Damaged

by Jody Holford

  “I was going to order a pizza. You staying?”

  “I’m not turning down pizza,” Ryan answered, leaning a jean-clad hip on the counter.

  “I can’t let her go. I can’t get stop thinking about her, and there’s nothing I can do to help her. Help either of them.”

  “Sure there is.”

  Noah picked up the phone but waited for Ryan to continue before he called for pizza.

  “You do what you’re doing. You wait. Then you be there for them when they need you.”

  Noah huffed out a breath. His chest was still tight, but not as much as earlier. “I can do that.”

  “Good. Now quit whining and order some food.”

  Since there was nothing else he could do right this minute and he was starving, he flashed his middle finger and dialed the number.

  Maddi put her hand on the door knob, changed her mind, and flopped down on the couch. “This is ridiculous. It’s a movie. Across the hall.” With the sister of the man she missed horribly. How was it even possible to miss someone she’d only been away from a week? Six weeks ago she hadn’t even known him and now her days dragged without his smile and his voice. True to his word, he had left and left her alone. “Just like you wanted.”

  It was what she wanted, and all week she had been able to return to her predictable routine. She had an entire shelf of product ready for Seamless thanks to the extra time she had. All of her current orders were finished ahead of schedule. Without unexpected visitors, Maddi had watched an entire season of Gilmore Girls and finished a book. “A perfect week.” Even as she said it, tears threatened. Perfect, except for the nagging ache that wouldn’t fade. Like the body pain that came with the flu, but this pain just stayed in her chest—constant pressure.

  When she had crossed paths with Natalie yesterday in the hallway, Maddi had a surge of happiness that convinced her she didn’t have to completely revert. Now that she had emerged from her self-imposed sentence of solitary, she didn’t want to go back entirely. When Natalie had asked her to come over for a movie, Maddi said “yes.”

  “And now you’re sitting here like the new kid at school, scared to make friends.” A role she’d played before, but she didn’t want to think about that now. Forcing herself off the couch, Maddi walked to the door quickly, flipped the lock, pulled the chain, and swung it open before she could change her own mind. She practically stomped to Natalie’s door. Only after she knocked did she expel air out of her lungs.

  “You came,” Natalie said, looking entirely pleased.

  “I said I would,” Maddi reminded them both. “Thank you for inviting me.”

  Natalie smiled. “Don’t be so formal. Come in. I’m making popcorn.”

  Maddi followed her in and was happy to see that Natalie closed and locked the door behind them. The apartment smelled delicious, and Maddi realized she was hungry for the first time in a week. There was popcorn in a cheery yellow bowl on the counter, and Nat moved to the fridge.

  “Want a soda?”

  “Sure.”

  While different from Noah in many ways, Natalie didn’t seem to mind the awkwardness that consumed Maddi. It never bothered Noah either. In the living room, Maddi pictured Noah, settling in on her couch like he belonged there. The pain in her chest came back with a force, making her gasp.

  “You okay?” Natalie’s eyes showed her concern as she put her pop and popcorn down.

  “I’m … fine. I’m…what are we watching?”

  “I got Something Borrowed. Have you seen it?”

  A genuine smile tugged at Maddi’s lips. The pain in her chest receded as she sat down in the corner of the couch, and tucked her feet under her, telling herself it would be okay. “No. I haven’t.” It wasn’t as difficult as she had thought it would be to lean back on the couch and munch on popcorn. They talked a bit through the movie, agreed that the lead male was very yummy—Natalie’s words, not hers. Natalie didn’t mention Noah, though Maddi was certain she knew they weren’t spending time together. Maddi didn’t bring him up either, but it didn’t stop her from thinking about him. Nothing could stop that. It struck her that while she couldn’t get him off her mind. She hadn’t fallen apart or stopped functioning. She was living. Breathing seemed harder, but she was doing it. Natalie chuckled about something on the screen, and Maddi smiled at her.

  “You need anything?” Natalie asked.

  “No. Thank you. I’m okay.” She was starting to believe that she actually was.

  “Did you fire him?” Noah asked, polishing off another slice of pizza. Between them, they’d managed to eat a large pepperoni. Ryan had lost the coin flip to see who paid.

  “Nah. I need him until I find someone else. Besides, he’s young. I scared the shit out of him. Told him I was writing him up and he was on probation until further notice,” Ry answered, leaning back on Noah’s couch and putting his feet up on the footstool. Ryan owned a landscaping business, and the new kid he hired had screwed up almost every job he’d been given so far. The latest one involving the improper installation of an expensive sprinkler system.

  “You’re too nice, man,” Noah said. He’d said it many times but of all the flaws for a guy to have, it was a good one in a close friend. Noah grabbed the pizza box, and Ryan threw his wadded up paper towel at him.

  “Kid has to learn somehow,” Ryan returned, leaning farther back, clicking the TV onto ESPN.

  Ten years of friendship had made them as close as brothers. After tossing the pizza box and taking out the trash, he grabbed a couple of cans of cola and joined Ryan to watch March Madness. He could see why Natalie liked to be busy. It left less time for feeling sorry for himself.

  “Shit! I have money riding on this.” Ryan groused, leaning forward in his seat so he could glare at the TV.

  “Win some, you lose some.”

  “Really? That’s your take on it lover boy?”

  “Shut up, Ry.”

  Ryan pushed to his feet, picked up his car keys and cell phone, and then tucked his wallet into his back pocket. “Dude. Just go get her.”

  “Just like that?”

  “It’s what I did with Jenna,” Ryan told him sagely while walking toward the front door. Noah followed behind him.

  “I thought you and Jenna broke up.”

  “Yeah, but before that.”

  Noah laughed and slapped his friend on the back. After saying good night and shutting the door, he went back to the living room. Even with the television in the background, the house felt too silent. Flipping channels, Noah went back to the game and watched without seeing it. Sighing, he tossed the remote to the other end of the couch. There was no reason he couldn’t go see his sister. Convinced that was all he wanted, Noah got up and grabbed his car keys and phone. Just going to see Natalie. Nothing else. No one else.

  Noah knocked softly on Natalie’s door. He checked his watch and saw it was only nine thirty but wondered if he should have called.

  “Hey,” Natalie said, opening the door with the chain still attached. She shut it briefly then opened it back up.

  “Hey. I was restless. I needed to get out and thought I’d see what you were up to,” he said, kissing her cheek. Then he noted the Chinese take-out containers. “You order from Ming’s?”

  “Yeah. It was good.”

  Nat looked at him strangely, and he had a flash of discomfort.

  “Do you have somebody here?” he asked, lowering his voice. Guilt flashed on her face, and he started for the living room.

  “Noah, wait—”

  He didn’t want to wait. How could she start dating and not even say anything to him? What he saw stopped him short. Nat ran into his back.

  “She fell asleep before it was over. Either she’s tired or she didn’t like the movie.”

  Maddi was curled into the corner of the couch, her head resting on one of the cushions with her eyes shut. She was breathing softly. Noah’s heart tried to jump out of his chest, almost like it recognized her and couldn’t contain itself.
She looked so peaceful when she slept. The constant concern she thought she hid, the worry that always clouded her eyes or had her tapping her fingers, had vanished.

  Natalie poked a finger into his back. “You going to just stare at her?”

  “Maybe.”

  “I like her so don’t mess this up.”

  He turned to look at her and saw she was only half joking. “I’m trying not to,” he admitted.

  “Okay, well, I’m going to go get ready for bed.” Nat smiled, adding, “I’ll lock up after you get her home. You can get her home, right?”

  Noah nodded in response but didn’t take his eyes off Maddi as Natalie made her way down the hall and to her bedroom. Maddi looked so serene he almost didn’t want to wake her. His eyes drank her in, and the sight of her rehydrated his soul. Whatever happened, he couldn’t lose her. If he did, he would lose the best part of himself. Crouched down, Noah stroked her hair back from her pale face. She stirred as he put his hands under her. Her body was warm and fit against him perfectly when he stood.

  She murmured, turned her head into him. “No. It’s cold out, Mama. Just leave me here, please.”

  Everything about her broke his heart and put him back together as a different man. “Maddi,” he whispered close to her ear and unintentionally startled her. She jumped a bit and he came close to dropping her. “Hey. Relax. It’s okay, honey. It’s just me.”

  Blurry eyes stared up at him. “Noah.”

  “Uh, yeah.”

  She blinked herself awake and looked at him with confusion knitting her forehead. “Why are you carrying me?”

  “You fell asleep. I came to see Natalie.” Noah frowned. “That’s a lie. I wanted to see you and came here first to work up some courage.”

  “I can walk.” She smiled shyly, sleepily.

  “But then I’d have to let you go.” He spoke quietly and her eyes lost any trace of sleepiness. His breath hitched, waiting for her response.

  In a quiet voice, she said, “I don’t want you to do that.” Those simple words reached in and healed him.

  “Thank God.”

  He closed his mouth over hers and she wrapped her arms around his neck, arched up into him as he held her and whispered his name. Noah pulled back slightly so he didn’t walk into a wall with her, and they made it to her apartment door before he struggled. He refused to put her down, which caused some shifting and shuffling until she finally had to unlock her door while he just held her. When she wouldn’t stop giggling, he kicked the door shut with his foot and walked to her couch, dropping her down before covering her with his body. The giggling stopped. With both hands, Noah smoothed her hair back from her face so he could see every inch of it.

  Despite his racing pulse, everything inside of him calmed. “I miss you. Tell me what to do— so I don’t have to be without you.”

  Maddi half laughed- half sobbed and framed his face with her hands. “You let me go.”

  And it had sucked. “I gave you time.”

  “I didn’t break. Or fall apart. I’m okay.”

  He put his forehead on hers and closed his eyes, breathed in the familiar scent of her hair. “I’m not.” When he opened his eyes, hers were wet and her smile was so sweet he couldn’t speak.

  “You let me go and you came back. I’m okay without you.”

  Even though she leaned up and kissed him when she said it, the words hurt and he knew his face didn’t hide it when their eyes locked. Something was ripping inside of him, and he needed to back up. He started to pull away but she hung onto him and wrapped her leg around his, anchoring him to her.

  “But I’m better with you,” she blurted with a wide, reassuring smile.

  Noah couldn’t talk. This woman stole his breath, his words, and his heart. Quite simply, she wrecked him, in the best possible way.

  Noah’s mouth came down on hers greedily and all the little pieces she had torn herself into moved back together, made her whole. The panic of how much she wanted and needed him was still there, but it lay beneath the relief and elation of having him here. Of touching him. Kissing him. Pulling him closer. Knowing she could live without him was freeing. But Maddi didn’t want to. She ran her hands over his back, absorbed the heat from his body and reveled in the weight of him. His touch made her feel cherished, alive, real. Hands slid over her, rough and gentle, thrilling and enticing. She didn’t want them to stop moving. Noah leaned back and gentled his kiss while she ran her hands through his hair. She had missed the soft feel of his hair. His brilliant eyes watched her.

  “Maddi,” he muttered, his eyes now solemn.

  Her stomach tumbled just from that look, and she knew what he was about to say. His eyes softened and her panic couldn’t be stymied. So she let it wash over her, drown her, and she realized she could still breathe even with the anxiety coursing through her. Fight or flight. Maddi fought the nerves.

  “I’m in love with you. Real love. The kind that doesn’t happen every day but when it does, you know. I know. I love you,” he breathed.

  Any air she’d held in her lungs came whooshing out of her as feelings tripped and stumbled over each other inside her chest. The weight in her chest, the need and desire that his words had created, was painful. It made it almost impossible to draw air in. There was no room for air. Those words hadn’t passed her lips in close to two decades. Never as an adult and never like this. Unexpected tears blurred her vision. Maddi tried to hold them back but she couldn’t do that and breathe at the same time.

  “Don’t cry, Maddi. Please don’t cry,” Noah soothed, using his thumbs to catch her tears. He leaned down and softly kissed the trail they made on her cheeks. He tried to lean back, to take his weight off her, but she clung to him.

  The heaviness of him was tangible proof that he was there in her space, in her heart, in her life. Maddi needed it because, somehow, it counteracted the pressure in her chest. “Noah,” she uttered but he kissed her, shushed her.

  “No. I’m sorry. It’s too fast. Too much. I’m sorry, honey. Don’t cry, please,” he said quickly, his voice thick with regret. Maddi shook her head frantically. She gripped his shirt, held on tight.

  “No! Don’t say you’re sorry,” she said, finding her voice, “Please don’t be sorry.” Tears fell harder now, and she couldn’t resist when he pulled them both up to a sitting position. Noah held her while she cried. When her breathing finally calmed and her tears slowed, embarrassment took their place.

  “Maddi, look at me.”

  Not wanting to look at him with her face red and puffy, Maddi turned but kept her eyes closed.

  “Open your eyes,” he whispered, a hint of amusement in his voice. When she didn’t, he continued anyway. “I’m not sorry that I love you. I’m sorry I upset you. But I won’t ever be sorry for how I feel about you.”

  When she opened her eyes, his gaze pleaded with her to understand. It was him who didn’t understand. Maddi put her hands on his cheeks, felt the rasp of stubble, and kept her eyes steady on his, despite the fear that raged inside her.

  “How can you know you’ll never be sorry? You don’t know all of me.” She hadn’t wanted to ask, but the opening was there and she needed to know.

  “I know the parts that matter. We’ll get to the rest, but it won’t change the fact that you’ve made my life better. You make me laugh when I don’t expect to. When I’m with you, everything makes sense, even when you confuse me. You make me ache with wanting you. You challenge me and surprise me. You make me more certain of what I want out of my life.”

  “What?”

  Noah’s fingers tightened on her arms. “You. I want you, Maddi. It won’t change. If you need time to figure that out—to realize it’s true—it’s okay. But I told you I’m not going anywhere, and I meant it. Regardless of what the past held, Maddi, I want a future with you.”

  She kept her eyes trained on his, and he didn’t look away. Noah never looked away. She could see he truly believed what he said and what he felt. Maybe she was a fool
to believe it too. Or her lonely heart was tricking her. Maddi hadn’t ever let herself think of a future beyond the next day, the next order, the next few weeks. But she wanted it so bad that it was all she could see. He was all that she could see.

  Maybe this was how it had started for her parents but she had to believe that it wasn’t. And even if it was, she had to believe that she wasn’t them. If she didn’t, they couldn’t move forward and Maddi wanted that. More than anything.

  “I’m glad you mean it,” she whispered, making him smile. She kissed him softly. “Because I love you and I mean it too.”

  For the briefest moment, she thought she saw the hint of wetness in his eyes but then he was kissing her, his hands moving hers around his neck to gather her close, and all she could think and feel was him. And it was exactly what she wanted.

  Chapter 13

  “Why are you so certain that something bad will happen? Wouldn’t you say something bad has already happened?” Dr. Mason asked Natalie, who fidgeted with her purse strap. She ran her fingers along the seam and kept her eyes glued to her lap. Noah tried to use the deep breathing that seemed to calm Nat and Maddi but all he got for his effort was the smell of peppermint, which he assumed was coming from the ceramic candles lining the window sill. He had to keep his own hands locked tight on the arms of the chair.

  He hated the helplessness that came with this entire situation. He had agreed to come to one session a month with Natalie, like a check-in. This was only his third time. Nat had been coming once a week, and he had hoped she’d feel more confident by this point. He liked Ryan’s mom. Tina didn’t mess around with psycho-babble. With a straightforward approach, she made Natalie think and, likely without meaning to, she made him think too. In the end, though, he just wanted his baby sister’s heart to mend.

  “Lots of bad things have happened. But I feel happy right now, and it just feels like it can’t last,” Natalie finally revealed.