by Durjoy Datta
‘I’m in the hostel and it’s already nine. They won’t let me out now,’ she said.
‘But can I still come to your hostel? Maybe you can sneak out for five minutes? Tell them it’s your brother?’ I suggested. She said she would try.
I disconnected the line and asked Mom if I could go to Shrey’s place for an assignment we had to submit in a few days. She let me go. It was already ten when I boarded the metro and it was deserted. I tried calling her a few times, but the network in the underground sections of the metro was always suspect.
‘I am at the Delhi University metro station. Where do I come from here?’ I asked.
‘Find a rickshaw and ask him to take you to the Kamla Nagar roundabout. Call me once you get there; it’s walking distance from there,’ she instructed.
‘Fine.’
‘And Deb?’ she said. ‘I will just have a few seconds. I have told the warden that you have to collect a pen drive from me and she will be a keeping a watch. I am sorry.’
‘A few seconds are enough,’ I said and we disconnected the line.
Having found a rickshaw to take me to Kamla Nagar, I realized how scared both of us were. My skin tingled with the possibilities. Just days before, Avantika had been a mirage, an impossibility, and now, I knew I wouldn’t rest until I had her. Even as we were getting closer, we were trying to run away.
I let the rickshaw go and called her up again. She gave me the directions to her hostel. It was a two-minute walk and my heart was beating out of my chest by the time I got there. I was sweating from nerves and excitement.
‘I can see you,’ she said. I looked around to spot her and then I did. She was in a T-shirt that hung loosely over her shoulders and a pair of black shorts that were hardly visible beneath the oversized T-shirt. Her hair was open and in a beautiful mess.
‘I’m coming.’ I kept holding the phone to my ear, my eyes focused on her, my jaw dropped open.
It took her two minutes. Her warden stood at the door as she walked towards me.
‘Hi,’ she said and looked straight at me. She handed over a pen drive. ‘I’m sorry. Is she watching?’
I nodded.
‘I have to go.’
‘I wish you could stay.’
She smiled and tried reining in her unruly hair. I wanted to take her home. She was so beautiful I wanted to cry.
Just before she left, she turned and hugged me briefly. I breathed in deeply to absorb the moment. She walked away from me, only to turn back once and smile at me. Her hostel warden closed the door behind her and looked at me suspiciously.
I realized I hadn’t disconnected the call. ‘Hello? Hello? Are you there?’
‘Yes,’ she said from the other side.
‘I don’t know what to say,’ I said.
‘Are we already running out of things to say?’ she asked and chuckled.
‘How can someone think of anything to say to you? I get so nervous around you and all I can do is stare at you,’ I conceded.
‘You’re just being sweet,’ she said.
‘I am not. I can look at your face for hours and still not get enough of you. Can I see you again? I find it hard to believe that this is happening. Can you step out onto the balcony?’ I asked.
‘Why do you even want to see me like this? I am a mess!’ she protested.
‘You’re perfect.’
‘I’m not,’ she countered.
‘I would know better,’ he said. And before I could plead to her again, she appeared on the balcony, moonlight slanting off her face. I found myself short of words again.
‘Say something,’ she said.
‘I don’t know what to say. I can just sit here and stare at you for hours,’ I said and sat on the pavement next to her building. She was right in front of me, standing on the first-storey balcony. So close, yet so far. ‘I wanted to ask you something.’
‘Go ahead.’
‘I am sure a lot of guys are smitten by you … don’t say they are not. You are, by far, the prettiest girl I have ever seen, so it’s obvious that I have lost my mind. But why do you talk to me? And why did that moment happen between us?’
‘Can I ask you the last question, too? Why did that moment happen between us?’ she asked. She stood there, her gaze on me, and I had no option but to answer her. I wanted to touch her face and know it was for real.
‘I felt very sad for your grief and I blamed myself for it. You were with me and you were crying. I felt responsible,’ I answered. ‘Your turn.’
‘For the first time in years, I felt safe,’ she said. We didn’t say anything for the next few minutes. We kept looking at each other wordlessly. She broke the silence after a few minutes and said, ‘I have seen prettier girls than me.’
‘I have not and I don’t think I want to.’
She laughed and I laughed with her.
The phone call lasted a full seven hours. I would blank out in the middle of the conversation and she would ask me to stop staring at her. I would tell her that it wasn’t really my fault and she would blush and thank me for being so sweet. And I would tell her I had no idea how people could be anything but sweet to her. We talked till the early morning. She made coffee for herself and threw me a packet of biscuits. I was her puppy after all.
I wanted to know everything about her and though she was annoyed by my questions, she kept answering them. She had lived her life in extremes. She had had her share of alcohol binges and being stoned for days, of reckless boyfriends and countless flings and soured relationships. She hated her parents and her parents weren’t very fond of her either. Her parents’ whole family’s prestige seemed to be wrapped around her getting married young. They never supported her dreams of being anything worthwhile; all they cared about was finding a rich enough businessman for her. Avantika had one aim in life—to be successful on her own some day and run away from her parents. That was the reason she now slogged and took academics very seriously. She was taking the CAT that year but her parents didn’t know she had plans to study after her graduation.
Our conversation shifted to our relationships and I realized I didn’t want to know anything about the other guys in her life.
She told me that Paritosh dumped her because she refused to have sex with him and I told her I couldn’t care less. Every time she counted a guy she had kissed, and she had kissed many, she got me writhing in fits of frenzy that would end up with her trashing the guy as a drunken bastard.
‘But why did you kiss him?’ I asked agitatedly as I jumped up from the pavement below. I was banging my clenched fist in the air. I already felt cheated.
‘Deb? I was stoned. Do you know what that means? I didn’t know what was happening.’
‘Didn’t know what was happening? You could have pulled back. Why continue kissing him?’ I asked.
‘I didn’t know why I did it. I guess you have to be high to experience that!’ she chortled. I knew I didn’t have to look at her because if I did, I would forget everything.
‘You enjoyed it, didn’t you?’ I said. I was in pain now. I wanted to see if I was any different from the other guys she had kissed.
‘What do you want to hear?’
‘Something that is not too hard for me to take. Something that makes me feel better.’ My heart was sinking. I would have liked a negative answer rather than the choice.
‘I didn’t remember anything of it the next morning. I am a different person when I am sloshed. And I don’t think he was good enough anyway.’ She chuckled again.
‘Good enough? Who has been good enough for you then?’
‘You! You wanted me to say that, didn’t you?’ she chuckled yet again.
‘Yes, why not? That is why you didn’t call me up? Is that why it took you a week to call me up? Because I was good? Blah,’ I said, hoping she would beg to disagree.
‘Deb, I had heard a lot about you. I thought it didn’t matter to you. And remember, I kissed you when I was sober. That is a first for me, if it means anything
to you. And I didn’t regret it, unlike the other times. Plus, I had already embarrassed myself enough.’
‘It meant a lot to me. I am glad we met that day,’ I said, still irritated.
‘Does Smriti know anything about me?’ she asked, after a few seconds of silence.
‘No, and I don’t care. If I did, I wouldn’t be here at four in the morning, beneath your balcony, talking to you. I like you a lot and her being there doesn’t make a difference to me.’
‘It does, Deb. She loves you. It doesn’t feel right. I already feel I am doing something that I shouldn’t. At least tell her.’
‘I can’t tell her. She won’t understand. But I want to know something from you. I know it’s a little too premature, but do you think there is any possibility that you might be as smitten some day as I am today? That’s all I really care about and I am willing to wait.’
‘Some day? Yes. But Smriti loves you now. Go back to her,’ she said. Her voice sounded as tragic as she looked that day.
‘I would rather wait for that some day,’ I said. We disconnected the call after a little while. It was nearly five and her warden had spotted me loitering outside. She asked me to leave and I did.
I was sleepy but I couldn’t get over the night I had spent on the pavement looking at the most stunning girl I had ever seen.
That day onwards, we talked for hours on end. The amazingly long phone calls under Avantika’s balcony became a routine. The only part that killed me was when I had to leave early in the morning before her warden woke up and the woman woke up really early.
It was almost unbelievable for me to know she wanted to talk to me every day. Delhi University exams were about to begin, but she didn’t make me feel so. After the third day, it was assumed I would land up outside her hostel and call her. We had decided we would meet ‘in person’ after her exams got over. She told me she wouldn’t be able to think about anything else if she were to hug me or get close to me again. So we stuck to the balcony-and-pavement routine. She told me she found it extremely cute that I came to see her every day. How could I have not?
Seeing her every day was incredible. We never told each other that we were in love. She had been dumped for another girl by Paritosh and she didn’t want me to do the same to Smriti. I was sure about what I felt, but I didn’t know about her.
All that time, we had paid no heed to Tanmay’s and Vernita’s incessant warnings and frequent checks on us. Tanmay had categorically told me to stay away from his sister, come hell or high water. He never forgot to give me ‘the look’ whenever he crossed me in college. We both admitted it was fun throwing them off track. We haven’t talked since that day—that was what I told Vernita whenever she asked me about Avantika.
For Smriti, it was getting tougher. I didn’t do well in the sixth semester exams. I kept ‘slipping’ into extremely bad moods and tempers frequently. I advised Smriti to leave me alone.
But Avantika kept making me feel bad about what I was doing to Smriti. All my efforts in explaining that it was Smriti who wasn’t doing much for the relationship fell on deaf ears. Though I admit, I didn’t have much to explain.
The wait finally came to an end when Avantika’s examinations came to an end and we decided to actually see each other face-to-face without a road or a building separating us. Though I had been seeing her for the last many days, the idea of her walking next to me was unnerving. We were both a little apprehensive because of the number of people who didn’t want us to meet.
But the problem was not Smriti; the big stumble was Shawar, her boyfriend. Academic brilliance being the last of his attributes, Shawar was doing a BA (Pass) course in Shivaji College, which barely kept him busy, giving him ample time to surround himself with equally rich, powerful, wasted guys. He slept through the day and partied through the night, and found time to immerse himself in ultra-nasty brawls and fights, some of which even made it to local newspapers.
In spite of him, we decided to go on a night-out. We knew we wouldn’t get enough time if she were to sign into her hostel after our little date. She told me we could go over to her place, the place where Tanmay and Vernita used to stay over after their night-outs, after we were done. I had no complaints.
‘Where are you?’ Shawar asked, as she put him on loudspeaker. It hadn’t even been fifteen minutes since we had got together. I was still getting used to her presence when he called.
‘Where else? Hostel,’ she said as her face contorted with irritation. I could tell from her face she had never liked him.
‘Don’t fuck with me. I called up at the hostel. You aren’t there.’
‘Shawar, they can’t transfer the call if you call up at ten in the night,’ she said as she asked me to go on. The movie was about to start. I wasn’t interested in the movie.
‘Then show up. I am standing outside your hostel. Come to your balcony. I am not going till you come out.’
Her face contorted until it reached an irresistible degree of cuteness. ‘Shawar, I was kidding, I am at my guardians’ place. They called me over for dinner.’
‘Never mind. I will be there in half an hour. Let’s see whether you are there. I am leaving right now.’
‘Shawar, don’t you dare do that. They won’t let you in through the society gate and I don’t want you within a mile’s radius of the society,’ she shrieked.
‘They won’t let me in? Me? They won’t let Shawar in? I think you’re forgetting who I am. Nobody can touch me!’ he roared.
‘This is the last time we are talking if you come inside the society gate and I mean it,’ she shouted, feigning anger.
‘This is so fucking great. I thought I should have been angry right now. But just tell me one thing. Why have you been talking to this guy, Debashish, for hours?’
‘I don’t think I need to tell you that,’ she said in the angriest tone possible and still managing to wink at me and bite her lips seductively. God knew what she wanted. She didn’t want me to cheat on Smriti—she always tried to brush me off when I would try being naughty over the phone—but she had no problems flirting with me. I knew it was all in good humour but my hormones didn’t know that and neither did my heart. As Sean Kingston sang, Damn all these beautiful girls!
‘Yes you do. When you don’t pick up a single call from me for days, you so fucking definitely do. Will you tell me where you are? Just fucking tell me.’ His anger was palpable.
‘Shawar, you swear once more and I will never talk to you. Anyway, I am getting a call. Bye and don’t you dare call me. I am going to sleep. Love you,’ she switched the call to another call she had to answer.
‘Hi, Tanmay … yes … hostel … yes … sure … bye …’ she hung up.
‘Why did you get so paranoid? I don’t think he would have driven down to Greater Kailash just to see you wave from the window,’ I said as she rejected another call from Shawar. I didn’t think anyone else would love her as much as I did.
‘First, he doesn’t drive. He has a million friends who for some inexplicable reason tirelessly drive him around the city. Second, he had his friends drive him to Chandigarh once, just to do that.’
‘How does he know about me?’
‘You? He probably knows about your whole family tree by now. I have some qualified boyfriends, Deb. They know a lot of right people. You are a baby, Deb. You have a lot to learn,’ she said, as she pulled me into the auditorium. She hated to miss the trailers, as she told me later.
She was the man of the date that night. She decided the places we went to, she knew the people and she knew the routes. Everywhere we went we were given privileged treatment. I loved being taken care of. She had been nocturnal for years now and knew a lot of people. Everyone knew her. It’s hard to forget a face as beautiful as hers.
‘Why don’t you just tell him? That you guys are over and you have found me.’
‘It wouldn’t be too good for your health. He is an uneducated brash bastard. You never know what he might end up doing. He is nuts, Deb.
’
I didn’t quite like that feeling but I loved the way she trashed her ex-boyfriend. The other boyfriend. The one who had all her call details and was waiting to tear me apart.
‘So you are officially two-timing me?’ I asked her.
‘You can say that … and you are no different,’ she said poking her finger in my cleavage. Yes, I had one.
‘Damn! We missed the trailers,’ I said. ‘Have we started dating?’
She just winked at me and I stood there, frozen and confused. I had fallen in love with that wink too, like I had with every mannerism of hers.
The movie was awful. Probably that’s why half the audience ended up watching us instead. Avantika kept showing them her middle finger. Our innocence during the days I talked to her, watched her from a distance went out of the window as soon as she sat next to me in the movie. It wasn’t premeditated, and I didn’t know we would make out, or even kiss, but we did and we did it with a vengeance. Until now, when I kissed her again, I had no idea I wanted her so badly. Avantika was a great kisser, her tongue worked wonders, and so did my hands. The movie ended a little too soon. Or so we felt. We were embarrassed at how much we clawed and bit into each other during the movie. We were all over each other and it was spectacular.
‘Where to?’ I asked. I just wanted to make sure. After what happened in the movie hall, just the thought of the two of us in a room sent tingles down my spine. I had to keep reminding myself that it was happening for real.
‘I don’t think that needs an answer. Let’s go.’
She hadn’t changed her mind. My face flushed with all the blood from my veins rushing forth. The third and the last click on the door of her house set my pulse racing.
Chapter 10
I was trying not to be nervous, more so because she clearly was not. Her transformation from a tragic beauty to a dirty-past-devil-may-care one had been quick, unexpected and thanked for. I didn’t know whether I liked the beautiful messy girl on the balcony more, or the girl who just blew me away inside the movie hall.
