try to stop him from grabbing it. His brows scrunch when he reads the words. “Who’s this prick?”
When I moved back here two years ago, I did it for the sole purpose of finishing school. I tried to tell myself that wanting to see Ty again had nothing to do with it, but after a year and a half went by with no sign of him, I finally accepted Del’s offer and went to dinner with him. “He was my boyfriend up until about two hours ago.” I wave at the waitress and hold up my empty glass. “But when I walked into his apartment and found him balls deep in his neighbor, that was the end of it.”
Ty grunts. “He’s a fuckin’ idiot.”
“Yup.”
He tosses my phone back on the table and turns his ball cap backward. “What about the dog?”
“My dog. Mine. My baby. She stayed there sometimes, and in my haste to get away earlier, I forgot to grab her since she was in a different room. When I got here, I texted him to make sure he’d be gone tomorrow so I could get my dog, but he’s trying to say I can’t take her.”
“I’ll get her for ya. Just tell me his address.”
Of course. Why wouldn’t he be the damn knight in shining armor again? I’m sick of talking about Del. I’d rather talk about Ty, the man I can’t stop thinking about. “Ty, what’s going on between us?”
He sighs and waits for the waitress to set down my drink. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Why do you do this?”
“Do what?” He reaches into my empty glass and grabs an ice cube, chewing it in place of the toothpick he just took out and set on the table.
“You always know when I need you,” I whisper. “Is it a coincidence or are you following me?”
Those full lips tilt up again. “I’m not following you.”
“That doesn’t answer my question.” I slur the end of my sentence and then grab my new drink and slam it.
“Baby, you’re drunk. Let me take you home.”
Baby. I really like that. Maybe he’s right and I am drunk. “Okay.” I should be home instead of at a bar. “I need to use the bathroom first.”
He answers with a head lift, and I walk on wobbly feet to use the toilet. As I’m washing my hands, I use the cool water to help calm me down. Taking a few deep breaths, I collect myself.
When I open the door, he’s waiting for me. I don’t know what it is about him. This makes the what, third, fourth time I’ve spoken to him, but it feels like we do this every freaking day. Or maybe I just feel like that because I think about him every day. I feel so much around him.
When he holds his hand out for me, I take it. I follow him, and when we approach the table we were just at, I tug on him. “I need to pay the bill.”
“Already did.”
“Thank you.”
He nods and continues to walk with me out of the bar and to his truck. Opening the door, he helps me in, and when he starts the engine, I roll the window down. Since I go to school in the city, I have an apartment halfway between my hometown and the college.
I don’t even think to give him directions, so when he pulls up to my place, I turn and cross my arms. “How did you know where I lived?” I’m suddenly more sober and, for the first time ever, a little afraid of him.
He puts the vehicle in park, tosses his hat on the dash, and then runs his hand through his hair. “I have this … insane attraction to you. It’s fuckin’ magnetic. But it’s more than your beauty. God,”—he
reaches up and cups my face in his hand—“you’re the most beautiful woman to ever exist.” He says it more to himself than to me. “It’s more than that, though, right? I mean, fuck, Jessa, I can’t stop thinking about you. I always think about you.”
“Why do you always leave?”
As if I threw ice water on the fire, he pulls his hand back. “I can’t be with you.”
“Why can’t you be with me?”
He shakes his head slowly. “It’s not safe.”
“Not safe from what?”
“Not what. Who.”
I’m the one shaking my head now. “What?” I undo my buckle and turn to face him. “I don’t understand you, and I want to so badly, Ty. I want to get to know you, I want to make you laugh, I want—”
“You don’t need to understand me any more than you already do. The only thing you need to know is you deserve better than what I could give you.”
I blow away a stray strand of hair, completely fed up. “That’s the most cliché line I’ve ever heard. Just like fucking Del tonight. ‘It’s not you, Jessa’.” I reach for the door and yank on the handle. “You men are all the same. Assholes.”
He grips my arm, and I freeze. God, just his touch makes everything else fade away. It makes my heart warm and my pulse race.
“Fuck, baby, I’d treat you so good. I fuckin’ dream about your smilin’ face and what I’d do to keep it there. But for as badly as I want to see you happy, there are men out there who want to see me bleed. They’d use you against me.”
“Are you in danger? Should I call the cops?” I reach for my bag, but he shakes his head and laughs.
“These guys don’t exactly have respect for the law. We don’t involve the police.”
“Oh.” I bite my lip.
“Can I …?” He trails off, shaking his head, almost embarrassed.
I reach up to his face and run my fingers across the stubble on his jaw, unable to keep my hands to myself anymore. A spark passes between us. Literally, I shocked him. My lips don’t move, but he smiles with his eyes. “Can you what?” I whisper.
He looks at my lips then my eyes. “I just wanna … Can I hold you?”
“Yeah, Ty. You can hold me.”
He turns and hitches a leg on the bench seat. I snuggle against him, my back to his front. He’s stiff for a second, but I pull his arms tighter around me. I soak up the warmth and strength and security that is Ty. His hard body becomes soft, and he puts his face into my hair and sniffs. “You smell so good.”
“Thank you.”
“Thank you for letting me do this.”
“I’d let you do this anytime, Ty. Something’s between us and if you’d just let it—”
“Maybe in another life, baby. But this is what I’m workin’ with now, and if it’s all I get from you, I’ll take it, and I’ll die a happy man.”
“If we could live in another life, what do you think it would be like?”
He sighs, thinking. “Well, we’d meet as kids. Preschool. Then we’d be best friends until you realized you belonged with me. That I’ve wanted you since I first saw you. That you’ve been mine since I could say the word.” His voice holds humor, something I’ve never heard.
Instead of acknowledging it, I keep that tidbit to myself. “How long would that have been for?”
“Forever.”
“Hmm.”
“It’d have to be, because I would never give someone else the chance to be with you. You’d be mine. Only mine.”
God, he’s sweet.
“We’d live together and have a lot of land so you could have as many dogs as you want.”
“How do you know I like dogs?”
“I know a lot about you, Jessa.”
“That’s so fucking creepy.”
His chest shakes behind me. “Not for the reasons you’d think. I swear.”
“Hmm.” I snuggle into him, loving how it feels to be in his arms. “Remind me again why we can’t have that now.”
“Because even if it’s only in our dreams or in our imaginations, it’s going to have to be good enough. I’m not saying this to be mean, but baby, you wouldn’t survive in my world, and I wouldn’t ever ask you to. I want you, so fuckin’ bad, but I can’t have you. And even if you think you want me, and even though I know you’d be the sweetest thing I’d ever have, we can’t. I will not, I will never, put what I want before you.”
His words are soft but firm. Final. I melt into him and close my eyes, enjoying the fact that I finally get this with him, no matter how short-lived it will be.
I speak the words that are heavy on my heart. “So we just have now, then?”
“Yeah, we have right now.”
“If this is all we have, then I need to tell you something.” I don’t know why I’m whispering.
“‘Course.”
I want to be looking into his eyes—into who he really is—when I tell him this, so I turn and look up. “I think that our worlds were meant to collide.” He opens his mouth to speak, but I press my finger over his soft lips. “I just want you to know that what I feel for you—this deep, extraordinary connection we have—will never go away. I’ve tried, and you don’t ever go away. I don’t want you to go away.”
Tears brim my eyes. His face is pained; the hurt in his eyes reflects my heart breaking as every second leaves us. He leans forward and kisses me. Gentle and sweet—so unlike the hard and rough man everyone else knows. His tongue barely touches my lips, but I feel it down to my soul. The blood pulsing through my veins heats up, and he growls low in his throat before pulling back and resting his forehead on mine.
“You’ll never go away, either, Jessa. Never.”
I huddle back into him, and with his warmth and security, I fall asleep in his arms. The only place in the world where I want to be.
Hours later, when the moon is high in the sky, he carries me to the front door and then my bed, laying me down carefully. I pull him to me, but he backs up. “If I taste you again, I will never be able to stop, and I can’t … I wish I could, but fuck!” He rubs the back of his neck as he looks at the floor.
I wait. And wait. Then I give him the easy out. “Night, Ty.”
He whips his head up. “‘Night, baby.”
I listen as he walks himself out. Then I hear his truck start up, and he drives away. After I finally fall asleep, I see him in my dreams. They’re so real it scares me, but when I wake up in the morning without him, reality sets in. My dog cuddles next to me, and I hold onto her. I don’t know how Ty got her, but I don’t care. I hold on to her and cry because I fear I’ll never see him again.
I never thought I’d live my life going through the motions, but lately, that’s all it seems to be. I’m very embarrassed I’m letting a man control me without him even being present. The last time I saw him was three weeks ago, and each day gets worse and worse.
Resentment is slowly replacing my desire for him to stay and love me. How dare he continue doing this to me? How dare I allow it?
Chapter 4
Jessa
7 months later
My mind is playing tricks on me, because I can still feel him. It’s been over six months, and I close my eyes and see him clear as day. My emotions are on a bungee cord—high one minute, then low the next. Bouncing back and forth between anger, sadness, want, need.
“Congratulations!” Everyone cheers as Kat and I walk into the bar.
We’re having a joint college graduation party, and I smile big as my brother scoops me up in his arms. “You’re here!” I shout against his chest.
“Of course, I’m here.”
Landon’s shooting a movie in Canada right now, and I talked to him last night. He told me he couldn’t get away, so I’m totally shocked to see him right now.
“You big liar.” I wipe my tears, and he smiles his movie star smile.
“Sorry.”
“No, you’re not.”
“No.” He pulls me to him again, and I wrap my arms around
his waist. “I’m not.”
“How are you?” I hug him again and hold on a little too tight. He pulls me back and looks into my eyes then grabs my hand and pulls me into a hallway where we’re alone.
“Talk to me, Jessa.”
“I’m fine. Just surprised to see you.”
“You never were a good liar.”
“There’s a guy. He—”
“Did he hurt you?” Landon’s features tighten, and I put a hand on his arm.
“No. Not physically. He’s the same one who saved me from Derek that night. I saw him about six months ago, and he says it’s better if we’re not together … safer. Ugh.” I throw my hands up and shake my head. “It just sucks, ya know? Wanting someone you can’t have.”
Landon looks at his feet, shuffling them from side to side. He finally looks up, his face full of sorrow. “Yeah, sis. I totally know what you mean.”
“Who is she?” I ask, glad to have a distraction.
He shakes his head. “Someone I can’t have. But this isn’t about me.”
“I’m fine. I just have my moments. Let’s go celebrate.”
“Let’s go.”
We head back out by everyone else. Family and a few old friends all laugh, reminisce, and have a good time. I listen to Landon talk about his movie and the stunts he’s doing, so proud of his accomplishments. All the older people take off after dinner is finished. That’s when the music gets turned up a bit louder and the lights a bit dimmer.
We dance and drink; Vaughn and Landon sit at our table to keep an eye on us … doing their brotherly duty. After a couple of hours, we call it a night and go our separate ways. Landon and I pull up to our house just as my phone rings.
“Girl, turn your ass around and come to another bar.”
“What, why? Kat, I’m tired.”
“We were on our way home, and I got a call from Lindsey about another party. Come on, you like Lindsey.” She’s right, I did. Unfortunately, because her father was in the Army, she moved our freshman year. When he retired, they moved back.
“Hold on.” I hold the phone away and look at Landon. “You wanna go to another bar?”
“I’m dog-ass tired, Jessa.”
