by Cora Brent
“So I think this party’s over. What should we do now?”
I checked my watch. It was barely nine o’clock. “We could go see a show, go to the casino.”
Creed, terse as always, objected. “Fuck that. I’m ready to get laid.”
Truly pretended to be annoyed but a blush crossed her face and I could tell they really just wanted to be alone together. I knew I could find some company if I wanted it, but I was only thinking about one girl in particular. I wished she’d wanted to come back down here with me.
Saylor and Cord were leaving, their arms around one another. I stared at Saylor, remembering her as the girl she’d been when we were growing up together. I desperately wished we’d never put her through the grief of those long ago days. But then again, maybe that’s what all had to happen for everyone to end up here, for our miserable histories to be resolved and for Mr. and Mrs. Cordero Gentry to pass us with a smile and a wave as they began their life together.
Truly and Creed were ready to head to their room. They didn’t even look back as they got all hot and bothered, staring into each other’s eyes. Deck had already taken off with his ‘baby’. Millie and Brayden invited me to hang out with them but the cozy way they stood so close together, another couple in love, depressed the hell out of me. Even Saylor’s dad seemed content as he filed out holding hands with his girlfriend.
I hung around the empty room for a few minutes, watching the cleanup crew hustle around ripping off tablecloths and stacking dishes. They didn’t appear to notice I was even there.
“Get lost, Chase.”
Why the hell was I dwelling on that and why did it sting so damn much? After all, I didn’t really know Stephanie that well. Sure, I’d been lusting after her something fierce and the very enigma of her personality intrigued me to no end. But she wasn’t the only sulky hot girl in the world. She shouldn’t matter to me, especially now that I’d gotten what I wanted out of her, even if I wouldn’t mind doing it again.
But then I remembered sitting on a campus bench one awful September afternoon. I hadn’t been able to bring myself to go to class. I was hurting like I’d never hurt before. It was the day of Creed’s fight, the day I knew there was a terrible chance I would lose one of my brothers. If that happened, I didn’t know how I would keep going.
Because Stephanie was Truly’s roommate, and because her bookie business kept her in the loop about things like underground gladiator brawls, she knew about what Creedence was up against. Even though we’d never had a conversation that ended pleasantly, she sat beside me that day. We stayed there together for a while, watching the superficial bustling of our fellow collegians and listening to one another breathe. She knew I felt bad and she was searching for a way to make me to feel better. She also knew how fucking stupid and useless words were on a day like that. Finally I stood up and said “Thanks, Stephanie,” before trudging back home to face the horror of the approaching night.
I wondered if she had understood that I wasn’t being a wiseass. I was glad to have her beside me for that short period of time. I’d been trying to get next to her again ever since.
My room really was on the ninth floor, just like I’d told her earlier. Still, it was located was on the opposite side end of the long corridor. There was no reason for me to walk past her door. No reason other than a faint wisp of hope.
I stood there for a while. I even balled up my fist a few times, fully intending to knock, but then backing off. I’d never had a problem dealing with girls before. They liked me, they laughed with me, and they usually wanted more from me than I wanted from them. I ran my hand along the surface of Stephanie’s door in one long, regretful stroke. I couldn’t hear a thing on the other side. I walked away.
CHAPTER FIVE
Stephanie
Shit.
I couldn’t stop thinking about it. After spending an hour watching the post-game commentary and remembering how I’d told Chase to fuck off, I felt a twinge of sorrow. I’d freaked the hell out on him and he’d looked at me like I belonged in a cage at the zoo. Maybe I did.
With a muffled groan I yanked the fluffy hotel comforter over my head. I had pulled my shorts back on but I could still feel the lingering sensations of what Chase had been able to do. As my mind flashed back to the intense look in his eyes as he moved hard inside of me, my body unwittingly responded. Almost without thinking about it, my hand went between my legs and pressed as those awakening muscles begged for more. Maybe I should have gone with him, even if it meant allowing him to tow me along like a trophy, like a puppy dog.
I threw the covers back with a disgusted sigh.
What the hell did I do?
I’d gotten dirty with one of the most crass and vulgar guys I’d ever known. The number of girls Chase Gentry had screwed was probably more than the number of slot machines in Vegas. I couldn’t even blame him for what happened tonight. The second he’d gotten his hands on me I’d been willing, disgustingly eager. But he’d been trying to make this happen for months and now he had. He’d won. He’d fucking won!
Still…I couldn’t stop the way my breathing quickened over the fresh memory of how I’d felt with him. I was twenty one years old and I’d had sex with two guys. They had meant as little to me as I had to them and the last one was over a year ago. I didn’t miss them once they were gone. And I’d never felt anything like the furious ecstasy Chase had brought me to. Maybe that’s why I’d kicked him out so violently. If I had told him any part of the truth it would have been a joke to him. I was probably already a joke to him.
I wasn’t tired at all but I needed to be up early to catch my flight so I headed to the bathroom to shower and brush my teeth. I hated getting up early but now I was ten times more relieved that I had changed my flight time. The thought of sitting on the plane and listening to Chase’s bawdy laughter as he recounted how he’d nailed the hell out of ice princess Stephanie Bransky made me want to kill him. I’d sooner walk back to fucking Phoenix.
I wouldn’t think about it anymore. Chase would move on to the next girl. He would forget. Maybe he had already.
As I spat toothpaste in the sink I recalled the sharp intelligence in his eyes as he hovered inches away from me on the bed, listening, calculating his next move. No, he wouldn’t forget any of it. Chase Gentry wasn’t a guy who forgot things.
I wiped the toothpaste from the sink and turned off the bathroom light. Just before I headed back to bed I paused at the door. I wondered where I would be now if I’d accepted Chase’s offer to take Vegas by storm tonight.
“Anything you want, baby.”
That was the problem. I didn’t want a wild time under the harsh lights of the city. What I wanted was more of what we’d done earlier. I wanted it as many times as he could manage to give it to me and in more ways than I had ever known. And then, if he’d decided to hold me in his strong arms afterwards, I wouldn’t have minded. I wouldn’t have minded at all.
I cranked the air a few degrees colder and flopped back into bed, covering myself completely. I didn’t want to think about Chase anymore, or about sex or orgasms or losing control. In order to drive it all away I thought of Xavier, my former boss. I thought about the things he’d said to me and the things he’d forced me to do as the other men in the room called out filthy things. Xavier was cruel and he was shrewd. He knew he didn’t need to lay a damn hand on me in order to fuck me up big time.
And it’s not over. It’s not.
In the days after it happened I was in a complete tailspin. I’d never been so screwed up, not even during that dreadful year in which I’d suffered the bleakest chain of events imaginable; my mother’s death, Robbie’s murder, my father’s imprisonment, Michael’s abandonment.
Given everything I’d been through I should have been able to shake it off. Other women suffered through worse every day and still held their heads up. They didn’t find themselves straddling the kind of paranoid terror that left me scarcely able to function. Were it not for Truly I wasn’t
sure how I would have snapped out of it. Truly had been my friend when I had none but even she didn’t know the whole terrible story.
“You’re gonna give us all something to look at until we’ve had enough. And you better fucking make a show of enjoying it, girl.”
Stop. Stop. STOP!
All the incredible things I’d felt with Chase earlier were gone, replaced by a sick panic as I remembered other things I didn’t want to remember. It had been the coldest feeling in the world; standing up there alone, exposed, forced to perform for a roomful of bastards who delighted in my disgrace.
I held my hands over my ears. It was a childish thing to do, unnecessary. I was alone. I was safe. No one could get to me if I didn’t let them. And even though somewhere out there was the proof that I feared the most, it hadn’t surfaced yet. Sometimes I allowed myself to hope that it wouldn’t.
As I turned my face to the cool pillow I felt a tear trickle out of the corner of my eye. I swiped it away angrily. The hell with that. What good did it do to sink into self pity? Whatever was around the corner would simply have to be dealt with. I could do it. I could be stone when I needed to be. I could even be steel.
But I couldn’t keep my mind under complete control; just before I dozed off to dream unhappy dreams, I flashed back to the brief moments I’d been in Chase’s arms. Even though I would rather have yanked out my own two front teeth than admit it out loud, I had wanted to stay there. But as soon as we were done I remembered who Chase Gentry was. Chase liked to have a good time and he wasn’t above trying to game it out of a girl.
Bullshit, Steph. You wanted it as much as he did.
It was true. I’d been thinking about it. Even as I pretended to him it was the last thing I wanted, Chase hadn’t been fooled.
I slept fitfully and when I awoke I was even more irritable than I had been the night before. I checked my phone, half expecting there to be a few messages from Truly. Surely she must have heard about what happened last night. Chase was definitely the bragging type.
A glance at the clock told me I had less than a half hour before I needed to run out in order to make my flight. I changed my clothes and gathered my crap together, trying and failing to keep my mind carefully blank.
Maybe I should have been up front with Chase. I’d seen him enough with his brothers to understand he wasn’t all bad. The three of them had a loving, sincere bond that was genuine. If I’d issued a heartfelt plea to keep our Vegas transgressions to himself he might have cooperated. Now it was too late. He would have already blabbed it to everyone. I would have to suffer the agony of seeing him around campus with his patent knowing smirk as he basked in his triumph. Worse, I would have to watch him fawn all over other girls as he moved on to his next conquest. I was surprised and embarrassed by how much the idea hurt me.
The hotel was relatively quiet this early. As I walked down the long corridor and passed all the closed doors I found myself curious about what was going on behind them. Somewhere in here was at least one ecstatic newlywed couple, as well as various lovers and likely a lot of lonely souls hoping the next day might prove to be better than the last.
I checked out quickly and boarded the shuttle for the airport with a bleary-eyed elderly couple who informed me they were returning to Fresno. I tried to smile politely but really I had nothing to say to them or about Fresno so I quietly looked out the window as the colorful landscape of the Las Vegas strip passed. Even though I should have been, right then I wasn’t sorry I’d made the trip. The hour I’d spent with Chase was the first time I’d felt normal in a long while, like I was part of the world. It wasn’t a bad feeling.
Luckily I was able to snag a window seat on the plane. The flight was short but even in a better frame of mind I wasn’t much for small talk, especially with strangers. The woman beside me was wearing clothes that might have been suitable for her several decades earlier. After a few minutes of trying to interest me in the particulars of her recent ugly divorce, she gave up and left me alone. I just couldn’t do it. I wasn’t good at being phony, at keeping a ridiculous smile plastered to my face as some lady I couldn’t pick out of a lineup told me a bunch of shit I wouldn’t remember in an hour. I didn’t understand what people gained from letting their private pain out in words. There were too many words I couldn’t imagine saying out loud.
I closed my eyes when I felt the plane rising in the air and did not open them again until we began descending. The area surrounding Phoenix didn’t look much different than the area surrounding Vegas. Both cities were bright spots carved out of the rugged desert, although Phoenix had a more sprawling, sedate quality to it.
“It was nice chatting with you,” said the woman beside me just before we exited. I blinked, wondering if she was being sarcastic. I realized by not answering I was being rude, but I suddenly felt very tired. I watched her brassy highlights disappear into the airport crowd and a moment later got swallowed up myself.
As I waited out by the curb in front of the terminal, a guy in an ASU shirt asked me if I wanted to share a cab to Tempe. I shook my head and held my bags more tightly. He frowned, shrugging, and although I realized he was just probably trying to save a few dollars and didn’t intend to try anything funny, I just didn’t want to deal with anyone. I was a jerk. I knew it.
At least the cab driver was glad to take me wherever I wanted to go without trying to get me to perform a monologue. I leaned back into the seat and stared at the brown peaks of Papago Park as we grew closer to the university. The cab smelled like a men’s locker room.
The apartment I shared with Truly was only several blocks from campus. Arizona State was one of the largest universities in the country and it was surrounded by an extensive honeycomb of apartment buildings. Sometimes living there seemed like a surreal Twilight Zone universe where no one managed to age past twenty five.
With a sigh I opened up the apartment door and dropped my bags just inside. Truly’s cat, Dolly, stood in the center of the living room, tail twitching, as she watched me flop on the couch.
“Sorry,” I told her. “I’m all you’ve got for the next few hours.” Truly was taking the noon flight with Chase and Creed. It would just be the three of them flying back since the newlyweds were planning on staying in Vegas for a few days to enjoy a brief honeymoon.
I found myself thinking about Saylor and Cord, thinking about what it took to stand up with another person and utter a solemn vow that would bind you together. I’d never been in love. Not even close. Perhaps the nearest I’d come to love was during the fall of my junior year of high school, an intense three months with the local ‘it’ boy, Derek Goldman. During that heady spell of infatuation I’d nearly lost my virginity and definitely lost a piece of my trusting nature when he’d blown me off me for something easier. It was okay though. Being smacked down like that made me tougher in a way I would soon need when everything in my world went to hell.
The first seventeen years of my life were fairly idyllic. I was an only daughter growing up in a privileged environment, a quietly expensive neighborhood only a train ride away from Manhattan. I knew my father didn’t trudge off to the city in a tie every morning like other men and that I wasn’t supposed to talk about the bookie business, but that was how it had always been. Of my two brothers I was only close to Robert, the eldest. Michael had always been something of an intense riddle. He still was.
Then my mother went from spry, healthy middle age to bedridden and dying virtually overnight. It seemed the afternoon I came home and found my parents crying in the living room after a visit to the doctor was the catalyst for everything that came later. It was the first domino to drop, the first fallen card that sent the whole shaky house crashing to earth. I knew that wasn’t completely true. My father would still have gone to prison. My brother Robbie would still have been gunned down in front of a bar in Queens. And I might have still have run to the other side of the country to get away from the scandal, and the memories. The only things of value I’d been able to b
ring with me were my mother’s gold Star of David necklace, her maroon Buick that still smelled like Coach perfume, and an ugly coffee table that had been in her family since the nineteen twenties.
It was a little ironic that the business which had ended badly for my father and brother was the one I turned to first. But when I arrived in Arizona I didn’t see many alternatives other than the only work I knew something about. I started out small, using a few leftover family contacts. Alonzo, a friend of Robbie’s, introduced me to Xavier Monroe. Alonzo had been spooked enough by Robbie’s murder to run pell-mell out of New York and Phoenix must have seemed like a good place to be anonymous. He was eager to help his dead buddy’s kid sister even as he warned me about booking under Xavier.
“You’re not just fucking college kids out of their beer money anymore, Steph. This can be bad news if you make a wrong turn.”
I forged ahead anyway and ignored the toll it was taking on me. The girl I used to be, the one who had been elected to her high school’s homecoming court, would not have recognized herself. Gone were all the sweet pretensions I’d once clung to and sometimes I missed them. Sometimes I missed fussing over an outfit and being dreamy over the day’s possibilities. But it all seemed so ancient now. I’d become too hard-edged to worry over anything human. I figured after I struggled through this handful of rough years I could allow myself those luxuries again. Right now I was just trying to make my own way somehow. And it was working. People knew who I was and even if they didn’t like me, they respected me. Plus, while everyone around me was buckling under the weight of student loans, I simply wrote out a check every semester.
That was another problem. I’d gone a little haywire when Xavier handed out penalties and I had yet to collect myself again. I was okay on money through the end of the year but after that I had three full semesters remaining before I could graduate. I’d applied for student loans but had yet to hear anything. And what of other expenses? Even with living cheaply and sharing an apartment, I still had to come up with funds for rent and food. Truly couldn’t help on her meager waitress salary and I would never have asked her anyway.
