by Brooks,Anna
I knew things were bad for him. It didn’t take me seeing it that night to realize it. “I don’t care where you came from.”
“My past is who I am. It won’t leave me. Christ, the entire time I was locked up, all I thought about was you. I don’t even know how I got so lucky to have someone like you look at me as you do. Trash doesn’t deserve—”
“You are not trash,” I interrupt him. “You’re the kid who saved me from being raped, Ty. You’re the one who fixed my car. You’re the man who went to prison because I killed someone. You’re the one who’s better than I am.”
“You deserve so much better than me. For a moment, I thought maybe I could have you, that just maybe things between us could work out. But fuck, Jessa. As selfish of a bastard as I am, I’m not so narcissistic as to drag my shit show into your house.”
He begins to stand, but I cling to him. “We can work it all out, Ty. Don’t you get it? There’s something here. There always was,” I cry. “You’ve always been there. You won’t leave my fucking heart; I don’t want you to leave me.”
He lightly shakes his head before those beautiful, soulful eyes penetrate mine. “I don’t really know what it feels like to love someone, but I guess what I feel for you is probably pretty close to that.” I cry harder at his words, but he still peels me off him. “I’d give you the world if I could. I’d kill for you; I’d die for you. But the one thing I won’t do for you is stay.”
“Well, I do know what love is, and I know that I fucking love you.”
The creases between his eyebrows tighten, and he shakes his head. “You can’t love me.”
“But I do!”
“I’m not a lovable kind of guy, baby. Our worlds don’t work. You’re clean and good and beautiful. I’m dirty … so dirty, and you deserve someone who’s not corrupted.”
I let him walk away because I don’t really have a choice. I’ve already begged him to stay. I’ve pleaded with him … and as much as I’d like to, I can’t force him. My body sinks into the couch, and I’m crying so loud I don’t hear him leave. My soul is missing its other half, though, so I know he’s gone.
* * *
“You have to tell him.” Kat sips her wine, and I twirl my water bottle in my hands.
I try to meet up with her once a month, but since she’s my brother’s personal assistant, sometimes her schedule doesn’t allow for it. Hence why it’s been two months since I’ve seen her.
“I’m going to end it.” I decide right here and now.
“Why? Neil seems like a really nice guy. I’m sure he’d understand.”
Neil called me the day after Ty walked out of my life. I think I was desperate for something, and I said yes to another date. That turned into another. Then another. Now, it’s been three months, and he’s taking me out of town this weekend. He’ll be here in a few hours to pick me up.
I miss Ty. Nobody compares to him, but I can’t hold out for a man who’s convinced himself that he’s not good enough for me. I’m nothing special. Just a woman who desperately wanted a man. But since I couldn’t have him, I needed to move on. It wasn’t just what happened the last time I saw him; it was the fact I’ve being strung up on him since I was sixteen years old.
I needed to let go. I tried to let go. But fate had to go and be a bitch. Now … now, things are different. They’ll never be the same.
“I’m sure once he hears the word ‘pregnant,’ he’ll run far, far away.” I shake my head. “I’d rather do it alone anyway.”
“What if he doesn’t, though, Jess?” She squeezes my hand. “What if Neil wants this with you?”
“We haven’t been together long. Hell, we’re not really together. We’re dating. He’s not going to want to raise another man’s baby. And honestly, I don’t think I want him to. Plus, we haven’t even slept together yet.”
“Really?” she asks, surprised.
“He doesn’t turn me on like Ty.” I shrug. “He’s attractive, and nice, and sweet … but Ty—”
“Stop. Stop comparing Neil to Ty. Ty’s an ass. Sure, he’s hot. And yeah, there’s something inherently attractive about a bad boy, but he’s a dick. He left you. He doesn’t want you, Jessa. You need to get over him.”
My eyes well with tears, and I don’t bother wiping them when they fall. “You’re right,” I whisper.
Kat wraps her arms around me. “You’ll be okay. You’re strong and smart, and whatever you decide about your relationship with Neil, I’ll support you. All I’m asking is that you give him a chance.”
She helps me get ready and distracts me when she sees I’m falling into myself too much. Right before Neil arrives, she gives me another hug of encouragement and takes off.
I sit on my couch, petting my dogs. The first time I puked in the morning, I cried because I knew. I just knew. And as much as I’ve always wanted to have a family of my own, doing it with a man who doesn’t even want me wasn’t how I planned it. But life works that way. Things don’t go as planned.
When there’s a knock on the door, I jump. The dogs wag their tails as I answer the door, and Neil pets them when he walks in.
“Hi,” I greet him.
The cheerful expression on his face falls. “What’s wrong?”
His brows draw together, and he studies me. His fingers run down the side of my face, and he pulls me into his strong arms. The genuine concern touches my heart, and I don’t hold back anymore. His compassionate embrace breaks me.
“I’m pregnant.”
I feel him stiffen around me, and he separates us, grabbing my shoulders and bending down to look into my eyes. “Who’s the father?”
“A guy I was seeing before you.” He doesn’t need to know I was with Ty after we’d gone out on that date.
“What does he say?”
“He doesn’t know.”
Neil takes a step back and runs his fingers through his hair. “You should tell him.”
“I would if I knew he wanted anything to do with me, but he ditched me. He made it perfectly clear that he doesn’t want to be with me, so what difference would a baby make?”
He nods and sits on the couch.
“I understand if you want to leave.”
“Here’s the thing.” He sighs. “I like you, but I do not want to be a dad yet. And no offense, but when I’m with a woman who’s having a baby, I want it to be mine.”
Honestly, his words don’t hurt me at all. “I know. I don’t blame you.”
“But”—he pulls me down next to him and wraps an arm around my shoulder—“that doesn’t mean that we can’t still be friends. I can help out and be here for you. It sucks you have to do this alone, but I’ll still be here for ya.”
“Thank you, that means a lot.”
I wrap my arm around him. Giving him a half-assed hug, I stand and wipe my eyes. “I’m sorry about this weekend.”
“What?” He shakes his head. “We’re still going. I just won’t seduce you anymore.”
I laugh. And it feels good. “You were going to seduce me?”
“Oh, yeah. I have champagne waiting. And strawberries.”
A giggle escapes me. “That’s it? Champagne and strawberries?”
“Nope, I had more moves up my sleeve. But I can’t tell you all my secrets.” He twirls his keys. “Let’s go. We can still have fun. I can’t be your baby daddy, but I can be your friend.”
He makes me laugh again, and I think maybe, just maybe, things will be okay.
The entire weekend at the hotel, I’m sick. I puke first thing in the morning, and when he tries to offer me food, I jump out of the bed so fast I hit him in the head. He’s been such a sweetie the entire time, though. And even though no romantic feelings are involved, he’s quickly becoming someone I care about a lot.
* * *
It’s been two months since I’ve seen Ty, and with the encouragement of Neil, I decided to try to tell him. Ty does deserve to know. Even if he doesn’t want me, maybe he wants to be involved in the baby’s l
ife.
I wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans that are quickly becoming too tight, and open the door to the shop. Chip finishes his conversation on the phone and hangs up with whoever he’s talking to.
“Can I help you?”
“Is Ty here?”
“No.”
“Okay.” I shift on my feet. “Does he work tomorrow?”
“He doesn’t work here anymore.”
The shock on my face makes him laugh. “Yeah, that was how I looked when he up and quit on me.”
“Do you have any contact information for him or anything?”
“Nope, sorry.”
“That’s okay. Thank you.”
I don’t cry on the way home. I even make it through dinner and a shower. But when I rest my head on the pillow, I can’t hold it back anymore.
I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do.
He didn’t just leave me. He disappeared.
* * *
“Fuck this.” I toss my pillow across the room and pace in front of my bed. I can’t fucking sleep. I can’t get comfortable. Being six months pregnant sucks. I can’t imagine what will happen in another couple of months. How can women do this over and over?
My feet take me to the kitchen. I fill up a glass with water, drinking a few sips since anything more than that just goes right through me. I need fresh air, a change of scenery or something to help me fall asleep, so I open my front door.
It’s dark and quiet. Peaceful. My ass plops down on the top step, and I look around my yard. Neil’s been cutting the lawn for me, but I really need to pull some of these weeds. My thoughts drift to all the other work I have to do. I’m just thankful I was able to find another veterinarian to work at the clinic while I’m on maternity leave.
I rub my belly, the small flutters reminding me an actual person is inside. Since there are only so many true surprises in life, I’ve decided not to find out the sex. I wonder so much if it’ll be a boy or a girl. Will it have Ty’s green eyes or my brown ones?
My lids close, picturing a mini Ty running around. Or maybe a little girl with brown pigtails and an overprotective daddy, teaching her how to ride a bike. He’d be a great father; I’m just sad that he’ll never get the chance to realize it. No, that’s a lie. I’m mad. I’m pissed. I’m so damn angry with him.
But more than anger, I feel sadness and regret that I won’t get the life I always wanted.
Chapter 13
Ty
My car stays inconspicuous as I watch her come out of her house and onto the porch. She pulls her robe close and sits on the top step, her mind deep in concentration as she closes her eyes.
As much as I’d like to tell myself she’s better without me, I know not a man out there could possibly feel about her the way I do. As soon as Marco is taken care of, I’ll go claim her as I should have done already.
Neil might be a problem, but I can’t do anything about it right now. Kills me to admit it; it’s like swallowing razor blades, but she’s safer with him than she is with me right now.
I’ve seen him coming and going, and as much as it’s torn me apart, I can’t fault the guy for wanting to be with her. She’s amazing. She deserves to be happy, and as long as Neil’s doing that, I can suffer the consequences of what it does to my insides for a little while longer.
Jay agreed to put a man on her house just to be on the safe side since Marco is so unpredictable, but tonight, I took watch. I wanted to see her again. Needed to see her. It’s been sheer torture being so close to her but not being able to touch her for the past five months.
What’s even more torturous is that Marco is still so freaking slick; I haven’t found anything new on him. We just need a little bit of proof. Something to lock him away. But he’s too smart.
When Jessa leans forward, and her shoulders shake, I can’t help it. I get out of the car and go to her. She must sense me because she tells me to go away before I’m up her walkway.
“I can’t leave you like this. Stop cryin’, baby.”
“Don’t.” She whips her head up and raises her voice. “Don’t fucking call me baby.”
“I already told you, I’d call you whatev—”
“I thought that when I saw you again, I’d run into your arms, and you’d hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. But for some reason, your being this close to me is just pissing me off.” A humorless laugh echoes in the still of the night. “Ya know what the most fucked up thing is? I barely even know you. How do you do this”—she motions to her face—“without me even really knowing you?”
“You know me better than anyone ever has.” I crouch down and take her hands in mine. “I have some things to take care of, Jessa. You need to understand that keeping you safe is the most important thing to me. But fuck me; I’ve been wrecked without you. When I left, when I walked away, you know I did it to keep you safe. But I’m not … I’m not sure I can handle being away much longer. I’m dying inside without you.”
Her watery eyes meet mine. “You don’t show it very well.”
I sit next to her and rest my elbows on my knees. “There’s so much I want to tell you …”
“I need to tell you something, too.”
She stands, and when I see the lump on her belly, I jump to my feet as my heart falls to the floor. She’s pregnant. Goddamnit, I lost my chance. “I hope you and Neil are happy. You deserve it.”
“No. Ty,” she hollers, as I’m walking away to my car.
I slam the door in the state issued black Impala and call Jay as I’m driving away. “Get someone else on her.” I toss my phone onto the passenger seat and peel out of my spot. I sit at the end for twenty minutes until I see another unmarked car take my place, and then I leave for good.
I make my way back to my apartment. Once inside, I reach for the whiskey that’s readily available on my counter, taking the bottle with me to bed.
She’s pregnant. I lost my fucking chance because of fucking Marco. I thought we’d have time when he finally was locked up. Thought we could make a life together. Not only did the piece of shit kill my mom, but he’s also ruined my chance to be with the one woman in the world who makes me have a purpose.
I continue to drown my sorrows in the bottle until I pass out, surrendering to the familiar darkness.
* * *
A pounding on my door wakes me, but I ignore it and pull the pillow tighter over my head. The sound doesn’t go away for another few minutes, but then I hear footsteps, and I reach under my mattress and pull out my gun. I point it at my door, and when Jay steps in, I lower it.
“What the fuck, man?” He turns on my light and yanks the covers off me.
“I’m done,” I tell him, rolling over onto my side.
“You’re done?”
“Out. Gone. Done. I fucking quit.”
“You can’t quit.”
“Yes, I can.”
He sighs and tugs on my blinds to let more light into my bedroom. “You like bein’ a martyr?”
“She’s pregnant.”
His hesitation is palpable. “Damn.”
“So like I said, I quit.”
“Ty.”
“Do you have any fucking clue?” I sit up in bed, ignoring the dull ache behind my eyes. “Any clue what it’s like to grow up like I did. To see the things I saw. To not even understand what normal is. Then to have this girl, this fucking angel, look at you as if you matter, as if you actually belong. Then to have her life endangered because of you. And just when you can feel freedom within your grasp, it’s ripped away from you.”
“Ty, I—”
“You don’t. You grew up in suburbia with a white picket fuckin’ fence. I’m not mad at ya, but you don’t fuckin’ get it.”
“No, I guess I don’t.” He leans against the wall and opens his mouth to speak, but stops when his phone rings. His brows scrunch when he sees the name, but he quickly puts the phone to his ear. “What’s up, man?” I watch as his face pales, and he glances at me. “I’m wi
th him now. Yeah. Where? Right. We’ll meet up to discuss recon and extraction in ten.”
All it takes is the uncertainty in his eyes, and I’m out of bed and pulling on a pair of black jeans and t-shirt. “When?” I ask, as I rush around my room to find a pair of socks. He doesn’t answer, so I try again, a little louder this time. “When did he fuckin’ take her?”
“A few hours ago. Neil went to bring her a donut and found her detail with a bullet in his head.”
“Fuck. Fuck! Was there a struggle?”
“Not from what Neil said.”
He fucking took her. Marco fucking took my girl. “Let’s roll.”
I follow him outside, and as I’m driving to our location, I pull my badge out from under my visor and slide it around my neck, then put my aviators on. I’ve been working for nine years to catch Marco, and today is going to be the fuckin’ day. I’ve waited too long to have this shit end, and even if she’s with someone else, it’s time she learns the truth.
Chapter 14
Jessa
Marco stands across from me. I don’t blink; I don’t breathe. He finally smiles. My eyes sting from the tears blurring them, and he chuckles.
“Now, now. We don’t need any crying.”
A lone tear rolls down my cheek, and he leans forward and wipes it with his thumb. I pull back, and he ‘tsks’ me. “Get used to me touching you, Ms. Crew. We’re going to have a lot of fun together.”
Bile burns in my throat like acid. “What do you want?” I whisper.
A knock on the door interrupts him just as he’s about to speak. He licks his lips before he leaves, and I remain on the bed. With my ankles shackled to the ground, the metal bites into my skin. I sit upon a worn mattress with one sheet on it. No pillow. No windows. No running water. Just a bucket in the corner.
As time goes on, my fear escalates, and my bladder fills. I reluctantly drag myself to the bucket, the chains just long enough to reach, and relieve myself then return to sit on the bed. I’m cold, I’m thirsty, I’m hungry, I’m tired, and I’m terrified.
