Damaged

by Jody Holford

  Growing up as they had, it was often hard to remember what had been real and what hadn’t. Sometimes the dark times were so bad that she’d forgotten the light existed at all. Flipping through to see birthdays and Christmases reminded her of the light, the happy, and the … normal. Coupled with her dream from earlier this morning, where she could all but feel her mother’s arms around her, it had made her certain she at least needed to see Jason before she let him go. She came to an abrupt halt as she came upon him. Slouched over in one of the connected rows of chairs, his head down, hands between his knees, Maddi realized he was looking down at his phone.

  She took a moment to just observe him. He was so much bigger than he’d been as a kid, even though he’d always seemed massive in her young mind. His jacket stretched across his wide shoulders. His hair was cropped close, and she found herself wondering what his life had held. She’d put him out of her mind so long ago, blocked memories of him like she had any of the thoughts that made her ache, made her lonely. Staring at his profile, he looked like their father, who’d been handsome and knew how to use his charm to pave his way. Maddi wondered what parts of her father, her mother, he held inside of him. Jason raised his head, stretched his arms above him, and tipped his neck to one side then the other. He turned and his eyes found hers, and she felt like she might smile and cry at the same time but she did neither. He stood slowly, hooking a backpack on his shoulder, and walked toward her. Maddi ignored the speed of her pulse and the lightheaded feeling moving over her.

  “Hey, Mads.”

  Scrunching up her face, she tried not to cry. She didn’t want to cry anymore. “Hi.”

  They stood, her looking up at him. He reached out his hand, ran it down her messy ponytail, tugging on it lightly.

  “You still look thirteen.”

  “Do not.”

  “Do so.”

  Maddi laughed and the sound felt rough in her throat. She swallowed the lump that formed, biting her lip. “Where’d you get all that stuff?” she asked quietly.

  “I was over eighteen. Everything was left to me. Most of their stuff got sold, the house, the furniture, the car, and all that. Everything else went into trusts for me to take care of you. Kind of fucked that up, didn’t I?”

  Maddi bit her lip harder He took her hand, and she let him lead her over to a less crowded spot where they could sit side by side.

  “There’s bank numbers and a copy of the wills. There’s legal shit in there that, when you’re ready, you can look through, deal with. You have money.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Yeah. Likely a good chunk since it’s been sitting in trust. I signed half over to you. Put it in a trust before I got too heavy into things. Thank God.”

  Jason shook his head and his hand squeezed hers. She tried to imagine how he must have felt when they’d died. When she’d been taken away and he couldn’t stop it. They’d never had the power to stop any of it. “Did you … did you spend your half on drugs?”

  He laughed bitterly. “No. Not all, anyway. It was part of what got me back on track. I got access when I turned twenty-five. I spent all the money I had to take care of us until then, but I’ve been clean for years now. It took some time, but I got it together. I didn’t mean to scare you by following you, Mads. I just needed to know you made it out okay. I should have been there for you. I should have been stronger. I’m sorry.”

  She squeezed his hand back, tried to gather her words and breathe at the same time. How could two words matter so much when she hadn’t realized she even wanted to hear them?

  “I wanted to hate you. You left me, too. I felt so…” Her voice broke and she pulled her hand away, stood, and walked to the window to look out at the tarmac. People moved, luggage flew, life went by no matter how frozen in the moment she’d ever felt. He came to stand beside her, hands in his pockets.

  “So?”

  “So … abandoned. And mad. I was so mad at all of you.”

  “You had—have—every right to be mad.”

  “It’s not mad anymore. It’s just emptiness, you know?”

  He nodded, looked out the window.

  “I’d forgotten there were any good moments,” she whispered, looking up at him. She was surprised by the sadness in his eyes.

  “I did for a long time, too. Getting clean and going to counseling helped me figure out that if I wanted to move forward, if I wanted to have a future at all, I had to remember the good stuff. Otherwise it’s just so goddamn bleak. You spiral into the memories and drown.”

  Jason put his arm around her, and she felt his hesitation. She leaned into him. “I never understood how they could do this to us. Do you hate them?” she asked.

  “I did. I don’t anymore.”

  “What changed?”

  “I got old, I guess. Grew up. When I was using drugs, I still loved you, wondered about you, and missed you so much it hurt. But I couldn’t stop. Even when I told myself I had to stop and find you, I couldn’t. I think that’s kind of what it was like for them.”

  Maddi tried to wrap her brain around that as she watched passengers take the narrow steps up to one of the planes. “Like they were a drug for each other?”

  He squeezed her shoulder and led her back to where they were sitting earlier. “Almost. When they were happy, it was real and it felt good. Then it would go bad. But, Maddison, they loved us. What happened between them wasn’t about us. You get that, right?”

  “How can you be so sure?” she asked, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth.

  “Because I am. Because I’m older and I remember more than you. I remember how happy they were when you were born. What they did to each other, well, they shouldn’t have exposed us to any of it, but it doesn’t mean they didn’t love us. We were the best part of their lives. It just wasn’t enough. But you—you were the light for all of us. You need to know that. All of our lives were better after you were born. I swore I’d protect you and when you needed me most, I let you down. I’ll never stop being sorry for that. I’ll never forgive myself.”

  His voice cracked and his gaze traveled around the room, watching people come and go.

  Maybe six months ago she wouldn’t have been able to accept that the same people who destroyed her had valued her, loved her. As a teen, she’d let herself believe no one loved her, could ever love her, that she wasn’t enough. But it hadn’t been her, or Jason, who wasn’t enough for her parents. It’d been them. She knew, because she’d let herself love Noah, let him love her back. She knew now. She was enough. That she deserved to move on from the past and not let it define her.

  “I do.”

  “You do what?” he asked, dropping his hands between his knees and looking over at her.

  “I forgive you. And them. And us. And all of it. I don’t want to be back there anymore. I’ve pushed it out of my life for so long, thinking I was over it, stronger than it. But I think the only real way to be over it is to let it go, after facing it.”

  “You never have to doubt your strength. When I found you, saw what you’d done with your life, I was so proud of you. Not that I’m real happy you’re shacking up with someone, but I like your boyfriend too. He’s got guts.” Jason smiled.

  Maddi laughed. The boarding for Nevada was announced over the PA system, making Maddi’s pulse pick up. Not enough. This wasn’t enough.

  “You pointed a gun at him.”

  “Yeah, well. He’s dating my sister so it’s good for him to fear me.”

  Jason stood and all the tears she’d held back pushed forward like a wave. He looked down at her and immediately dropped his pack.

  “Oh, Mads, don’t. Don’t cry like that. It’s okay.”

  Maddi sobbed harder as he pulled her in and wrapped his arms around her. She hugged him back, hard, like if she was strong enough, she could keep a piece of him with her for when she needed him. The PA sounded again. Jason pushed her back carefully, bending his knees so he could see her face.

  “I know you need ti
me, probably more than you think you do, to sort through everything. But I’m here, Maddi. Whenever, whatever you need. I won’t let you down again. I won’t disappear again. I promise.”

  He leaned in, kissed her forehead, and tugged her ponytail one more time before smiling, for real, without the sadness in his eyes.

  “I love you.”

  “Always?” she whispered, pushing away her tears.

  “And forever,” he smiled and added, “No matter what.”

  Maddi spent so many years pushing it all away: memories, feelings, people. She felt like she was being inundated with all of it now, everything crowding her heart and her mind. She felt like an amnesia victim whose memories all came back in one long surge. Or a deaf person who could suddenly hear. Everything was loud and clear and just a little bit scary. But good. Her tears had dried but there’d be more. No one’s life was easy, without tears of laughter and sorrow. If she wanted a future, she had to stop running from the past and let herself heal. She’d thought she’d done that but instead, she’d hid.

  When she pulled into Noah’s driveway, saw him sitting on the top step of his porch, fireworks exploded in her chest. His relaxed posture came to attention at the sight of her car. Maddi smiled. “No more hiding.”

  * * *

  “You came back,” he said as she approached. And he’d waited until she did. Because he loved her. Because she’d let herself believe that she was worth loving.

  “I did. Sorry I didn’t say anything. I needed to—”

  Noah stepped forward, pulled her into his arms, and buried his face in her neck. “I know.”

  She let herself fall into his kiss, which told her he really did know. He knew who she was, who she’d been and wanted to be, and he loved her anyway.

  “I’m glad you’re home,” he said quietly, intensely, when he finally pulled back. The word ‘home’ tumbled around in her brain and heart. Maddi hadn’t called any place home in more years than she could count. She’d moved to so many states thinking one would become just that. Looking in his eyes, seeing the banked emotion, Maddi knew it wasn’t where but who that made a home. And Noah was hers.

  “Me too. There’s nowhere else I want to be.”

  She smiled brightly. If his mile-wide grin was any indication, he didn’t miss the significance of her words. Noah kissed her again, hard but sweet, nuzzling into her like he couldn’t get enough. She understood the feeling. Throwing his arm around her shoulder and leading them up the steps, he continued to smile like the proverbial cat.

  “I knew I’d win you over. It’s my charm,” he said.

  Maddi laughed, the sound bubbling up in her from deep in her belly, which for the first time in days, possibly years, didn’t feel like there was a nest of angry bees in it.

  “Yes. That’s exactly what it was,” she agreed, squeezing his side and knowing, with all her heart, it was that, and so much more.

  Acknowledgments

  This is actually my least favorite part of writing a book because I hate the thought of accidentally leaving someone out. I write each book all by myself, sitting at the kitchen table but there are so many people in my life that make it a possibility and a reality.

  There’s my husband and daughters who put up with me taking up too much space at the kitchen table while I write and listen to the same songs on repeat. There are my three constant, honest, and supportive readers Bren, Tiff and, Tara. There’s all my other family and friends who listen to me go on about the book world and writing and support me.

  There are the online friends who listen to me complain or help me out of plot holes I frequently fall into—too many to list there, but a few in particular that I am sure to tell on a regular basis that they matter.

  There’s Penner Publishing and their staff for taking a chance on a book that means a great deal to me.

  This book has had a long, complicated journey and I am really happy it’s going to be shared. There are literally dozens of people who I’ve connected with on social media that have pushed me along, supported me, and helped me. Writers are seriously supportive people and I am grateful to everyone that I’ve connected with—people who have offered a kind word, a helpful email, or just an ear.

  There’s Alicia Champ who makes beautiful, meaningful jewelry.

  I already had Maddi’s story in my mind, but Alicia’s piece, Damaged Hearts, helped me pull the story together. The jewelry in the story is based on her lovely work and her amazing talent.

  Courtesy of Alicia Champ of Hip Navy Beads. www.hipnavybeads.com

  There are several people who told me this story mattered, helped me make it stronger and I’m grateful to them. I’m grateful for my agent because no matter what book I’m worrying about, she’s willing to chat. Plus, as if I’m not lucky enough to have all of those people…there’s you, the reader. A few years ago, I was pretty certain that only my mom and my best friend would ever read my stories. The fact that anyone does is still surreal. So thank you.

  About the Author

  Jody Holford lives in British Columbia with her husband and two daughters. She’s a huge fan of Rainbow Rowell, Nora Roberts, Jill Shalvis, and Emily Giffen. She’s unintentionally funny and rarely on time for anything. She loves books, Converse shoes, and diet Pepsi, in no particular order. When she has to go out into the real world, she’s a teacher. She writes multiple genres but her favourite is romance because she’s a big fan of love and finding happily ever after. Probably because she’s lucky enough to have both.

  Connect with Jody:

  @1prncs

  Authorjodyholford

  jodyholford.weebly.com/

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