Damaged

by Jody Holford

  Fury burned in his chest. He should have pummeled the loser. More than he had. “What? How do you know this before me?” What the hell had Nat been thinking?

  “He … he called me.”

  “That violates his restraining order. Listen, I’m on my way over, okay, so we’ll pick this up when I get there.” His hands were already clenching the wheel when the car in front of him stopped suddenly. He was lucky his truck didn’t slam into its back end.

  “But Noah, what if you go to jail?”

  “Don’t worry about that. I’m not going to jail. If that bastard didn’t go to jail for hitting you, I’m not going to jail for hitting him. Just let me get there, okay?”

  “Okay,” she said so quietly that he immediately felt bad for his harsh tone.

  Yeah, he should have hit Lyle harder when he’d had the chance. “Nat, this is a ploy,” he said in a gentler voice through gritted teeth. “He’s got no grounds. He was there to harass you and there are witnesses to that. Please just let me get there.” A horn honked behind him as he cut someone off unintentionally. He put his hand up as ‘sorry,’ finished switching lanes, and disconnected the phone.

  She was doing better, he reminded himself, his fingers leaving indents on the steering wheel. When Noah left home, he hadn’t wanted to look back. Sure, he’d stayed in touch enough to keep a connection, but it had been the bare minimum. Instead of nagging Nat to phone their parents, maybe he should. Maybe Natalie needed more than just him. Was he enough, especially spending so much time with Maddi, which he loved. Man, he loved her more than he’d ever thought possible.

  It made him ache in his gut when he thought of her. Maddi twisted his heart, turned him on, and energized him. Still, more time with her had meant less time with Nat. Noah didn’t want to latch onto his guilt like a safety harness. The traffic had leveled out by the time he got off the main drag, but his shoulders were still stiff. He needed to do a better job of balancing his time. Running his company, a woman he loved, his sister, friends, a home to keep up, and hell—how did people add kids to the mix?

  “Whoa.” He shook his head. “Slow down.” But Noah couldn’t ignore the fact that it wasn’t panic that settled in his chest at the thought, but warmth. One hand tapped on the steering wheel while he turned the music up a bit. The last thing Maddi needed was him pushing her any harder. The fact that he’d got in her door, never mind her heart, still surprised him.

  “One day at a time, son,” he said over the music. There was a large smile on his face.

  Chapter 16

  Maddi sat in the center of her bed, anchoring herself with the grip she had on the comforter. Part of her wanted to pack up and go. A big part of her. It was always the end result, no matter where she traveled. She always left. Not so that Jason wouldn’t find her, but because staying too long in one place led to attachments. Truthfully, she had never considered him finding her to be a concern. Regardless, she wasn’t ready. It never occurred to her she’d have to be ready. He’d left her and after the pain of that stopped gutting her, it had seemed like a good thing. How had he found her? What did he want?

  Why now, when she had found a place she could imagine herself staying? That door had closed so hard, it hadn’t occurred to her that she would have the strength to open again. Jason may as well have died along with her parents because from the moment the social services had stepped in, he was gone. He didn’t have to go into custody. At almost nineteen, he was an adult, at least technically. He could have kept her with him but he’d left her behind, crying, scared, telling her that he’d come back and take care of her when he was settled. One lie after another. He never came back. After Ms. Carson told her Jason was in trouble, she knew she had to let go. He had clearly not escaped from the life and example their parents had set. Jason had never moved on.

  “But I have.” And her brother didn’t get to come back now and topple the delicate house of cards she was building for herself.

  Maddi unclenched her fists and moved off the bed. In the kitchen, she took her time making a cup of tea, using the task to pull her back into the moment. When it was ready, she used the warmth of the mug to chase the chill that had spread inside of her. Curled up in the armchair near the window, Maddi stared at the gorgeous sky streaked with bright and soft colors moving into each other and overlapping. The orange, red, white, and pink were woven into each other, giving her design ideas. Her gaze followed the streams of color to see if she could find a stopping or starting point.

  As the steam from the tea rose from her cup, Maddi inhaled, letting the heat and the quiet untwist the tangled knots in her stomach. The knock on the door made her jump, and the instant, split second of fear made her angry. Being scared was supposed to be in the past. There was no reason to be scared anymore, and she hated thinking maybe now she did. Heart thudding, Maddi pressed her eye to the peephole and let out a hard, fast breath when she saw Noah’s beautiful face. He was waving because he knew she’d check to see who it was first. He’d gotten to know her because she had let him—almost.

  “Hi,” he said simply when she opened the door. Before she could respond, he moved in and kissed her, his arms folding her into his body, his mouth and wandering hands making her forget she had to deal with the danger Jason could present to the people she loved. Maddi forced herself to step back, let him in.

  “You okay?” he asked, closing the distance she’d put between them.

  His palm slid over her cheek so his fingers nestled in her hair. Always touching her, he made her want so much. Maddi leaned into the touch while she tried to gather strength. Just ask for some space. Temporarily. Then she could figure out how to keep her past from tarnishing her present. For once, she wanted to be the protector. She could do that for Noah and knew, without a doubt, he would do it for her.

  “Maddi?”

  His voice had a melancholy she wasn’t used to hearing, and it made her take a closer look. Noah’s eyes were tired, and he clearly hadn’t changed or showered from his work day. The few days’ stubble that she enjoyed the feel of bordered on scruffy. She didn’t want to put another burden on his shoulders. Mostly because she knew he would take it.

  “Are you okay?” she asked, stepping back to him and putting her palm to his cheek. He leaned into it, like she had and closed his eyes. Maddi’s stomach danced.

  “Not really,” he replied, opening his eyes and giving her palm a quick kiss. Stepping around her, Noah went to the fridge, grabbed a can of pop. Tapping the top a couple times, he cracked it open and took a long swallow.

  Maddi held herself still as he set the can down then placed both hands on the edge of the counter. When he hung his head down, panic beat heavy wings in her chest. “Noah?”

  Without lifting his head, he glanced up, gave her a weak smile. Noah took another moment, his back rising and falling with deep breaths, then crossed to sit on the couch. His head tipped back and he closed his eyes. Maddi stood by the door, losing her courage to say something that would push him away long enough to keep him safe.

  “It’s nothing,” he told her but must have seen the doubt in her eyes. “Really. Lyle called Nat and told her that he was filing charges. One, he hasn’t because I’d know by now if he did. Two, he violated his restraining order when he called her.”

  Maddi pressed her hands flat against the door to keep from wringing them together. “Is she okay?”

  “She’s all right. Shaken. It seems like she goes two steps forward and one back. Which I suppose is better than the opposite.”

  “It is, for sure. She’s strong. And she’s got you. Both of those things matter.”

  He opened his eyes as she came to sit beside him on the couch. She took his hand in hers, ran her fingers along his palm, and then met his eyes. God, she loved his eyes.

  “You’re strong. And you have me too. I guess you and Nat have some things in common. How was your day? How was Seamless?”

  Noah waited and her words froze in her throat. He didn’t need Jason on
top of Lyle, on top of Nat, on top of … her. “Things were … fine.”

  “Fine?” he tilted his head and studied her. “Hmm.”

  “Hmm, what?”

  He sat up and angled his body toward her, straightened his shoulders, and closed his hand around her moving fingers.

  “You’re often evasive. You don’t share a lot of details, but mostly I feel like you’re honest with me. Like what you will tell me is the truth.”

  “It is.”

  Noah shook his head, and the nerves returned to take up residence in her stomach.

  “Then why do I feel like you’re lying? Or at the very least, not telling the whole truth by saying things were ‘fine’?”

  She closed her eyes briefly and struggled to find the right words. He didn’t need this right now. He needed to think about Nat. Maddi could deal with her own brother. For once, she could be there for Noah.

  “Noah.” She huffed out a deep sigh. “Things are complicated. More complicated than I expected them to be.”

  He pulled his hand from hers and stood. “Tell me we’re not doing this again.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Tell me we aren’t having the same conversation we’ve had. I am really not in the mood for it, Maddi.”

  She could understand his frustration, particularly since she felt irritated at her inability to get the words out properly.

  Hands on his hips, he asked, “Why this time?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Correct me if I’m wrong, but you’re about to give me a list of why things are too complicated for us to be together, right? How you can’t do this and I deserve better than you,” he said, his tone shifting from irritated to angry.

  Noah strode back and forth, wound up from what she could tell. She started to correct him but thought this route might buy her some time. Maddi rose to go to him, but his anger had tipped to the point of not truly looking at her. It struck her then she wasn’t scared of him, even in the tempest of his stormy mood.

  “You want to break it off? You want time? Which one Maddi? That’s where you’re going with this, right? What do you want? I’m trying here. I’m being as patient as I can and I know you have shit locked up inside that you don’t think I can handle, but I can. I will. What I can’t handle is the fucking back and forth. I am in this. Fully and completely in this, and I’m not backing off because you’re having a panic attack. At least, not unless you tell me why. Do you love me?”

  Biting the inside of her cheek did nothing to stem the tears. Maddi nodded her head because none of this would be difficult if she didn’t. Anyone with eyes could that see she loved him. There was no way she could cover the kind of emotion she felt for him. Maddi loved him so much, the feelings probably emanated like a lighthouse beacon. She was an expert at hiding inside of herself, but there was no hiding this.

  “Yes, Noah. I love you. Very much. And yes, I do think you deserve better than me. Someone who is better equipped for happily ever after.”

  Maddi looked so lost, staring at him, biting down on her lip. He probably should have gone home rather than stopping by. Noah’s frustration felt like a living, breathing thing that he would like to snap in half. Even as he tried to smooth himself out a bit, he could see her shutting herself down. Her breath evened out, her lips firmed, and she crossed her arms over her chest. The woman needed a recording that said: Shield fully engaged. He walked to the window, hoping that the view of the mountains would make him feel less boxed in, less feeble at fixing things for the people that mattered in his life.

  Nat had been a wreck when he had shown up, worried that Noah would be going to jail. He had done his best to assure her, even though he couldn’t really answer her questions, as he hadn’t been served yet. Noah had come to Maddi for refuge, for peace. Then realized that she held neither. That should have made the break she was on the verge of offering more tempting. Ten years ago, he would have grabbed that opening and run far and fast. But he didn’t want anything that involved a life without her. Instead, Noah wanted to be the haven Maddi needed.

  “What’s happily ever after mean to you, Maddi?” he asked softly, when he’d gathered his thoughts, and yeah, maybe his courage. She looked thrown by the question. It made him smile. She was wringing her hands, her thumb pushing into her palm, back and forth as she eyed him suspiciously. The uncharacteristic physical display of nerves twisted his heart.

  “What? I don’t understand what you’re asking me.”

  “You seem to think I want some relationship utopia. Why would I think you could promise happily ever after? None of us can. I’m not offering you a fairy tale, Maddi. I’m offering you a real life. A life with ups and downs, good and bad. I don’t expect you to be perfect, past or present. But I expect honesty. Commitment. And I’ll give you back the same. It won’t always be happy but I won’t leave when it isn’t, and I want someone who gets that. Someone who knows that I’m not leaving when things aren’t perfect. Someone who won’t run just because they’re scared. Or scarred. Or whatever you are, Maddi.”

  Noah rubbed his hands over his face, wanted to punch something, break something, fix something. Pulling off his sweater, which left him in a white T- shirt over jeans, he tossed it on her couch and looked up to see her watching him. The look on her face was indecipherable. If he didn’t know better, he would think she was mad.

  When had the conversation shifted? When had the control slipped into his grasp? Noah had drawn the perfectly wrong conclusion. Maddi wasn’t sure which route she wanted to go. She was beginning to see that if she couldn’t go back and couldn’t move forward, she would have to stand still. Not an option. Maddi wanted to move forward with him. After they put annoying ex’s and possibly vengeful brothers behind them. First, however, she needed to clear a few things up.

  As she began to tell him what she thought of his poorly drawn conclusions, his phone rang in his pocket. The irritation flashed in his features once again, but he answered with the gentleness she knew was deeply ingrained in him.

  “Hey. Yeah. Sorry. I just came over to see Maddi. You okay?” He picked up his sweater off the couch. He didn’t look at her as he spoke to Nat. “Why don’t I go grab food? Okay. I’m going to run home. I need a shower and clean clothes. It’s fine. Call it in and I’ll go pick it up. No. I don’t think so. Not tonight.”

  Noah hung up and turned back to her. The weariness in his eyes had multiplied and she wanted to wrap her arms around him, do something that would let him lean on her for once. “I need to go. I can’t do this tonight. I’m not leaving you or giving up, Maddi. This isn’t over. You need time to gather your thoughts? Unravel whatever the hell is locked up inside of you? Fine. But know this—whatever is going on, we’re in this together. That’s the way it works in a relationship. I love you, and you’re not changing my mind on that because something scared you or you think I can’t handle something. Maybe we won’t work out. Maybe I’m not that lucky or you don’t get just how goddamn lucky I’d be to have you for keeps, but it won’t be because I can’t deal with your past. It’ll be because you can’t.”

  He left before she could figure out how to respond.

  Chapter 17

  Maddi’s body was immobilized for a few moments after the door shut behind him. Gather her thoughts? That seemed harder to do now that he’d jumbled them all up. Can’t do this tonight? Well, that had been the whole point. She didn’t want him to have to deal with it tonight.

  “This is ridiculous! What just happened? Not how a relationship works? I know that.” She huffed and trudged over to the kitchen. She yanked flour, sugar, and baking powder from the cupboard beside the fridge. “I’m not running this time,” she sputtered and pulled the fridge open. Eggs. Milk. The steel bowl she pulled from the bottom cupboard clanged when she thumped it down on the counter. “Chocolate chips.” She was forgetting the most important ingredient. “Which means you’re getting too worked up.”

  Maddi knew the recipe by
heart and made herself say the steps aloud in an effort to rein in her own temper. It surprised her that she needed to, that Noah leaving made her so mad. Not hurt-someone mad, not you’ll-be-sorry mad. Just frustrated-didn’t-get-my-turn-to-talk mad. As she slid the first batch into the oven, she realized he was right. This is how a relationship works.

  As the smell of cookies filled the apartment, Maddi thought of all of the road blocks she had put up. Noah had every right to feel frustrated. So far he’d had the patience of a priest. Still, he didn’t know the whole story. “Whose fault is that?”

  Maybe she didn’t know why Jason was back, but she knew she wouldn’t let it jeopardize where she wanted to be. Maddi had stopped letting the past control her, which meant that if she wanted Noah, she was going to have to start proving it.

  “Good morning.”

  Her dad had smiled, as he lowered the newspaper and took a drink of his coffee. Maddi had always thought his ritual of coming home from a night shift and drinking caffeine before heading to bed made no sense. Still, she liked the smell. Grabbing some cereal, she tried to forget that it was her first day of junior high. She sat down at the table across from him.

  “How was work?” she asked after finishing her bite.

  “Fine. Are you nervous?”

  “Nah.”

  “Maddison.”

  She looked at him and knew he could see the truth. She wondered how he could seem so concerned and kind in one moment and completely the opposite in the next.

  “I guess. I mean, I know there’ll be kids I know but, I don’t know, it’s a huge school. What if I don’t have classes with people I know?”

  “Then you make new friends,” he said with one of those adult smiles that suggested the concern was silly.

  “It’s not always so easy.” Especially when she had an unwritten list of rules to follow: don’t invite others over, limited phone time, no sharing private information—even by accident.