by Lois Richer
Petra barely had time to nod before a hard contraction grabbed her. Thanks to Dora’s support she was able to sustain a push that freed the baby’s head. As usual, Holly’s heart filled with awe as a fuzzy head appeared. She never tired of the wonders of birth.
“You’re doing great, sweetie,” Holly praised. “Now one more big push and your baby will be here.”
A moment later Petra exerted the final effort and her baby slipped into the world. A tear slid down Holly’s cheek as she cradled the little life in her hands. Her breath strangled her when the tiny girl wrapped one small finger around her thumb and clung. Awe exploded inside Holly as the baby’s blue eyes gazed at her with sweet innocence.
“Your baby is here,” she told Petra. “A beautiful baby girl. You did very well. We’ll get her cleaned up and then you can see her.”
“A girl.” Petra sagged against the pillows Dora had piled behind her. She showed none of the relief of Holly’s usual maternity patients when labor was finally over. In fact, sadness lingered in her gaze. “I don’t want to see her. Take her away.”
No! Holly wanted to scream it. How could anyone not want this beautiful child? But who was she to judge? With soft, soothing murmurs, she carefully cleaned the baby, weighed her and then swaddled her in a flannel blanket. All the while those big blue eyes studied her. After the first initial cry, the child made no sound. Could she sense that her mother didn’t want to hear her voice, didn’t want a memory she couldn’t delete?
After laying the baby in a small bassinet on the far side of the room behind a screen, Holly finished attending to Petra. She gave her the usual list of instructions after a birth and encouraged the girl to walk, with Dora’s help, as soon as she felt able.
But through it all, Holly’s attention centered on the infant she’d ushered into this world, a tiny bit of life that would grow into a child, able to love and laugh, to feel joy and sorrow.
The magnitude of what she’d done to a child just like this so long ago swamped Holly in a wave of regret. How could she have given away her own child? How could she now stand by and watch this precious baby be thrust into the world with no one to protect her?
In that instant the idea came to Holly, full-blown, simple, necessary. Maybe, Holly would be able to make up for the child she’d given away. At last she could atone for her sin.
Preoccupied, Holly finished her work at Family Ties. By the time she walked outside into the star-filled night, her every nerve was alive with emotion. She could make up for her mistake. She could ensure that this tiny, precious life was loved and coaxed to reach her full potential. Surely this was part of God’s plan.
“Holly?” Luc’s hand rested on her shoulder. “Is everything all right? The baby—”
“—is wonderful,” Holly told him. She took his hand and clasped it between hers, hardly able to stop herself from throwing her arms around him. “Petra had an adorable girl, healthy and strong. Ten on the Apgar at birth and again five minutes later. She’s absolutely perfect.”
“That’s good.” Luc leaned back on his heels, a frown creeping across his face. “You look…funny,” he said.
“I feel fantastic.” Holly let the joy inside her escape in a smile of delight. “I’ve had the most wonderful idea, something I’m sure you’ll support because you’re doing the same thing.”
“Oh?” He studied her with a worried look.
“I’m going to adopt Petra’s baby,” Holly told him. “And I want you to help me do it.”
Chapter Nine
A week had passed since Holly’s stunning announcement that she intended to adopt.
Luc still couldn’t process it, couldn’t even understand it. That’s why he’d made this plan.
I’m going to need some help here, God.
He checked his mental list. A ride, a picnic by a campfire in the hills she loved so well, a beautiful sunset; surely all of those would help her relax. Maybe then he could get her to explain what had led to her momentous decision.
Knowing she’d be home from work by now, Luc rode quickly from his house to hers, barely sparing a moment to admire the beauty of the land now burgeoning with summer beauty. At home, stuck to his fridge was a list of tasks he should be completing. The hay crop was ready to be cut. He needed to cull his and Holly’s herds and sell off the cattle they didn’t want. There was a yearling in his pasture that needed breaking to halter sooner rather than later.
None of it mattered as much as helping Holly.
“Luc?” Holly stepped out of the house as he rode up, still clad in her work scrubs. It was clear she’d just arrived home because her hair was still bound in the mussed-up ponytail she favored for work. “Is anything wrong?”
“On a day like this?” He told himself to keep it light. “What could be wrong? I came to see if you wanted to take a ride with me to the hills. I need a break.”
“Sure. Give me ten minutes.” She returned inside her house.
“I’ll saddle Melody while I’m waiting.” As Luc caught and readied Holly’s mare, he mulled over the peculiarities of the week just passed. “First she came up with this crazy idea she was going to adopt. Now she’s late every day, her eyes are kind of glassy and all she talks about are babies and what they need.”
“Are you talking to yourself, Luc?” Holly stood four feet away, her voice laced with mirth.
“Yes, I am.” He handed her the reins. “That way I get the answers I want. Ready?”
“I guess.” She swung up into her saddle with a lithe ease that signaled years of riding. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” He knew she wouldn’t let that go. He exhaled. “I’m worried about you.”
“Me?” Her blue eyes flared in surprise. “I’m fine.”
“Really?” Luc searched for a way to voice his concerns without sounding as if he was trying to interfere.
“What does that mean?” Holly frowned.
“It means you’ve been different ever since you delivered that baby at Family Ties last week.”
“Different? How?” she snapped.
“You came out of Family Ties talking adoption the night Petra’s child was born and you haven’t ceased since.” Luc saw anger building in her eyes and knew he hadn’t started well. “I hardly ever hear you mention your sewing lately except to do with that baby.”
“What’s wrong with that?” Holly’s chin jutted out defiantly.
“Nothing, only—” He faltered to a stop, intimidated by her glare. “Adoption?”
“You’re adopting Henry.” She glared at him.
“It’s not the same.” But Luc felt hard-pressed to explain why it wasn’t.
“The child I want to adopt is female and younger than Henry. Other than that I don’t see a difference.” Holly reined her horse to a stop then clapped her hands on her hips. “Is this some kind of plan to get me to change my mind?”
“No.” Luc saw her skepticism. Holly was so cute when she was steamed. Best not to say that. “Look, I know it’s not really my business—”
“No, it isn’t.” The way Holly’s lips pinched together told him he was botching this discussion.
“I just want to understand,” he said quietly, infusing every ounce of sincerity he possessed into his voice.
“What’s to understand?” Her brows met in a fierce frown.
“Holly, you said you’d never marry.” How could he get this frustrating, endearing woman to see reason? “You made no bones about it.”
“I’m not getting married, Luc.” At least she wasn’t chewing him out.
“No, but you also ruled out motherhood. You kept telling me you weren’t mother material,” he reminded. “Now suddenly you’ve done a complete reversal. I’m trying to understand why.”
“I see.” Holly kept staring at him with that narrowed gaze.
“I thought if we could get away for a while, relax and have a picnic supper maybe you’d be willing to explain your plan to me.” Luc now had second thoughts about that ide
a as long seconds dragged by, passed under Holly’s intense scrutiny. He held his breath, stifling all the things he wanted to say to her. Just give me a chance, Holly. Trust me. We’re friends. I only want the best for you. He only exhaled when she finally nodded.
She chuckled as she lifted Melody’s reins.
“Next time, Luc, ask me straight out instead of tippy-toeing around.” She shot him a prim look then kicked Melody’s sides and took off across the green meadow.
“She’s mercurial,” Luc muttered as he followed. “Is that the word, Lord? Or maybe I mean she’s like a puzzle.”
Holly rode ahead of him for a long time, letting the wind blow through her hair now that it was free of her ponytail. Luc kept his own pace, figuring she needed time to organize her thoughts. Holly was like that.
When she finally slowed down next to the creek he wasn’t surprised. He’d known she’d stop at her favorite place. Luc reined in, tied his horse to a tree and began unpacking while Holly, jeans already rolled up, stepped into the water.
When Luc had his picnic and a small campfire ready, he sat down and watched her, smiling when she dipped her fingers in the water to tease the minnows, chuckling out loud when she slipped and almost splashed face-first in the creek and bursting into loud laughter when a bee chased her.
He didn’t think he’d ever get tired of watching Holly. She was interested in everything: a butterfly that landed on a dandelion at the water’s edge, a frog that scooted under a stone to avoid her, a robin perched at the water’s edge, sipping daintily from the bubbling creek. When she finally came to sit across from him, Luc saw the turmoil in her eyes had settled.
“So what are we having?” She nodded at the cloth he’d spread.
“Ham and cheese sandwiches, chips, iced tea and watermelon.” Luc prepared her paper plate, held it out then added his garnish. “With dill pickles, of course.”
“Oh, of course,” she agreed, her grin charming.
Why was it that Holly’s smile always turned his insides to mush? Luc didn’t know and at the moment he didn’t care. He was content to simply be with her as the sun moved slowly over the hills. A gossamer breeze whispered across the land, tickling the lush ferns that grew beside the creek. The smell Luc could only describe as summer filled his nostrils. For the first time in many years he felt close to fulfilling his dreams.
So why didn’t it seem enough?
He was building his legacy. Soon, hopefully, Henry would live with him permanently. It was what he wanted and yet— Luc crushed that thought to focus on Holly. He understood his goal but what had changed with Holly?
“Look, Luc,” she murmured and inclined her head to the right.
A doe and a fawn stepped carefully into the glade on the far side of the creek. The mother deer studied them for several silent moments before she bent her head and began munching on the rich green grass. Her fawn wandered several feet before it, too, began eating.
“See how she won’t let her child out of her sight,” Holly said her voice barely audible. “What a wonderful mother she is.” There was something wistful in those words.
While Holly gazed at the animals, Luc focused on her. Her head, with its tumble of curls, was tilted just the tiniest bit to one side. A smile tugged at the corner of her lips. Her long arms were clasped around her knees. Luc wondered if she sat like that to contain her fervent joy in life, to keep her from jumping to her feet and rushing toward the animals.
Luc didn’t think he’d ever known anyone more lovely inside and out. Holly’s beauty made his stomach shiver. He could watch her forever. And that scared him.
“When I delivered Leah the other day, it was like a curtain pulled back and a whole new world spread out before me,” she said in a voice so quiet he had to lean closer to hear.
“Leah?” Luc asked.
Holly glanced at him once, smiled then turned her attention back to the doe and fawn.
“Leah is what I call Petra’s baby, because she reminds me of Jacob’s wife in the Bible, the one he didn’t want.” She turned her head and made a face at him. “Jacob really loved Rachel but Laban tricked him and made Leah the bride.”
“Okay.” Luc recalled the story but he didn’t understand the parallel.
“Can you imagine how Leah felt?” Holly asked. “The man who loved her sister was willing to marry her in order to get her sister for his wife. How hard it must have been to know she was so unloved, so unwanted.”
“But how does this relate to Baby Leah?” Luc asked in confusion.
“Because that’s exactly how Petra feels about Leah.”
When Holly’s eyes welled with tears, Luc’s fists clenched. He wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and comfort her. Instead, he forced himself to remain seated and await her explanation.
“She doesn’t want Leah, Luc, doesn’t even want to get to know her,” Holly continued.
The sorrow and grief lacing her voice swelled the lump in Luc’s throat, almost choking him.
“Petra has no idea what she’s giving up, let alone how this decision will affect her future,” Holly said sadly.
“But you do?” he asked, his curiosity piqued by the way she said that.
“I’m older. I—I can see what she’s in for.” Holly shot him a quick glance through her lashes.
Not that much older. Luc let it go, eager to hear what had changed.
“I go to Family Ties every day just to hold Leah.” Her awe-filled voice dropped. “Every time she lifts her golden lashes and looks at me I feel as if she’s begging me to take her home, to give her a family, to want her and love her.”
“Holly, I think it’s natural that this child draws you in.” Luc struggled to find words that would help her. But he was keenly aware that with the lowering sun, the sheltered glade grew increasingly more intimate. “You’re a loving person. You helped bring her into this world and you can’t bear to think of anyone unloved or uncared for.”
“You make me sound like a sickly sweet marshmallow.” She stuck out her tongue but the shadows in her eyes remained. “It’s more than that.”
“Tell me,” he murmured.
The way Holly looked now with the glow on her face and her shining eyes forced Luc to realize that what she was feeling lay deeply rooted in her heart. But it also forced him to admit that his feelings toward his amazing neighbor had strengthened to a deep caring he’d never expected to feel when he promised Marcus he’d watch out for Holly. That’s what made it imperative that he remain objective, helping to ease her suffering yet still protecting her from any hasty decisions.
“You’re frowning. What are you thinking?” Holly asked him.
“I’m remembering the warning you gave me when I told you I wanted to adopt Henry.” He paused. “You’re kind to want to rescue Leah, to draw her into your world so you can lavish all the love you have stored up inside.” He hated saying this part. “But will the rush of emotions you feel now sustain you through years and years of raising a child on your own, without help?”
“Without your help?” She held his gaze.
“Of course I’ll help you however I can, Holly,” Luc assured her. “Just call and I’ll be there. But in the end, you’ll be the one responsible for Leah. There would be no going back. You couldn’t change your mind.”
“I wouldn’t want to.” Holly didn’t blink.
Luc busied himself storing the leftovers from their picnic. He needed a few minutes to process her comments. Her intensity bothered him. It was as if she felt driven to adopt Leah by something more than mere emotion, as if she felt she needed this child to be whole. Was Holly telling him the whole story?
“Leah is part of my heart,” she said simply. “How could I tear that out and throw it away?” As soon as the words left her mouth she stopped, gasped and squeezed her eyes closed. A moan escaped through her pinched lips.
“Tell me.” Luc reached out and threaded his fingers with hers. “Tell me all of it.”
She opened h
er eyes and stared at him, as if assessing his trustworthiness. Then Holly did a very strange thing. She came to sit right beside him and laid her head on his shoulder.
“Could you just hold me for a minute?” she whispered.
“I can do that.” Luc slid his arm around her waist. The contact made his breath catch. A myriad of emotions whistled through him.
On one hand he wanted to draw Holly nearer, hold her closer and try to assuage whatever was bothering her. On the other hand he wanted to vault onto his horse and ride hard toward home, to escape Holly. Why? Because of the strength of his need to hold her, because of the emotions she evoked in him, because of the dreams that having her sit next to him like this engendered. Dreams he well knew he couldn’t indulge.
Luc had fought off a similar dream many times this week, knowing how pointless it was to even consider allowing Holly to be that special woman in his life. There couldn’t be a future for them. He’d seen over and over that relationships didn’t last. They led to hurt and that was the one thing he wanted to spare Holly.
“I don’t know how to explain it to you,” she whispered after a moment of silence. “From the first moment I held Leah in my arms, it was as if I knew God meant me to have her.”
“Because?” he pressed.
“I did something very bad once. Something that ever since I’ve wished I could change. But I can’t.” Her voice filled with pain. “I never can. I have to carry that guilt with me.”
“Holly—”
“No, let me go on.” She inhaled and gave him a watery smile. “Maybe it was the way her eyes locked onto me and wouldn’t let go but I could hardly stand to let go of her. When I held her, suddenly my burden of guilt rolled away.”
He couldn’t stop her, not when her voice grew hushed and reverent. “Go on.”
“She made this little mewling sound. Not a real cry. At first I thought maybe her lungs were blocked, but they weren’t.” Holly’s eyes glowed. “She cried when Dora took her, but when I held her again she didn’t make a peep.”
