by Lexi Ostrow
“I’m not sure what you mean.”
“Do you think that being similar gives us a way to connect to one another better than with the rest of the world?”
“I do. Otherwise, why bother trying to stick us together. If a Guardian could find what they needed with just anyone, we’d all have moved on by now.”
She nodded and felt the smallest bit of comfort in knowing whatever odd emotions she was feeling toward him were likely as cosmic and fantastical as they were. Not a sign of her heart setting her up for anything.
You can’t even be having these thoughts. Guardian or not, only you can choose to unfreeze your heart. Don’t let your head fool you into thinking this is something more than what it is.
The idea of caring for another man followed her through the store, distracting her even though she wasn’t too impressed with the place as they made their way through the final rows. However, she hated to admit spending time with someone who could honestly understand her was a relieving feeling. Everyone around her had tried to comfort her when Zach’s “accident” had been made public. There was just nothing they could do. They all believed he’d fallen off the Red Rock Canyon trail they were on, not that he’d been murdered. Plus, they didn’t come close to understanding the connection she’d had with Zach.
Sean would understand that. Sean did understand that.
She followed him through the remainder of the store, growing impressed with the quantity and quality of items, even if she didn’t personally see a use for such a store. When he saluted a man near the registers, she took it to mean he’d run into another friend or superior officer. She wanted to ask him. In fact, she’d wanted to ask him so much more.
“Sean?” Just as they walked outside, she put her hand on his arm, pleased he didn’t flinch away from her touch, even as she was confused that she cared about such a thing.
He looked at her with one dark brow raised but said nothing to urge her to continue.
“I want to know why you’re mad at yourself. I can’t seem to think of anything you could have done wrong.”
His sigh was barely audible over the wind. “I should be preparing for a potential deployment. Instead, I wanted to continue what we were working on. People damn well might need me, and I’m off playing show and tell.”
She reeled back as if she’d physically been slapped across the face. The tone of his voice had caught her off guard. His words, however, irked her. “You were the one who called me to move it up. You should have canceled.”
“You’re right. I should have. But I didn’t. I didn’t because a part of me still knows I owe the man in the coat everything. Despite having lost the best part of my life, I still choose life. Without him, I’d be nothing. It made me want to help him. To do this over anything else.” His words were a torrent of fury, but his expression was one of sadness, not outrage.
It was strange. Hearing him not only emote so powerfully but to understand where his sentiment was coming from. She’d shut all her emotions off such a short time ago, she wouldn’t have thought empathy would have returned in such a fast manner. But it had. She knew precisely how he felt because she agreed.
Even if she wouldn’t admit it to anyone else, she wanted to be whole again. The prospect of getting to live a full life had actually taken root in her mind after meeting Sean. He’d been the perfect partner to test it out. A man who had lost everything. A man who was a warrior. Most importantly, a man who had been looking for nothing in return beyond doing his duty.
“I understand.” The words were barely audible, a meek whisper at best because she didn’t want to admit that she was feeling anything similar. It could lead to errors in actions, she just knew it.
“I didn’t think you would do pity.” His eyes narrowed as he spoke, casting out a million judgments.
“It’s not pity. Whether you care to believe it or not, I want this to succeed. I want to think there can be a life beyond the hurt for Guardians who have lost everything. There has to be something more for us than a lifelong pit of despair that slowly sucks away everything we’ve been given.” She stood toe-to-toe with him, not even realizing she’d walked up to him as she’d spoken but acutely aware of their same height as his breath gently hit her face. “Simply because I can be caustic or that I do not wish for this to end in any sort of attachment, doesn’t mean I don’t pray it works just the same as you.”
Tension hung in the small space between their faces, growing thicker with every soundless moment that passed.
“I apologize.” He shook his head as he stepped backward, breaking whatever spell had held them close together. Running a hand through his finely buzzed dark hair, he blew out a deep breath, one that showed because it released the tautness in his body. “I’m having trouble with this. With wanting something other than doing my job.”
“It will pass.” Nothing else she could say would positively add to the conversation. Of course, she could have spun some shallow platitude or tried to tell him it was okay. Lies never did anyone any good, they merely lead to pain, and she would not engage in such behavior. They’d both had their fair share of hurt.
“Think there is a chance you’d show me around your shelter?”
He looked at his watch as he spoke, and it drew her eyes to it as well. They were always open a little later on the weekends with hope more families would be seeking out a forever friend.
But do you really want to spend more time with him?
Why wouldn’t you, a little anger is to be expected.
The internal dialogue felt silly, but she’d continued to argue with herself for a few more seconds.
“I think it would be a great idea. If you have the time and are not still bent that you are not preparing.”
His eyes shifted toward the ground, barring her from seeing any feelings in them. “I was an ass. It’s kind of a man thing. We haven’t been called in yet. My phone will be with me, and my bag is in the Jeep should it happen. Maybe a little bit of animal time will take me out of my mood. I love dogs, just couldn’t justify having one with my erratic schedule.”
“Well, now would not be the opportune time to look into one. But I agree, a small amount of unconditional love goes a long way for a bad mood.” Even mine.
7
Nothing felt normal, Marie observed as she sat in the passenger seat of the Jeep. It had been less than four hours since she’d met up with Sean, and in that time, all she’d been able to focus on was how he was triggering things in her—things she didn’t appreciate or approve of. Like her desire to make sure he was mentally all right. Or the nagging fear in the back of her mind gnawing away like a termite on wood that something could happen to him should he deploy on a dangerous mission.
Shifting her eyes so she could look at him as he drove, she couldn’t help but admire him. He was perfect. Everything about him, from his intense hawk-eyed stare to the broadness of his body, was clearly written to be an ideal fantasy. Something she couldn’t help admiring, but also found disturbing. If she looked at him and saw the devilish good looks of her dreams, did that mean people looked at her the same way? Looking into the passenger mirror, she studied her white hair and nearly transparent eyes, the sharp angles of her face and the perfect placement of her nose.
You must be the same. The thought was upsetting, yet, it was also comforting. Just one more thing she shared with another Guardian. Another sign that perhaps all those who had lost and had become lost themselves could push on if they chose too.
“What are you thinking about?” A deep voice permeated her thoughts without Sean even glancing in her direction.
He had a pleasant voice, one that would have sent shivers through her if she’d met him before Zach. Abruptly, she shook her head, scattering the ridiculous notion before she could let it fester. She wasn’t certain how much she should tell him. Secrets had never been her cup of tea, though.
“I was thinking about us.” The words held no emotion, just a statement of fact.
“What about us? Is there an us?” A smile danced in his tone.
She couldn’t help the bubble of laughter that escaped her. Something about him was endearing, even when it shouldn’t be. “Well, we are Guardians, we are sitting in this car together, and we are sort of partners. So, yes, I’d say that makes there an us.”
“Just checking. Does this mean I can’t think of you as some kind of frost queen anymore?” Again, his words held a playful tone.
“I wouldn’t go that far, soldier,” she said with a grin, still looking at herself in the side mirror. “Do you feel anything? Nothing emotional, but like a pull toward me?”
He was silent, and she turned to look at him. His eyes were still focused on the road, and the expression on his face gave no indication her words had created any unrest in him. When he finally spoke, it sounded far away, as if he were only half present at the moment with her and half in a memory only he could see.
“I do. Almost immediately. The pull I feel isn’t as burning hot as what I felt the moment I met Stacey, but it was something similar. Something I couldn’t control. I don’t do texting. Yet, we talked for hours, and I never thought twice about it. I never put anything or anyone before my duty, but I chose to see you today versus waiting dutifully by my phone and preparing. Shit, I even liked it when you likened me to a hero, something I’ve never given two shits about.” The car stopped at a red light, and he finally turned to her. His eyes were nearly unfocused as he looked at her, a soft expression forming on his lips before he clamped his mouth shut. “I don’t know any other way to describe why I’ve done what I’ve done, except to blame it on a connection. One that must be because we are what we are.”
She leaned back in the seat, letting his explanation drift over her. It was somewhat similar to what she had been experiencing, though she noticed he did leave out anything that would indicate a physical attraction toward her. Not that she minded.
“I’d truly like it to be that.” Her words were barely more audible than a whisper and nearly drowned out by whatever song was on the radio that she couldn’t place.
“Is that a way of telling me you think it might be?”
She swore the barest flicker of embarrassment snaked its way through her. As if hearing the simple implication that she was attracted to him was horrible. Which it was since she shouldn’t be able to be attracted to anyone at the present time.
“It was my way of wishing that it had something to do with us being Guardians so it would indicate that all Guardians in our situation have a much stronger chance. Whether we actually like one another or not might be moot. If what we are leads to a connection like what we had with our Word Speakers, we will one day be able to cultivate something beyond a partnership.” She realized what she said and cleared her throat. “If we were looking to. So by we, I purely mean any Guardian in our shoes. I am happy to know I can form a partnership once more. Though I have no desire to see where such an instant connection would lead beyond the completion of this little study we agreed to.”
The shelter began to come into view as he turned down the long, slightly winding driveway. It took everything in her not to exhale a sigh of relief that the conversation would end. Or she was hoping it would. She was certain the connection and interest in him was nothing more than a Guardian bond. She was also terrified that, like with her Word Speaker, the connection would grow and intensify until it consumed the ice surrounding her heart. If she allowed it too, which she wouldn’t. Sean was certainly a worthy male, and once they proved to the brother that a connection could form, she would sever what they had created.
Even if walking away from someone damn near exactly like her seemed harder than anything else she’d done. Except for losing Zach, even if you can’t remember the pain, you can’t possibly think losing a friend would be harder than losing the man you were fated to be with.
The faint crunch of gravel under tires was louder in Sean’s Jeep, but every bit as mood brightening as it was each morning when she would drive over it to go to work. The smile lighting her face was unstoppable as images of all the pups came floating through her mind. She might not remember romantic love, but she did know how to love, and these dogs were the center of her world now.
Her hand was on the belt buckle by the time Sean had shut the Jeep off, and the door opened seconds later. Jumping down, she turned to grin enthusiastically back at him.
“Your job might have been concealing fantastic things behind a bunch of dull concrete buildings, but mine has something even better in them.”
She walked around the front of the car and waited for him to do the same. The sound of barking filled her ears—something she loved nearly as much as she hated. Barking meant life, and traditionally, happy dogs. It also meant the shelter was full and dogs were without loving families.
“I can see the way this place affects you,” Sean stated rather bluntly as they walked toward the buildings.
She wasn’t certain if the comment was meant to be a compliment or an insult. “Is that a problem?”
“Not at all. It just further proves who you were before you did your people’s ritual.”
Fury erupted like a volcano as she swung to face him, stopping mere steps from the glass door leading into the reception area where they could check-in to the see dogs. “What is that supposed to mean?”
He shifted backward on his feet and put his hands up in surrender. “It just means I can see who you were. The woman who was obviously furiously passionate and strove to help anyone she could.”
His words set her off balance. She was silent as she tried to decide how to respond. It unnerved her that he could make judgments about who she used to be while dealing with who she was. She wasn’t secretive, but the idea that he could look at her and see the person she’d tried to bury was unsettling.
“That person isn’t here any longer. I will help those I can. I will fight for these animals as best as I can because they have no one else to fight for them. But I will not engage in wars that are not my own. I will not help beyond this experiment we’ve been thrown together in.” Her eyes narrowed, and she felt her skin cooling as ice began to spark from her fingertips in her rage. It took everything she had in her to remember where she was and to stop the ice from freezing the ground beneath their feet.
“For someone who shut her emotions off, the really powerful one at least, you’re a spitfire.” Amusement trickled through his words as a smirk appeared on his face.
Her body shook as she forced her anger down. That was when she realized it. Sean enjoyed getting a rise out of her. He enjoyed showing her he had a brain of his own and liked pushing her buttons.
“Almost like little boys,” she said t aloud.
“Excuse me?” His brow furrowed as he frowned.
It was her turn to smirk. “Oh, nothing at all. I’m glad you can see who I was. It means you won’t have trouble grasping what I don’t want to be again. I will not be helpless. I will not lose anyone or anything I love again.”
“You won’t have too. That’s what we are here to do for one another. To see to it we are never broken as we were.”
His words sent a shiver through her as if he’d stroked her arm or touched her soul. She heard her gasp of breath and felt the world seemingly freeze around them as Sean took a step closer, knocking the toes of his boots into her flip flops. There was no sound, save for their breathing. Every cell in her body seemed to buzz with life when Sean’s hand truly did snake around her and land gently on the small of her back. His touch was warm and welcome. There was nothing between them, save for the smallest gap, and she could feel her body leaning forward to close it. Her pupils dilated as her eyes grew wide with comprehension so intensely she could sense it.
Abruptly, she took a big step backward, snapping them from the hypotonic quality of the moment, of the look in his light brown eyes. She couldn’t deny what had occurred.
Passion.
Lust.
Emotion.
“Let m
e show you the only thing I’ll fall in love with.” She swallowed and turned to walk. “Ever again.” She moved so quickly that she almost tripped over her feet, practically racing to the door and throwing it open as if she could hide behind the glass.
His heart was racing, sending a roar of blood to his ears. He’d damn near kissed Marie. He still wanted to. Blowing out a deep breath, he looked at her just in time see her sneak through a door and slam it behind her — locking him away from her, literally and figuratively.
What in the fuck just happened? There was no answer for the question other than the obvious one. Shaking his head, he trotted after Marie, pulling open the door and blowing out a breath of relief because she hadn’t abandoned him. Instead, she stood, dangling one bright purple rope leash in each hand with a smile on her face that completely hid any emotion she must have felt when she’d dashed off.
Fine. We can both act like it didn’t happen. I don’t need to be an ice demon for that shit. Plastering a smile on his face, Zach reached out and took one of the leashes from her. “I must admit, your job already seems like more fun than mine.”
“I should say so. Though, it rathering fitting we both save beings for a living.”
She was busy pulling her white hair into a ponytail but still managed to beam at him—the happiness a pure ray of light against her generally stark expression. It changed her and made her seem almost angelic. He could feel the tiny spark of attraction flickering to life, barely a tinder, but certainly there.
Clenching his jaw, he blew out a breath through his nose before speaking, hoping the smile hadn’t faltered from his face. “Ten bucks says I can pick out which dog is your favorite.”
She inhaled sharply. “I don’t have favorites!”
“Oh, she sure does. One she’d probably adopt herself if he’s still here next week,” the woman behind the registration desk said with a smirk.
“Well, that narrows it down to male dogs.” He gently shoved her to the side. “Well, we haven’t got all day. Show me these dogs.”
