Damaged

by Jody Holford

  He grabbed a cloth and shook his head. “Physically or verbally, no. I think part of their relationship is just old school. They have strong beliefs about right and wrong and roles. The man is the head of the family, and the wife takes care of him and his needs. But I do think he’s made her dependent on his opinions and decisions. For whatever reason, she doesn’t feel strong enough to go against what he says or decrees. Maybe it’s a type of emotional abuse because he keeps her from reaching out to you or to me, but it’s also a choice on her part,” Noah shared, voicing the opinion he’d been forming for some time now. “Still, I think that it’s more a generational thing, fostered by the culture of Utah, than abuse. She just has to be willing to push back a little.”

  Natalie brought the salad to the table then began cleaning up the counter.

  “I would think that, after thirty-five years of marriage, that can’t be an easy step,” she mused.

  “No. Which is why you should phone her. Let her know you’re okay,” he said, bringing their conversation back to the start. She nodded her head but didn’t say anymore on the topic. Noah felt he was getting especially good at this push-retreat thing he had going on with the two women in his life. If he could really even say that Maddi was “in his life.” She and Natalie shared many similarities, but there were stark differences as well. As Nat chatted about rejoining Facebook and looking into night classes, he realized one of the biggest differences was, despite the close proximity of their ages, Maddi seemed years older emotionally. Nat wore her heart on her sleeve, which made it easy to crush.

  “Just be careful with your privacy settings, okay?” Noah said. Nat gave him an “I know” look that made him grin. He grabbed the steaks before he opened the sliding door to his deck. The deck was the highlight of his house. It had been his first project when he’d moved in, and it turned out better than he’d hoped. Long, dark stained planks heading away from the house made it look bigger. Big enough to entertain several people, it offered a view of his yard and the surrounding woods. It was a great place to unwind at the end of a long day with the moon shining overhead and quiet blanketing him.

  Noah hadn’t been lonely, in any way, since he’d moved to Denver. By the time he’d broken it off with his girlfriend, he’d already made friends. Never one to be shy, his easy going personality made him different from his family. It definitely wasn’t a trait that ran in the family. He didn’t mind living away from his family. In fact, for the first few years, it’d been like surfacing after being under the water for far too long. It was a relief; freedom.

  Growing up in a strict Mormon home, every lesson learned had scripture to back it up. His father was particularly fond of quoting said scripture when he thought his kids strayed too close to his invisible lines. Their childhood was fine. They were loved and cared for by both parents, but their lives were about boundaries and faith and not testing either. Like most teenagers would, Noah wanted to push those boundaries and pursue a little impiety. There was no anger toward the lifestyle he’d grown up with. It just wasn’t difficult to walk away from. Now, sitting here with Nat, he wished he hadn’t cut the ties so easily. Maybe it hadn’t hurt their relationship but he couldn’t stop thinking that, somehow, his presence would have prevented the emotional and physical abuse she’d endured. The smoke billowed into his face as he pulled the steaks off the grill.

  “Are you even listening?” Natalie asked, pulling him back into the conversation.

  She sat at the small table he had bought last summer. There was a slight breeze washing over them but, mostly, the night was perfect. His place was bordered by trees, which gave the illusion that he didn’t live in a crowded suburb. Sitting across from her, Noah put the steaks between them.

  “No,” he replied honestly, smiling at the look of irritation on her face. He cut into the steak and sighed. Damn good steak.

  “Nice.” Her lips pursed and he had to laugh that at twenty-four she could still pout. “Don’t pout. What’d you say?” he asked around a mouthful of meat.

  “I was saying it might be a good idea for me to come in three or four mornings a week.”

  “You don’t have to do that, Nat. I wanted to make it an easy transition for you. Working from home makes the most sense,” he said softly. She stopped eating and reached across the table to take his hand. He squeezed hers affectionately.

  “I don’t want you to get all mad when I say this, okay?” she told him, looking him straight in the eye even though she was clearly uncomfortable.

  Noah tensed. “Just say it.”

  “Lyle didn’t want me to leave the house. Like ever. Not at first, but by the end, it was just expected that I didn’t go anywhere. When Dr. Mason asked me to make a list of attainable goals, the first one I wrote was that I want to do normal things again. Things like getting up and getting ready for work. Going to work. Coming home after work.”

  She released his hand, and he hoped she didn’t feel the anger pulsing through it. He tried to keep his face expressionless and just nodded in understanding. Anger churned in his stomach, wrecking his appetite.

  “I want to help you do whatever you need to do to feel like yourself again,” Noah said gruffly. He couldn’t imagine her being so scared of someone she wouldn’t leave the house without permission.

  “I know you do. You are. Offering me the job was awesome and I’m excited. I want to do a good job and I think, especially at first, it would be better, for both of us, if I’m actually in the office being your assistant,” she said brightly.

  He could probably bench press her if he tried and yet, he couldn’t help feeling like, of the two of them, she was the stronger one. He decided not to say that doing it her way would allow him to keep a closer eye on her.

  “Okay. Then don’t be late.” He smiled, digging back into his steak. Would the need to make up for not being there ever fade? Or would it always be part of him, a splinter stuck in his heart, a reminder of how he’d failed?

  The sun was setting when Maddi finished her run. Despite being a creature of habit, she didn’t have an actual routine for each day. When the walls closed in on her, a design irritated her, or she just needed fresh air, she threw on her gear and got out. Being able to do that whenever she needed to gave her a sense of control and power. Things her mother had both craved and lacked. Maddi shook her head, unhappy with how often she’d thought of the past lately. Sometimes, when the memories were especially vivid, she could smell vanilla and honey in the air. Her mother always used a homemade almond butter scrub and the scent was still one of Maddi’s favorites, though she couldn’t bring herself to use it. As she looked down to pull the key from inside the zipper of her running pants, two strong hands gripped her arms. Though not usually jumpy, another skill she’d worked hard at, she jerked at being stopped. Her head snapped up, and she came face to face with Noah’s smile.

  In her opinion, it was a flaw. The smile drew her in and made her want more. It was like really decadent chocolate. Something she shouldn’t be left alone with Noah was beginning to fit into the same category. An indulgence.

  “Hey there,” he said casually, keeping his hands light on her arms. His fingers pressed into her skin in a way that made her heartbeat scramble. Maddi was sweaty and felt a moment of self-consciousness, but he didn’t notice.

  “Hi,” she replied, easily side-stepping his grasp.

  “You were running?”

  Maddi smirked. “I thought you were in construction,” she said and walked toward the door. Despite her cooldown, her pulse raced.

  Noah walked beside her. “I am. Why?”

  “Well, with your powerful observation skills, I thought maybe you’d become a detective,” she said.

  His eyes widened. “Smartass.”

  Then he laughed. His laugh was going onto the flaw list as well. It was happy and carefree and made her want to feel the same way.

  “Among other things,” she agreed. They were almost at the door when his hand grasped her arm again. Looking
down at the point of contact, then up into his insanely blue eyes, she arched her eyebrow. The heat and pressure of his touch stayed, even when he dropped his hand, a look of amusement on his face.

  “How are you, Maddi?”

  “I’m well, Noah. How are you?”

  She wasn’t used to someone pursuing her attention, at least not as an adult. She’d had a total of two dates in her life, both when she was sixteen. They’d been enough to last her a lifetime without any more. Yet, here she was, engaging in another conversation with a man she found equal parts charming and annoying. And dangerously sexy.

  “I’m good. Really good. Just dropping Nat off. She came to my place for dinner. I grilled some steaks,” he said.

  She didn’t want to exchange pleasantries. But she couldn’t be rude. “That sounds lovely.”

  “You like steak?”

  Her heartbeat slowed, but confusion twisted her stomach into knots. “Um … yes.”

  “I could make you a steak.”

  “I don’t eat after I run.”

  He laughed from deep in his belly, and she wanted to reach out and touch the light-hearted sound of it.

  “I didn’t mean now,” he said, smiling at her. He reached to push a strand of hair that had fallen from her ponytail behind her ear.

  Maddi raised her own hand and did it herself. She blushed and felt silly, but it was his fault for throwing her off with his smile and his laugh and his always showing up. Maddi hated being flustered, and it was almost impossible not to around him. Which was why she shouldn’t be around him.

  “Aw. Don’t go like that. I’m just teasing you,” Noah said when she stepped around him to unlock the door.

  “I need a shower,” she replied haughtily. His eyes heated as they ran over her in a quick glance. Without even touching her, Noah Evans threw her off.

  “Hmm,” he said, holding her gaze.

  His gaze was all consuming. He wouldn’t be a man she could hide her secrets from. That, in itself, should have made her run. She didn’t though. She stared back, showing herself she could control the butterflies in her stomach and the stampede in her heart. Holding his stare made her feel like they were standing closer than they were. The thought reminded her of illusions and the dream she’d had about her mom. About the colorful bruises. Maddi looked away.

  “Though, if I remember correctly, it’s your turn to feed me,” he said quietly.

  “I don’t believe I ever made such an arrangement with you.”

  “True. But good manners dictate that since I fed you, you should feed me.”

  “You showed up at my home.”

  “You’re welcome to show up at mine.”

  She shook her head in disbelief, clenched her fists at her side. The key dug into her palm. He talked circles around her and made her feel like she was chasing her own tail.

  “You’re next to impossible. You know that right?” He smiled like she’d complimented him.

  “It’s part of my charm,” he answered, making her choke out a laugh.

  “I think you need a second opinion.” She couldn’t help smiling at him and the ridiculousness of the conversation.

  “So, what night works for you?”

  Maddi ground her teeth together then spoke slowly. “Why do you keep pushing?”

  “You fascinate me. And you’re really hot.”

  “Hot. So you’re physically attracted to me.”

  “It’s more than that. And yes, hot. Good looking. Stunning. Gor—”

  “Okay. I get it. I get it.”

  She considered him, leaning against the building, not a care in the world, looking very pleased with himself. If she was being honest with herself, and she tried to be, she had been feeling lonely and a bit antsy lately. Noah amused her, made her laugh, and she felt surprisingly comfortable around him. She rarely felt the impulse to spend time with anyone, and the fact that she was inclined to do so with Noah made her think that she should. That, maybe, she could.

  “Tomorrow night,” she said before she could rethink it. He looked as surprised as she felt.

  “Tomorrow night,” he agreed, his eyes surprised and serious, his smile somehow softer. “Can I bring anything?”

  “No. As you said, you fed me last time,” she replied. He held her gaze a moment longer, almost as though he were giving her the chance to retract her offer. She didn’t. This was her choice and that made it different. He gave her one last smile that made her insides dance before he turned to leave. Like a fool, she watched him walk away, unsure of what she’d just gotten herself into. Nothing you can’t handle. Hopefully.

  Chapter 7

  “It doesn’t change anything,” Maddi assured herself as she stared at the screen She had yet to hit ‘send’ on the email to accept the offer from Seamless. Pushing back from the small desk in the corner of her bedroom, Maddi stretched. A break would help. And some iced tea. Sunlight bathed the kitchen and living area, making her squint as she pulled out a glass and a large canister of crystals.

  The weather was getting warm. It would be her first summer in Denver, and she was looking forward to doing a bit of hiking and checking out the lakes. The Rocky Mountains closed her in on all sides, like a cocoon of strength and grandeur. Up close, or closer, they’d be magnificent. Her family had lived in Nevada. Not the greatest state to grow up in when your parents were self-indulgent and easily tempted by bright lights and booze. Though every city offered debauchery, if someone knew where to look. They had lived just outside of Las Vegas in a town like any other. When things were good, they were a standard American family like any other: two loving parents, two children, a family pet here and there, and a denial of the dysfunction that reared its ugly head when least expected.

  Maddi added an extra spoonful of powder to her glass before pouring water over it. The spoon clinked against the glass as she stirred. Her mind swirled like the tea. Maddi always thought of her family like one of those two-sided storybooks. One side had the princess, while the other had the evil witch. Both sides were captivating, but the truth lay somewhere in the middle of both stories. No one side is completely accurate.

  Maddi had never been a fan of the typical fairy tales. Instead, she wished someone would write the story of what happened after. Did Cinderella stay happily married? Was being out of the tower everything Rapunzel thought it would be? Did Ariel ever resent Eric for taking her away from her mermaid family? But ‘after’ didn’t make for a good story. A good story had a handsome prince with eternal love and a beautiful princess with an ever-present innocence.

  One side of the Brooks’ storybook was just like that. The other side, however, held all of the secrets and half-truths. It told a story of cover-ups and trips to the emergency room. The story of broken promises and lousy attempts to do better. To Maddi, the two sides were fiction and nonfiction. Their family had been very good at only sharing one side.

  “Whoa, what happened to your mom’s cheek?” Elaina asked as Maddi waved good-bye and walked up the path to their classroom door.

  She hated when her mom dropped her off and didn’t see why she couldn’t just walk with the neighborhood kids. She’d bit her tongue when her dad said that it was their job to make sure she was safe and that meant a ride to school.

  “She was playing basketball with some friends and took an elbow to the face,” Maddi replied with equal amounts of ease and unease. She might be used to lying, but that didn’t make it feel any better. She was always waiting for someone, anyone, to call her on what she said. The bell had rung so they made their way into Mrs. Henry’s grade five classroom, and Maddi breathed a sigh of relief. Six hours of normal.

  “Your mom plays basketball?” Elaina asked. She tugged her sweater over her head and hung it on the peg. Grade fives were too cool to wear jackets.

  “Yeah,” Maddi answered, hoping she didn’t have to say anything else.

  “Man. That’s so cool. My mom does weird aerobics on the TV. It’s kind of gross to watch. You’re so lucky your
mom doesn’t do that,” Elaina laughed.

  Maddi nodded her head and thought, Yeah, so lucky.

  Anger pulled her back into the present. Why was she thinking about this? She wiped the tears that had trailed down her cheek. It took conscientious effort on her part to not think about her family. About any of it. She spent years of her life in the middle of it, absorbed in the chaos. Lost inside of it like a giant, gaping sinkhole. Group therapy, individual therapy, and self-help therapy—none of it changed the truth. In the end, the healing came from pushing those thoughts far into the recesses of her mind. A new story altogether—one she’d write herself, knowing her sanity depended on locking the others away. Only she got to say how this story went. It was up to her. That thought provided a moment of clarity. Before she could second guess herself, she returned to her laptop and pressed the ‘send’ button.

  Noah laughed at himself. He’d left home at nineteen without a backward glance. He’d traveled, been with more than his fair share of women, started his own company, and bought a home. Not one of those things had made him nervous. Yet, standing outside Maddi and Nat’s building trying to decide if he should use his front door key was not only making him second guess himself, it was making him sweat a little. It’s not like this was his first date. Hell, he hadn’t even stressed on his first date. This was different though, and he recognized the importance Maddi’s invitation. While he was laid back, sometimes to a fault, he wasn’t an idiot. He knew this mattered and didn’t want to fuck it up.

  “Don’t use the key.”

  He rang her apartment and heard the surprise in her voice that he had done so. Happy with his decision, a clutch of daisies in his hand, he took the elevator up and knocked on her door. He heard her unlatch the chain. Silence. Then she was there in front of him, and his heart skipped so fast it should have doubled his nerves. Oddly enough, it didn’t. Seeing her settled him, regardless of his mood or his day. Maddi smiled, genuinely, and he figured it was a good thing she couldn’t read his mind or she would realize just how much he wanted her and not just physically.